Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 How to grieve the end of a romance

Hermuda asks: At the beginning of this year, I got dumped by the boyfriend whom I was madly in love with. We were very loving towards each other and we loved to play and fool around with each other. I was so much in love with him that it got to the point I’d actually trust him in stealing my innocence in bed. During the first month of our breakup, I was a major wreck. I skipped meals, my grades dropped, my sleeping schedule went whack, I lost interest in everything I loved to do, I had constant suicidal thoughts, and I ignored most of the friends I was extremely close to. I’ve had a handful of boyfriends before him, but never before have I actually done something like that. It never bothered me before when I lost a boyfriend, but during the first month of our break-up, I was breaking down whenever he ignored and walked past me. But now, we are close friends and we both have normal teenage conversations with each other. The only problem is, while he brags about how much he’s in love with a girl he met, I’m walking right next to him thinking about how I wished we were still in a mutual relationship. I was so determined to get over him that I actually decided to help him in trying to hook up with the new girl he’s trying so hard to get. Now that I know he’s happily close friends with the girl, I’m supposed to be happy for him, but no. I’m actually extremely mad and jealous and heart-broken. My friends are doing their part in trying to get me to let him go. Taking me to parties, giving me some of their advice, making me join social groups, occupying me with all the fun activities we used to do, sometimes even giving me rewards for ignoring him (and a penalty for talking to him) but nothing ever seems to work. I can’t get over him. I meet guys who try to hit on me, but none have actually caught my attention. I’ve never held on to my feelings for someone for more than three months before and it really hurts a lot. I want to let go of my feelings for him, but everything everyone has been telling me to do just never worked. Sometimes, I’m even afraid of letting him go. My friends are still trying, but I’m very certain that everyone’s on the verge of ripping their hair out. I’ve sent myself to student services a number of times, but their advice doesn’t really work out for me. So now, I’m turning to you. Please, help me, Shirelle. I want to move on, but I’m still bound to a part of life that holds me back from everything, even my dreams. I want to fulfill my dream, but I can’t when I’ve tossed everything away to regain what is now a memory. I want to be free.

Hi Hermuda –

Before I say anything else, I have to say, this is one of the most beautiful, heartfelt, and poetic letters I’ve ever received.  While your story made me go outside and howl at the moon in chorus with all the lonely heartbroken souls of eternity, it was also your writing that affected me so.  I hope you’re taking your talent seriously – you could easily become a famous novelist or poet!

But you didn’t write me for literary criticism.  So let’s get on to this very difficult situation.

First of all, I’m just so sorry.  I know, it’s very very hard to move on after a breakup.  Especially with a truly special love like this, who just gets into your mind and heart, and haunts you like a ghost.

It’s great that you have good, loyal, and imaginative friends.  And I’m not the one to tell you to disregard any of their specific advice:  Date other guys, or avoid all guys, or take a vacation, or dye your hair a new color…  I can’t tell you that any of these are right or wrong.  I don’t even disagree with your staying friends with him, unless it’s hurting you too much.

The fact is – you just have to get through this time.

What you’re experiencing is actually the Continue reading

0 What to do if a boy hits a girl in fun

prettyndsweet12 asks: I recently had an encounter with a boy slapping me in the face. I did hit him back and just assumed he was just playing. I told my mom about only to find out that she told my grandma and my dad. I told my mom as a way to bond with her and let her know I’m trying to be more open with her and it was only supposed to between her and me. How do I explain this to my mom nicely and how do I tell my dad I don’t want to talk about it with him?

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

You’re dealing here with two problems.  One is with your actual relationship with the boy.  The other is about how different people see certain actions.

With the boy, it sounds like you’re feeling okay about what happened.  I’ll allow that, though I will say that I get a bit concerned about a boy who thinks it’s “just playing” to hit a girl.  When I play with other dogs, it’s very rough, as you can probably guess.   But we have some very specific rules.  One is that if one of us yelps, the other pulls back right away.  Another is that, if one of our humans tells us to stop, we have to stop (at least for a second!).  The problem I’m having is that most boys have a similar rule, to never hit a girl.  So the fact that he slapped you, even in play, means he’s playing by a different set of rules.  And I don’t know what they are.  I certainly don’t want to see a wonderful girl like you in a relationship where it’s considered “okay” for you two to be hitting each other (eventually it wouldn’t be fair to you, just by the nature of the way boys’ arms and shoulders are built).  So I’d really like you to feel like you could talk to him about it – maybe to say “That was okay, and I made it even, but don’t ever hit me again – it won’t be okay next time.”  Something like that.  If you do that, and he respects what you say, all is fine.  (And if he doesn’t, I hereby give you the right to get your friends together to pound him!)

Now, about your parents:  It’s impossible for a kid or a dog to understand the way our Continue reading

0 How loss affects one’s work

Salvatore asks: The first time I wrote you was when I was depressed because of my father’s death. I had the fear that my mom would die too, like my father, but you said that she might live long… your letters were a great satisfaction to me. The problem is this that my mom has died too. After her death it seems to me that the world has stopped, as if life has lost its meanings. Following are the thoughts and problems that have overpowered me: I can’t perform well in studies; I am unable to form concepts; At times I feel too giddy; My mathematics isn’t good; I have nothing that can distinguish me from other people; I overthink the things; I can’t understand how people laugh and talk about silly and useless things. All of this leads me to only one conclusion: ”I CAN’T BECOME A DOCTOR!” I have always wanted to be one. For that I have to get at least 90 percent marks in FSc part 1 and 2. I burnt the midnight oil in part 1, but I got only 84 percent marks because of the totally unfair marking by examiner – and I’m not allowed to challenge him in a court of law. I am really depressed. I am having trouble sleeping, and nightmares. I need a solution!

Hi Salvatore –

Salvatore, you absolutely break my heart.

There are no words I can offer, no licks, no paw, no howling at the moon, that remotely tell how sad I am that you have gone through this second devastating loss so soon.  It’s not fair.  Not in any way.  And if there was something I could do to bring your mother back, I’d do it in a second.  But of course I can’t.  All I can do is look at you with the biggest dog-eyes I can and let you know, I am SO sorry.

I certainly understand your wish to do better in school, and I hope you can.  But I need to tell you, it’s very possible that these two losses have just been too much, and you might not get the best grades right now.  And if so, I have a number of things to say to you.

First, you’re young.  You can take these exams again.  Especially given the reason you can tell the testers about why you were “off” when you took these.  You just might need more time, before you can relax and concentrate enough for them.

Second, the things you tell me about your feelings make me think that you’re still in a state of shock.  This will pass.  You will be affected by these losses forever, of course, but you will survive them.  People do every day.  And you will get stronger.

Third, there’s a thing the great people in Continue reading

0 How to feel comfortable in different environments

Buendia asks: I’m very shy. I know I can talk with people at school and everything but I don’t know what I would do if I saw them outside of school. Let’s say I meet an acquaintance; what do I do? Do I talk with them or not? Do I completely avoid them or try to hide from them? Or what if I see my classmates outside? I would hate them seeing me. This fear of mine has made me come to such a point that I am scared of going out from my house. I am only comfortable going out with my parents and my close friends, (about 6 people). And another thing, I feel embarrassed about being seen with my brother. Like take today for instance, he wanted to go outside and it’s a beautiful day but want I don’t to go outside cause he dresses so loud. I always wanted to be not this person. Hanging out with people judging their looks. But unfortunately I am. I am no racist but I only hang out with people who have a good dressing sense, like my closest friends. So my questions are: What is this problem I have? How do I cure it, and is this just social anxiety? I am sick of living in fear of seeing people I sort of know outside and them seeing me, especially if they are in a group.

Hi Buendia –

I can only guess as to what’s really going on with you, but here are my top three guesses:

1)    A famous US president once said “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”  Most likely, this is your situation.  You meet up with people in a place that isn’t normal for you (“normal” in the sense that you always see them at school), and you wonder what you should say.  Then that makes you worry that maybe you’d say the wrong thing.  Then that makes you worry that you aren’t saying enough.  And that makes you worry that you might look wrong.  And that makes you worry… and on and on.  So the only thing that is truly worthy of your worrying about is all your crazy worrying!  If this is the case, my advice is to Continue reading

0 When people think what you like is weird

McKenna asks: My friends and my family always make fun of anything I like because I like stuff that almost no one else does. I know that I should not care what anyone else thinks, but it hurts when they make fun of the things I like. Also my mom always thinks that I’m too old for this stuff, so she won’t let me get anything I like because she thinks its dumb. How am I supposed to ignore them when it’s all I can think about?

Hi McKenna –

This world would be a lot easier and more fun if everyone would just accept that not everyone likes the same things, and that that’s okay (as long as no one’s being hurt or taken advantage of).

I deal with this all the time.  Handsome thinks about 99% of what I like is just fine.  He loves watching me run, he loves feeding me dinner and treats, he loves that I love him and other people.  But when I smell some really fragrant cat poop and find it delightful to roll in and eat, he’s downright intolerant!  He washes me off with soap, and makes me sleep outside till my breath goes back to normal!  Really, he’s my favorite person in the world, but at moments like that, he’s kind of a jerk!

At the same time, believe it or not, Handsome has had a number of friends (and especially girlfriends – you know, the sort of friends where they hug and kiss and all that?) who have serious problems with how much he likes me!  “What’s the big deal?  She’s just a dog!”  “What’s wrong with you, are you in love with that dirty mutt?”  “You don’t let it near food, do you?”  People are just funny that way!

The problem for you is, like Handsome’s problems with his friends and girlfriends, you can’t just ignore them.  Here’s something you really like, and here’s someone who’s super-important in your life (even your mom!) saying that you shouldn’t like it.  That’s completely crazy-making!

So, to answer your question… You Continue reading

0 Should friends become boyfriend and girlfriend because one of them says they should?

Howling wolves asks: I have a friend that I like, and he likes me. But my mom had a long talk with the two of us and said that she’s fine with us hanging out and liking each other, but she said that I’m NOT allowed to have a boyfriend. I’m ok with it, but lately that friend keeps telling me that we NEED to be boyfriend and girlfriend to be together, and that he doesn’t want to be just friends anymore. I can’t disobey my mother, so what should I do?

Hi Howling wolves –

One of the toughest, and most important, things about growing up is developing a sense of your self-worth.  We dogs tend to have it pretty easily, unless it’s beaten out of us (which happens more often than I’d like to admit).  But you humans, with your giant brains, have a tougher task at hand.

You see, when you’re children, normally you defer to adults’ opinions on everything – and that’s good.  You want to cross a busy street alone, your mother tells you you aren’t ready to do that yet, and while your ego says “Sure I am!” you develop a sense that she might know something you don’t, and so you don’t walk out there (and, by making that decision, you live another day!).

Then you get a little older, and start school, and the same thing happens with the other kids.  You want to wear your Hello Kitty t-shirt to school because you love it, but the kids in your class think Hello Kitty is kind of “last year,” and, although it’s your favorite shirt, you learn to choose the clothes that will help you fit in more.  And again, this is totally okay (as long as you don’t throw the shirt out – since fashions change!).

But then you get a little older, and find yourself in just the situation you’re Continue reading

0 What to do when you want both to get away and to stay home

Wooff asks: I am 15. Recently I have had this feeling of having a fresh start in my life. I have a great life. I am a good student, a good person and I have friends. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. But I just want to go away to some place else where nobody absolutely knows me. So I can reinvent myself. I always wanted to stay in one place and now that I have, I just want to leave. And I’m trying to disconnect with my friends, especially my best friends. I always try to be positive about everything, but there’s always this new start thing with me. My family used to move a lot and I wasn’t a big fan of that, but now we don’t. I feel like I’m lost. I haven’t told anyone about this, not even my best friends. I have googled about this matter but there is no answer to this. I know I’m not the only person who is going through this but I don’t know what to do. I laugh a lot and have fun but yet I have this feeling of being lost. And I sleep a lot. What should I do about this matter?

Hi Wooff –

I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that what you’re experiencing is normal and universal. The bad news is that what you’re experiencing is… normal and universal!

Fifteen is a tough age for everyone. Every human that age feels that mixture of excitement and lostness. Every person feels the need to be able to count on the things they need, and at the same time, the need to be free and run away and embrace the world. There is nothing wrong with you at all. But there’s also no perfect solution to the enormous frustration you’re experiencing!

Some might tell you this is a recent phenomenon. Well, if so, I guess they’ve never seen or read Continue reading

0 How to find out how someone feels about you if you only chat online

Wolfy asks: This boy and I have known each other for the past three years. We have been video chatting every day since before summer started, and in that time I have grown to like him. Like, like liking him, but I think he likes me too. He is funny and nice and I can always count on him. I like watching him play this game/ website (he can show me his screen on video chat) and if I suggest it no matter what he is doing (whether he is playing minecraft or pokemon or whatever) he will “get bored” with what he is playing right then and play that game. My computer automatically shows me as available and on that second it comes on he messages me. EVERY DAY WE VIDEO CHAT! He is on online school now, and when I was sick at home he messaged me while he was working. He also helped me through a tough time when my brother got something I should have had. Nothing is wrong when I talk to him – but when I think about the fact that I like him I can’t talk (and I can talk a person to death, my mother says!). I told my friend about it, and she told him, right when he and I were video chatting at that point and he was sharing screens – and they said: She: Wolfy likes you. You should ask her out. He: No thanx. She: she thinks you’re funny. He: No. She : She thinks you are hot. (That last line I never told her by the way but she is known to prank us with relationships so he may not believe – plus I did not back it up and said that is not right) What’s your advice?

Hi Wolfy –

So this seems to be the same sort of question I get a lot, of the “I’m shy, so how can I tell if he likes me” flavor. But with a twist – your contact is all on video chat!

But really, it’s all the same issues as usual. We’re dealing with two problems: first, that you get so nervous about liking him that you can’t talk (which I have to say, even from a dog’s point of view, is really cute and adorable!). And second, that we don’t have any idea what he’s feeling.

Could it be that he just isn’t into girls yet (or just isn’t ever going to be)?

Could it be that he sees you only as a friend, and doesn’t want to change that?

Could it be that he’s interested in another girl?

And could it be that he does like you the way you like him, but doesn’t Continue reading

0 How to make friends after you’ve given up

arjai101 asks: I just moved back to America two months ago. And, I’m having a really hard time. I miss my friends, and I’m okay with that. However, everyday I grow more and more lonely and it is just the most awful feeling. I hate my school, and the teachers don’t want to be bothered with me. No matter how hard I try to make friends and reach out to people, people just push me away. I’ve tried everything. I have joined clubs and I even have tried with some of the people at my church (Which is desperate because I hate going to church). I spend most of my time by myself and this is beginning to change me. I hardly talk anymore, and I’m usually a very outgoing person. I hate doing any of my hobbies, which is very bad since that’s usually what people do when they’re alone. I’m extremely frustrated with the situation and every time I think about it I want to cry. Believe me when I say I’ve tried everything. I have even seen a therapist TWICE. Nobody understands and they all blame it on me. They have no idea what I’ve tried and how it makes me feel. The therapist doesn’t give advice, all she does is analyze the situation. I need instructions. I can’t do this any longer. It’s affecting my attention span, I can’t read or write for more than a few sentences. It’s to the point where I have to go on a chat room anonymously and find people to talk to. (Except, they all want pictures and its rather disturbing.) In conclusion, I feel like there is no escape and the worst part about it is that IT’S MY LIFE NOW! I CANT ESCAPE IT! What’s wrong with me or them? What should I do?

Hi arjai101 –

What you’re going through sounds, regrettably, very normal. Most teens go through a time like this, where they feel alienated from everyone, and it’s devastatingly lonely. I have a few suggestions for you, but the most important one is to know that this WILL PASS. If you’ve ever had a dog, you’ll know that whenever our humans leave us at home alone, we’re miserable about it. We might freak out and tear stuff up, or we might just sit around glumly… but when the people come home, we’re overjoyed and go absolutely nuts over them. Well, just like us, when you’re in a mindset like this, it feels like it’ll last forever and there’s nothing you can do. So that’s why I say, again, trust that it WILL PASS. I just can’t say when, just as you can’t tell a dog exactly when their humans will come home. I just know it’ll happen.

But meanwhile… YUCCH!!! This just STINKS!! It’s very hard to move countries and start a new school. Handsome has a friend who did that when she was in third grade, and she was so outcast in her classroom that, on Valentine’s Day, when all the boys and girls gave all their classmates cards, she didn’t get a single one! (I do love kids, but sometimes they can be very short-sighted, or even mean, as I’m sure you know. The important part, though, is that before long, she made lots of friends and became very popular. It just took time.)

So what can you do? Well, reaching out to others is a great idea, even if it hasn’t worked yet. Some of those kids already have the friendships they want, and aren’t looking for other pals just now, so you need to keep trying till you find the other kids. They’re always there, just harder to find.

I find the best thing to do at a Continue reading

0 How to respond to insults from friends

four cats asks: Most of the time my friends tease me and joke me and I always go low on my personality; then actually they start to bite me! So can you please give me a way to put them down when they start to put me down?

Hi four cats –
Wow, I am used to people using verbal put-downs of their friends, and I’m used to us pups biting each other for fun, but I have never heard of anyone doing both!  Your friends must like you a lot!

You asked me for ways to put them down, and I’d be glad to help with that, but I’d have to know exactly what they were saying, so I could come up with funny responses.  But I think there’s a much bigger question: Do you want to have funny comebacks to these friends, or do you want them to leave you alone?

If it’s the latter, then your best response is to not let them see how their comments affect you, to just roll your eyes or say “wow that’s the best you got?” or something like that, and then walk away.  People who give put-downs, whether in affectionate fun or out of bullying meanness, do so to feel powerful and good about themselves.  So if you act in a way that they can’t get that feeling, they’ll find someone else to pick on.

But if you are asking how to keep them as friends but just get better at comebacks, I do have one really odd Continue reading