Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 How to navigate the first stages after a breakup

Gface asks: I recently had to end it with my closest, and practically only, friend. He and I have had a lot of rough patches. He was very manipulative and sometimes brutal with how he was with me emotionally. I’ve broken it off with him before, but I had decided to give him a second chance and we actually ended up dating after that. But once we did, I fell into a serious depression. It was so bad I couldn’t get out of bed or talk to anyone. So I broke it off with him. But we were surprisingly able to remain best friends and it was good for awhile. We went to prom together as friends and right after we got back together. I was happy with him for another couple of months, then things started to get hard again. I was moving 7 hours away from him, and I knew I couldn’t handle that. But quietly I had decided to wait and see how things were after I moved. I thought maybe things would get better once I got my life together. But he actually broke up with me a month after I moved. I was okay with it, I thought it was the right thing and I was actually relieved. I thought we would be able to go back as friends like we did after the first break up, but then things went downhill. He started acting like he did when we were first friends. He was getting clingy, always being manipulative and slipping in certain sentences that made me feel bad if I didn’t feel like talking or if I had even not responded to a text right away. He always got depressed if my life was too busy, and always needed my attention. But when his life was busy he was all of a sudden happy and telling me every single detail of the great day he had. It was getting too hard and I felt like I was getting dragged through the mud, so I broke it off with him. And again, I wasn’t that emotionally impaired. It was hard, but I honestly felt free. Like I could finally be okay again, with nothing to pull me down every time I got up. I even had a friend at the time to distract me while I was dealing with this. He’s actually my ex’s neighbor, and it felt kind of weird to continue talking to him after I ended it with my ex. But he was dealing with something, and so was I, so it felt like we kind of helped each other out this week. Then he suddenly got a little better, and I tried texting this guy but he’s been keeping the conversation short. I don’t know if I did something or if he only wanted to talk to me because he was dealing with something at the time. And I know he’s not ignoring me because of what happened with my ex, because we talked about it. But I keep thinking about how just a week ago he said that if I needed anything, he’d be here for me. And I helped him through a lot this week, and I now just feel like he’s ignoring me. And I literally have no one else to talk to because I don’t have any friends in my new city, and I don’t really like going to family with these situations cause they can’t really help, nor are they the best at giving me emotional support. So I don’t know how to handle my feelings right now. And I don’t know what to do to distract myself from them. I’m beginning to feel quite depressed again, and very alone.

Hi Gface –

Wow I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds so tough.

And I don’t know why this is, but this last month seems to have been just LOADED with breakups, and particularly bad ones. People who write me, people I see around me… I can’t help but think some of it is even connected to that weird thing that happened yesterday when the sun got blocked a lot of places!

But with all the pain involved – and again I’m really sorry you’re going through it – I can’t help but notice something else. Which is that it sure looks like the breakup is all for the best.

Your relationship with this guy has been… what’s the word? Convoluted! You and he seem to have been in a crazy dance for a long time, that hardly ever was the way you wanted it to be. Most humans seem to have at least one romance like this, and they learn lots from it, which helps them in other relationships later on.

But it’s like when you’ve just finished a long bout of a bad flu. Your body is exhausted, but it’s actually built lots of new antibodies which will keep you stronger and healthier than you could be before. And you’re ready to jump out and embrace your flu-free life, but… there’s no one there.

Why? Because all your friends have been talking and making plans with each other while you were stuck in bed, throwing up, and coughing your guts out! And they’ll all be very happy to see you again, but you need to call and write them and make some plans before that can happen.

Or maybe you have two weeks of overdue homework you have to do. Or a filthy home that needs to be cleaned up. Or a pile of unpaid bills.

Whatever it is, you have to Continue reading

0 How to deal with having a special-needs sibling

Starlight asks: My big brother is two years older than me. He has a disability that makes it hard for him to talk. He can talk but he can’t say the words right so you can’t understand him a lot. We go to the same school. He is grade 6 and I am in grade 4. Why is his schoolwork a lot easier than mine? His work is like grade 1 work. I am on a higher reading level too. He still reads books with pictures in them. His homework is so much easier then mine. The kids at school are mean to him and he doesn’t have many friends, so I some times feel sad for him. My mum and dad treat us different. I don’t know why but I feel like I am older and he is more like my little brother.

Hi Starlight –

I don’t know anything about your brother except what you’ve told me, of course, but it sounds to me like you’re right – in a lot of ways you are the older one. But I’ll change that and say, you’re the more highly developed one.

Let me explain what I mean. If you and I were born on the same day, we’d have both begun as helpless little infants. But a month later, you’d still have been a helpless, gurgling baby, while I’d have started walking already. And by the time we were six months old, you’d be maybe starting to crawl, while I was running laps around the yard, and starting training classes where I’d learn about ten words. And when we were each a year, you’d be just starting to walk, and I’d already be my full adult size. So I would have been far more developed than you.

But then, you’d have started to pass me waaaay by. You’d start talking, which I still can’t do. And while your walking wouldn’t be as graceful as mine yet, you’d have kept learning more, to the degree that by the time we were three or four years old, you could start dancing school if you wanted, or karate classes, or tennis lessons – none of which I could do. I really stopped my development by age one, except in some emotional maturity, which I reached around age five. Which is when you would be starting school and learning to read, write, do mathematics… and on and on it goes.

My point is that age isn’t really all that important. There are other differences between us that matter more, in terms of development. So sure, your brother was born first. But he has some developmental issues (though I can’t say what they are) that have hurt his speaking abilities, and have the school believing that he’s not capable of the same level of schoolwork you are.

Teachers try to give all their students work that challenges them, but isn’t too difficult for them. So it sounds like they’re giving you more advanced work than your brother because they believe you two are at these two different levels. If they’re correct, it’s likely you will continue to be ahead of him in that area, and possibly some others. It doesn’t mean anyone’s doing anything wrong; everyone’s doing their best to give you and him the best treatment they can. Including your parents.

But I will throw one story in about this. When my human friend Handsome was growing up, he knew a family where the oldest child was considered very developmentally delayed, to the degree the family put him in a special home, and raised his two younger siblings instead. But at some point, the home found out that the oldest boy just had a learning problem, and with the right help was able to speak, read, and write just as well as his younger brother and sister. And by the time Handsome met them, he couldn’t tell what problems the oldest boy had ever had.

So that’s why I can’t say what your brother’s issues are. Maybe he just has a speech impediment, and is a slow learner, and maybe there’s more going on. But for now, your job is to be a wonderful supporter of him (especially when those other kids are mean), but to also make sure you get the attention you deserve. Because whatever his issues are, you matter too. Just as much.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to deal with being the youngest at a college

arjai101 asks: So, I applied to that technical university I told you about, and I got in. And, I decided to dual enroll there full time. Up until now, I’ve felt confident in my decision, but now I feel like I’ve just signed myself off to two years of loneliness. See, we were supposed to have a practice class or some orientation. But, it turns out that wasn’t for us!!! So, I have no idea how I’m supposed to meet other students like me on campus. It will literally be like finding a needle in a haystack. One of the reasons I chose to dual enroll was I thought it would be a good way of finding a tight-knit group of friends. But now, it will be absolutely impossible. I’m going to be on that campus all alone, and all my friends at my high school don’t exactly have flexible schedules, and I can already feel myself drifting away from the group. It’s just a natural thing that happens. Some might suggest, just make friends with those college kids; it’ll be fun blah blah. But let’s be realistic, what college kid is going to want to hang out with a 16-year-old?! It’s like being a freshman times two. And even if I miraculously did manage to make some college friends, it’s not like my mom would approve. So, I’d just be sneaking around her all the time, which would just be a massive headache. My mom will argue that there will be some nice campus kids from church on campus. But, I don’t want anything to do with them. I don’t want anything to do with our church; I can’t wait until I don’t have to go there. I don’t agree with about 90% of their views. Plus, the campus church kids will just want to make me study the bible, and I’m not exaggerating at all. So I guess my question is, what am I supposed to do about this? I’m still in clubs at my old school, but nothing is the same now that I’m not there every day. They went back to school three weeks ago and my first day is this Monday, so I’ve had three weeks to realize how lonely it is. I thought that this practice class/ orientation would help me meet some people, but apparently, that isn’t the case. What do I do? I don’t want to go back to my school. Plus, it’s a little late for that.

Hi arjai101 –

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

I am so impressed, and, to whatever degree a loving pooch can claim connection to you, SO PROUD OF YOU!!! I’m gonna be walking around today with my chest sticking out EXTRA far! WOW!

Meanwhile, your question makes lots of sense. I think I’ve told you about my friend who started college even a bit younger than you, who had mixed feelings about having done that – in some ways great to be the youngest there, and in some ways not.

But as to your overall question, I actually have an answer. Not based on her experience, but on my own.

When Handsome first brought me home from the pound, I was only three months old, and the veterinarians told him not to take me to a dog park for another few months, so I’d be old enough to handle possible diseases that might be there. I’m a very social pup, so it was really hard for me to handle being kept away from other dogs for that long. And when he finally took me to a huge park with tons of dogs, I was ecstatic – ran around ready to play with everyone. And they were…

Well, some of them were only barely interested in me. Sniffed me, let me sniff them, but then they went on their way. Others wouldn’t even notice me. And then there were still others who barked at me and chased me away. I was miserable. I mean, I had Handsome there, who would come up and give me pats and hugs, but no one would play with me. I was crushed. And on the way driving home, Handsome told me, “I’m so sorry, puppy. You reminded me of being a kid on my first day at school. In fact, I think you reminded me of every kid the first day at school.”

But he then did something very smart. He brought me back the next day. And this time I wasn’t as eager or pushy, and a few dogs walked up to sniff me. And then, as I walked around, I found a dog who’d play with me for a minute. And then I found another. And another.

And soon, I met someone who would change my life. An Akita-mix named Kuma. Kuma had come from an abusive past, and was afraid of most people, and played so roughly most dogs didn’t like him. But he and I were made for each other! We played so hard and crazy that both of us were exhausted by the time we left the park. We did so well that Handsome and Laura, Kuma’s human, started planning to be at the park at the same time so we could beat the daylights out of each other. And then to have some play-dates outside the park, and even sleepovers when one of the humans was out of town! Kuma became the best dog-friend I ever had.

So why am I telling you all this? Because this is exactly what’s going to happen to you at college. You’re going to go and feel there’s something wrong with you because you’re young. Someone else will feel there’s something wrong with them because they’re older, or short or tall or skinny or plump or athletic or unathletic or a certain race or a certain religion or… Everyone there is going to feel like an outsider (except those who have friends there already – and they’re likely to wish they could get away from them and meet the cool new people around them). And this feeling might last five minutes or five days.

But it will end.

Somehow, you’re going to meet someone you like. Who likes you. Who is interested in the things you’re interested in. And who’s going to want to hang out with you.

And how do I know this?

Because everyone starting school there wants exactly what you want – friends, ways to have some fun, and to stop feeling so alienated and lonely!

So you have two jobs, arjai101. The first is Continue reading

0 How to deal with a shame-based parent

G-face asks: I’ve had a lot of problems over the years that I’ve struggled with and gone to counseling for, and one of my biggest problems is my mom. I love her, but she’s always been a really judgmental person to me. She nit-picks on everyone and everything. It’s like if she doesn’t approve of something, she’s going to shame it until you don’t approve of it, either. And I feel like she does this with me a lot. She judges a lot of the things I say or do and acts as if they’re the stupidest things ever, and sometimes her negative comments really make me feel bad about myself. She’s also starting to see every difference of opinion as an argument, so if I say one thing wrong she starts raising her voice and defending herself. It’s come to the point where I don’t feel safe with her anymore. I can’t even have conversations with her and if she gets upset I just have to keep my mouth shut so she can have the last word. As I said earlier, I’ve gone to counseling for this before cause it got really bad at one point and I started having mental breakdowns. She even came to a couple of the sessions for group therapy, and that just made things worse. My relationship with my mother is starting to feel like a lost cause. And it’s hard because she’s really the only relationship I have right now. I just moved to a new city and I know no one, so I’ve been isolated for a while and have no one to talk to except her. I’m not really sure what to do about this situation. How to fix things with my mother, and also how to feel less isolated and lonely. Any ideas?

Hi G-Face –

This situation you’re in is awfully sad to read about, and way more common than you probably realize. I get lots of letters – from people of all ages – about situations like this.

In fact, I guess you could say that what I see as the big issue here is really the main reason I have my website.

Let me explain. I live with a wonderful human I call Handsome. I love him more than anything and think he’s absolutely brilliant (He knows how to go to a store, get let in, and come out with bags of food! I could never do that!).   But as I’ve watched him and his family and friends over the years, I’ve noticed a quality that their giant brains have that I don’t, and which I’d never want to have. It’s called Shame.

Shame is the most awful, destructive, quality I’ve ever seen. What cancer does to bodies, Shame does to souls. It tells people they’re not good enough, that they aren’t lovable, that they’re fundamentally alone – and leaves them to struggle with that pain. Even dogs who’ve been abused don’t have Shame (They might believe that they can’t trust anyone, that no one will ever love them, but their small brains don’t follow that up with a logic that says there’s something wrong with them – they’ll just believe the world is a mean place. That’s bad enough, but Shame is even worse!).

And if all that isn’t enough, Shame makes a person see the world through a Shame-lens, and hear and speak through a Shame-Language. So the way they treat the world, and the way they see even those they most love, is all about their feelings of being unwantable and unacceptable.

Sounds like the definition of Hell, doesn’t it?

Well, to me, it sure sounds like that’s the problem your mother is suffering from.

You see, people see so much of their self-worth in their children; they feel that if their kid succeeds, that means they’re good parents, but if their kid fails at something, then that must mean they’re not good enough. (This is all COMPLETELY UNTRUE, by the way – children of great parents fail at things all the time, and children of lousy parents can be great successes in all sorts of ways. But I’m talking about the way the parents judge their children and themselves).

So when your mother sees you do or say something she doesn’t love, she’s personally offended – in her mind, you’re making her look bad. (I can only imagine how crazy it would make me if every time I pooped in public, Handsome was shocked and humiliated, feeling that it was the same as if he were doing it!) And because you’re “doing” this to her, she’s very angry with you. And if you talk back to defend yourself, you’re “doing” it to her even more!

Now you and I know that you’re not actually doing anything to her at all. But she can’t see it that way.

So what should you do to Continue reading

0 How to deal with realizing how different you are from others

Wooff asks: Recently, I’ve made some lifestyles changes. You could say, I’m going through a spiritual awakening. I have the years of hardship I’ve gone through to thank. I understand that these life lessons are our teachers. I want to delve into more before I get into the question. With this spiritual awakening, I’ve come to listen to my thoughts and decide on how to use these thoughts. I know everything in this world is up to you. But I’m in college at the moment. I have a diverse group of friends and sometimes I get sucked into their thought processes where we talk about other people or treat other people a certain way. I didn’t really have this problem back in high school when I mostly kept to myself and didn’t have many friends. So, how do I control how I think and behave around people who act and behave a certain way? Because it takes a lot of self control. Another question would be, why is it so hard to find people like you? I would really appreciate finding someone whose going through the same things as I am. I know there are people like me. But sometimes it gets lonely and hard to control myself.

Hi Wooff!

I’ll say it simply, my dear friend: this is hard. It always has been, and always will be.

Most people don’t get the clarity you’re having. Because they had more friends from ages ten to eighteen, they have always adjusted themselves to their peers’ beliefs and attitudes, and by your age are just beginning to question those (often because they’ve left home and discovered new friends whose views are very different). But you’ve been more of a loner and individualist. So now you’re discovering these conflicts and wondering what in the world happened!

Well I’m going to start with the bad news (which I personally think is wonderful, but will be bad for you right now). Which is that, when you say that you know there are people like you, I disagree. Yes, there are people who will share your spiritual or political views, or your moral sense, or sense of humor. But my friend, you are absolutely unique. Hey, we dogs have a lot less variety than you guys do, and I’m the only one of me, right?   So you might well need to face a new world where you realize you are, in many ways, going to always be alone (Handsome just yelled to me that, if you aren’t familiar with it, you should take six minutes to close your eyes and listen to one of the most amazing recordings ever made, Bob Dylan’s famous single “Like a Rolling Stone.” It might define exactly the way you’re feeling).

And my answer to your question really relies on your realizing this fact.   In many ways we are all one; I love the idea that we’re all part of one gigantic soul. And I certainly believe that life is better the more we realize how connected we all are (clearly – otherwise I’d never have this website!). But it’s also true that we’re each unique and magical and perfect and flawed and… hey look, every dog is really good at knowing who was in their neighborhood that day by sniffing trees, right? So believe me, EVERYONE is unique!

So the trick I’d offer you has two steps. First, you just need to accept that you’re where you are in life, and that this is a time for everyone where this issue is difficult. Forgive yourself, and give yourself some slack to make some mistakes as you learn how to handle it.

But second, I suggest you take up a little meditation ritual. Every morning and every night, just for a couple of minutes, close your eyes, breathe deeply, and concentrate on this paradox – that we’re all one, we’re all alike, and yet we’re all different. Let your brain struggle with that a bit. See the frustration of it, and the wonderful beauty. Think about how there could only be one Beethoven, yet his music has affected everyone. Think about all the millions of soldiers that have given up their identities to serve in war, and how the loss of each of them has been the worst thing that ever happened in someone else’s life (their mother, their lover, their wife, their child). Think about how every person in a traffic jam is annoyed that there are so many other people in the traffic jam!

And the more you focus on this issue, the more it will become just a part of you, to see everyone as individuals and as parts of all of us. And to realize that you always have the choice to conform or to differ, to join or to step away, to commit or to flee. And that the choices you make define who you are.

Though I can say that the choices you’ve made over all this time, to write and talk to me about so many things, mean that I see you as absolutely wonderful. And it would be very hard for anyone, even you, to change that definition in my heart!

All my best,
Shirelle

0 How to improve a child’s memory

Join my pack asks: I have a 9-yr-old son. How can I improve his memory power, as he always forget his stuff in the school and never completes his work? He is a very active child and very talkative. Then what is the reason that he is so lazy with his school works?

Hi join my pack –

I’m going to give you the worst answer in the world, one you’re likely to hate:

Your son is right on schedule.

You say your son is active and talkative; that tells me that he’s curious and interested in things, and he doesn’t suffer from depression or some debilitating disease. But he doesn’t complete his work, and forgets things in school. Like most nine-year-old boys.

Of course, it’s easy to say, the best way for him to remember more of what he learns in school is for him to complete his work (that’s what it’s there for, after all). But the more important fact is that we remember much more of what interests us than what doesn’t.

My human friend Handsome told me a story about this. When he was just older than your son, he had to write a report about every book he read. Nothing big, just a paragraph or two. At one point, he read a 300-page book about a family raising lions. Nothing against lions, but he barely managed to come up with three sentences about it. He simply couldn’t remember any more of it than that. Then one night he read a 50-page book about horror movies – the first time he’d ever seen a book about these flicks he loved so much. And it excited him so much, he wasn’t able to fit his report into the teacher’s form – he needed three pages to write it up! In fact, I’ll bet if you asked him about it a month after he read it, he could have easily told you a hundred facts he learned from it.

So your son needs one simple thing – to Continue reading

0 How to relieve gastrointestinal gas

Flirty asks: Gastrointestinal gas. How to get a quick relief?

Hi Flirty –

Well, of course, as a dog, I’m going to tell you that nature offers two excellent ways to get relief from gas. Both involve getting the gas out of your body. One involves it moving upward/forward, and the other downward/backward. And both will get you laughter if you’re with fun people, or scowls if you’re with serious people, or sent to the principal’s office if you’re in class.

But if it’s so trapped in that it can’t come out one of those two ways, and if (as it sounds from your letter) it’s chronic – which means the pain sticks around more than just for an hour or two – then you want to take more serious steps to fixing it.

Most of the time, we mammals get gas from having too much acid in our digestive system. And there are lots of simple ways to reduce that. Have you studied pH in school, and learned about acids and bases? If so, you know that the way to reduce acidity is to bring in anything more alkaline, or basic, and mix it in. The easiest one to find is Continue reading

0 How to tell if someone’s attraction to you is true love

Classychick asks: I just met a guy few weeks back, and fortunately for me I kind of like him, but I think he likes me more (and not even like but love), if he truly does the way I see his reactions towards me. But I don’t know how to test him, to see if he loves me. Although this guy is in his final levels in law school, I don’t know if he truly wants me (or just wants my body because I like him).

Hi Classychick –

You’re asking what looks like a simple question, but is actually really gigantic and complex. I’ve written other pieces on here trying to answer the question of What Is Love. But now you’re asking how to tell if what another person feels about you is love.

And I have an awful answer for you: You Can’t.

People (and dogs) can act in a way that is very loving, and sure looks like love, and then abandon you or actively choose to hurt you the very next day. And that sure doesn’t feel like love.

But people have enough trouble figuring out what they themselves are feeling; determining someone else’s feelings is simply impossible!

So I’m going to change your question around a little bit, and ask a different one: How can one know whether or not to trust someone (who acts like they love you). Because isn’t that what you’re really asking? If this guy really cares about you the way he seems to, or if he’s just interested in using you for play.

Now we all have heard stories about psychopaths who convince everyone to trust them while they pursue their evil agendas. And it’s true, no one can really read those people well. But they are reaaaaallllly rare, so let’s give this guy the benefit of the doubt and say that he’s not Jack the Ripper or something.

If so, you can do things to find out whether he’s really trustworthy or not. Here are a few:

Continue reading

0 How to enhance spoken English skills

AHMAD asks: How can spoken English of the nursery and primary school pupils, who primarily speak other languages, be enhanced?

Hi AHMAD –

It should be clear, to anyone who has ever studied a foreign language, that actual classroom and homework instruction only teaches fundamentals.  To really master a tongue, one needs different experiences with it.  Especially because people who speak a language well tend to speak in very different ways than what’s taught in classes.

My human friend Handsome and I live in an area with lots of people who speak Spanish – a language which Handsome studied in school for years, and which he can speak fairly well.  But when our neighbors talk among themselves, he feels like he never learned a word of it – with their speed, their slurring of words, their natural colloquialisms (a long word for the ways people talk that aren’t officially correct grammar or definitions).

So while it’s a great thing for children to be taught languages at early ages (as scientists have found that human brains learn languages much better at early ages than they do later), it’s all the better if the kids can also experience the languages in other ways, so they learn to become truly fluent, and not just knowledgeable.

There are lots of ways to achieve this.  One nice thing about English is that so many of the most popular movies and songs are in it.  So a great way for children to learn to speak it well is to just enjoy some of their favorite entertainments – watching an undubbed Cars 3 or listening to the latest from Bruno Mars or Ed Sheeran are great ways to immerse kids into the language.

But my favorite way is what’s called Continue reading

0 How to deal with someone harassing you on social media

Reena asks: Four years ago, I had joined a job (mom had told me to work there temporary), but honestly it was more than a year and I got stuck there because we needed the money. The place was making me miserable because I wanted to join Aviation back then and because the money there wasn’t good. I couldn’t even mask my feelings anymore and it showed in my body language and some colleagues knew that something was wrong with me. This became apparent to my Trainer too, who assumed that I’m dealing with a breakup! There’s a saying here in India, “We as Indians love to do two things. 1st stare at people, 2nd assume things about people”. To add to it, some people in the batch told my trainer some good things about me and then this guy started chasing and dropping hints shamelessly that he wanted to be friends. He gave me the impression of being a terribly lonely person because no one in their right mind decides that you have become their best friend overnight. It takes time, it’s a process. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m not friendly but honestly I didn’t want to be friends with this guy for a number of reasons. Things that I had observed about him during training: He had intimacy issues, he wasn’t comfortable with emotions. He could be very cold to you, if it wasn’t his need (selfish). He could lie shamelessly to protect himself (manipulative). If you and he are not on the same page in life, he won’t even make an attempt to understand where you’re coming from. He just can’t understand why you are like that (lack of empathy)! I saw all these things, never said a word but decided, I don’t want this guy in my life at least. I used to royally ignore him but he just didn’t want to take a hint and leave me alone. Of course it hurt the irrational male ego. He wouldn’t let go. He started cornering me in class, asking questions he knew I wouldn’t be able to answer, damaged my reputation at work, telling people that I’m selfish and insensitive. To be honest, Shirelle, if he had ever come to me, told me like an adult that he wanted to talk to me, we could have sat and had a mature adult conversation where he could be transparent about his intentions and tell me upfront what he was looking for and I could honestly tell him that I’m not on the same page in life, not looking for the same things as him. I could tell him that if he is trying to move on from me, I could help him. I would be able to genuinely respect this guy. But no, that hurts the male ego. He wouldn’t do that. He would rather use indirect tactics, talk behind my back, make faces when I passed by, lie shamelessly, etc. Today, we’ve both left that job. However, he has now started to attack me on Facebook. Back then, he was telling people that he wants to help me out of humanity because it looks like I’m dealing with problems, he has no other intentions (remember, manipulative). Trust me, I am genuinely fed up of this guy who won’t take a hint and leave me alone. I want absolutely nothing to do with him. He is pretending like he doesn’t want to be friends with me but he complains about me saying I’m not very social blah blah blah. I don’t care. He is very immature and I don’t know how to get rid of him. Please help. I will not reciprocate, that is 110 % sure. However, if he needs my help to move on, I can definitely help.

Hi Reena –

I’ll be happy to help you, but I’m going to jump on your case on one issue first. As a dog, I tend to see people as all the same, or as individuals. Most broad-brush statements about groups (all women are emotional, all Americans are loud) I find incorrect and often really wrongheaded. Now I completely understand how a woman has to deal with the worst qualities of men, especially in the workplace. But I can promise you, from everything I’ve seen, men do not have a monopoly on fragile egos! I’ve seen women pull just the same garbage this guy is doing, and I know that when people read your question, some of them (particularly the men) will pull back, and relate less to you, because you keep talking about male egos. So while I fully agree that this guy’s ego is running things, and much of it may be about his bruised sense of masculinity, I’d love you to be careful about making statements like that.

Well, except if you’re talking about cats. Then you can say they’re all sneaky and stupid and smelly and…

Ah well, back to your question.

Okay, this guy is AWFUL!!! I don’t blame him for being quiet or shy or even unempathic, and I certainly don’t blame him for trying to be friends with you (oh if I worked there, I’d be sniffing around your chair, jumping up on you, nipping at your shoes every day!). But he is being a total jerk right now. No two ways about it.

So maybe there was something you could have done better last year. Maybe it would have been best to talk to him more directly, like “Hey it seems to me you’re wanting to have a closer friendship with me than I’m comfortable with. I appreciate it, but I’m sorry I can’t do that right now.”

Or maybe not. I don’t know.

But you have a very different problem now, and it needs to be dealt with. But how to deal with it is tough. Here are a few possibilities:

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