Susmitha asks: I’m in a relationship with a boy. He is an introverted, nice guy. I trust him very much. We have been in love for three years. We are not married, but we do have physical touch. After some day, I noticed that he had some feelings about my sister. After I asked him, he said that he is loving both of us. Firstly he proposed to my sissy, and she rejected him in front of me. Later he proposed to me to take revenge on my sissy. After she came home, she accepted his proposal but I didn’t know about it. In between that we both had a physical touch (but didn’t go further than that). Over the next three years, he cheated on both me and my sister. We asked him finally whom he wants in his life, who he loved the most. He says that he is in love with me, “I don’t want your sister, I need you in my life. I did wrong but I don’t want to lose you.” They broke up. He promised me after this that after he gets a job, “I will come to your home and I ask your parents to marry you. Until then I will wait for you. Forgive me, I did wrong.” But my sister is not accepting him to be in my life. She says to break up with him. But I don’t want to lose him. I’m so confused. Can I accept him in my life or not. What can I do now? I too need him In my life, and don’t want to lose him, He is somewhat childish, but he is my true love. What can I do now? Please help me.
Hi Susmitha –
Okay, so yes, there’s a real problem here. Your sister is telling you what to do, and you’re struggling with whether to obey her or go with your interest in this guy.
This is one of those situations where one’s culture really matters. I live with my human friend Handsome, in the Los Angeles area in the United States. I haven’t seen any of my siblings since I was a month or two old, so I wouldn’t care at all if they told me to do something. Handsome has a very good relationship with his brother, and neither one has ever ordered the other to do, or not do, anything (since they were children of course). So if Handsome fell in love with someone and his brother told him he had to leave her, that would be extremely hard for Handsome; but there’s a good chance he’d go with her, and hope his brother gained more understanding over time.
But in a different culture, I understand that family is a bigger deal, and disobeying a family member could be catastrophic. So this is why I can’t really answer your question – because I don’t know what you would lose if you disobeyed your sister.
I will, however, tell one story – about Handsome and me. He was dating a woman who had hundreds of great qualities, and he thought there was a good chance they’d marry sometime. But one thing she wasn’t great about was me – she didn’t like me very much, didn’t want me around a lot, and even joked about hoping I wouldn’t live too long. Still, he tried to work things out.
One night, he had her over at our house, but shut me out of the part of the house they were in. She saw my paws sticking under the door, and could tell I really wanted to come in, and asked him about it, and he said this was okay for tonight, but he hoped she’d learn to enjoy having me around more in time. Suddenly she snapped out, “Well who do you care more about? Shirelle or me?” And he sort of froze. The question was odd enough already (one of us was in the room with him and the other was locked out, after all!). But it also frightened him, because when he was a child, twice, his parents felt it necessary to give the family’s dog away. And he deep-down wondered, if he answered “You are, my dear,” she wouldn’t, one day, demand that he prove it, by giving me away.
He stayed in that shut-down place for the whole night, but the next day, at work, suddenly his brain re-connected, and he was FURIOUS. Livid that she would ask that of him. And he came to a simple answer: “The one I’m staying with is the one who’d never ask me to choose between them.” I might not have liked being shut out of the room, but I never would have demanded he kick her out. So, because I’d never ask that, that’s exactly what he did!
I’m telling you this long story, because your sister is reminding me of it. This guy isn’t saying to leave your family, but she’s saying to leave him. If all else is equal, my inclination is to go with the person who loves you enough to let you make your own choices.
But again, I fully understand that there’s a lot to this that I might not know. And I, who love all my pack members, absolutely want you to make your own choice, and the best one for you.
Sending you my biggest hopes,
Shirelle