Category Archives for "Behavior"

2 How much alcohol is okay to drink

Freeman asks: I am worried about my health. About 3 times a month, my friend and I share a bottle of wine (half each). We think it’s the only way to go out at night and have fun, by drinking nearly once a week. We have been doing this for the last 7 months. I have a few times had some vodka as well. Is this killing me? How is it affecting me? Is it serious? Please help. Thank you.

Hi Freeman –

Okay, I’ll dare to take on this extremely difficult subject, but I’m going to make a disclaimer first.  If you’re a teenager or child, the fact is you shouldn’t be drinking large amounts of alcohol ever.  Your body’s still growing, and it can cause real damage, and contribute to addiction problems later.  I’m not talking about a small amount you might have at family dinners (and I’m certainly not telling you to refuse any religious rituals you may partake in!), but what you’re describing is a bit more than that.

But, on the assumption that you’re a bit older…

As a dog who finds great joy in everything from garbage cans to fire hydrants, I am not able to look down on anyone for enjoying alcoholic drinks.  Humans have been using and enjoying alcohol for Continue reading

0 How to help kids avoid becoming Delinquents

Shane asks: What are the factors for a child to become a delinquent?

Hi Shane –

If I’m being really specific with words, anyone can be a delinquent.  After all, when you return a library book a few days late, they charge you for “delinquent return!”  Based on that, every kid I’m sure will be a delinquent at some time!

But I’m assuming you’re referring to the term “Juvenile Delinquent,” which was very common in the 1950s, referring to tough teenagers who broke the rules of society.  I guess the best-remembered image of Juvenile Delinquents would be James Dean’s performance in the movie “Rebel Without a Continue reading

4 When is punishment child abuse, and what should one do about it

superlover123 asks: Hi, I am facing child abuse. My mother beats me sometimes and I am left with bruises and scars. I sometimes feel like running away but I know that wouldn’t solve anything. Plus I tend to yell at people a lot without thinking first, but I’m afraid to ask for anger management classes because I don’t want people to think I’m crazy. Please help!

Hi superlover123 –

Thank you so much for your question about child abuse.

Okay, first things first.  No parent has the right to beat their child to the point of bruises and scars.  I don’t know where you live, but in a lot of places that’s completely illegal, and the police can come in and stop it.  If you’re not comfortable just walking up to a police officer, or if you’re not sure about the laws where you live, and you want to write me and tell me where you live (not your address, but the country or state is enough), I can find out who you can call to stop this if possible.  I’m very glad you wrote me about it, and I’ll gladly do whatever I can to help you out.

Now as to the anger management, well of course I think it’s your mother who needs an anger management class most Continue reading

0 What to do about outspoken children

Buffy asks: My daughter is very outspoken. It gets her in trouble in school with her teachers. What should I do?

Hi Buffy –

What a great great question!  It gets to the heart of so much!

You see, I think it’s just GREAT when kids are outspoken!  You’ve probably heard of the rule that was common about a hundred years ago, “Children should be seen and not heard.”  Well I disagree with that completely!  I think kids are brilliant and honest and hilarious, so I think they should be heard even more often!  (Of course I especially think children should mostly be smelled, but I know most humans don’t!)

But I also realize that there are humans who don’t share my view on this.  More importantly, it’s also really important that children are in school, they learn the appropriate behaviors there, which include sitting still, raising their hands, speaking respectfully, and only speaking when allowed.  And the reason these behaviors have to be taught is that they are completely unnatural for Continue reading

0 How to overcome fear of speaking

Eiei asks: I have something wrong in speaking in public. Most people aren’t interested in me when I am speaking. They change the subject. And I think most people aren’t really friendly to me. And then I’m scared by stress. I don’t want to get low marks at University. But trying to attend it, and scared about it. I hope you will help me. Thank you!

Hi Eiei –

You have probably heard the statistic.  Consistently, when groups of people are asked what they fear most, “Public Speaking” wins.  Even over things like Torture and Death!

As a dog, I don’t really have this issue.  The only public speaking I ever do is barking to grab attention.  “Hey there’s someone at the door!”  “Hey squirrels, stay away from my house!”  “Hey doggy across the street, notice me!”  Once I have their attention, I don’t really have any more reason to Continue reading

0 How to deal with kids who run away from home

Isha asks: If you were a psychologist and you noticed that a child keeps running away from home every night and you decided to help that child, what would you do, ask, or say?

Hi isha –

I’m not a psychologist, but I’m sure I’d do the same thing if I were:  I’d work very hard to befriend that child, and earn their trust, and then ask this kid what is going on that makes them want to run away every night.  Lots of kids try to run away once or twice, upset about a punishment or thinking they’re not understood, or even looking for Continue reading

0 How to build self-esteem

jillu asks: Dear Shirelle, I want to get more confident about myself, but I can’t keep my concentration on any work I do. I am totally disturbed. I have an inferiority complex, which keeps me from getting confident; so how then can I become normal?

Hi jillu –

I’ll be glad to give you some suggestions on improving concentration, and I’m all about building confidence and helping with feelings of inferiority – but I want to disagree with you about one thing.  You ARE normal!  MOST people feel inferior a lot, and almost ALL people have trouble with concentration.  Of course, there are degrees of these things, and if your anxiety is truly overwhelming you, I very much recommend you find a good psychotherapist to help you with it (they are really good at anxiety, and can probably get you feeling at least somewhat better within a few weeks).

Okay, first, regarding concentration, check out Rated T’s question about it here (just use the search box).

But with self-esteem…  Everybody is worse at some things than most people.  Most people aren’t the very best at anything.  This is absolutely fine, and does not cast any bad light on anyone’s worth.  I will never be as fast as a greyhound, as big as a Great Dane, or as smart as Lassie.  Big deal!  I know I’ve got some worth (at least to you – you didn’t write that annoying collie, did you!  You wrote ME!).  And I especially know that I have worth to my dearest friends.  They don’t want a smarter or stronger or prettier dog – they love ME.

So you’re feeling inferior.  Well, look at the two of us.  I can almost certainly run faster than you.  I’m very sure I can bite harder and bigger than you can!  But you can probably talk.  You can probably grab things with your hand.  You probably can do math.  You can probably sing.  Well I can’t do any of those – so who’s the inferior one here?!

But you don’t need me to put down your sense of inferiority – if you liked and respected it, you would never have written that letter to me.  What you want is to move past it.  And the best technique I’ve ever heard for that is to master something.  Lots of people never master anything, so they don’t really realize how much they can do!  So is there something that you love?  Do you love music, or art, or building things?  Could you take a class, and learn to play the violin, or make beautiful pots, or rebuild a car engine?  Just the act of doing one of those things will make you feel immensely better about yourself.  And doing it to the degree of mastery?  Oh jillu, you won’t believe how good you’ll feel about yourself!  Like the day I caught a squirrel and brought it in and dropped it at Handsome’s feet as he was climbing out of the shower!  I felt so great!  (It was funny, his reaction wasn’t exactly what I expected though – something more like, um, terror!).

The other thing I really recommend is to try to catch yourself when you say things that put yourself down.  When you walk into a room of strangers, do you tell yourself “No one here wants to know me, I’m unwantable?”  Well, that would be a really good thing to talk yourself out of.  How about replacing it with “I don’t know anyone here, but if I’m friendly, probably someone here will like talking with me.”  It’s not huge confidence, but it’s the truth, right?

And after all these suggestions, I have one more thing I want you to do.  And that’s that I want you to get back to me after you try some of this.  Let me know how it’s going.  I would love to help you with this, and I’m sure it would do a lot of this website’s readers good to see how you work with it.

Deal?  Can we shake paws on it?

Great!  Good Luck, and I hope to hear back from you soon!

Shirelle

0 What makes children bad?

patjo asks: Do you think that children are bad because of themselves or their parents?

Hi Patjo –

Well, I don’t know if this is the answer you want, but my answer to your question is…  No!  Absolutely Not!

I know what you’re asking, but what I’m saying is that I don’t think children are bad!  I think children are absolutely fantastic.  I think children are magical miracles – funny and brilliant and sweet and fiery and… oh they just smell Continue reading

0 How to fit in homework and play

Honey asks: I’m a nine-year-old girl. How can I both do my homework and play, after I get home? I don’t have time!

Hi Honey –

Oh I hate this!  I certainly understand why schools assign kids homework – it gives the students a chance to practice what they’ve learned, and builds habits that will help you a lot later in your life – but I’m a huge fan of play!  I play all the time, and I think kids learn as much from playing as they ever can learn from homework.  So while I want you to do the work you have to, and stay out of trouble (!!), I sure want you to have time to play as well.

What it sounds like you’re really dealing with is what adults call Time Management.  That’s a fancy term for planning out your day, to make sure you get what you care most about done.

So let’s try a pretend day, for an example.  Let’s say you get home at 4:00 in the Continue reading

0 How can a parent find out what’s bothering their child?

SDK asks: Hello, I have 11-year-old daughter and a 9-year-old son. Nowadays I feel my son’s behaviour is very abnormal. He has also become a little bit weak in his studies. He has a habit of reading the newspaper, but he always reads the accident news only! He behaves very rudely to his grandmother also and also become much harsher in his conversation. Some times he speaks of leaving the house and going away. Please, what would you suggest?

Hi SDK –

This is one of those cases where I feel like I’m getting about a hundredth of the information I’d need, to know what to suggest.  You know, those nights when there’s a sound of a rustle in a tree outside, and by the time you’ve run out through the dog-door, you can’t see or hear anything, but there’s a hint of a scent that someone was there, but you don’t know where to search?  (Well, maybe you haven’t had that exact experience.  But hopefully you get what I’m saying!)

Clearly there’s something going on with your son.  I wouldn’t worry about the newspaper bit though – it’s actually great that a kid his age is reading the paper at all, and of course stories about accidents are going to be a lot more interesting to a 9-year-old than debates about the Greek economy or settlements in Continue reading