Category Archives for "Family"

0 How to get people to give you more alone time

southpole4 asks: For my past well life I have gone through so many terrible things, I was bullied, skinny, weak, and someone I loved passed away last year. It has been really hard. I enjoy being alone and having my own privacy, my brother doesn’t understand that (he’s my twin) he enjoys being with someone at all time, and ya, sometimes we need company but I like to just be alone. Also my parents don’t understand that connecting with my friends is through social media, they have me logged in into their iPad and whenever my friends say a bad word on a group chat my parents say that they’re going to take away my phone….. I just want my own space to think and be who I am. I don’t know what to do any more.

Hi southpole4 –

I hope things have improved since you wrote me, but I know that your general question, about needing space and time to be alone, is one that goes on and on.

I really can’t explain to you why other people have such trouble understanding this. Now I’ve been guilty of it myself – especially as a puppy, I liked jumping on everyone and trying to play with them, with no awareness that sometimes they just wanted to be let be. But as I’ve grown older, I often feel that way myself. You’ve probably heard the old line “Let sleeping dogs lie.” That’s because people always want to come wake us up or pet us or play with us or whatever. And honestly, a lot of the time, I’m happy to wake up to a friend. But other times, I’m just happy dreaming about chasing dinosaurs, and want to remain that way.

It’s got to be especially tough when you have a twin who loves socializing as much as you love solitude. I’m sure it makes it even harder to convince people that nothing’s wrong with you when you go into your room and shut the door.

The best you can do, I’m afraid, is to Continue reading

0 How to help your spouse when their family has drama

percy asks: It’s been about 23 years since my sister-in-law filed court legal action against her two sisters due to a house sharing financial issue. During those hardship passing years, my disowned sis in-law only contacted me in which I pleaded with her to contact her family, which she refused to do so. When my wife tried to speak to her on the phone, sis in-law hanged up immediately. I had enough and told her not to call us anymore. Now, recently my sis in-law made contact with her mother. Fine, but… she refuse to apologize to her sisters. My wife wants to invite her to our family Xmas gathering as a let bygones be bygones or forgive and forget, which I believe is a big mistake. Her sisters are full of hate toward her. One of her sisters got a divorce because of that issue. It could turn nasty and could end up deadly. Those stories about family member killing family member at holiday gatherings.

Hi percy –

This is a tough one. While you are your wife’s husband, you’re still not a member of the original family. And they’re going to need to work out their stuff as they see best. And it will almost certainly involve some drama – you’re right!

On the other hand, this might be the only chance for these women to move on from the awful events of their past. Especially the sister who got the divorce, she probably needs a chance to speak her mind to her sister!

So as far as any advice I can give, I’d say to do what I’d do, or any other Continue reading

0 How to tell your parents you have an eating disorder

AG.Softball asks: So I’m now in 8th grade and I don’t know how to tell my parents I had an eating disorder and I’m scared it may start back. It started in 6th grade and continued until 7th grade. I was very unhappy about myself because I have hips and I don’t have a thigh gap (I still am very insecure) I was finally able to stop because I started feeling sick, having panic attacks and always having chest pains. It took me the whole summer of 2016. I hate my birthday because it’s always about my sisters or my parents fight EVERY YEAR. This year I’m already starting to have panic attacks again and I’m scared I might start not eating again or start throwing up any food that I eat. My parents say I’m the perfect child that they can always depend on and never have to worry about me. I don’t want to disappoint them. How do I tell my parents or get help? Thanks!

Hi AG.Softball –

As you clearly know, eating disorders are a huge issue with young people today. They can cause misery, illness, and even lifelong health problems or death. I’m very happy you’re asking about this, and not keeping it a total secret.

One of the most common traits of people with eating disorders is a sense of perfectionism. That you need to live up to an idealized view that some people have of you.

So let me talk to you about me. I bark loudly and annoy neighbors. I shed everywhere. I poop in public. Sometimes I throw up on my human’s bedsheets. I jump on people who don’t like dogs.

Does that sound like I’m perfect? No? Well I can tell you, my human Handsome thinks I am! He says so every day.

You see, he thinks I’m perfect because I’m Continue reading

0 How to help someone lose weight without upsetting them

MattTheBull asks: I have been with my lady for over 5 years now. I love her more than anything but I have lost attraction to her almost completely. She doesn’t make an effort in looking nice anymore, and has gained about 80-90lbs and does not make enough effort to lose it or stop gaining weight. I have sat down and spoken to her many times about it now but it is not hitting home. I’m in good shape and exercise a lot, I try to encourage her to join me but it’s not working. She would rather lay on the sofa and do nothing or if she does join in its only for 10 minutes and then she gives in. We also have a 4 year old daughter and I don’t want her being a bad influence to her. My lady now weighs in at about 230lbs. Please help me, I’m at wits end now.

Hi MattTheBull –

This is a really tough situation, and one that requires the kind of delicate footsteps I see in the squirrels running away from me over the tops of chainlink fences. One wrong step, and all your efforts collapse.

Your lady sounds to me like she’s suffering Depression. And she’s likely feeling depressed for three reasons: First, she’s exhausted (as any parent of a four-year-old tends to be). Second, she can feel that she’s not attractive to you anymore, and hasn’t been for some time. And third, because she has gained all that weight!

Now it’s very easy for you or me to say “Well here’s how to cheer yourself up – get out and get some exercise, eat better, lose that weight, and watch your man go as crazy for the sight of you as he was before!” After all, the reason I’ve never had a weight problem is because there’s nothing I enjoy more than running around in nature, burning off every bit of energy I can. (Okay, there is another reason, that Handsome feeds me healthy food and keeps it limited, but I don’t like him to be reminded that that does any good, in my hopes that he starts giving me three pizzas a day instead!)

The problem is that that will never work. She’ll hear it all as complaints about her weight, which make her feel bad about herself, which will lead her to feel even more hopeless and undesirable, and spend even more time on the couch.

So your job is to Continue reading

0 What should a depressed teenager do

Confused asks: Okay so I’ve been depressed since I was about 7. I wanted to kill myself by the time I was 8. I started cutting myself when I was 10, but I haven’t cut since I was 11. I’m so stressed and tired of everything. There are some days in which I’ll wake up wanting to die, but there are other days where I wake up thinking life is beautiful. Then there are the days that I wake up not caring if I died at any given moment. However, I’m tired of feeling like this.I want help, but I don’t want to disappoint my parents. I never talk to them about anything personal, and they get mad at me for that. I think that if I tell them that I want to go to therapy, they’ll get even more mad at me. Plus, I don’t know why I’m depressed. I have everything I could ever ask for; I have a roof over my head, food on my table, a loving family, good grades, and other positive things. I just don’t understand why I’m like this. What should I do?

Hi Confused –

I’m very glad you’re not cutting anymore.  If you start to feel a huge craving for it again, please go to the home page here and put “cutting” into the search box, and you’ll see some suggestions for ways to deal with that feeling.

Of course I don’t know your family at all, but I’m inclined to think (and hope) that you might be a little wrong about your parents.  The way you describe your situation to me, with you knowing your life is good, but feeling depressed anyway, makes me think that if you described your situation just that way to them, they probably wouldn’t get mad.  Instead, they’d want to try to figure out what’s wrong.  And getting a professional to check you out is a great way of doing that.  You might have an actual chemical imbalance, where some sort of medication could help – and if that’s the case, it would be very helpful to your life to deal with that.

But more likely, WAY more likely, you’ve just gone through some tough times. I don’t know how old you are (except that you’re over 11), but it is very normal for teenagers to go through times when they feel very depressed.  It mostly comes from the fact that everything in your life is changing – outside of you and inside of you – in ways you can’t understand or control.  And so you’re just stuck like me in a crate – unable to move forward or backward, or even get comfortable, with no sign of anything changing anytime soon.

But you also tell me that you’ve had these feelings since you were eight.  And that is too much!

So I wish I had some other suggestions, but I really only have three for right now.  The first is to do just what you’re afraid to Continue reading

0 What to do when it seems everyone’s against you

BVB Army writes: It’s been nearly a year now since I’ve sent an email, and right now I don’t know what else to do. Basically this year has been absolute crap. I don’t know where to start. In September it was OK, me and my friends were close, we went to each others houses nearly every week, we talked about anything and everything. I loved it but my mom obviously didn’t, she hates my friends and I don’t even know why; they’re the nicest people on earth! Because one of my friends has family issues, she thinks she’s a bad influence (because she does what she wants). And when I came home from school and my mom asked me if I hung out with my friends and I obviously said yes, she got really mad at me. And then her main goal was trying to stop me hanging out with my friends, so she stopped letting me go to their houses or letting them come over. I literally begged and she wouldn’t budge and that’s when my year started getting bad. I felt trapped in my house like a prisoner and I felt like I was constantly being watched in school because every time I came home my mom somehow knew who I had been with and what we were doing. It was scary and I cried so much back then. I couldn’t take it so I started sneaking out in the middle of the night to get away. It was great and they still haven’t found out about it. Then there was a 5sos concert coming up and that was the band me and my friends had in common, so my friend booked the tickets and told us the next day and it was soo awesome, but when I asked my mom if I could go, she said no and blamed my friends because she they booked the tickets and that’s not true because I’ve always wanted to got a concert but only had the guts to ask this year. Also this year I took your advice and tried talking to my mom a bit more but it always ends in tears because either I say something about something and she gives me a lecture and I get annoyed at her, or I start saying my opinions and she hates them and then we don’t talk. I hate that she brings religion up because she’s not that religious, but always brings up beliefs and stuff. I can’t stand listening to them because I’m Atheist (she doesn’t know that though; if she did I’d probably be disowned!). And the fights were regular and it was annoying. I hated fighting but I also hated backing down. Before I was quiet, but now that I actually want to be heard, no one is listening to me. She blamed my friends for the fights so I stopped hanging out with them; I just gave in to her because I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I felt like crying nearly everyday and music was my only outlet, but that got taken away from me as well, and I couldn’t talk to my friends or my mom would know, but then I stopped caring and started talking again to my friends. But they changed –especially my best friend. She’s angrier and she never talks to me anymore and it hurts because I helped her through bad times when we were in year 7 and 8, listening to her problems and supporting her, but now she doesn’t really say much and hangs out with her other friends, which I don’t mind but it hurts really badly. At one point it was all too much and I overdosed on some pills, but I told my friend and she looked online to help me and it did help. But I’ve been regretting actually staying alive because I feel like I cause problems in my home. I’ve been contemplating it again because no one cares anymore – even I don’t! In school I have not cared about anything and I’ve probably failed all of my tests and I have no motivation to go further. My mom’s always busy with her work. I hate her job – it’s stupid and it annoys me because she doesn’t even look after my two-year-old brother properly and I have to do it and I hate it (but I love my baby brother). My mom doesn’t even take interest in my work or the stuff I like; she looks down upon it. I like creative things like drawing or writing, but they’ve never seen them (except my dad who accidently read a poem I wrote, but he called it a stupid rhyme, which hurt me a lot because I pour my heart and soul in to my poems and songs, and I write them whenever I want to cut, but they’ve become darker and more insane-sounding. I don’t know what to do because I can’t feel anything and my life at home is a lie. I have to fake everything because, if I don’t, bad things will happen. I need some advice!

Oh BVB Army!

I’m very glad you wrote me, more than I can say.  But at the same time, I might make you feel bad about it because I have to tell you, my heart HURTS from reading this!  It’s like someone stuck a couple of knives into it.  This letter is so sad, and so frustrating, and so frightening.

So why am I telling you this?  Because my dear friend, you are stuck in a place where you aren’t able to realize how much you matter to others.  Your parents might be doing a rotten job of parenting right now, but I’ll bet they care more about you than even they realize.  And that friend who saved you when you took those pills?  That friend LOVES you.  And so do those other ones you sneak out to see.  You matter a LOT to them.  You’re in their hearts, just as your letter got you into mine.

And so I am sitting up and BEGGING you, BVB Army, to never ever ever try something like that overdosing again.  You have no idea how many people you have who would be devastated by it.  I mean, truly, it would be the worst experience they’ve ever known.  And they’d never get over it.

Now I’m not saying that to make you feel guilty.  I just want you to realize how, even when your parents are being complete boneheads, you matter.  In fact, their behavior only tells me about them, and not about you at all.

So I know you’ve taken my advice before about trying to speak to them, get conversations going, and you say that simply didn’t work (it even made things worse).  Okay, then I want you to do something else.  I want you to Continue reading

0 Is it okay to get an instrument and not take lessons?

Doglover101 asks: I’ve been wanting to play either the guitar or piano for a bit and have asked my mom to buy one of them or check them out in a music store. We might be going on Monday but here’s the problem… My mom would let me get one of them but always says that I’d have to go to lessons. I don’t want to play professionally or go to lessons, I want to do it for fun… But my mother won’t let me. Help?

Hi Doglover101 –

This is a tough one, and I’m on both your sides on this one. Not that you shouldn’t have fun, but… Let me try talking about it in terms of my favorite subject, dogs.

Every day, kids around the world say they want a puppy. And most parents say that’d be fine, but that they would need to do lots of chores (walking, cleaning up, grooming, training), and suddenly that bundle of loving fun sounds like a ton of work.

Then, very often, the kids agree, and the parents go to a pound or shelter or breeder or store, and get a puppy, and the whole family falls in love with the little nibbler at first sight. All is wonderful… at first. But then all those chores start having to be done – but they’re not. The puppy isn’t walked, so it messes up the house. He isn’t trained, so he chews up valuable stuff. She isn’t groomed so there’s hair everywhere… and bit by bit, instead of being what everyone loves, the puppy becomes an annoyance. The parents threaten to give little Buttonface away if the kids don’t start doing what they said, the kids forget, the parents give the pup back to where they got it, and everyone is resentful and miserable.

Now, of course I’m not comparing a wooden box with strings to a living breathing loving puppy. But often the same sort of thing happens – a guitar or piano seem so fun and cool at first, and they make all sorts of noise, and you can figure out how to play some songs you like… but then the novelty wears off. And as with any other toy or game, you lose interest in it.

But the difference between a piano and a toy is that a piano costs hundreds of times more (and a good guitar is also worth a lot).

So I definitely understand why your mom doesn’t want to spend all that money if you’re not going to devote yourself to mastering the instrument. But at the same time, how can you know you really want to put all that work in before you get a chance to have the fun with it you’re picturing?

So here’s my thought: Continue reading

0 How to handle a relative with bad manners

jeff asks: I have family in town for the holidays. Everything is going well for the most part, the usual drama. However, my sister who is 43 now does not close the door when she uses the bathroom or wash her hands when she is done. My kids ages 13 & 15 are appalled. I don’t know how to approach my sister without upsetting her. She’s been through a lot the last few years, but this issue MUST be addressed.

Hi Jeff –

I have a GREAT suggestion, but it’s probably too late – which is to get a dog.  We pups absolutely LOVE sniffing around humans when you’re making interesting smells, and your sister would most likely get pretty annoyed by us doing that, and so shut the door!

But if that’s not a possibility, I’d say that the problem here is your Continue reading

4 How to keep yourself from hoarding

Deb asks: I live with my mom (age 89, but very healthy). We have three bedrooms. One is now a den for 39 years. It used to be my sisters room before she married in 1976. The master bedroom is my mom’s (dad died 31 years ago). My room is in the middle. All my clothes are from the 99 cent store. However, in 2007 I went overboard with buying tons of clothes from the 99 cent store and I had to use the closet in the den for many of my clothes in addition to my bedroom closet and dresser draws. Then in December 2014 and January 2015 I got a hold of myself and gave away 60 bags of clothes and now I have perfect amount. All my clothes are now just in my bedroom closet and my dresser draws and I love it. However, here is what I am OCD’ing about: First let me tell you we have four closets altogether – The closet in the den, my closet, my mom’s closet and the coat closet. What I am OCD’ing about is that I will be compelled to use the other closets for my clothes when my mom is no longer here and I am the only one living in the apt. I don’t want to feel compelled to use the other closets for my clothes. I just want to keep my clothes in my bedroom closet and dresser draws forever. Keep in mind when she is no longer here I will have to give her clothes away and two out of the three closets will have nothing hanging on its rails the rails will be empty.

Hi Deb –

I’m sure some people would read this letter and say “Oh, Deb’s a hoarder!”  But speaking as a hoarder myself (of toys, old bones, and other things I don’t want anyone else touching), I fully relate.

In terms of a solution to your self-control problems, I could go with the easy ones like, “Well, move to a smaller place,” or “Put other things in those closets, like bones or dog toys!”

But I think there’s a much tougher issue here.  Which is the way you’re Continue reading

0 What to do when a parent compliments other kids.

MartyK asks: I’ve been blessed with a nice face according to society. And I was content with it. But today my mom was praising one of my friend’s good looks. To my mom, she’s perfect. I won’t lie. It hurt me. I don’t know why it did. I was insecure about myself for a long time but I was content. I know I’m good-looking but the way my mom talks about her, I don’t think she’ll ever talk about me like that. She says my friend has the potential of modeling and that she has a nice body and skin and hair and has a smart face. I just wish she’d sometimes call me pretty or talk about me like that. After all, I am her daughter. And to me, my mom’s opinion matters a lot. What is your opinion?

Hi MartyK –

Well, as you know, I don’t have a great sense of who’s good-looking or not; I just react to how I see people act. The most attractive human in the world to me, of course, is the one I call Handsome, and I don’t even know what you humans would think of his looks. I’m just crazy about everything about him, and don’t think about it past that. So as far as your looks go, if I met you I’d be absolutely thrilled – but I wouldn’t be able to tell you whether you belong on the cover of Vogue or not. Just not the way a doggy brain works.

But boy do I relate to your question! I’ll be walking along with Handsome, perfectly happy, and he’ll see some scruffy puppy with one ear sticking out, and say “That is the cutest puppy I’ve ever seen!” And I’m just heartsick! I thought I had been the cutest puppy he’d ever seen! What’s going on?!

I think there are three possibilities. And it could be one of them, or two, or all three.

First, sometimes our parents (or human companions) are a little Continue reading