Monthly Archives: July 2020

What to do when someone breaks up with you because they feel not good enough

eimuun asks:

I want to ask you about my relationship with this girl that I really love – well I must say the relationship we had because she broke up with me yesterday.  The reason for the breakup was that she wasn’t in a clear headspace at the moment, and she was also staying stuff like ‘you don’t love me, I’m not your type,’ where there hasn’t been a day in our relationship that I haven’t told her that I love her or ignored her or anything like that.  We were in a long distance relationship, and I tried my best to make her feel special from far away.  She was fine too, until yesterday in a split-second she changed her mind and went “I want a breakup!”  I just don’t know how to deal with this.  I know that she really loves me too, but another thing is that she always speaks about the ex I had from two years ago.  She keeps saying stuff like, “She is better, go to her!” Whereas I’ve had no communication with my ex whatsoever.  It’s like she can’t move on from her (and I’d like to add that she had an ex too).  I just feel really lost at the moment, so can you please suggest something that I could do? I really don’t want to lose her.  And not talking to her feels really bad.

Hi eimuun –

Of course, I don’t know anything about what’s going on in her mind, but I do know one thing.  When you say “in a split second she changed her mind,” you’re incorrect.  No one does that.  Whatever her reasons were, she had been dealing with them for a while before she sprang this on you. 

But I will make a guess about her reason.  It seems to be based, not in the idea that you’re not good enough, but that she isn’t.  Yes I know you’ve been telling her she’s wonderful and that you love her.  But for some reason, she thinks she’s not your type, and that you’d be better off with your ex.

It reminds me of a woman Handsome dated some time ago.  She was blonde and stunningly beautiful, and he had known her quite a while before they got involved, when she had another boyfriend and he had to restrain himself from expressing how he felt about her.  So he would tell her about other women he was attracted to, many of whom were darker than her – in hair, in skin, in eyes.  Then when they were finally dating, she was worried she wasn’t attractive to him, because she was light-skinned and blonde, even though he’d had a crush on her for years!  Nothing he’d say could convince her otherwise!

It’s kind of funny, because even though we’re color-blind, I know very well that I’m a beautiful orange dog, and that anyone who is drawn to me could be equally drawn to a Collie, a Labrador Retriever, or a Samoyed.  The color doesn’t define it!

So my suggestion is to find a way to get together with her and talk about this.  What is it that makes her think you’re not interested?  Is there something she needs that you’re not doing or saying?  (Or am I completely wrong, is she missing her ex and putting her feelings onto you?!)

Whatever it is, your job is to convince her that she’s wrong about your attraction.  But if she won’t allow you to convince her, like the woman Handsome was with, you’ll eventually find you’re better off without her.  It’s sad, but just as relationships need trust in other ways, they need trust in this too.

Best of Luck!

Shirelle



6 The Future Is Now …how to handle the new unreality

…how to handle the new unreality

I realized something this week.  The future is here.

            Of course, the present day is ALWAYS what the future used to be – today is always what was tomorrow yesterday.  And while some things about today are just what we expected (the sun came up today, you are mostly what your parents thought you’d be by now, and people are talking on telephones with visuals as has been predicted for at least a hundred years), some things are not.  Some things are really different from what you guys thought 2020 would be like!

            For example, my human friend Handsome told me that, when he was a child, everyone expected that by now people would be traveling through space all the time.  You’d take flying saucers to work, or vacation on the moon.  No one imagined back then that this decade would be one of just more traffic of cars and airplanes.

            Similarly, futurists imagined everyone would be eating more efficient food by now, not creating awful global problems with overcrowded yards and processing plants for giant populations of livestock.

            And while many imagined people carrying around communication devices they could talk through, I don’t think anyone over fifty years ago remotely imagined that so many people would have portable supercomputers in their pocket, through which they could not only communicate but look up knowledge, play games, and be entertained.

            But there’s one other aspect that has really been on my mind.  You see, Handsome also recently told me about three of the greatest novels of the 20th Century, each describing a frightening future for the world:  Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, George Orwell’s 1984, and Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451.  Each I hear is terrific, and would make wonderful reading for you during this lockdown (and while all have been made into good movies, none of them is said to quite match their books’ horrific brilliance). 

            Each of these writers looked around at the changes the 20th Century brought, and thought, “Uh oh, I see where this is going.”  They envisioned giant, overarching governments that controlled people’s minds from birth, managing their populations efficiently by stifling free expression and thought (For example, “Fahrenheit 451” is the temperature at which paper ignites, which is important to know in a world where all books are being burned!).

            And much of what they envisioned has come true.  Our world does include many societies that censor publications, that lie to their people, that even imprison, exile, or worse people who speak out against their systems.

            So why aren’t these books accurate?  Why, 36 years after the real 1984, is the story so wrong in so many ways?

            Because there’s something else none of these authors (or those of other great dystopian novels from a few decades later, like Player Piano or The Handmaid’s Tale) envisioned.  Something that’s kept their nightmare visions from becoming true, but which has created a different problem than they saw, equally great and equally dangerous:

            Social Media.

            All three of these geniuses thought that all humanity would be controlled by a single-minded group, except for a few rebellious souls who valiantly struggled against it.  But the opposite has happened.

            In societies where governments have tried to lock thought down, rebels have used tools like Twitter and Facebook to share prohibited information and ideas with everyone.  And others have shared movies and documents over the internet that their governments haven’t been able to stop.  For those of us who like to howl freely, this has all looked pretty exciting.

            But at the same time, while it’s been impossible to suppress the truth getting out there, other forces have used social media to spread rumors, disinformation, and straight-out lies to millions of people, mixing it in with the truth to where it’s hard to tell them apart. 

            I don’t know what’s been going on where you live, but here it’s been crazy – and I’m just old enough to have seen the change occur.  For example, every four years, we have a big election for the presidency.  Two elections ago, the main issues were about taxes, healthcare, and defense.  But the last election had all kinds of craziness – posts saying one candidate ran a child sex ring in a pizza parlor, or that another had been videoed with women going pee on him!  Now maybe one, or both, of these could be true.  But we were a long long way from the day when such stories didn’t get released until newspapers and television stations had checked to make sure they were factual, so the people who passed on posts saying these things were real had no idea whether they were right – and they just all went straight into everyone’s social media feeds!

            And since then, we’ve learned that this isn’t just the work of a few lunatics or scandal-mongering haters.  Research shows that big organizations, and even governments, have been working to spread such misinformation all over the world.  Why?  Because chaos gives them the chance to achieve power!

            After all, if I’m in a dog park and someone puts a pizza down, I’m going to have to fend off a bunch of pooches to get more than a bite of it.  But if I can get all of those dogs into a big fight on the other side of the grounds, I can get ALL of that yummy pie just for me! 

            But we’re not talking about a pizza or a dogfight.  We’re talking about the most powerful forces in the world, and the future for all of us – especially for you, who are just beginning your lives’ journeys.

            Four months ago, scientists everywhere around the world gave out almost exactly the same recommendations about this awful virus: Stay distanced from others as much as possible, wash or sanitize constantly, and wear masks to slow the disease’s spread.  And what happened?  Everywhere you looked, disagreement erupted about it, with memes and tweets calling masks a conspiracy, the virus a hoax.  Crowds threatened politicians, even brandishing guns, insisting on their God-given rights to go out with bare faces.

            Why?  Why would anyone do something so stupid?  We dogs will pull on leashes we don’t care for, but we don’t bite our humans and insist on running into traffic!

            It’s because they were told to.  Because those people heard and read TONS of misinformation – about the dangers of masks, about how wearing them would take away their rights, about how the reports of people getting sick and dying were lies. 

            Let’s be clear – the people who originally put this nonsense out are murderers.  Places where people insisted on breaking the rules to frolic together maskless are seeing gigantic rises in sickness and in deaths. 

            If I started a fight in a dogpark so I could get a pizza to myself, a pup could get hurt, or even killed, and that would be my fault.  But getting lies sent around the world to create chaos is way way worse.  And it’s happening, all over the world.

            But here’s the craziest part of it, which I keep seeing.  Those books I talked about before?  People everywhere keep saying that they believe that they came true, but that the brainwashing force is only controlling people they disagree with!  All day I hear people complain “The President lies all the time, and no one catches him at it!” Or “The opposition Deep State controls all the media and everyone’s minds!”  As though only they are smart and attuned enough to realize what the rest of the world can’t see.

            When the truth is that there is no such force.  Sure, there are giant governments and corporations, and there are real conspiracies.  But the overwhelming danger of our time is that facts are disagreed on constantly.  Facts that mean survival to us all.  Facts about science, about medicine, about our leaders.

We dogs can’t do much more than we do now; we need you humans to work together on this virus, on world peace, on climate change – while villains have you debating facts instead of fixing the problems!

            So what to do?

            Well, as with most big issues, I find that the first and most important step anyone can take is to look at themselves.  When you see something posted online, or hear something on the radio or television or computer, that might not be true, do you research it?  Or do you shrug and ignore it?  Or do you pass it on to others?!  If you just do the latter, then you are part of the problem, my friend!

            In my last newsletter, I wrote about how all of us need to realize that We Belong to each other.  But that doesn’t mean you have to like everything that I like.  So if I say I love listening to Billie Eilish, and you think she sounds like three cats fighting over a dead rat, that’s okay.  But if someone tells you that Ms. Eilish kidnaps children and eats their fingers, please, PLEASE, don’t pass that on without making very sure you’re right.  (Which is likely to be difficult!)

            What would be even better is, if you see your friends posting things like this, do some research, and post it as a comment.  “Hey I looked this up and it’s not actually true.  Here’s what I found.” 

            If you can do that, you’re not just showing everyone you’re kind of smart; you’re doing your part as a warrior for truth, and fighting back against the forces hoping to destroy goodness in the world!  You’re an Avenger!

            Does that sound a bit dramatic?  Well, imagine if it were 1940, and the truth were coming out about what was happening in the Nazi camps.  And just as it came out, so did thousands of memes and posts telling everyone around the world that that wasn’t true.  How many more innocent people would have been killed because those posts kept governments from stopping that evil?

            As I write this, nearly 600,000 people have been recorded worldwide to have died from the Coronavirus.  We can be pretty sure that some governments have lied to keep their numbers down, so the truth may be closer to a million.  A MILLION DEATHS.  And how many of those could have been avoided if the truth were simply recognized as the truth?

            And isn’t it interesting that three of the nations whose last elections are known to have been manipulated by foreign false information on social media – Brazil, the United Kingdom, and the United States – are among the countries with the highest death rates, all with presidents who’ve scoffed at the virus and its danger.

            Social Media isn’t going away, and as I said before, it’s accomplished some incredibly wonderful things.  But it’s also enabled an evil that, I’m saying, is the Future we were warned about, but incorrectly. 

            You humans are the most brilliant creatures to have ever lived on this planet, and you’ve found ways to beat nearly every problem that’s ever come to you.  But you’re also the only creatures that know how to lie, and to see through lies.  So the problem you’re facing now is yourselves, and each other – your own superior minds.

            Can you find ways to handle this, to beat it, to create a brave new world where truth is recognized and valued?

            Or will you keep running around in circles of doubt, allowing chaos to be sown and watching the planet warm up to Fahrenheit 451? 

            It’s up to each and every person on the planet.  So please, do your best.  We’re counting on you. 

            Because if you can make this right, what’s ahead is a future, a newer next future, brighter and more wonderful than any future any of us has ever known.

What to do when both people in a relationship have broken the other’s trust

JuicyBest asks:

My boyfriend, after he tracked a phone he gave to me and was actually seeing all my messages, saw when I cheated on him.  He told me it was over, but after persistence and begging, he forgave and now we are back.  But I no longer feel the vibe in the relationship the way it used to be. I kinda feel tensed around though he said he has forgiven, but I still feel guilty whenever we are together.  My Boyfriend isn’t financially stable but I love him.  Sometimes I try my best not to let it get to me because he can barely provide what I want, but sincerely speaking I do love him and we are both in college. I won’t lie, the idea of cheating to foot some bills pops up in. I’m confused and don’t know what to do.

Hi JuicyBest –

Your situation, I’m sorry to say, makes complete sense to me.  I always argue that the most important element of a romantic relationship is trust, and you both have hurt the trust of each other.  Him by tracking your phone and spying on your messages, and you by cheating on him.  This doesn’t make it impossible to make the relationship work, but it does make it a lot harder.

It’s good that you two have agreed to work things out, and it’s even better that you feel guilty about hurting him.  But now comes the big work: Getting the other to trust you again.

See, that’s really hard.  We dogs tend to trust everyone we meet, especially when we’re puppies, but if someone ruins that trust, let’s say by kicking us, we then know they’re capable of hurting us.  And once we know that, it’s impossible for us to believe they’re not capable of that.

So the answer then is to treat us so well, with such consistency, that we choose  to trust you again.  To believe, not that you can’t kick us, but that you won’t

So can you and your boyfriend each promise each other that  you will never do what you did again?  Great.  And then, can you each work really hard, for a long time, to earn the other’s trust?  That’s harder.

So for example, you’re counting on him going to a party with you, and he realizes he can’t make it because he forgot to study for a test.  Should he go to the party anyway, should he lie to you about why it happened, or should he tell the truth (which will lead you to distrust that he’s responsible enough to remember his assignments)?  Hard, right?

And you go to that party without him, and meet a guy, and he walks you out to your car (innocently) and someone sees you two walking out and tells your boyfriend about it.  Do you lie and say it didn’t happen, do you just angrily insist nothing more happened, or do you admit the truth, which makes him mad that you would do something with such a bad appearance, and that’s even possibly dangerous?

In both these cases, the answer is to open up completely to the other, and admit your faults.  If you can do that, you will build a deep trust.  Not that you’ll trust he’ll always remember his assignments, or that he’ll trust you’re always putting out the perfect appearance and self-care.  But that you each want the other to know your truth, and are willing to look stupid, careless, irresponsible, all that.

Because that’s when you’ll start to trust each other all the way.

Handsome and I have each made so many mistakes with each other.  But our trust is built on our knowing that the other wants nothing more in life than for the other to be happy and safe.

You can do this, if you both really want to. 

What do you think?  Is he worth the effort?

Best of luck my friend!

Shirelle

What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend does things deliberately to hurt your feelings

Prince2411 asks:

I made many mistakes in my relationship, I hurt my girl a lot, and I did things I am not proud of, but my intention was never to hurt her. I never crossed any physical limits with any other girl, but over text I said certain things which I shouldn’t have, and I didn’t realize then but now I do. I know how much it hurt my girl, but she is taking revenge on me on purpose, talking to the one person of whom I am so insecure – he affects me mentally and emotionally. I’ve been begging her not to do this to me, not to torture me, but she thinks I don’t know how it feels to her when I do it. She does love me, and I love her a lot, but she’s still doing this. She says she likes talking to him, she’s saying things purposely to hurt me more. She prefers hurting me, rather than blocking him and hurting him. He is a nobody in her life, but I have been with her for almost 6 years.  Please help, I’m getting depressed.

Hi Prince2411 –

There’s an old truism that the opposite of being in love is not hating or anger; it’s feeling nothing.  It’s hard to say there’s good news for you in your letter, but the truth is that your girlfriend a) has not broken up with you, and b) is so affected by your texts with other girls that she’s working really hard to get revenge on you.

In other words, she is showing every sign of being completely committed to you.  And that’s great.

But she’s also getting a kick out of causing you pain.  And that’s not so great!

What you two really need, longer-term, is to work hard to build deep mutual trust.  To the degree that neither of you is all that bothered by the other talking or texting with someone else. 

But shorter-term, you two need to just simply agree to stop knowingly hurting each other.  Now it sounds like you’ve already gotten there, but she feels she needs to do it a little more.  So your job is to let her know that she has succeeded!  That you have learned your lesson, and there is nothing more to gain by doing more of it.  That, instead, her doing more of it will actually push you away (which you realize is what you were doing to her), so that you won’t be hurting anymore.

When I was a puppy, I loved attacking my human friend Handsome and biting him all the time.  He’d yell “Ow!” and get upset, and I found that just fantastic.  But as I grew up, I began to see him as part of me, as my pack leader, and I didn’t want to hurt him anymore.  In fact, now, the few times I’ve seen that I’ve hurt him it’s just ripped me up inside.

I want your girlfriend to get to that place, where I am.  You hurt her by not paying attention to her feelings, and that’s bad, but she’s purposely trying to cause you pain.  If it’s just to teach you a lesson, that’s one thing, but if it keeps going, it could become the new normal of your relationship, and that would be awful for both of you!

So I want you to talk with her, to let her know that she’s succeeded in teaching you, and that now you want a relationship where you both work to make the other feel better, and to build trust.  That means that you have to listen and hear her when she says your texting hurts her, and she needs to understand when her talking to that guy hurts you.

THEN you need to figure out how to live with these feelings.  Can she talk with the guy as long as she’s not saying hurtful things?  Can you text other women as long as you’re not flirting?  In other words, can you two become a successful mature couple?

I would rather die than hurt Handsome, and he’d rather die than hurt me.  You two aren’t there yet, but maybe someday you will.  The time to start that journey is now.

And I think you’re closer to it than you know.

All my best,

Shirelle