Category Archives for "Growing Up"

0 How to handle excess worry, even if it’s about real things

everyday96 asks: I feel like nothing I do makes sense. I can’t remember the last time I actually smiled or laughed from my heart. You see, my parents are both a little overaged (56 and 57 years old), but more importantly they both have diseases from which they can drop dead at any moment. I try to help out best I can, but I’m just a kid, and even if I do help, I always feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’m not only worried about them, but now I’m also worried about myself. I haven’t been able to sleep lately because I’m afraid that if I do I might wake up an orphan. Sometimes I think they would have been better off if I wasn’t born at all. They do everything for me, but I don’t know if I can give it back. Please help me – I don’t know what I have to do to make them feel better. If I can see them smile again I’d be the happiest boy in the world.

Hi everyday96 –

There’s a word for what you’re suffering, and it’s called Anxiety.  Anxiety is what you have when you worry all the time, and worry too much.  Now note, no one is saying that you’re worrying about ridiculous things (like, say, worrying that bears will turn into bunnyrabbits).  But it is when you worry so much about even sensible things that the worry becomes a bigger problem than the problems you’re worrying about!

Now I don’t know what diseases your parents have, but I can say that 56 and 57 aren’t all that Continue reading

0 How to deal with someone you used to have a crush on

prettyndsweet12 asks: Last school year I had a crush on this boy and I was soooo scared to talk to him that every time he tried to talk to me I would get freaked out and walk away! Now I think he hates me for that. He is now going out with my friend, and I still like him, and I want a chance to make things right between him and me, but I don’t know how to do it, and I don’t want my friend to think I’m trying to steal her boyfriend!

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

Ah young love!  How people love to romanticize it – all forgetting how stressful and upsetting it is for those still in it!!!

Now it seems to me that everything going on here is about assumptions and interpretations.  What did this guy think when you freaked out and walked away, how does he feel about you now, and how does your friend see your actions?  SOOOO confusing!

It’s one area where it’s so much easier to be a Continue reading

0 Should parents search their children’s phone?

Mika asks: Should parents search their children’s phone?

Hi Mika –

This is a really tough question.  Of course parents should do anything and everything they can to keep their children safe.  And if they’re truly worried about something happening on their kid’s cell phone (for example, creepy adults contacting their kids, or something about drugs), they absolutely have every right and responsibility to check.

But then I hear other cases, like a letter from abcdefg I got a while back, a parent who had been looking on her teenage daughter’s cell phone and wanted to know what to do about the relationship she’d discovered.  You can find it here on this site if you like.

The real point here is that cell phones are like many other things in our world – public items that involve privacy.  Humans can keep people from reading their Facebook page, they can put blocks on their kids’ emails, etc.  It’s all very Continue reading

0 How to set goals

Darlene asks: what advice can I give friends about setting goals?

Hi Darlene –

Well, I’m going to sound a bit hypocritical here, since I give advice on this website every day, but really, friends often don’t want to get advice from their friends.  I’m a huge fan of setting goals, and clearly I’ve set a lot (making this website, catching squirrels, and other less-important issues), but I did those because I wanted to — not because Buddy or Scruffy from across the street told me I should.

In fact, I find that the best way to get your friends to “up their game” in the way you want is to show them, instead of telling them.  So if you have a goal that you want to achieve, talk more about it.  And let them in on your process.

For example, let’s say that you make a New Year’s Resolution that you’re going to plant two hundred Continue reading

0 Why do young people idolize entertainers

Donna asks: Why do young people idolize entertainers?

Hi Donna –

That’s a great question!  We’re so used to young people, especially teenagers, idolizing entertainers that we usually don’t ever think to ask Why!  Of course, in order to give a decent answer, we should also point out that there are young people who don’t idolize entertainers per se, but most will idolize someone – athletes, teachers, or of course religious figures.

I believe it comes from a simple developmental need.  When humans are children, they naturally idolize their parents or caregivers.  They spend most of their waking hours trying to be like them – that’s how people learn to walk, to speak, even how to think the way they do.  But then there has to come a time when they start looking outward for role models (this usually starts around age 7 or 8), and eventually they become teenagers, who care about what their peers think of them, at least as much as about what their Continue reading

0 How to talk freely with your parents

Priya asks: I’m not able to talk to my parents freely. What should I do?

Hi Priya –

Thanks for your question about not being able to talk to your parents freely.

The tough question here is whether it’s because they are impossible to communicate with, or because you’re unwilling or scared to try.  Either – or both – is possible.

I’m going to guess that it’s a bit of both, which is what I usually see in families.  If that’s the case, you need to do two things.  First, you need to do whatever you can to help them improve communication with you.  That probably means that they need to develop a trust that you can have a mature conversation with them, about a difficult subject.  And the only way you can prove that is to do it:  Go to them with a subject that is slightly difficult, and sit down and talk openly about it.  Let’s say, for example, that you have no interest in Continue reading

0 Why are young people into negative things?

lynch asks: Why are young people so hooked on the negative things?

Hi Lynch –

I don’t fully agree with you – I see young people hooked on positive things all the time – but I know what you’re talking about.  In particular, I imagine that, when you say “young people,” you’re referring to teenagers and people in their early 20’s.

There is a definite thing about that age that draws humans to a certain negativity.  They’ll often speak with a cynicism, listen to harsh music that says unpleasant things, and show great scorn for their parents and other authority figures.  And that’s the “good” kids – while others are smoking cigarettes, drinking, or doing illegal drugs, joining Continue reading

0 How to resolve a fight between your children

Erika asks: My two sons, aged 11 and 13, had a fight over a remote control a month ago and surprisingly they have not spoken to each other after that. I am quite worried. I have asked them to shake hands several times, and threatened to remove some privileges if they continue to not talk to each other. They would ask nonsense questions just to please me, but when left alone, they are back to their non-speaking situation. What else should I do, as I am so worried sick that this situation will remain for the rest of their lives!

Hi Erika –

It’s so interesting how these things happen.  Today, I also got a letter from Ricca (even a similar name to yours), about a fight she was in with her sister.  I want you to read that one, because I think it applies, but of course you’ll need more than just that.  (Just put her name in the Search box, and you’ll get it).

Of course the difference between you and Ricca is that she was in the fight and you’re not.  You’re on the outside, just like me!

But from my outside vantage, I need to point something out, that’s very clear from this distance (but maybe not up-close).  This fight is not about a remote control.  It never was.  No one cares this much about a remote control!  This is about your sons’ issues with each other, which existed long before that fight, and are continuing.  Now I don’t know exactly what the issues are or were, but that’s our job to figure Continue reading

0 How to resolve a fight between sisters

ricca asks: Today my sister and I were having a big war, and we’re still not settled down. What should I do?

Hi Ricca –

Thanks for your question about your fight with your sister.

Of course, I have no idea what your fight was over, or who was right or wrong.  But in the end, that really doesn’t matter anyway, does it?  What’s bothering you is that your fight is continuing, and that you need a way to resolve it.

Now if that’s only your feeling, and not your sister’s, that’s your first problem.  Somehow, you need to convince her to work with you to move past the fight.  I usually find that the best way to get that going is to find some part, any part, of the fight that you can acknowledge was your fault.  Or where you were wrong.  Let’s say the fight was because she set your bed on fire by accident.  Now you’re not about to say that was okay, but maybe you could acknowledge that if you had made your bed, the sheets wouldn’t have been touching the floor, where the gasoline she spilled could reach them!  (Don’t ask me how she got gasoline into your room or how it got lit – this dog’s imagination only goes so Continue reading

0 How to handle a stressful family

Mandy asks: I’m a young teen in need of help. Pressure and stress have gone to my head, and I have had enough with my family! My stepmother and biological mother are smothering me! I am tired of living. Can you give me something to raise my spirits? That’s really what I need right now.

Hi Mandy –

I know exactly how you feel!  And I can promise you one other thing – so does every person reading this!!!  EVERYONE goes through it!  Especially when you’re a teenager!

You might have heard of a famous actor named James Dean.  His most famous role was in a movie called “Rebel Without a Cause,” where he played a teenager pushed to the edge in lots of ways.  At the beginning of the movie, he gets in trouble with the cops, and his parents come to get him, arguing and worrying and criticizing and scolding until he finally screams, “You’re tearing me APART!”

Sound familiar?

Mandy, I would love to give you something to raise your spirits.  But I don’t know you well enough to know what kind of songs or jokes or food you like (for me: Artie Shaw, watching cats slip on bananas, and cheeseburgers!  Just in case you were wondering).

So instead, I’m going to make a point that I often do, but I think it just can’t be emphasized enough – This Will Pass.  It is very hard for teenagers to believe this, and there’s a very important reason for that.

In the last decade or so, scientists have discovered a fascinating thing about brain development.  By the time a kid becomes a teenager, their brain is fully complete, with one exception.  They don’t yet have a full sense of Time.  That sense isn’t full till one is 19 or so.

This is why teenagers are so passionate and intense (which is great) and why they so often feel that what they’re going through at the time will last forever.  (I love to point out that Shakespeare was totally right to have Romeo and Juliet be teenagers; if they were in their 20s, they’d have calmly worked to find a way to either make their parents get along, or sneak away.  So what a bore that play would have turned out to be!)

Mandy, it totally stinks that you’re having to go through all this with your mother and stepmother.  It’s not fair and it’s not reasonable.  But it is temporary!  The day will come when you can move out, or you can get them to treat you better.  But for now, my impassioned advice to you is to do what every dog in the world does when they’re left at home alone.  Trust that somehow, in some way, life will get good again.  And it almost always does.

And in the meantime…   songs, jokes, and food…  hey those can really help!

Cheers,

Shirelle

PS:  But if there’s anything I can suggest, to make dealing with these ladies easier, just let me know.  I’m always glad to help.