Category Archives for "Family"

0 How to deal with a sibling with abnormalities

Shefar asks: Hey, Shirelle! I have asked you a question before, so I won’t tell you about me again, but there is one thing you don’t know… I have a sister and she’s abnormal. I mean she’s not crazy, just that not normal like us. But she likes to win everything. She’s older than me, but things have to be fair, right? I mean now I fight with her and I am the one who always got blamed! She starts it and I am the one that’s got to be blamed! My parents really care about her cause she’s not “normal” and they always make me give up the fight… So can you give me any advice to put a stop to this fighting and always losing stuff?! I know it’s kinda complicated but I’ve only got you to tell me what to do.

Hi Shefar –

It would be easier for me to give you a specific answer if I knew what exactly your sister’s Abnormality was.  The way you describe it, though, it sounds like she has some sort of developmental delay, or perhaps some level of Autism.   If so, your frustration is VERY normal, in fact unavoidable.  I’ve known lots of kids in your situation, and it’s never easy.  I will give you some advice, but first I want to give you the good news:  growing up in this situation is going to make you a really great person, and others will be able to see it.

Meanwhile, though, it’s not Continue reading

1 Why teenagers should be given more freedom

Aly asks: Why should teenagers be given more freedom in social life?

Hi Aly –

My quick answer is “Because if they’re not given it, they’ll take it!”

But more importantly, they’ll take their freedom without your wisdom.

It’s like dogfood.  See, Handsome tends to make and eat food that’s a lot more interesting to me than my regular dog food.  But I know I’m not allowed to grab his food off the counter or the table.  And because I’m eating enough of my own food, I can handle the rules, and just hope he’ll give me some scraps when he’s done.  But if he didn’t feed me my own food, and I was really starving, I’d grab every bit of his Continue reading

0 How to help teenagers get enough sleep

Judesaleh asks: Is it ok for my 12-year-old daughter to sleep over at my mum’s just because she doesn’t want anyone to tell her when to sleep and she likes to stay up sooo late? I can’t have any privacy when she is around. Knowing that my mum lives alone, and this is only during the summer vacation, what can I do to make her sleep earlier?

Hi Judesaleh –

Thanks for writing me.  I’m a bit confused by your question, though.  It sounds like you’re asking if it’s okay for your 12-year-old to sleep at your mother’s home (If it’s a safe place and they both enjoy it, then I’d say absolutely!  Grandparents are one of my favorite things, and I think there’s nothing better for a kid than to spend time getting to know them).  But it also sounds like you’re asking how to get your 12-year-old to go to bed earlier when she’s staying with you.

That’s a very common and difficult problem.  When children are young, most of them are “early folk,” going to bed early and then waking up well before their parents are ready to get out of bed, eager to greet the new day.  But when kids hit the beginnings of Continue reading

0 How to stop sibling rivalry when they’re ages apart.

spikie asks: how do I get my 16-year-old daughter to be more loving to her 10-year-old brother?

Hi Spikie –

Of course sibling rivalry is as old as brains!  I fought with my litter-siblings, Cain fought with Abel, JR fought with Bobby… oh it just goes on and on!  I will say, though, that usually when siblings are of different genders, and especially when they’re more than a few years apart in age, the rivalry is usually finished by the time they’re your kids’ ages.  So my first thought is…  give them a Continue reading

0 How to live with a snappy relative

amber95 asks: Hi Shirelle. I’m having family troubles at the moment with divorced parents, but my older brother of 19 is very moody and is always snappy with me. At the moment we are living separately but he will soon be moving in with me. What should I do about his behavior? Any advice?

Hi amber95 –

There is nothing more Boorrrrrrrrrrrring than living with someone snappy!  It just wears the other person down.  I know what it’s like when Handsome goes through rough times, and that gets me down.  But sometimes he’s had me have a “play date” with a dog who hates playing, and that just bites!  (And sometimes, so does the dog!)

So I’m with you.  Something needs to be done.  Now one thing I’m not sure of – will you two be living with one of your parents, or will it just be the two of you?  Either way, your job is to create some Continue reading

0 How to deal with the sudden loss of your dog

juicy asks: I lost my dog. I love him very much, but one day I arrived at my house to find he was dead and they had already taken him away. So I don’t know what to do. It was so fast that I didn’t know anything in that moment, and couldn’t believe it.

Oh Juicy, how awful!

You’re suffering from two hurts, both of which are devastating.

First of all, I’m not being conceited at all when I say that losing a dog often hurts people more than losing the people they love most.  It’s not that they love the dog more, but that there’s something so simple and pure about that love, versus the more complex relationships they have with other humans.

There are lots of things I can recommend to you.  First of all, you were right to write me about it.  Talk to others too.  This isn’t a secret, it’s a real valid pain that you have the right to have.

Second, is there some sort of Continue reading

0 How to get a parent to accept their daughter getting back with a boyfriend who’s messed up

Hounddogblues asks: Long story: My dad died of cancer when I was 12, after a 3 year struggle, leaving just me and Mum. Mum has also had cancer since, and is in remission, and I had a long stint in hospital and a year out of Uni due to a kidney problem. That being said, this drama has brought me and Mum very close together. Whilst in my last year of Uni, I met my boyfriend, who is 7 years my senior. Mum didn’t really approve from day one (but no boy is ever good enough). I finally told her we were together, but within a week he had a breakdown and we argued. He left me with a mark on my neck after throwing my belongings (clothes) at me to pack and leave. I ran and made a fuss to my mum. A month later, he apologized and said he was seeking help through his Job in the army. I accepted that it was a breakdown and that he has totally changed. I’ve been back with him for 4 months, and he is perfect, better than ever. We want to get serious, but due to financial reasons I have had to move home. Mum does not know about our relationship, and I am scared to lose her or him. But if I don’t do something soon, I feel I’ll go mad myself. How do I break this to my mum without losing either of them? Getting help isn’t really an option as my mum refuses to see psychologists (I tried when she was grieving for dad). My boyfriend intends to speak to her alone and apologize, but she is stubborn and I know she won’t accept his apology.

Wow, this is a lot!  Living through all that would even give this hound dog the blues, Hounddogblues!

I guess the first thing to say is that I really respect your boyfriend for seeking and getting help.  So many people are torn between guilt, pride, and shame, and refuse to do that.  But I do hope you’ve been able to give him a sort of ultimatum too, along the lines of “I love you and am so glad you’re back, but if you do that again I’ll leave you that second.”  Your safety is my first concern.

But assuming that things are as good as you’re saying, then yes, you and your mother have some work to do.

You know, I love that you mention that, in her eyes, no man is ever good enough for Continue reading

0 When family members aren’t speaking

Erika asks: My sister had a big misunderstanding with her daughter (who is suffering from anxiety disorder). It has been two whole weeks that they haven’t talked to each other. My sister thinks that my niece has to make the first move, as she is younger, but it seems that my niece has no plans of doing so, as she is still hurting. What should my sister do, especially since her daughter’s birthday is fast approaching? Should she make the first move or not?

Hi Erika –

What a good sister and aunt you are, to take this on.  They’re lucky to have you.

I have a bit of a problem in not knowing how old your niece is.  I’d see different issues if she was eight, eighteen, or twenty-eight.

But not knowing, I can still speak on a few issues.  Firstly, your sister might be working to train her anxious daughter to face her fears and difficulties.  And if so, it’ll help if you support her in this.  But that support might include telling her if you think she’s doing part of it the wrong Continue reading

5 Why is a baby’s birth considered a miracle?

Angelbrat asks: Why is the birth of a baby considered as a miracle?

Hi Angelbrat –

That’s a lovely question.  What I especially like about it is that it gets me a chance to expound on something I think is really important.  Which is Miracles.

You see, when you really think about it, all a Miracle is just something that you didn’t really think was possible before.  Miracles happen every day – but once they happen, they’re not seen as Continue reading

0 How to get a teenager to open up and be a parent’s best friend

Erika asks: How do I encourage my 13-year-old son to open up to me and consider me as his best friend?

Hi Erika –

What a great question this is!  I assumed I’d already answered it on this website, and I haven’t!  So thanks!

Okay, your question has two parts, and I need to deal with them separately.  First, how can you get your son to open up to you.

What I don’t know is whether he used to open up to you or not.  It’s very normal for kids around 13 years of age to stop being as open with their parents as they used to be.  There’s nothing wrong with this, it’s just the normal development of teenagers as they start pulling away from their parental ties, building stronger ties with peers, and putting more effort into self-definition.  In fact, it’s overall a good thing that a kid of that age isn’t too open with his parents.  But of course, you do want him to feel able to talk about anything he wants to discuss with you.

The best way to achieve that is to change the way you Continue reading