What to do when they say we shouldn’t meet because they have too much work.

Tuktuk asks:

I started playing basketball in my college.  I saw a senior at a game. He is 3 years ahead of me. I started liking him. Sent him a request on Instagram. Both our teams went for finals but we lost. That day I started talking to him. Talked to him for the entire night before I slept while messaging him. Then he messaged me during my classes and we talked from 9.30 am to 5.30 pm. In the conversation I asked him out. He said yes and we went for a date that very day at 7pm. We went to a pond area, because I wanted it to be just us. During that conversation he also asked me whether I want something serious or casual. So I said let’s go with the flow because he’ll be gone from here after 6 months and we both wanted to enjoy. We went out and we sat over there and talked for a while and then made out. After that he dropped me and that night we talked about it. We talked every day after that, some days less than usual because of his shifts at the hospital. He doesn’t let me smoke, every time he says no. After 3-4 days my practical exams started and my first didn’t go well. So I called him up and asked him to meet. He agreed but he said either we make out or smoke. So we made out. After that I was coming down the stairs and slipped and fractured my leg. We still talk but our conversations are sort because of his busy schedule. I don’t know why but I always wanna talk to him. Yesterday, he told me everything will stop for the next 5 months because he has an important paper. I do understand how important that exam is but I felt sad, because I wouldn’t be able to talk to him. He said we can meet sometime but I was sad. I don’t know what’s going on and why is he affecting me so much.

Hi Tuktuk –

            I think I have two immediate answers to your final question.  He’s affecting you so much because he’s really likable and he’s really great!  That, of course, doesn’t answer the big question of what you should do, but it’s a start.

            Let me begin with my own special issue:  I hate smoking.  I’ve had cancer myself, which almost killed me, and I love nothing more than running around, chasing people and dogs and other animals, as fast as I can.  Smoking gets in the way of all that.  It tremendously increases your chances of getting cancer, and even if you don’t get that, it reduces your lung power a lot.

            I’m not saying this to preach at you, but just to say… I like his idea, of less smoking and more kissing! 

            Beyond that, he’s someone you were attracted to at first sight, who has stayed in touch and shown interest in you through lots of long conversations… he just sounds great.

            Now, however, he’s suddenly saying your entire relationship needs to be put on hold because of a big paper he has to do.  And not for two weeks, but for five months!

            Well, my dear friend, it sounds to me like he’s gotten suddenly scared.  Nothing else seems to be wrong, but that can be scary too – if nothing’s wrong in a relationship than it could lead to anywhere, even forever! 

            It’s great that he’s a hard worker, a diligent student.  But no one works on their paper 16 hours a day for five months.  He will need a life.

            So my advice is to tell him you miss him already, that you want to be there for him, and you hope he’ll reach out to you when he needs a break from his studies.  But – and this part is super-important – that you also want to give him just the space he needs to do his work.

            If he sees you as a hindrance to his schoolwork, then that will just feed the part of him that’s scared of where things are going, proving that you’re not the right one for him, not supportive enough, all that. 

            But if he sees you as someone who actually helps his life while he devotes himself to his studies… then wow, you’re just the best thing possible!

            I speak from experience on this one.  Handsome has had numerous girlfriends who got jealous of projects he was working on, and he had to let them go.  But I – who was every bit as jealous – stayed around, being there for him when he could see me, and expressing tons of gratitude for his attention.  I don’t mean you have to let him take you for granted – just prove you’re mature and understanding.

            And if you do, my guess is you’ll see him WAY sooner than five months from now!

            All my best,


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