How to deal with an ex who cares about you

kacey_79 asks: I really liked this boy, so I got to know him, and he finally gave me a chance. We have had our ups and downs for 3 months now, but now another girl is involved. He told me he still loves me, but he does have feelings for her, and ended our relationship to make things work with her. This girl is way better than me; she is gorgeous and I feel like I wasn’t good enough for him. But the other day I got into a bad situation, and he begged me to come and see me, but I told him I didn’t want to see him. I trust him with everything and I do really love him and I don’t want to lose him, but I feel like I’m being played and I don’t really know what to do. I mean do I keep fighting for him or just let him go?

Hi kacey_79 –

This is a tough tough situation!  I get into this issue with Handsome all the time, where he tells me I’m his special pup, the one in his heart, his favorite thing ever… but then he’ll see some cute puppy and start gushing about how adorable it is and run up and pet it and scratch its ears and rub its tummy and let it chew on his hand and… and I go nuts!  I don’t attack him (that never goes well), but I do run to that little mutt and give the youngster a big dose of barking and growling and teeth and “That man is MINE!”  Just so there’s no question.

Now it’s probably not a great idea for you to go beat up this girl (we pups can get away with that better than you can), but you do need to do something, just to get out of this mess.

I will give the boy credit for one thing; I’m glad he was honest with you about his feelings about her, and glad he didn’t try to date you both at the same time.  In other words, he’s treating you with respect, from the place his head is.

But there’s one thing you said here that upset me a lot.  And I mean, a LOT.  You said, “This girl is way better than me.”  No she’s not.  I don’t care if she looks like Kate Upton; if she’s not a member of my pack, she can’t even be your equal!

Okay, so that’s just in my eyes.  But in truth, she really isn’t better than you anyway.  She’s very pretty, and that’s great for her, but does she have every skill you have?  Is she as smart in every way, as talented in every art, as soulful, as good a friend?  Do you think, if this boy and she weren’t dating, he’d be as concerned about her having a bad day as he was about you?  And haven’t you had some times in your life when you’ve been breathtakingly beautiful?  (If you don’t know, try asking your family members; I’ll bet they can name some)

Look at me.  I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I can’t even talk.  And Handsome thinks I’m the most beautiful wonderful creation there’s ever been.  He’s attracted to women in ways he never could be to me (Thank goodness!  Ewwww!), but he’d never say one is better than me.  And if they try to argue that they are, he chooses me, every time.

So what I want you to do, kacey_79, is two things. First, I want you to write out a list of all the areas you can think of in which you’re better than she is.  Skills, talents, strengths, anything like that.  To get away from this “she’s better than me” mindset.

But second, I want you to sit down and think about what you want.  Again, I don’t think he’s being mean to you exactly.  But if he’s treating you in a way you don’t want to be treated, then just speak up for yourself and say no.  Maybe you need some time where you and he don’t communicate.  Maybe you can talk, but you need to tell him he can’t be important in your life, because you’re feeling less important in his.  And maybe you need him to stay out of your sight!

What matters is that you choose what works for you.  He likes and cares about you, and I imagine he’ll agree to whatever you say.  But make sure you both understand that it’s just temporary.  He might realize that he doesn’t like her all that much and wants to come back to you, or you might get over your hurt and want him for a friend again, or you might both end up dating other people and not care a bit about all this.  You’re still young, and change is the most likely future for both of you.  So don’t try to make anything permanent; just do what’s right for you right now.

It’s all going to get better.  Just be as good to yourself as you’d like him to be to you, and you’re going to be great.

All my best,


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