Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 Why should a person hire a psychotherapist?

Salvatore asks: You had asked me before whether I am consulting a psychiatrist or a therapist or not, for my grief and depression over the loss of my mother. The answer is ‘NO’ for the following reasons: I am of the view that a psychiatrist is an ordinary guy who will try to fix my problems because its his profession; I feel that opening my heart and my life history will induce the same pain I felt when I actually went through the painful circumstances; I also feel that if I go to a psychiatrist and tell him everything, God may not like it – He’ll think that I am complaining for what happened; and last, but not least, my elder brothers and sister don’t have time to take me for sessions (my brothers have consuming jobs and my sister’s in a very difficult school program). I share all I have to you, instead of a therapist, because it doesn’t give me mental fatigue. Nowadays, everyday when I wake up, the first thought that comes in my mind is that my mom is dead. I feel shallow. The normal routine is almost restored. Sometimes i feel there is nothing wrong, while at other times I feel that life is unnatural’. I get the feeling that I can never achieve my goals. But my brother often reminds me that, ”God doesn’t burden a soul more than his strength.”

Hi Salvatore –

Of course, I’m not one to demand anything of anyone (except squirrels – I do yell at them to get off my roof!).  But I would like to throw one more argument at you, about talking to a professional (doesn’t have to be a psychiatrist – they tend to cost so much! – but a school counselor, a therapist, a spiritual leader… just someone who knows what they’re doing).  It’s a story I heard recently.

There was a man, of great faith.  The weather forecasters told everyone in the area that a huge flood was coming.  And this man knew, deep in his heart, that God would save him.  So when it started to rain, and some neighbors stopped by in their truck and asked if he wanted to come with them to escape the flood, he said, “No, for I know God will save me.”  So they drove off.  It rained and rained and rained, till all the ground was covered in over a foot of water.  Some people rowed up to his house in a boat, and asked if he would climb in, so everyone could get to safer ground.  “No thank you, I know God will save me.”  So they rowed away.  It kept raining and raining, till the only place the man could be was on the roof of his house.  A police helicopter flew down and lowered a ladder to him.  “No thank you, officers.  I’m fine.  I know God will save me.”  Finally they pulled the ladder up and flew away.  And it kept raining and raining, and eventually the water overtook him and he drowned.

He then went to heaven, and beheld Continue reading

0 How to approach a girl who’s scared of boys

Gabriel H. asks: I’m an 8th grader and I kinda have a crush on this new transfer student in the 7th grade. I know about her because she’s in the same class as my little brother. I heard from my bro that she’s very shy and quiet and never smiles. I wasn’t interested at first, but one day on a weekend, I went out to run some errands and when I was passing by the park, I saw the girl and she was playing with a little girl which I assume was her sister, and she was smiling and laughing with the her. And I guess, I fell for her. I told my bro about it and he teased me, but he promised to help me out. The next day, he had a study group at out house and he invited the girl. I tried to be friends with her but I discovered that she has an extreme case of boy phobia. The only reason she agreed to go to a study group with my bro was that one of her friends liked my bro’s best friend and she came to support her. I really want to help her out with her problem and get to know her but how can I when I’m her fear itself? Help!

Hi Gabriel H. –

I think this problem is a lot more common than most people think.  I see it all the time – very nice teens, who like and want to be liked, but are afraid of where things might lead with potential romantic partners.  I think there are two main reasons for this.  One is a very intelligent fear of things going too far physically, and not being able to keep that from happening.  The other is, very often, a fear of growing up, leaving childhood behind.  Peter Pan loved Wendy, but he didn’t want to become her boyfriend, or certainly her husband!

The solution for someone like you, Gabriel H., is to meet this girl where she is.  If you ask her out to a romantic movie, she’s going to be scared, and probably say “no.”  But if you befriend her, she will likely warm up to you, and learn to trust you.  And while I can’t guarantee that that friendship will turn into something more, it’s really the only way it can happen.

So what do I mean by “befriend?”  Well, for starters, just Continue reading

0 How to break up with someone who’s wonderful

Caitlyn asks: Hello, I have a boyfriend and I really like him, but I just want to be single for a while. What should I do?

Hi Caitlyn –

Aw this is such a tough situation!  Of course you’re right – if you need some time to yourself, you should take it.  But at the same time, if this boy likes you back, he’s going to feel some lousy stuff when you do.

Your job is to make there be as little lousiness as possible.

I’ve found that humans take this sort of rejection (which it is, even though you like him) best when it’s clearest and most direct.  So if you leave lots of hints, hoping he’ll bring the subject up, and give lots of “I don’t know, I’m feeling like I should be single for a while” comments… you are just going to drive him nuts.  He’ll think you’re losing interest in him and try to be nicer, he’ll start to suspect there are things you’re not telling him, maybe suspect you’re with another guy…

Way better to sit him down and say, “Look, here’s the situation.  You’re great.  There’s nothing Continue reading

0 How to deal with long-distance relationships

Mandhie asks: My boyfriend’s family relocated into another city, about an hour away. When he was leaving, he came to my house and broke out the news to me. I took it as ‘I am okay with it’ situation but I know he knows I was ‘acting’ and that I would really miss him. The night when his family left, words can’t express how much I cried, but I was able to put myself together after some weeks. Shirelle, I used to really seriously love and want this guy BUT now I feel I have given up on my love for him because I keep on having this mindset that he will meet someone else, perhaps a prettier girl than me. What confuses me is that I feel he is beginning to love me because he is always talking about how distant we are and how we won’t be able to see each other like we used to. I am very confident when we talk on the phone, which surprises him because he knows me to be a shy girl when I am around him. I still like him but why is that I am not feeling how I used to feel at first? Am I losing my love for him? Was it truly love that felt? Is my confusion because of how much I wept that night and the various mindsets I had about him getting another girl? This Friday is his birthday, so how should I talk with him then?

Hi Mandie –

As to your main question, about whether you’re losing your love for him, the fact is I have no idea – only you can know that.  But I do have a lot of thoughts about what might be going on.

First, those thoughts about him and other girls – those could come from a lot of sources.  Maybe you’re just imagining too strongly; maybe you’re thinking about cute boys and so your brain is avoiding guilt by picturing him with other girls; and maybe, just maybe, you’re picking up on some signals that he is actually looking elsewhere.  Any are possible.  Do any sound more right to you?  If so, that’s likely the correct one.

Second, about your feelings pulling back – those could be from a few reasons too.  Maybe you’re just getting a Continue reading

0 What does it mean when someone in a relationship keeps thinking about their ex?

noah asks: I had an ex-boyfriend who left to go on a mission in our church for two years. We’ve been four years together, on and off. Today, I have my present boyfriend, and we’ve been together for four fruitful months. Somehow, I think of my ex all the time (sort of concern and care). So, do I really love my present boyfriend? Or am I just using him to replace my feelings for my ex?

Hi noah –

I don’t know the inside of your heart or your mind, so I can’t answer your main question – only you can know whether you truly love your boyfriend or not. But I can put out a suggestion.

It’s really common, when people have been together for a while, for one or both of them to start getting a bit antsy, even a bit bored. And their minds will wander to others – very often to their exes. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t love their current faves, but maybe it’s a sign that something needs to be Continue reading

0 How to lead peers

Andrei asks: I am a first year high school student, and the chief of my class. But I’m having trouble controlling my friends. On one hand, I don’t want to act bossy, but on the other, I don’t want to disappoint my teachers. What should I do??

Hi Andrei –

I see this same problem at the dog park all the time.  A dog will be running around, trying to get the other dogs there to calm down or behave, and they don’t pay any attention to it.  But when a human walks in and tells dogs to do something, they’ll listen right away.

Now if there weren’t any humans there, the dogs would do what we do in nature, which is to form a pack.  And then there would definitely be a leader.  Probably it would take some time to determine who the leader is, as the dogs who wanted to be leader would have to fight each other for it.  But eventually, one dog would be the one all the other dogs would follow, at least for a while.

But that doesn’t happen at the Continue reading

1 How to meet a stranger you’re attracted to

messier asks: During the past several months, during my morning jog, I’ve exchanged smiles and hellos with an attractive young woman as she stands at her bus stop. I know she lives two blocks down from my street, but I do not know her name, address, or phone number. Also I do not know anybody we have in common in the neighborhood I could ask about her. I wish she could see me in dress clothes instead of morning jogging clothes! Can you think of any other ways I could “coincidentally” bump into her? Approach strategies?!

Hi messier –

Ooh, what a fun question!  Do you know the old song “Bus Stop” by the Hollies?  Might be worth a listen, since it’s kind of what you’re describing (except there aren’t any jogging clothes in the song!).

Now of course I don’t know your neighborhood, so I don’t know exactly what’s there.  But just from what you’ve told me, I do have two ideas.  The first is, one day, to have Continue reading

0 How to grieve the end of a romance

Hermuda asks: At the beginning of this year, I got dumped by the boyfriend whom I was madly in love with. We were very loving towards each other and we loved to play and fool around with each other. I was so much in love with him that it got to the point I’d actually trust him in stealing my innocence in bed. During the first month of our breakup, I was a major wreck. I skipped meals, my grades dropped, my sleeping schedule went whack, I lost interest in everything I loved to do, I had constant suicidal thoughts, and I ignored most of the friends I was extremely close to. I’ve had a handful of boyfriends before him, but never before have I actually done something like that. It never bothered me before when I lost a boyfriend, but during the first month of our break-up, I was breaking down whenever he ignored and walked past me. But now, we are close friends and we both have normal teenage conversations with each other. The only problem is, while he brags about how much he’s in love with a girl he met, I’m walking right next to him thinking about how I wished we were still in a mutual relationship. I was so determined to get over him that I actually decided to help him in trying to hook up with the new girl he’s trying so hard to get. Now that I know he’s happily close friends with the girl, I’m supposed to be happy for him, but no. I’m actually extremely mad and jealous and heart-broken. My friends are doing their part in trying to get me to let him go. Taking me to parties, giving me some of their advice, making me join social groups, occupying me with all the fun activities we used to do, sometimes even giving me rewards for ignoring him (and a penalty for talking to him) but nothing ever seems to work. I can’t get over him. I meet guys who try to hit on me, but none have actually caught my attention. I’ve never held on to my feelings for someone for more than three months before and it really hurts a lot. I want to let go of my feelings for him, but everything everyone has been telling me to do just never worked. Sometimes, I’m even afraid of letting him go. My friends are still trying, but I’m very certain that everyone’s on the verge of ripping their hair out. I’ve sent myself to student services a number of times, but their advice doesn’t really work out for me. So now, I’m turning to you. Please, help me, Shirelle. I want to move on, but I’m still bound to a part of life that holds me back from everything, even my dreams. I want to fulfill my dream, but I can’t when I’ve tossed everything away to regain what is now a memory. I want to be free.

Hi Hermuda –

Before I say anything else, I have to say, this is one of the most beautiful, heartfelt, and poetic letters I’ve ever received.  While your story made me go outside and howl at the moon in chorus with all the lonely heartbroken souls of eternity, it was also your writing that affected me so.  I hope you’re taking your talent seriously – you could easily become a famous novelist or poet!

But you didn’t write me for literary criticism.  So let’s get on to this very difficult situation.

First of all, I’m just so sorry.  I know, it’s very very hard to move on after a breakup.  Especially with a truly special love like this, who just gets into your mind and heart, and haunts you like a ghost.

It’s great that you have good, loyal, and imaginative friends.  And I’m not the one to tell you to disregard any of their specific advice:  Date other guys, or avoid all guys, or take a vacation, or dye your hair a new color…  I can’t tell you that any of these are right or wrong.  I don’t even disagree with your staying friends with him, unless it’s hurting you too much.

The fact is – you just have to get through this time.

What you’re experiencing is actually the Continue reading

0 What to do if a boy hits a girl in fun

prettyndsweet12 asks: I recently had an encounter with a boy slapping me in the face. I did hit him back and just assumed he was just playing. I told my mom about only to find out that she told my grandma and my dad. I told my mom as a way to bond with her and let her know I’m trying to be more open with her and it was only supposed to between her and me. How do I explain this to my mom nicely and how do I tell my dad I don’t want to talk about it with him?

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

You’re dealing here with two problems.  One is with your actual relationship with the boy.  The other is about how different people see certain actions.

With the boy, it sounds like you’re feeling okay about what happened.  I’ll allow that, though I will say that I get a bit concerned about a boy who thinks it’s “just playing” to hit a girl.  When I play with other dogs, it’s very rough, as you can probably guess.   But we have some very specific rules.  One is that if one of us yelps, the other pulls back right away.  Another is that, if one of our humans tells us to stop, we have to stop (at least for a second!).  The problem I’m having is that most boys have a similar rule, to never hit a girl.  So the fact that he slapped you, even in play, means he’s playing by a different set of rules.  And I don’t know what they are.  I certainly don’t want to see a wonderful girl like you in a relationship where it’s considered “okay” for you two to be hitting each other (eventually it wouldn’t be fair to you, just by the nature of the way boys’ arms and shoulders are built).  So I’d really like you to feel like you could talk to him about it – maybe to say “That was okay, and I made it even, but don’t ever hit me again – it won’t be okay next time.”  Something like that.  If you do that, and he respects what you say, all is fine.  (And if he doesn’t, I hereby give you the right to get your friends together to pound him!)

Now, about your parents:  It’s impossible for a kid or a dog to understand the way our Continue reading

0 How loss affects one’s work

Salvatore asks: The first time I wrote you was when I was depressed because of my father’s death. I had the fear that my mom would die too, like my father, but you said that she might live long… your letters were a great satisfaction to me. The problem is this that my mom has died too. After her death it seems to me that the world has stopped, as if life has lost its meanings. Following are the thoughts and problems that have overpowered me: I can’t perform well in studies; I am unable to form concepts; At times I feel too giddy; My mathematics isn’t good; I have nothing that can distinguish me from other people; I overthink the things; I can’t understand how people laugh and talk about silly and useless things. All of this leads me to only one conclusion: ”I CAN’T BECOME A DOCTOR!” I have always wanted to be one. For that I have to get at least 90 percent marks in FSc part 1 and 2. I burnt the midnight oil in part 1, but I got only 84 percent marks because of the totally unfair marking by examiner – and I’m not allowed to challenge him in a court of law. I am really depressed. I am having trouble sleeping, and nightmares. I need a solution!

Hi Salvatore –

Salvatore, you absolutely break my heart.

There are no words I can offer, no licks, no paw, no howling at the moon, that remotely tell how sad I am that you have gone through this second devastating loss so soon.  It’s not fair.  Not in any way.  And if there was something I could do to bring your mother back, I’d do it in a second.  But of course I can’t.  All I can do is look at you with the biggest dog-eyes I can and let you know, I am SO sorry.

I certainly understand your wish to do better in school, and I hope you can.  But I need to tell you, it’s very possible that these two losses have just been too much, and you might not get the best grades right now.  And if so, I have a number of things to say to you.

First, you’re young.  You can take these exams again.  Especially given the reason you can tell the testers about why you were “off” when you took these.  You just might need more time, before you can relax and concentrate enough for them.

Second, the things you tell me about your feelings make me think that you’re still in a state of shock.  This will pass.  You will be affected by these losses forever, of course, but you will survive them.  People do every day.  And you will get stronger.

Third, there’s a thing the great people in Continue reading