Arty asks:
A few weeks ago at lunch one of my friends at school told me that someone who I thought was my friend made a story about me on FaceTime (Maybe she was jealous but she also might have just been bored or feeling mean. I’m not sure.). It was about me having sex with someone else who is now out of our school, and us having a child and giving the child away. When I heard the story I went to someone who’s always supervising us during lunch. She’s someone I guess I trust, and we’ve known each other for however long I’ve been at this school, and my friends and I love her and always talk to her. So I told her everything. And this lady I trust called the girl who made the story about me and told her she was very disappointed in her because the same thing had happened to her last year. Then lunch ended and my teacher called everyone who was involved. She talked to us and the lady I trust also talked to us. I was silent the whole time and was on the verge of tears (I had wanted the lunch supervisor to talk about it to the person who made the story, but not to bring my teacher into it and get people in trouble and stuff like that cause I feel people would call me a tattle tale.), but tried not to show it. When they were done talking, I asked if I could use the restroom. I felt vindicated but also horribly embarrassed. When I reached the restroom, I started crying. Then one of my used-to-be best friends but now sorta-friends walked in, gave me a hug, and we both cried a little bit. Then we went back to class. I’m sorta over this, and no one talks about it anymore, but whenever I think about it I feel like I still wanna cry. I don’t know what to do anymore and who to trust or who I can trust. My parents don’t know about this and after a few days no one at school talked about it anymore – which always happens whenever something major occurs. Now I feel like I’m wearing a mask and everyone thinks I’m ok. It’s just so hard not to have anyone to talk to (Sometimes when I say stuff, my schoolmates sorta just laugh at me. I feel like I just can’t get personal with them. And I don’t want to dump my problems on them because I’m sure that they have problems of their own.). And right now I myself feel like I’m being dramatic and selfish.
Then… a whole different story happened! Almost all of my classmates were added to a new group chat a few days ago (including me). And they started talking about a kid in my class. I’m going to name him r. Ok. So they were just talking about r liking every girl in the classroom and wanting to date me! And then they sent a picture of r with like a huge grin on his face and below it wrote r when he sees (I’m going to put j for my name) j. And I’m just like ‘ooook then’… I didn’t really have anything to say so I kept quiet. But with my friends (in a different group chat) were talking about it and stuff. Then r texted in the group chat ‘I like j’ and I was just completely shocked but told myself it was probably a dare or he’s just seeking attention and stuff like that. Then one of my other friends who was not in the group chat with my friends but was in the group chat with the entire class texted me and asked me if I saw the text r wrote. I told her yes. Then she asked if I liked him back. I knew that she was going to ask me and when I answered she would send it to her bestie and her bestie would send it to the whole class. So I just ignored her text. That was during the weekend. So come the school week, everyone is asking me ‘do u like r?’ ‘Are you and r dating’ ‘do you know’ and all that jazz. And one brat told me ‘go kiss r’. My answer for all of those questions except the last one were ‘I’m not going to answer that question’ ‘no’ and ‘yes’ respectively (is that the right word?). Now, my question for u is what do I do? Do I text this boy and ask him why he did that? If it was a dare? Does he actually like me? (But I’m worried that if I do, he’ll take a picture and send it to everyone) or do I talk to him in real life. Or do I just ignore it and wait for it to be forgotten? I will appreciate any piece of advise you have to offer. Thank you!
Hi Arty –
Before anything else, I have one big statement for you: you are NOT being “dramatic and selfish.” You went through something terrifying with that crazy FaceTime incident, and are still trying to make sense of it, as anyone would.
But I’m going to give you a suggestion on how to deal with all this that might sound really odd: Take a deep breath, and do nothing!
Here’s my thought. First of all, it seems quite clear that everyone quickly forgot about that idiotic story about you and the child. It sounds to me like your class looooooves drama, and so is always looking for something new to talk about, so that crazy tale was forgotten as soon as some other nutty one came around!
Secondly, with the story about r, all he’s done was to write that note that said he liked you. Well “like” is a very vague word. I like you and I’ve never met you! But he might mean that he thinks you’re cute (which anyone could say, whether or not they were actually interested in getting involved with you). Or he might mean he has a huge crush on you. Or, as you suggest, he might have just said it on a dare.
Regardless, he hasn’t done anything more about it. And while a bunch of people are asking you how you feel about him (and I don’t know – do you actually feel anything toward him, good or bad?), they’ve probably moved on to other, equally earth-shaking questions, in the seven days since you wrote me. But unless he’s done anything (like talk with you, or even try to get your attention), you have no responsibility in this at all!
You see, you care a lot about what your peers say and think about you, of course. But what you’re not focusing on, or at least not telling me, is what you want. In all the nutty stuff you wrote me about, I don’t hear anything about your excitement or hurt or wishes. And I’m guessing that’s because they aren’t as important to you right now as what the group thinks and feels about you!
So focus on that. Would you like r to approach you? Let him know. Would you prefer he not? Then keep things as they are.
I know it seems the opposite is true, but YOU HAVE ALL THE POWER HERE! Someone saying they like you is a nice compliment but nothing more. People talk all the time about liking pop stars and actresses, who don’t need to respond at all. Neither do you!
You’re just fine, my friend. And what’s cool is that, for the second time in a very short while, everyone at school got focused on you. Think how it would feel to be one of those kids no one ever thinks about! You’re one of the lucky ones!
So stay cool, and take that deep breath — and don’t do anything till you have a feeling that makes you do something. You have the power, and you have the right!
All my best,
Shirellle