Category Archives for "Behavior"

What to do when your relationship is faithful but disrespectful.

Yara asks:

            I have been in a long distance relationship with a guy for about one and half years. I am constantly feeling confused with my relationship, for while it is the most relaxing time to be with him, at the same time there are a lot of questions beating my head. We do fight a tad more than normal because I expect some things from him and he sometimes fails to do them. And recently I found that he is following a girl on Instagram from his past who he had a fling with. When I confronted him, he said I am not giving him any privacy, that I’m spying on him and my asking about it shows I don’t trust him. It’s not that I don’t trust him, but I feel uncomfortable that he follows her. At the end of the day I always end up feeling like I shouldn’t have asked this and that, because I don’t trust him. And he keeps saying that it is my insecurity that I ask this from him He shouldn’t have pinned it on my insecurity.  I am torn between whether it is my fault, that I shouldn’t have made it an issue. I am on the brink of breaking up. I love him a lot ,but why is it always my fault? I want a relationship with understanding and love with him. Am I fooling myself and being blind to the truth because of the love I have for him?

Hi Yara –

            I often talk with humans about how different I am from you guys, but in this case you and I are a lot alike.  My human friend Handsome is my favorite thing in the world, and I’m his.  But he of course is very fond of all other dogs as well, and loves to pet them and cuddle them and play with them and let them lick and chew on him and… you get the idea.

            Well, if he does this when he’s away from me, and he comes back with their smell on him, I have to admit, I love it!  I’m excited to sniff him all over like crazy.  I love his smell normally, but with them added he’s so much more interesting!

            But if we’re “in-person,” it’s another story.  He’ll see some puppy and pet it and tell it how cute it is, and I get furious.  Not at him (who probably deserves it more), but at the dog!  I’ll run up and bark and snarl and almost attack the poor pooch, letting it know “That Man is MINE!” 

            So what did the dog do to deserve this?  Nothing.  And why is it okay when Handsome does it away from me but not where I can see it?  Because of my pride.

            I feel completely disrespected.  Dishonored.

            Now I’m not here to say whether or not your boyfriend ought to be following his ex on Instagram.  Maybe it’s fine (Handsome stays in touch with lots of his exes, completely innocently), or maybe it’s suspicious.  But that’s up to you to decide.

            But it sounds like you already have decided.  You trust him.  You fully believe that his following her on Instagram is harmless and does not imply that he’s doing anything remotely wrong with her.

            But you don’t like it!

            And I’m thinking that the reason you don’t is because it’s so public, so “in your face.”  And just like me when Handsome pets some cute pup, your emotions get triggered.  And then you want to lash out, but, again like me, there’s no correct target for it!  In my case, I jump on some innocent pooch.  And in yours, you “confront” him about it.

            So it makes sense that he’s confused.  If you do trust him, then what’s so bad about his following her?  Right?

            What’s missing is that you’re not telling him about the disrespect you feel.  That he’s making a public showing of his interest in her, that all your friends can see, and that feels bad to you.

            Now if you do talk with him about it, that conversation can lead many ways.  Maybe he agrees to stop following her.  But maybe instead he agrees to post more pictures of the two of you together on Instagram, making it clear that you two are a couple, and he makes any comments about her photos include the word “friend.”  Like “This is hilarious!  I’m so glad we’re friends!” or “Hey pal, that’s a great photo!”

            Do you see where I’m going? 

            Trust is one thing.  I know Handsome’s not going to take me back to the pound and exchange me for another dog.  But respect is another – and is way subtler.

            So if I’m right, let him know what’s up, and see if the two of you can work something out about it.  Again, it sounds like neither of you is doing anything wrong; you just want to find out how to make each other feel as good as possible – for him to maintain his friendship, and for you to feel honored.

            I think you two deserve it!

            Good Luck!

            Shirelle

Should you leave your current relationship because you never got over an earlier one?

Shreyash1009 asks: Two years ago I proposed to a girl with whom I’d been in love for five years. That time she rejected the proposal saying we were friends, but after a year she proposed back to me. It was my first relationship and I could not build a good bond with her. After two months she told me that it was not working between us. I was heartbroken and it took some time to be back. After some months I tried to propose to my friend’s ex-girlfriend and she was convinced. I was not serious with her, but she was having strong and serious feelings for me. We have been together for a year and a half, and I am not serious for her but she loves me. I am still not able to forget the girl from before. I am very much worried and don’t even know what to do.

Hi Shreyash1009 –

This is a really tough situation.  I’m sorry for you, and for both of the girls.

Humans tend to believe that romance will be like… well, like buying a dog.  You find one you like, you take them home, you train each other, and after six months or so it’s a perfect relationship with unconditional love and loyalty till death do you part.

Yeah… no.

Romance between humans is way more complex than that, with all kinds of opinions and resentments and hurts that happen all the time.  And, yes, sometimes a spark just doesn’t happen, or it goes away.  And that’s really really sad.

As with your letter – you don’t say a single word against either of these ladies.  It’s not that one cheated, or started hitting you, or stopped bathing.  This is just a case where feelings are inconvenient. 

So, I hate to say it, but if you’re sure about the way you feel about the second girl, I think that probably the best thing to do is to let her go.  Will it hurt her?  Absolutely.  Just as it hurt you when the other one rejected you.  But you did survive it, and this one ought to as well.

If you and this girl had been married for years and were raising children together, I might say something different here – I might argue that if you two get along okay, it could be worth it to stay together for all the good things your marriage gives you, even though you’re not feeling that romantic thrill.

But you’re not married, and you don’t have kids.  And the best thing for you and her might well be to move on and find someone else better for you. 

But wait, I’ll also argue against this!  ARE you sure that you’re not interested in the girl you’re with now?  Is your love for the other one more a fantasy than a real interest?  After all, I’m not hearing you say that you’ve spent the last couple of years pursuing her.  Could you actually be happier with this one than with someone else?

No one fits every wish anyone has for a partner.  There’s always compromise.

Your job, my friend, is to figure out which is the best way for you to go.  To hurt this girl’s feelings so both of you can be free, or to work harder to make things work with her.

I’ll be glad to help with whatever you decide.  But the decision is, and has to be, yours.

I wish you great wisdom and the best of luck

Shirelle

What to do when you’re being shamed for what you did in a previous relationship

Arpita asks: I had broken up with my boyfriend 3 months ago. Then I found a guy withnwhom I want to spend the rest of my life. It’s too new, but he is everything I wanted.  My ex recently found out that I had cheated on him once (I had kissed a guy during my internship). My ex is shattered as he still has feelings for me, and I feel horrible about what I did. His friend has been abusing me in messages, slut-shaming me. Of course I can’t discuss all these with the guy I’m with now. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Arpita –

You’re in three situations, one is shockingly awful, and the other two are more normal than you realize.

The normal ones are that you have a new boyfriend while your former one still has feelings for you, which creates a problem, and that you did something that you’re ashamed of in that previous relationship.  Again, both of these are very common, and I’d even argue that most people have to contend with them.

Then you have something else that’s horrible and inexcusable, which is your ex’s friend doing all this slut-shaming abuse.

So let’s start with my strongest statement here – you KISSED a boy.  Yes, you shouldn’t have, and you wouldn’t have wanted your boyfriend to have kissed another girl.  But it was KISSING.  You didn’t have an affair, you didn’t sleep around, you didn’t do anything to embarrass or shame your boyfriend.  And you know what else you didn’t do?  You didn’t allow (or encourage) a friend of yours to say awful things to or about him!  I’m sorry but that’s SO MUCH WORSE THAN KISSING SOMEONE.  It’s cruel and pathetic and often traumatizing.

No one has ever been in a relationship for any serious length of time without doing things they regret.  I have tons of regrets for things I have done that hurt my human friend Handsome, and he might have even more about me.  But those mistakes are part of how we’ve learned to love and trust each other over the years.  Because we’ve seen how much the other regrets the things they’ve done that have hurt us.  And how much we each want the other to be safe and happy.

So my first advice would be to reach out to your ex, if you’re comfortable doing that, and let him know that what his friend is doing is enormously hurtful to you, and gets in the way of your having any relationship to him, even friendship.  Then it’ll be interesting to see what he says or writes back: If it’s “I had no idea!  I’m so sorry, I’ll call him right now and stop this!” then that’s not so bad.  But if it’s “Well you deserve it, since what you did was unforgivable,” then you might consider blocking them both at least for a while.  (I’m assuming you’ve already apologized to him for having kissed the guy, right?  Ideally more than once?  Because if so, enough is enough!)

But now when we get to the other guy, the new wonderful one, what to do?  Well, again, I’m going to go to my line that it was only kissing.  And suggest that maybe your best bet is to tell him.

Here’s my thought.  Maybe you even start with “What’s the worst thing you ever did in a relationship?”  And when he answers, tell him, “here’s mine.”  And describe it to him.  Tell him how ashamed you are of it, how sorry you are, and (and here’s the big one) what you learned from the experience which guarantees that you will never do that again.  And tell him that you want him to know about it, because you value him so much and you don’t want to take a chance that he might hear it from someone else.  But also, you’re caring so much that it’s a little scary.  And you don’t want to live in a situation where you get so committed to someone who can’t accept you as you are, flaws and all.

(That’s why I want you to ask what he’s done wrong – so you can both accept each other’s flaws.)

If this guy can’t accept that you were in a relationship that wasn’t as good as the one you have with him, and kissed another boy once, then maybe he’s not as wonderful as you think.  But if he hears it, and says that it would break his heart if you did that to him, so he’s counting on you to stick to your word and not kiss another boy as long as you’re together… then I say you’re right, and he’s absolutely wonderful!

So those are my thoughts.  Maybe there’s something I’ve gotten wrong, and if so please let me know.  But the one thing I’m absolutely sure of is that you deserve better than you’re getting now from that friend of your ex’s.  And somehow or other, I’d love to see that stop.

All my very best,

Shirelle (who likes to kiss EVERYBODY!)

Is it wrong to marry someone when that will bring them into your family’s problems?

Kiran1209 asks:

 In my family, there is no good communication between my mother and father. And the situation has been like this for years. There is always a difference in opinion between them and this leads to fighting. Often I don’t like the atmosphere that is created in the house. There is never a normal discussion in our house, it always ends up in fighting ( verbally). I always have to intervene and lighten the atmosphere.  I hope you get what I am trying to tell. If it had been a little abnormal, I would have not mentioned this to you.  So, the girl I met comes from a different atmosphere (normal family ). It’s much better than our house. So, a thought comes to my mind “why a girl like her should be exposed to such a negative atmosphere?” And this thought goes through my mind continuously when I am at home (dealing with the condition).  And in arranged marriage it’s not just two people but the families are involved too.  I told her about the family situation too and asked if she wouldn’t rather have an arrange marriage with a more suitable option than me (family being my main concern). But even after telling her this, she wanted to go ahead with me. I didn’t understand why she still wanted to go ahead in this process with me. On asking her she told me “I discussed the above point with my mother (her mother) and she said you want to live with the person most of the time and his behavior matters the most.” Yes, the person who you are marrying matters the most, but the family’s behavior is also important, right?  I just can’t get rid of the thought that, why should such a person come into a negative atmosphere of our family.  How would you look at this situation??

Hi Kiran1209 –

There’s an old story about a traveling salesman.  He goes to a small town and wants to get a haircut.  He finds out there are two barbers in the town.  He walks around to check them out.  The first barber’s shop is a disaster – it looks like it hasn’t been swept up in weeks, the equipment is old, and the barber himself has sloppy hair and clothes.  He then goes to the second shop.  It’s neat, clean, and fashionable.  The barber is smartly dressed and groomed, everything in place.

He goes to the first shop.  Why?

Because that’s the barber who gave the second barber his haircut!   The neat one gave the crummy cut to the slob!

Now back to you, you are absolutely correct that families matter enormously in all relationships, and even more in arranged marriages.  But I’m guessing that this girl has seen that, in her family where her parents get along so well, she or one of her siblings is the “difficult one” in the house.  And the parents have to calm that person down.  Whereas in your home, you are the mediator, you’re the one making everything better.  Isn’t that the ideal guy she ought to consider marrying?!

I’ll add something else.  She’s heard your pain.  You hate what’s wrong in your parents’ marriage, and want so badly to have something different from that.  Well, when she hears that, she’s hearing “I don’t want endless fighting.  I want to work things out and be happy.”

I’m no mind-reader, but if I have this correct, this lady is S M A R T !!!!

All my best,

Shirelle

ps: Oh one other thing – she also sees that your parents, who struggle in their marriage, have still stayed together.  That also might mean a lot to her – this isn’t a family where people are going to divorce at the first disagreement!

How to deal with your new relationship having had a past you have trouble accepting

PERFECTION asks: My girlfriend and I somehow shared some things about our past relationships and the sort of things she and I did before we got to meet each other. I was a little bit carried out by those facts that I’ve learned. Can you help me clear my mind about it, and to not think of it anymore? I don’t want to be distracted by something that has happened years ago.

Hi PERFECTION –

I’m going to stick with what I said to you before.  The problem isn’t what she’s done in the past, it’s your feeling not-good-enough about yourself, and probably imagining that some guy in her past was “better” than you in some regard.

And here’s the bad news: each one was.

Before me, Handsome had five dogs.  Each of them was absolutely wonderful in their way.  He would never have traded any of them for anything.  One was tougher than me, one sweeter, one prettier… and he loves me so much his heart almost can’t take it.  I actually hope there’s an afterlife where I’ll get to meet them all.  We’ll play, we’ll fight over who’s best, and of course we’ll make lots of fun of Handsome, and what a goof he is.  And when he gets there to meet us… oh man will he go NUTS!  Because he loves us all so much!

But each of us will have been from a different time in his life.  And so the he that loves me more than anything will be a bit different from the part that idolized Wolfgang, or depended on Ygor’s heart to get through his tough teen years.  

So can I get jealous?  Sure.  But it’s a waste of time.  It’s far better for me to focus on my gratitude – how much I love having the relationship I have with him right now.  And letting that gratitude overwhelm me.   As his does him.

Can you do that?  Can you, instead of focusing on some jerk she dated some time ago, who either dumped her or she him, let yourself just swoon in the thrill that she’s interested in you now?!  And that she’s the best thing you’ve ever found?!  

Yeah, one of those guys was a better athlete.  One was just crazy-good-looking.  One sang like John Legend.  

But none of them were you.  And she’s not talking with any of them today.  Or if she is, it’s as friends, which is maybe even better!  YOU are the one that matters.

And that, my friend, is not just the key to beating past silly jealousies; it’s pretty much the key to enjoying life altogether.

At least that’s how I enjoy mine.  That and getting letters from you of course!

Enjoy!

Shirelle

Why would someone newly-sober break up from their relationship?

K-Xengah asks:

I took your advice concerning my boyfriend and his drug problems and it totally worked. He hit rock bottom and his withdrawal made him quit. So thanks, cause if it was not for your advice I would have totally helped him find money for drugs so he can feel better.  But right now we are going through problems. He broke up with me for something I didn’t do. Apparently I’m cheating on him, going to see other guys and flirting with them… which isn’t true. But I don’t know how to convince him I didn’t do anything, because he wouldn’t even believe me if I said that. I don’t even know if I should even try to work things out. I told him to communicate with me, but he’d rather put subliminals on his whatsapp status. Part of me wants to prove him wrong and get back together with him, but because of his subliminals, another part of me just wants to prove him wrong and that’s it. I don’t even know how to or what to even say to him. He called earlier and I just watched it ring. Because in the first place, before I found out why he broke up with me, he just broke up with me without a reason and that’s like mental torture cause I was constantly thinking about it. 

Hi K-Xengah –

So for starters… WOW!!  That’s just fantastic!!  I’m so proud of you!  Whatever happens with this relationship, you’ve done a huge part to save his life, and I know it was really hard!  I’m thrilled to have been a part of it, really honored.

But as for now…  yeah, that’s the thing with addiction; stopping the drug is just the start.  This is why so many people working on sobriety join groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, to work on all the stuff under their addiction.  And why there are groups like AlAnon, for people involved with addicts (often their children or spouses).  To do the work they need to, with others going through the same things.

What you’re dealing with now is the deep pain your boyfriend drank to numb.  He probably feels very bad about himself, and that it would only make sense for you to look elsewhere for love.  And it’s not a big jump from that belief to believing that you have looked elsewhere, and are actively enjoying it!

I’m about 99% sure that he will try to start things back up with you, as his bad feelings about himself move from “She’s been cheating on me” to “I need her back and I hurt her.”  But when he does, if you can find the same strength you’ve shown again, and use it to get him to go to some AA meetings or see a therapist (or best of all, BOTH!), he can start to do the real, deep, painful work he needs to, to move on from all this awfulness he’s feeling – and giving you.

He might say no.  And if he goes, he might not always continue to go.  And either way, he might “slip off the wagon” and drink again.  In fact, the odds are all these will happen.  It’s part of the journey every addict takes on their road to recovery.  And you may have noticed, people on this journey always call themselves “a recovering alcoholic,” not “a recovered one.”  The journey continues. 

It’s hard work, but right now you and he have both risen to the occasion beautifully.  If you can both continue it, truly anything is possible.

But he might need you to convince him of that!

Bowing to you in awe and respect,

Shirelle

What to do when both people in a relationship have broken the other’s trust

JuicyBest asks:

My boyfriend, after he tracked a phone he gave to me and was actually seeing all my messages, saw when I cheated on him.  He told me it was over, but after persistence and begging, he forgave and now we are back.  But I no longer feel the vibe in the relationship the way it used to be. I kinda feel tensed around though he said he has forgiven, but I still feel guilty whenever we are together.  My Boyfriend isn’t financially stable but I love him.  Sometimes I try my best not to let it get to me because he can barely provide what I want, but sincerely speaking I do love him and we are both in college. I won’t lie, the idea of cheating to foot some bills pops up in. I’m confused and don’t know what to do.

Hi JuicyBest –

Your situation, I’m sorry to say, makes complete sense to me.  I always argue that the most important element of a romantic relationship is trust, and you both have hurt the trust of each other.  Him by tracking your phone and spying on your messages, and you by cheating on him.  This doesn’t make it impossible to make the relationship work, but it does make it a lot harder.

It’s good that you two have agreed to work things out, and it’s even better that you feel guilty about hurting him.  But now comes the big work: Getting the other to trust you again.

See, that’s really hard.  We dogs tend to trust everyone we meet, especially when we’re puppies, but if someone ruins that trust, let’s say by kicking us, we then know they’re capable of hurting us.  And once we know that, it’s impossible for us to believe they’re not capable of that.

So the answer then is to treat us so well, with such consistency, that we choose  to trust you again.  To believe, not that you can’t kick us, but that you won’t

So can you and your boyfriend each promise each other that  you will never do what you did again?  Great.  And then, can you each work really hard, for a long time, to earn the other’s trust?  That’s harder.

So for example, you’re counting on him going to a party with you, and he realizes he can’t make it because he forgot to study for a test.  Should he go to the party anyway, should he lie to you about why it happened, or should he tell the truth (which will lead you to distrust that he’s responsible enough to remember his assignments)?  Hard, right?

And you go to that party without him, and meet a guy, and he walks you out to your car (innocently) and someone sees you two walking out and tells your boyfriend about it.  Do you lie and say it didn’t happen, do you just angrily insist nothing more happened, or do you admit the truth, which makes him mad that you would do something with such a bad appearance, and that’s even possibly dangerous?

In both these cases, the answer is to open up completely to the other, and admit your faults.  If you can do that, you will build a deep trust.  Not that you’ll trust he’ll always remember his assignments, or that he’ll trust you’re always putting out the perfect appearance and self-care.  But that you each want the other to know your truth, and are willing to look stupid, careless, irresponsible, all that.

Because that’s when you’ll start to trust each other all the way.

Handsome and I have each made so many mistakes with each other.  But our trust is built on our knowing that the other wants nothing more in life than for the other to be happy and safe.

You can do this, if you both really want to. 

What do you think?  Is he worth the effort?

Best of luck my friend!

Shirelle

What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend does things deliberately to hurt your feelings

Prince2411 asks:

I made many mistakes in my relationship, I hurt my girl a lot, and I did things I am not proud of, but my intention was never to hurt her. I never crossed any physical limits with any other girl, but over text I said certain things which I shouldn’t have, and I didn’t realize then but now I do. I know how much it hurt my girl, but she is taking revenge on me on purpose, talking to the one person of whom I am so insecure – he affects me mentally and emotionally. I’ve been begging her not to do this to me, not to torture me, but she thinks I don’t know how it feels to her when I do it. She does love me, and I love her a lot, but she’s still doing this. She says she likes talking to him, she’s saying things purposely to hurt me more. She prefers hurting me, rather than blocking him and hurting him. He is a nobody in her life, but I have been with her for almost 6 years.  Please help, I’m getting depressed.

Hi Prince2411 –

There’s an old truism that the opposite of being in love is not hating or anger; it’s feeling nothing.  It’s hard to say there’s good news for you in your letter, but the truth is that your girlfriend a) has not broken up with you, and b) is so affected by your texts with other girls that she’s working really hard to get revenge on you.

In other words, she is showing every sign of being completely committed to you.  And that’s great.

But she’s also getting a kick out of causing you pain.  And that’s not so great!

What you two really need, longer-term, is to work hard to build deep mutual trust.  To the degree that neither of you is all that bothered by the other talking or texting with someone else. 

But shorter-term, you two need to just simply agree to stop knowingly hurting each other.  Now it sounds like you’ve already gotten there, but she feels she needs to do it a little more.  So your job is to let her know that she has succeeded!  That you have learned your lesson, and there is nothing more to gain by doing more of it.  That, instead, her doing more of it will actually push you away (which you realize is what you were doing to her), so that you won’t be hurting anymore.

When I was a puppy, I loved attacking my human friend Handsome and biting him all the time.  He’d yell “Ow!” and get upset, and I found that just fantastic.  But as I grew up, I began to see him as part of me, as my pack leader, and I didn’t want to hurt him anymore.  In fact, now, the few times I’ve seen that I’ve hurt him it’s just ripped me up inside.

I want your girlfriend to get to that place, where I am.  You hurt her by not paying attention to her feelings, and that’s bad, but she’s purposely trying to cause you pain.  If it’s just to teach you a lesson, that’s one thing, but if it keeps going, it could become the new normal of your relationship, and that would be awful for both of you!

So I want you to talk with her, to let her know that she’s succeeded in teaching you, and that now you want a relationship where you both work to make the other feel better, and to build trust.  That means that you have to listen and hear her when she says your texting hurts her, and she needs to understand when her talking to that guy hurts you.

THEN you need to figure out how to live with these feelings.  Can she talk with the guy as long as she’s not saying hurtful things?  Can you text other women as long as you’re not flirting?  In other words, can you two become a successful mature couple?

I would rather die than hurt Handsome, and he’d rather die than hurt me.  You two aren’t there yet, but maybe someday you will.  The time to start that journey is now.

And I think you’re closer to it than you know.

All my best,

Shirelle

2 A Sense of Belonging

…the only hope

This is hard for me to put into words.  But I have to.

            I want you to imagine I get off my leash and chase a cat, and catch it and kill it.  Handsome is furious with me.  He feels horrible for the poor kitty, and devastated that he will have to tell the cat’s human friends about it.  And even more, he feels guilty – for not holding me back, and for not training me better.

            Okay, that’s awful, and of course happens with us dogs, cats, and people all the time.  (Don’t get me wrong, I love chasing cats, but it’s just fine with me that Handsome holds me back from doing anything so heartbreaking).

            But I want you to imagine something worse.  Imagine I do this twice.  And when it’s a calico cat that I catch and kill, Handsome is angry and sad and really lets me know it.  But when it’s a Siamese, he kind of shrugs it off.  “Oh well.  You shouldn’t have done that, Shirelle, but it’s only a Siamese, so I’m not going to punish you or anything.”

            THAT is what’s been happening in my country for centuries, to humans – based not on a breed but on skin color, ethnicity, sex and other qualities.  And it breaks my heart.

            I’m sure you have heard about George Floyd and Breonna Taylor, two innocent people who were killed by police officers in the last few weeks here.  Now I’m a big fan of the police, and want them empowered to keep themselves and all of us safe.  But sometimes they can make mistakes, or sometimes a bad one can do something really awful.  Just like everyone else.

            What makes me sad, and furious, and nauseous, is that our society has continued to say that if they do it to someone with white skin that’s a big problem, but if it’s someone of brown or black skin, it’s no big deal!

            Every culture has its faults and its prejudices, just as every person and dog does, but the trick is to try to see them and work through them.  This situation, from names you might know from songs like Medgar Evars and Emmett Till, or maybe even from your history classes like Rodney King, all the way up to today, is actually a mass mental illness.  One that has damaged the human race since it began.

            We animals of smaller brains develop all kinds of prejudices, of course.  I was attacked by a black furry dog twice my size when I was a puppy, so large black furry dogs terrify me.  You almost certainly have similar knee-jerk reactions yourself.

But you humans have bigger brains that can take those judgments and turn them into beliefs and rules.  And that’s where the problem lies.

I would never say one should kill large black dogs, or that they deserve to be treated different to me; I just find them scary, nothing more.  But human brains will come up with the stupidest, most insane concepts – this race should be enslaved, this ethnicity is immoral, this sex can’t lead, this sexual orientation isn’t natural, it just goes on and on!

            And it’s SO DAMNED STUPID!!!  (yes I know, you’ve never heard me use that word before)

            Here’s the fact – you have the individual right to care more about certain people than others, or certain dogs or cats than others, of course.  But in the big picture, no human or dog or cat or lizard is truly worth any more than any other.  Or better than any other.  Poodles tend to be a very smart breed, but there are stupid ones.  I’ve met pit bulls who were sweeter than even me, though they’re bred for fighting.  And believe it or not, I’ve even met calm Chihuahuas (while yes, most are more hyper than a hummingbird on espresso!).

            Passing judgments about anyone’s worth based on their color or anything like that is pure idiocy.  Yes – when you guys do it, it makes you stupider than us pooches, even with your gigantic brains!

            But mass judgment is as natural to you guys as cat-chasing is to us, and nothing I say is going to change that part of your nature.

            What I can do is ask you to rise above it.  And I know only one way to do that: I want you to begin to realize that You Belong.  And We Belong.

            Philosophers and Theologians far more intelligent than I will tell you that our separateness from each other is only an illusion, and that the job of living is to learn that, so we can be together in the next world.  I can’t tell you whether they’re right or wrong about what’s coming.  But I do know this – every human belongs to every other one right now.

            Think about it.  Let’s say you were in a crowd, say watching a World Cup match (oh I hope you can have crowds like that again soon!).  And some crazy man sneaked a big gun into the stadium, and started shooting people randomly.  Your life would somewhat belong to him, right?  He’d have the power to determine whether or not you lived to see your loved ones again, or to see another sunrise.  Now imagine someone next to you saw that man pull that gun out, and grabbed you and shoved you down under the seats, so you weren’t hit by any bullets.  Then your life and fate would belong to that person, right?  At least somewhat?  Or maybe a brave soul jumped up and tackled the shooter and got his gun away from him?  Then every person in that stadium would have to acknowledge that their lives belonged to that hero/heroine in a way.

            Well I hope your life is a bit more mundane than that today.  But don’t you equally belong to every driver who hits, or doesn’t hit, your car?  And doesn’t every other driver on the street equally belong to you, because you hit or don’t hit them? 

            What about when one person is feeling depressed and unloved and unseen, and they  pass someone on the sidewalk who smiles and says good morning, and their dog licks that person’s hand and sniffs their great-smelling pants… and that miserable person’s view on the world suddenly changes.  Can you see how those two people, and that dog, all belong to each other at that moment?

            My friends, seven billion people belong to each other right now.  When one farmer grows a tomato, when one industrialist dumps poisons into clean water, or finds a way not to, and when one performer makes people laugh till they cry, YOU ARE ALL INTERWOVEN. 

            Sure you don’t see it most of the time, but that’s what I’m begging of you:  Realize it now.

            Because if you understand that every person belongs to every other, then when something goes wrong for someone, the idea that it doesn’t matter because of their race or sex or whatever, gets exposed for the insanity it is.

            I’m a very empathic dog.  Maybe not every other pup out there feels as much for people as I do.  But when a woman is lying in bed or a man is buying something at a shop, and the next moment they’re killed, that hurts me.  And when the powerful say that those deaths are no big deal, that hurts me more.  And when tens of thousands of people go out to protest against this, that makes me very happy (though I do get scared about them spreading this stupid virus if they’re not careful!).  And when some jerks use this as a chance to steal free goods or sneakily exacerbate violence, or some police use it as an excuse to shoot or beat innocent people, or a leader uses it as an excuse to order his people gassed and beaten and then lie about them and what they’re doing, I get furious. 

            Because I belong too.  Those people who were killed, the officers that killed them, the protesters, the looters, the shooters, and even the corrupt leaders, all are part of my world.  And yours.

            Of course, we’ve seen the clearest example of this possible in the past few months.  We all know that the one way you people worldwide can interact without spreading the coronavirus is to wear masks and stay distanced.  Yet we see folks all the time insisting they don’t need to cover their mouths because they have no symptoms and they are strong enough to survive the disease.  But of course they don’t know if they got infected ten minutes ago, and that they might right now pass it on to someone far more fragile.  So why do they refuse to wear masks?  Because they don’t believe that We Belong.  It’s so simple – if you love your grandmother, then don’t take a chance on giving the virus to someone next to you who might then give it to their grandmother.  BELONG!

            This year has been awful for the human race in countless ways.  But I hope and pray that it has at least taught us all something.  A virus that appears in one city can dominate the world.  We Belong.  Worldwide pollution can set a continent on fire and kill untold numbers of people and animals.  We Belong.  And a death that, years ago, would have been easily covered up, can galvanize marchers across the globe.  We Belong.

            I’m not telling you what your politics should be, or your religion, or who you need to like or fear.  I wouldn’t dare.

            But the hair on my back is standing up, and my fangs are snarling out, demanding that anyone who reads this gets the message:  Either humbly realize that We Belong, dear humans, or you’ll arrogantly destroy yourselves and all the rest of us.

            And when we’re all gone, no one’s going to care which of us was a calico cat and which was a Siamese. 

            Be kind and be strong, my friends.  The future can be so beautiful if we can just accept the simple fact: You are you and I am me, and we belong to each other.  End of story.  Forever.

            And for that, I love every one of you,

            Shirelle

How much should one express to someone they meet online (especially during a lockdown)?

PERFECTION asks:

I met this girl on Facebook and she seems nice and all.  It’s been a week and a couple of days since the first time we talked to each other and things are actually going so well. I already told her a LOT of things about me, she seems to be interested about my life, and she also told me a lot about herself too. It’s a give and take situation.  Umm, is it alright for things to be going this fast? I mean, we’ve been calling each other “baby” already and saying “I love you” whenever we’re gonna go or have something to do. I’m just kind of a bit worried if I am going too fast? Is this normal? I told her, “I really don’t know you but, I would very much like to know you more, this may be just an infatuation but it could also be something bigger.”  Was I on the right track saying that to her?  I’ve always wanted for her to know what I wanted and what my thoughts are.  What do you think I should do? Is everything just fine? 

Hi PERFECTION –

I really have two answers for you.  The first is a big shrug, and for one simple reason: I. Am. A. Dog.  I get all excited by people and pups the moment I meet them, and if they smell good and are nice to me I instantly feel exactly what you said to her!  I find you humans brilliant and all, but I have to admit I’ve never understood just why it takes you so long. 

For example, the day I met Handsome, I was a puppy in a cage in a pound with four other pups.  He and I locked eyes, he put his hand in the cage and I chewed on it, and right then I was 100% in favor of a lifetime commitment (especially if it involved getting me out of that cage!).  It took him some hours to decide, but luckily he made my choice.  But for me, it just took seconds.

The issue, for knuckleheads like you and me, is that our immediate excitement can put some humans off.  Handsome liked it, but other people run away from my friendliness and kisses.  You know, the “Dogs are all right, as long as they don’t try to lick me or anything” sort! 

So were you too forward with her?  Did you maybe scare her back a bit?  I don’t know.  Only she does, and only she can tell you what you did right or wrong.

But you certainly didn’t do anything gross or unkind.  You didn’t grab her or force anything onto her. 

So here’s the funny part – instead of looking at this as you doing something right or wrong, how about if you look at it as a test for her?  And if she loves your enthusiasm, that’s yet another reason to like her.  Or if she backs up just a bit, wondering if you’re this way with all the girls, then that’s okay – if just shows she’s smart and cautious, and hopefully she (like Handsome) will come around to you again soon.

But what if she hates what you said?  What if she’s actually repelled by it, “Who does he think he is?!  I barely know this guy and he’s pushing things way too far!”  Well, then that says something else about her.  In particular, I think it says that she might not be the right girl for an exciting, enthusiastic romantic like you!

So overall, my first answer is, No Problem at All, just keep your eyes open to see how she responds.

And my second answer?  My friend, this is SUCH A WEIRD TIME!!!  In normal days you two would have met by now, and shyly, nervously, begun the clumsily beautiful dance that is human dating.  But now, you two are locked up and probably can’t even meet for a while.  So I don’t know if there’s really a right and wrong about how you two communicate (with the exception of sending her something that would truly hurt or offend her, but you’re above that).

It makes me think of an amazing movie Handsome showed me once.  Or rather, the very beginning of it.  It’s World War II, and a British pilot radios down from his plane to give a report, which is taken by a young American woman.  He explains that his plane has been shot, is on fire, and is going to crash, and he has no parachute, so he knows he’s going to be killed in minutes.  The woman is horrified, and pleads for some way for him to be saved.  But there is none.  But as they talk, in this insane level of stress, he falls in love with her and her beautiful caring heart.  And he promises that, if there is life after death, he’ll come find her.  He bids her goodbye, and she suddenly hears no more on her radio.  (The movie is called “A Matter of Life and Death,” and Handsome always insists it’s the best opening of any movie he’s ever seen!  And the rest of it’s amazing too.  Check it out if you ever get the chance!)

This is coming into my mind because, like you and this girl, there’s nothing that pilot and radio operator can say that’s wrong.  He can confess his love, and she can fall for him, and who could fault either of them? 

Now this lockdown will end someday, and you and she will have to deal with each other in a more normal setting.  But for right now, if you’re both happy with what you’re saying, I’d say to keep it up.  What harm could there be?

And of course I WANT THIS TO WORK OUT, BECAUSE IT’S SO ROMANTIC MY PUPPY HEART IS ABOUT TO BURST OUT OF MY RIBS!!!

Please Please let me know what happens!

Shirelle

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