Category Archives for "Family"

0 How to deal with a shame-based parent

G-face asks: I’ve had a lot of problems over the years that I’ve struggled with and gone to counseling for, and one of my biggest problems is my mom. I love her, but she’s always been a really judgmental person to me. She nit-picks on everyone and everything. It’s like if she doesn’t approve of something, she’s going to shame it until you don’t approve of it, either. And I feel like she does this with me a lot. She judges a lot of the things I say or do and acts as if they’re the stupidest things ever, and sometimes her negative comments really make me feel bad about myself. She’s also starting to see every difference of opinion as an argument, so if I say one thing wrong she starts raising her voice and defending herself. It’s come to the point where I don’t feel safe with her anymore. I can’t even have conversations with her and if she gets upset I just have to keep my mouth shut so she can have the last word. As I said earlier, I’ve gone to counseling for this before cause it got really bad at one point and I started having mental breakdowns. She even came to a couple of the sessions for group therapy, and that just made things worse. My relationship with my mother is starting to feel like a lost cause. And it’s hard because she’s really the only relationship I have right now. I just moved to a new city and I know no one, so I’ve been isolated for a while and have no one to talk to except her. I’m not really sure what to do about this situation. How to fix things with my mother, and also how to feel less isolated and lonely. Any ideas?

Hi G-Face –

This situation you’re in is awfully sad to read about, and way more common than you probably realize. I get lots of letters – from people of all ages – about situations like this.

In fact, I guess you could say that what I see as the big issue here is really the main reason I have my website.

Let me explain. I live with a wonderful human I call Handsome. I love him more than anything and think he’s absolutely brilliant (He knows how to go to a store, get let in, and come out with bags of food! I could never do that!).   But as I’ve watched him and his family and friends over the years, I’ve noticed a quality that their giant brains have that I don’t, and which I’d never want to have. It’s called Shame.

Shame is the most awful, destructive, quality I’ve ever seen. What cancer does to bodies, Shame does to souls. It tells people they’re not good enough, that they aren’t lovable, that they’re fundamentally alone – and leaves them to struggle with that pain. Even dogs who’ve been abused don’t have Shame (They might believe that they can’t trust anyone, that no one will ever love them, but their small brains don’t follow that up with a logic that says there’s something wrong with them – they’ll just believe the world is a mean place. That’s bad enough, but Shame is even worse!).

And if all that isn’t enough, Shame makes a person see the world through a Shame-lens, and hear and speak through a Shame-Language. So the way they treat the world, and the way they see even those they most love, is all about their feelings of being unwantable and unacceptable.

Sounds like the definition of Hell, doesn’t it?

Well, to me, it sure sounds like that’s the problem your mother is suffering from.

You see, people see so much of their self-worth in their children; they feel that if their kid succeeds, that means they’re good parents, but if their kid fails at something, then that must mean they’re not good enough. (This is all COMPLETELY UNTRUE, by the way – children of great parents fail at things all the time, and children of lousy parents can be great successes in all sorts of ways. But I’m talking about the way the parents judge their children and themselves).

So when your mother sees you do or say something she doesn’t love, she’s personally offended – in her mind, you’re making her look bad. (I can only imagine how crazy it would make me if every time I pooped in public, Handsome was shocked and humiliated, feeling that it was the same as if he were doing it!) And because you’re “doing” this to her, she’s very angry with you. And if you talk back to defend yourself, you’re “doing” it to her even more!

Now you and I know that you’re not actually doing anything to her at all. But she can’t see it that way.

So what should you do to Continue reading

0 How to improve a child’s memory

Join my pack asks: I have a 9-yr-old son. How can I improve his memory power, as he always forget his stuff in the school and never completes his work? He is a very active child and very talkative. Then what is the reason that he is so lazy with his school works?

Hi join my pack –

I’m going to give you the worst answer in the world, one you’re likely to hate:

Your son is right on schedule.

You say your son is active and talkative; that tells me that he’s curious and interested in things, and he doesn’t suffer from depression or some debilitating disease. But he doesn’t complete his work, and forgets things in school. Like most nine-year-old boys.

Of course, it’s easy to say, the best way for him to remember more of what he learns in school is for him to complete his work (that’s what it’s there for, after all). But the more important fact is that we remember much more of what interests us than what doesn’t.

My human friend Handsome told me a story about this. When he was just older than your son, he had to write a report about every book he read. Nothing big, just a paragraph or two. At one point, he read a 300-page book about a family raising lions. Nothing against lions, but he barely managed to come up with three sentences about it. He simply couldn’t remember any more of it than that. Then one night he read a 50-page book about horror movies – the first time he’d ever seen a book about these flicks he loved so much. And it excited him so much, he wasn’t able to fit his report into the teacher’s form – he needed three pages to write it up! In fact, I’ll bet if you asked him about it a month after he read it, he could have easily told you a hundred facts he learned from it.

So your son needs one simple thing – to Continue reading

0 How a teen can best deal with their parents’ divorce

paytay143 asks: I’m 18, and about to be a sophomore in college. And I don’t even know where to begin. I came to you once for advice about an issue with my boyfriend and it really helped so much. So now I’m here again. But this time, the issue I’m having revolves around my parents. You see, my parents are in the middle of a very nasty and ugly divorce. It started really in the fall of last year. So not exactly great timing for me, as things between my parents escalated right as I was starting my first year of college. You see my dad is somewhat of a functioning emotionally abusive alcoholic. And he has never once treated my mother the way she deserves to be treated. I could go on and on about how horrible it was to be around him most of the time, but to sum it up, being at my house, it was like walking on eggshells around him. Even the slightest thing would set him off. Then he’d scream and yell and blame us and then go out and get wasted with his friends. Then he’d come home and just be awful to all of us. My mom has tried to leave him TWICE. But stayed with him for the sake of my sister and I. Well eventually sometime this past December, my dad moved out. Things were great at my house. My mom, my sister and I were all getting along awesome and everything was great. We were like our own cute little sorority house. Then dad started getting nasty and saying awful things to our friends and family about my mom. He called her horrible names and even said he wished she was dead. When my sister and I confronted him about this, he denied everything. And things kept getting uglier and uglier. At this point, this whole ordeal is a rollercoaster. Some days are fine and everyone is civil. And some days my father is just an awful person and says horrible things and then tries to manipulate us into thinking he’s a victim and that everything is my mom’s fault. At this point I just want this all to be over. I’m just waiting for the day that this divorce is final, but my father is doing everything in his power to prolong the ordeal. And now he is threatening to push the sale of our house. Yep. My father is basically trying to kick my mom, my little sister and I out of our own home. And apparently there’s a 50/50 chance that he’ll get away with it. He has constantly ruined so many things for me. He ruined my first year of college, he scarred a good part of my childhood because he was drunk for a good 75% of it, and now he’s trying to take my home away. And I can’t help but feel like this divorce is my fault. That me going to college, and working so much, and having a boyfriend and not being around so much, created problems. It wasn’t always bad around my home, ya know? Sure there were bad days, but my dad had a lot of good days too. He’s a goofball and he made us laugh and he loved to be outdoors and do something cool. But in this case, that little amount of good wasn’t enough. And I can’t help but feel like I’m to blame sometimes. Like I could have done more to help. And throughout this whole year I have let so much guilt and anger and sadness consume me and I really sucked at my first year of college. I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed everyone around me; my mom, my dad, my sister, my boyfriend, my friends, my family. And I feel like I’m not good enough for them and that I don’t deserve any of them. And I have never felt more useless, pathetic, and alone. I have no idea how to make things better for myself. I have no idea even if things will ever get better. I had an enormous breakdown last night and I needed someone to talk to and no one was around. I felt all of these crazy thoughts and feelings and I even almost called a suicide hotline but didn’t because I felt pathetic. I am so lost and I don’t even know what to do to move forward. I’m not even sure if you can help me, but I just need someone to tell me something that isn’t just “oh don’t worry everything will be okay.” And I guess that’s it. I could go on and on but I’d probably just be repeating myself.

Hi paytay143 –

So first of all, I want you to look at a post I have on the AskShirelle website, about when divorces are the kids’ fault.  It was submitted by MyrnaFan1.  Please read it first.

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Okay.  Did you cheat and keep reading?

Well, if you did, here’s the answer:   NEVER.  It is literally impossible for a divorce to be the child’s fault.

Especially with the situation your parents are in. In fact, you’ve even been told by your mother that she tried to leave him twice before, but stayed for the sake of the children. So one could argue (although it was always her choice) that you were indirectly responsible for them not divorcing sooner.

Now if you’re asking whether having a mediator in the house, someone to work on their marriage, to help your father quit drinking and deal with his rage issues, to help your mother find the strength she needed… this super-person… if that could have helped them work things out and saved their marriage? I honestly don’t know. Maybe, maybe not.

But I do know, as sure as I know lambchops taste good, that THAT HAS NEVER BEEN YOUR JOB. In fact, I’d argue that, if you had tried to make it your job, you’d have failed. Not because you’re not smart or caring, but because you’re their kid. If your pain and wishes weren’t enough ten years ago to keep him from drunken rages, why would you have been able to stop them now? These people changed your diapers and taught you to use a spoon; they’re not going to even be able to see you into a place of power to change their whole way of being.

My human friend Handsome is a psychotherapist, and works with a lot of couples. They pay him well to be the ‘expert,’ and give them ways to fix what’s wrong in their relationships. And at least half of his suggestions never get taken. So I’m saying that there’s no way you could have fixed things if you’d been there.

In fact, from everything you’re telling me, I am thinking things are actually working out for the best. Yes it’s just awful right now, but look at what’s ahead: Your mother will be free of his anger and abuse, and won’t have to walk on eggshells anymore. Your father has a good chance of “hitting bottom,” which experts on addiction refer to as the point when an addict finally admits they need help and takes action to improve their lives. (You say he’s been “functioning;” well I’m liking the idea that he might be reaching the point where the dysfunction gets so strong he does some things to save his life!).

My friend, there’s an experience I see lots of teens go through when they first go to college. They’re away from home, from their parents, from all those rules and problems, for the first time, and it can get a little scary. I see them often start to think about their childhood in ways they never had before, start to wonder about books and movies they liked when they were five, and about things that all seemed normal before and suddenly now they’re realizing weren’t. And become as homesick as me in a kennel when Handsome’s been gone for two weeks!

So I’m guessing that, while your parents tried to protect you from their divorce when you were growing up, their timing has hit right when you were going through all of this. And so you, maybe more than you ever would have before, desperately wish you could put the pieces back together and re-create the best of your childhood, the fun times, the joking and laughter and love.

And instead you’re facing a future where your parents won’t even be in the same home.

This is HARD, paytay143! It’s not fair and it’s heartbreaking. And it’s what’s going on. And, sad as I am to say it, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it.

But you CAN change the future.

How?

Well, for starters, your Continue reading

0 How to deal with a father who’s been in prison

Justinsbae asks: It’s Fathers’ Day once again, and I just feel like crying. I see everyone posting on social media about their dads and I’m just sitting here without one. I haven’t seen my dad since I was 3 or 4. I always assumed it was because he didn’t care, but then I see on the news this year that someone with the same name as him has been in prison for about 10 years, so maybe that was why he hasn’t come to see me. He also has a girlfriend and two other children. Anyway on to the advice bit. I need your help as he is getting out soon, and has contacted my mum and has asked to speak to me. But I’m not sure how I should do that as I hate talking on the phone and a text or letter can come off the wrong way. I feel the best way would be to meet him and tell him how much he has affected me, as that’s what I have always wanted to say to him. But I don’t think meeting him is possible as his girlfriend stopped sending me money through the post in the last two years apparently, so I’m guessing she wants nothing to do with me. Please help what is the best way of contacting him?

Hi justinsbae –

Wow!  This letter makes my heart hurt!  I am so sorry you’re going through all this!

You bring up a number of really difficult issues. Parents who have girlfriends or boyfriends or spouses who try to keep them from interacting with their kids; how to tell your parent about the effect they’ve had on you; how to talk with someone when you don’t like talking on the phone; having a parent in prison; and not knowing why you haven’t heard from your father in years. Any one of these is enough for me to write one of my usual posts on, and all of them together are… WOW!

So I’m going to have to pick and choose. I’ll start with the last one, which I think is the most important for you. The fact that you haven’t known why you haven’t heard from him. Did your mother know he was in prison? Has this been kept from you (maybe out of very loving reasons)? Or did she just find out too? Or are neither of you even sure he’s the man you heard about? Either way, Continue reading

0 How to stop an older sibling from acting out

Schulte asks: I am trying to figure out how to get my 3-year-old son to stop biting at preschool and fighting with the other kids for their toys. His father and I have been taking his toys away and grounding him to his room and giving him an early bed time when we get a report from his teacher that day saying he bites. We also talk to him telling him that is bad. He has a 6-month-old baby brother who has been teething so a lot of attention has been on his little brother. We pay attention to our older son and play with him.

Hi Schulte –

Oh boy did you write the right advisor on this!!!  For the first two years of my life, biting was my greatest joy!  I don’t remember everything, but Handsome tells me I basically ate, slept, and breathed only in order to chew and bite.  I bit him LOTS, bit everyone else when I could, and chewed up EVERYTHING in our house!  So I relate fully to both your youngest son, who has to teethe just as I did, and your older one, who’s expressing all sorts of emotions by biting.  I was both!

But you already know how to handle your younger kid.  It’s that older one who’s making things difficult.  And as I said before, I do think his biting comes from some emotional places.  And I’m mainly going to guess one:  that younger brother!

See, when a human is an only child, the whole world revolves around them, and they don’t know anything else.  Their parents can love each other, or love movies or chocolate or their jobs, but their parental love is only for “me.”  And then if those parents have another kid, that whole universe is shattered.  Even in the best of homes with the most attentive of parents (as you seem to be).

Now if your son was older, say 7 or so, when you had that second baby, he would have much more awareness of this situation.  But being so young, all his reactions to his baby brother (most likely both gigantic love and huge resentment) are unconscious.

And – and here’s my biggest point – one of the most common ways for a child to react to something life-changing is to regress, to behave younger than they are, in a wish that the world would go back to the way things were then.  (This is true of us too – puppies don’t mature in a straight line, we’ll have times of acting young again – and even as adults, we can suddenly start acting like puppies.  Like peeing in the house, for example).

So your son WILL get better.  He WILL stop biting, and start acting more mature.  But right now, biting serves two purposes – it gives him a way to act out his aggression, and it lets him act the same age and stage as his baby brother!

So what we want is not so much to Continue reading

0 Dealing with habitual face-scratching

YunoGasaiFan asks: Hi Shirelle, I have another question. And it’s very serious. So basically I scratch my face and I don’t know why, I want to stop but I can never resist not to. My face is full of “scabs” and scars. My parents think it’s some kind of mental issue but I looked it up and I think I have a skin picking disorder also known as dermatillomania. I kept on begging my mom to take me to the dermatologist but she either says, “okay tomorrow” or “you don’t have to go, just stop scratching your face, it’s that easy” But my dad reacts much worse he either reacts about how students at my school will see my face or he will say “that face is getting bad,” with a disgusted look. Sometimes I just lock myself in my room and cry about why I did this to my face and cry that I don’t know how to get rid of these “scabs” and scars. It started off in 6th grade and it’s still happening (I’m in 7th grade). I tell people at my school it’s a “skin condition” because I don’t want to scare them of knowing that I pick my face. But only one friend knows I scratch my face. When I looked up what I have probably had, I told my mom about this months ago, but after those months she did nothing about it, she probably forgot, that’s why she always asks me now “why do you scratch your face?” Out this very long story I have 2 questions: I’m really scared about how they will react but should I tell them the full story about how and why I got my “skin picking disorder” and keep pursuing to ask them to take me to a dermatologist? Or should I just not tell my parents and not “worry” them and ask my sister to take me? I’m sorry, I’m just really scared about how my parents will react if I choose the first one, especially my dad.

Hi YunoGasaiFan –

Sometimes people write me questions and I really wonder why.  I’m a dog – I have a huge heart and a fairly good brain, but when I get questions about academic issues, I just think, “What in the world made you ask me?!”  But your question isn’t in that category at all, YunoGasaiFan.  Your sending this to me makes total sense.  Because when it comes to scratching yourself, no one understands better than a dog!

Oh I love scratching!  I love to get the nails of my rear paws right into my neck, especially where my collar rubs.  I love to roll around on rugs or grass and scratch those areas of my back where my paws can’t reach.  And of course I especially love scratching at fleas and getting them off of me!

But this can go too far.  For example, I knew a dog – his name was actually Dog, would you believe? – who died from scratching too much.  He was pretty old, and he had fleas that just wouldn’t go away.  And he scratched so much that his body’s immunity just burned out – he literally got the same condition as a person with AIDS, the lack of a working immune system – and so went from being a beautiful vibrant pup to a withered weak shell of himself.

Now you’re a long way from this happening to you, but I will say, your Continue reading

0 How to handle an addict parent

Reena asks: It’s been more than nine years now that my single mother is an alcoholic. I won’t bore you with the details because even I am genuinely fed up and bored. Pastors, priests, counseling, therapy, lectures, elderly wise ppl advice etc. Everything is tried and tested, nothing has worked. SHE DOESN’T WANT TO QUIT. I am not a manipulative person and don’t know how to handle the issue. Over the years she has ruined our Birthdays, feasts, all special occasions with her uncontrollable drinking. The problem is, she is not a bad person. When she is sober, she is the sweetest, nicest person you might have met. When my friends come home, they like her more than me. I have asked her repeatedly over the years, what she wants? But she won’t open up. Trust me Shirelle, if she wants to re marry, I’ll stand by her. Forget society, forget her brothers and sisters. I’ll stand by her. Maybe she’s lonely, I don’t know. I’ve tried to figure out but in vain. She is a hairstylist and a few months back lost her work stuff worth almost 25,000. Lost a watch I gifted her worth 10,000 and has lost so many phones that she could appear in the book of records. She couldn’t care less. In my society, I am the crazy one because of my yelling and crying and breakdowns. I have stopped all that now since it is only painting me badly. I am all of 27 and am being very honest in this email. I have no Life and though I don’t show it, my colleagues see through me. They know I have no Life. There are a lot of money problems going on in the house right now and I give my entire salary in the house and sit at home every weekend because I have no money to go out. I have lost a few friends because of this and guys who I could date. Believe it or not, I have dated just one guy so far, that too online relationship. He never came to meet in person. My cousin’s sister makes fun of me because she knows I never have money. I am trying to help her as much as I can but don’t know what else to do. Maybe lack of money is the reason for her drinking, I don’t know. I have never told this to anyone but I am confiding in you in this email. I am even contemplating never getting married so I can help her financially till the end. She is a single mother and my father never provided any alimony. I know Life has been hard for her. And all I can do is help her. But I really don’t know what else I can do. She is very immature and I am tired of playing her mother. I genuinely don’t want to. I want to live like other normal single girls my age, who live and enjoy their lives. Please advise ??

Hi Reena –

Oh my dear, I have so much to say in response to you, it’s hard to know where to start.  But maybe it’s best with the physical.

I don’t know about birds, fish, or insects, but it does seem that all us mammals have brains that can become addicted to things.  You might have heard or read about scientific studies with mice.  And certainly it’s true for us dogs.

Now what do I mean by Addicted?  Well, of course we all have things we’ve enjoyed, and want to experience them again.  Handsome drops a peanut butter sandwich onto the floor, and I grab it before he can pick it up, and I really like the taste of it and want to have it again whenever I can.  Or he scratches that spot just under my ears, and I love it and hope he’ll do it again.  This is all sensible and purely healthy.

But there are certain substances that work in different ways in our brains.  It’s not even about enjoying them (though at first, at least, they’re almost always enjoyable).  It’s that our brains tell us we NEED them.  And a situation is created where we feel really bad when we aren’t getting them (this is called “withdrawal.”).  Now this can happen on a minor level.  People get addicted to lots of sugar, or to playing video games, and feel something’s wrong if they can’t have them.  One can even develop an addiction to high exercise, or to the chemical (adrenaline) that comes with excitement.  I definitely have those – and they’re not all that bad as addictions go.  And of course, we develop an addiction to those we love and live with – I’m a wreck when Handsome leaves town for days.  It’s not just that I like having him around, or miss him; I’m literally suffering withdrawal from him (and he from me, which I can feel in the way he hugs me when he gets back!).

But with certain substances, it gets far far worse.  Some chemicals interact with brains in special ways, that make the brains feel they need them like we need air or food or water.  And even though we know that we don’t really need them that badly, these chemicals make our brain believe it anyway.  And THAT’S when addictions can become really dangerous.

You see, it’s one thing if I want a cookie so badly that I get myself in trouble by jumping up onto the kitchen shelf to get one, and break the cookie jar to do it.  I’m going to get punished for that, sure.  But what if I knew that my jumping up on that shelf would ruin Handsome’s life?  Or kill me?  Of course I wouldn’t do it.  Unless I was truly addicted to those cookies!  Then nothing would get in my way, because suddenly getting cookies would become The Most Important Thing in My Life.  And if, instead of cookies, what I wanted so badly was something that changed my style of being (like alcohol or certain drugs), I’d find myself unable to stop taking more and more of that substance, even though it did terrible things to me like making me mean, stupid, unconscious, ugly, or even in danger of dying.  I simply wouldn’t care.

And this is what’s so horrific, Reena.  This is what’s happened to your mother.

I have no doubt that she loves you like crazy, and knows that you’re more important to her than any silly drink.  And she shows this when she’s away from the booze.  But while she knows that, her Addict-Brain tells her the exact opposite.  And it’s incredibly hard to fight that.  Especially because once someone has a true addiction, they can never get rid of it.

Now when I say that, do I mean that anyone who’s addicted to a drug or alcohol has no chance to improve their lives?  No, I’m not saying that at all.  But the only way for them to move forward is to stop taking that substance, and work hard every day to deal with the fact that their brain is that way.  And it never gets easy.

You see, if I go a year without having a cookie, and then have another one, I’m just going to remember how good it tasted, and that’ll be as far as it goes.  But if a true addict works hard to stop taking their drug-of-choice, and then goes a year without it, and then tries it again, they can become crazy all over again, putting that substance ahead of everything and everyone, and ruining their lives.

For centuries, there was no solution to this.  But more recently, people have created really great organizations to help addicts.  The most famous of them is called Alcoholics Anonymous.  AA is a special program where people work through twelve projects to help themselves take control of their lives back from their addictions, while continuing to go to meetings to help keep themselves strong, and avoid falling back into the bad behaviors.

So when I hear of someone battling alcoholism or any other addiction, my best recommendation is to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous (or Marijuana Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, etc.) meeting and start their program.

But there’s one problem here.  The problem you’re living: the program only works if the person wants to become sober badly enough to go through Hell to get there.  And I do mean Hell.  My withdrawal from Handsome is painful; the withdrawal from an addictive drug can be devastating.  There are some great movies about this process; to anyone who’s dealing with these issues, I strongly recommend The Lost Weekend, Days of Wine and Roses, and Transpotting, for starters (note: all of these are strictly for adults or mature teens only).

And Reena, here’s where it breaks my heart to say what I have to.  As you’ve learned… No one can make another person change.  Your mother knows how awful her disease (and yes, alcoholism is a mental disease) is, and she doesn’t have the strength to fight it – at least not yet.  And there’s nothing you can do to make her do so.

This is the supreme evil of addiction.  Not that it does terrible things to the addict’s life, but how much it wrecks the lives of those around them.

Here you are, a woman of gigantic heart.  And you’ve lost tons of property, and you’re denying yourself the relationships you want, the family you want, in order to take care of your mother’s addiction.

And while I love that you love your mother that much, I want you to seriously consider that doing that might be the very worst thing you could do.

You see, people in Alcoholics Anonymous talk about how they never would have gotten there if they hadn’t hit their “bottom.”  For some people, they hit bottom when they get arrested for driving intoxicated, or when they’re so drunk they don’t remember what they did the next day.  Others might hit bottom when they drunkenly hit a family member, or crash their car, or get fired from their job.  And those who try to protect these people from hitting their bottoms are called “Enablers.”

The fact is, we want your mother to hit her bottom.  Hopefully in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone else.  And your being so wonderful and helpful to her is preventing her from getting there.  So, crazy as it sounds, the best way to help your mother is often to not help her at all, and let her suffer the effects of her actions.  You can still be there for her in the most important ways, but not the way you’re doing it – not to throw your life away in order to make it easier for her to keep making bad choices.

(I know, it’s crazy for a friendly helpful dog to talk this way – it sounds like I’m criticizing my own way of living.  But I’ve seen some terrible things over the years, and have a great fear of addictions).

So if this is true, what can you do?  There’s all this help for alcoholics and other addicts; what is there for those who love them?

Well, there is something.  It’s an organization closely related to Alcoholics Anonymous, called Al-Anon.  And Al-Anon is for family members (and other loved ones) of alcoholics.  It’s a place to work with others who are dealing with similar issues, to help with the ways your life is being affected, and, most importantly, to help you deal with your mother in the most useful ways possible.

I don’t know where you live, Reena, but I can almost guarantee there will be an Al-Anon group fairly near you.  You can find them by going to this website: http://www.al-anon.org/find-a-meeting

As a dog, I love nearly all people, and I certainly have no reason to dislike your mother.  But I do fear her.  I fear her weakness over her addiction to alcohol.  I fear how this affects her, and how it affects those around her, and especially how it is affecting your life.  It’s not fair, to anyone.

So I bow to you for your honesty and openness, and for your enormous love.  And I sit up and beg you to please check out an Al-Anon meeting near you.  And to find ways to help your mother that don’t stifle your life from becoming all you want and deserve it to be.  (And to let me know how it goes, and reach out for any help I can possibly give)

With all the love and respect I’ve got,

Shirelle

0 How to deal with encopresis/enuresis in an older child

minecraft asks: I am nearly 10 years old. I don’t know who else to tell this, because it’s really embarrassing. I have a lot of accidents; I some times dirty my pants and I still wet the bed at night. I do not know why I keep having accidents in the day. I get really embarrassed and sad, because my brothers and other kids make fun of me for it. I have six brothers and two sisters; I am the fourth oldest. My mum sometimes gets mad at me and she some times says things like she is going to put a nappy on me like my two-year-old brother (She only gets mad when I have accidents in the day, not about me wetting my bed). My mum took me to the doctor about why I have accidents in the day, and the doctor said I’m fine and there is nothing wrong. My mum said if I have one more accident she is going to put me a nappy on me, because she can’t keep buying me underwear and washing my clothes, and she says it will be a lot better for me because I will be more comfortable and I will sleep better. I don’t want to wear nappies because nappies are for babies. How do I get my mum not to put me in nappies?

Hi minecraft –

It’s very humiliating, I know, to have this problem, and I really respect you for having the courage to reach out and ask about it.

I was lucky in this area.  I was able to get paper-trained and house-trained very quickly.  After that, there were a couple of times when Handsome was so stressed out it made me lose control, but otherwise I’ve been fine.  With one exception!

That exception is that dogs, unlike people, get inspired to pee and poop.  The reason we go to trees, fire hydrants, and such the second we get outside is that we want to pee, but sniffing another dog’s pee smell starts our engines turning.  This is great for leaving trails, marking territory, and all.  But it can also cause a big problem.  What if we’re inside a house, and another dog has peed or pooped (or thrown up) there?  What if there’s a bit of a residue of it on the floor, or in the carpet?  We have no choice! We get one whiff of that, and our system gets going, and we don’t even have time to whine or walk away, we just release right there.  And then the people always yell at us, or at our owners, that it’s our fault, that we’re not trained well enough.  When, if anything, it’s the fault of whoever cleaned it up but didn’t do it well enough (there are products made with enzymes that break the residue down organically; those are the best cleaners for indoor marking).

But here I am talking about myself instead of about you (Am I marking my territory, perhaps?!).  And human bowel control is a very different situation.

It might sound obvious, but there are only two reasons for a child of ten to still be wetting his bed and soiling his underwear:  It’s either Continue reading

0 How to deal with your girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s annoying family members

Snowman asks: So me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 years. About 1 year in I met one of her family friends and the first thing he does is insult me by saying he wouldn’t talk to anyone less intelligent than him and ignores me from there. He did this directly in front of my girlfriend and she didn’t react at all to it. So I let it slide and after he left I confronted her about it. She apologized and understood that I didn’t like him at all. So several months pass and I’ve pretty much never talked to him. When my birthday comes, due to a serious of unlucky events, my girlfriend has to leave for a bit and I’m forced to wait for this man and guide him to her. It naturally ruined my day. So afterwards I tell my girlfriend that I want to skip dinner and just lay down but we end up going to dinner anyways. We ultimately got into a small argument and she tried to break up with me a few days later. Ps this was at a time where we could barely see each other. It’s been on my conscience for a while now because I felt bad for being in a bad mood that day. Was my reaction unreasonable?

Hi Snowman –

I can’t really answer your question as it is. You see, you’ve told me lots of reasons for you to be annoyed (ANYBODY would be, having to deal with that jerk!), but you didn’t really tell me what your reaction was. Except that you two had “a small argument.”   So I can’t really tell you if you were unreasonable or not.

Now if you mean to ask if it’s unreasonable for you to have been bothered by that guy’s comment and his ignoring you, then no, I think you didn’t do enough! I wish, when he said “I don’t talk with people less intelligent than me,” you’d said, “Well that’s nice, you’ve got about seven billion people you can’t talk with!” Or, more simply, “Wow, have you ever met one?”

Now if you try to stay with this woman, there’s an easier choice, which is to realize that he’s an idiot, and not let his stupidity bother you. For example, when people come to our house, I always want to play with them. But if any dislike dogs and don’t want to do anything with me, I’ve learned not to let their dopiness hurt my feelings. I just ignore them. Then they’re happier, and I am too (because I’m off playing with people who understand how fun life can be!).

So I hope this dingdong didn’t manage to ruin your relationship. Because he’s not worth it. But if he hasn’t, then yes, my advice is to give him less respect than you have. By not letting him bother you at all.

Best of luck,

Shirelle

0 Is it okay for a boy to like wearing girls’ clothes?

Violet asks: I am a 12 year old boy. Is it normal I like to wear girl clothes? I like to wear girl things but I don’t know why. I wear my sister’s clothes. My sister is 8 years old. I wear her dresses and her underwear. No one knows I wear them but I feel bad about it. I sometimes wish I was a girl.

Hi Violet –

I’m glad you wrote me, because I have a very different take on this than most humans.

You see, Violet, as a dog, I don’t care about anything in terms of the roles of boys and girls.  For example, most female dogs squat whenever they pee, but ever since I was old enough, I’ve often lifted my leg to do it.  And no one’s ever cared.

Similarly, I don’t care a bit about clothes, except to say that I always find it really irritating when Handsome makes me wear any (you humans seem to just find it SOOOOO funny to see a dog in a hat or shirt.  And you’re supposed to be the intelligent ones?!)

Now, you asked me something very specific.  You asked me if it’s “normal” for a boy to want to wear girls’ clothes.  Well, if “normal” means that most people do it, then no, it’s not.  Nor is it normal for girl dogs to lift their legs to pee, or for a person to become a big movie star or sports legend.  But the much more important issue is, is it Continue reading