Category Archives for "Family"

0 How to set up boundaries with harmful people.

Helen asks: Your Pawprint article about your friend Rob really hit close to home. My mother also suffers from Depression. She does take her medicine, but it doesn’t seem to make her any happier or more peaceful. She is always aggravated and says some very hurtful things, so I haven’t talked to her in a very long time (It will be a year in November). It makes me sad that she missed out on some very important times in my life, like my first play, but when she IS in my life she makes me sad and stressed. Sometimes I worry that she will do the same thing as Rob because I won’t be around to help her. When can I say, “I gave it my all,” and not feel in my heart that she will ever make more of an effort to not hurt me? And is it selfish to make such a decision? Is it like giving up on her? I’m sorry about your loss of a good friend.

Hi Helen –

This is a terribly difficult situation.  The only way I can deal with it is to divide it into two parts.  The first is to discuss how we deal with people we care about who hurt us.

It happens to everyone.  Maybe your best friend betrays you, maybe your boyfriend, girlfriend, or even husband or wife cheats on you, maybe you find out someone’s been saying awful things about you behind your back.  Or maybe it’s all out in the open and a close friend yells horrible things at you or sends you hateful Continue reading

2 How to deal with parents fighting

Chupa Chup asks: I am 11 years old. My 7 year old sister told me that my mum and dad were fighting one night because both of them wanted the phone, and my mum got the phone and accidently banged it into the side of my dad’s head and my dad got knocked out, and my mum went to jail to explain what happened to the police officers because my dad was in the hospital. When my sister told me this, I burst into tears. I have been really stressed lately because of this, and because I had a huge fight with my friends (who are not my friends anymore because they’re always mean to me and they always speak over me when I try to say something). I just need to be in a quiet place where I can scream as loud as I want to, sort of like heaven.

Hi Chupa Chup –

Wow, you are going through a really really rough time.  It is totally normal that, after hearing what you heard about your parents, you would feel very alone and friendless.  There’s a really good chance your friends aren’t being terrible, but just don’t know how to respond to what you’re going through.  But either way, this stuff you’re experiencing is just awful.

If you’ve looked around this website much, you’ll have seen that I often give advice to my Pack friends, but then suggest that they might want to talk to a therapist or counselor about what they’re dealing with.  For you, Chupa Chup, I’m insisting:  you need to Continue reading

6 What to do when you have your first period.

Breanna asks: I’m 9 and I have had my first period, and I don’t know what to do.

Hi Breanna –

Well I think the first thing to say is Congratulations.  (I never went through one; I had an operation when I was six months old that kept me from having puppies or developing in the way you have, so I’m impressed!)  This is a big event for a young girl, and it’s totally normal for it to be a little scary.  So I’m really glad you wrote me about it.

But the first thing to know is – there is absolutely nothing to be scared about!  This is part of growing up, and while people don’t talk about it a lot in public, it’s absolutely normal.

The second thing, though, is that, because this is so important, it’s absolutely necessary that you talk to an adult about it.  Do you have a good relationship with your mother or another female caregiver, so that you could tell her?  Or maybe a teacher or nurse at school?  That’d be the best first thing to do.  Then, you should definitely see a doctor, just to make sure everything is working as it should.

But once you’ve done those, you’re basically in the clear.  Of course you’ll have to deal with it every month, but that’s just like nearly every other woman.  Wait, what’s that word I just said?  Yes: What’s big and exciting is that this is really the beginning of you becoming a woman!

So what’s important, just as important as getting checked out by a doctor, is that you begin to deal with what becoming a woman means.  Your body will have lots of other changes soon, and you’ll get looked at in different ways.  So it’s your job to do two things from now on:  To hold on to what makes you a great kid, and to start to think about the sort of woman you want to become.

This is your experience, Breanna.  And while it makes sense that you don’t want to go around talking about it with everyone, it really does make you part of the world community.  So be proud and enjoy it.
But please, please, do talk to some adults and see a doctor.  Just to make sure you’re okay!

Thanks, and again, Congratulations!

0 How to make sure your daughter behaves on her prom night.

Pearly asks: How do I ensure my teenage daughter doesn’t misbehave on prom night?

Hi Pearly –

Well, the easy and awful answer is: You can’t.  But the news isn’t as bad as that sounds.

My point is that your daughter is the person she is, the person you’ve raised.  By the time one is ready for a prom, boy or girl, they’ve developed a moral code, and have a sense of themselves.  Now in your mind, she’ll always be your baby girl, irresponsible and unable to take care of herself.  But imagine you just met her this year.  What opinion would you have of her then?  Is she a complete troublemaker?  Does she care about others?  Does she eat, drink, sniff, or smoke all sort of illegal things?  Does she respect herself and have some boundaries when she’s around her peers?

Well, the fact is, Prom Night does seem important (Handsome says he has lovely memories of his), but the truth is – it’s just another night.  She won’t be a different person that night than she was the night before, or the night after.  Now does that mean she might not want to do some things she hasn’t done before?  No it doesn’t.

And that’s where you come in.

Sometime before Prom night, get some time alone with her.  I don’t mean to walk into her room and interrupt a phone call to lecture her – I mean take her out to lunch or dinner, somewhere she loves.  Just the two of you.  And tell her how proud you are of what she’s accomplished in her life.  And ask her if there’s anything she wants to ask you about your prom night (if she doesn’t ask, that’s fine, it might be more than she wants to know just now).  And tell her, most importantly, that it will be a beautiful night for her no matter what, that she’ll look great, and have a lot of fun.  And that she’s in charge of what she does, or doesn’t do.  And that anything she doesn’t want to do, she’ll be able to do at another time.

And if you want to be really great, you can also throw an offer her way: that if she’s in a situation at any time when she’s uncomfortable, that she can call you and you’ll come right out to her.  It’s not impossible that she could be with kids who are drinking and driving, or some other activity that scares her, and it’d be great for her to know you’re there.

But my main message to you is, just as I was the same dog before and after I graduated from Obedience School, your daughter is your daughter.  There’s still lots you can teach her and help her with, but if she’s a good person today, she’ll be a good person that night.

And truly, the best message you can give her is that you’re proud of all she’s done.  That’ll do more to keep her “in line” than any negative warnings you could ever say!

Here’s a wish: that she and her date both spend the evening proud that she’s the most beautiful creature alive!

Your Friend,

Shirelle

4 Do mothers love their children when they do wrong things.

Ashram asks: Do mothers love their children even if they do wrong things?

Oh Ashram, I can only imagine the responses mothers must be screaming when they read your question! But the answer is pretty simple, really.

There are different kinds of love we feel. You can love some things about someone and hate or fear other things about them at the same time. You can get so mad at someone that you don’t even like them at all, but still love Continue reading

0 How to teach young children manners.

Jass asks: How can we teach 4-5 year-olds about manners?

Learning Manners is something I know a lot about, Jass. Like most puppies, I was very excitable and misbehaved a lot. So I’ve experienced Handsome teaching me right and wrong ways. Here’s what I can tell you:

1) The most important thing by far is what you do. I see grownups all the time who eat every meal in front of a TV, they use bad words all the time, and they ignore what others want. Then they’re shocked when their kids Continue reading

0 How to handle an overprotective parent

Ioanna asks: My father lives in another country, because his job is there. So I live with my mother and my brother who is 2 years younger than me (I am 15 and he is 12). I don’t know how to make my mother trust me. Things my brother does now I couldn’t do two years ago — and not even now! When I go out with my friends, my mother asks about every single thing! Please help me!

Dear Ioanna:

The best and worst thing about me as an Advice-Giver is that I’m not a person. What I know about people is what I see by standing on the outside – watching neighbors walk by talking from my window, listening to phone conversations as I try to sleep, or staring attentively at Handsome’s dinner parties, paying a little attention to how the people deal with each other while I pay a lot more to any possibility of food falling onto the floor! (You know, spaghetti is especially good at falling off forks!)

So when I get a question like yours, I tend to answer in very broad terms, as if all families and mothers and daughters are alike. And of course they’re not! So please forgive me if I make a guess here, and it’s totally wrong!

Having said that, your problem is very common. You’re dealing with two typical human patterns.

First, when parents get their first baby, they really don’t know what they’re Continue reading

0 How to Support the Younger Generation to Shape Their Future

Fabeenajeeb asks: In what way we can support our younger generation to shape their future?

Ah, Fabeenajeeb, you are a human after my own heart! This whole website is devoted to just that! All I’m here for is to support the younger generation (of humans!) to shape their future. So if you ask what you can do to help that, my first answer is: tell them to join and read AskShirelle.com!

But what else can you do? Wow, there are thousands of things. But here are a few off the top of my furry head:

1) Provide a Full Education. Kids notoriously avoid doing their schoolwork… until they find something that really interests Continue reading

0 How kids can resolve the generation gap

Tanni asks: What should children do to reduce the generation gap between adults and children?

That’s a fascinating question. Lots of our readers probably don’t know the term “Generation Gap.” It showed up in America in the 1960s when people noticed that parents and kids were disagreeing about way more things than ever before. Of course there’d always been disagreement about things like homework and chores, but now the young people were listening to music their parents couldn’t Continue reading

0 Advice for teenagers who feel they don’t fit in at school

Ashley asks: Do you have any advice for teenagers who have trouble fitting in at school?

Hi Ashley. I have tons and tons of advice for teenagers who have trouble fitting in at school. In fact (and I know this sounds crazy), every word I’ve ever written to teenagers is for ones who have just that trouble. Because every teenager has trouble fitting in at school!
I know, it’s hard to believe! What about the head cheerleader, or the football quarterback, or the kids who do all the plays, or the straight-A students, or just those ones you always see walking together and laughing? Crazy as it sounds, every one of those kids feels like an Continue reading