How to help a friend who’s drawn to the same sort of guy who’s hurt her before

sazuna45 asks: A friend of mine went through a bad breakup two years ago. Her ex (who happens to be a ‘bad guy’ in the most decent language) dumped her on the phone and started dating another girl on the same week! (What an idiot!) Anyways, the problem is, my friend can’t move on. She got asked out by another guy, but she said she needs some time and she’ll answer him later. That guy is better, and he’ll probably take care of her, but he’s also a player. Better than her ex, but still a player. She shouldn’t say yes but she thinks she can move on if she dates another guy! I promised her I’d give her advice before she gives her answer and so I need suggestions from you. Can you please give me some advice? 🙂

Hi sazuna45 –


You know, the more I look at humans, the more I respect many things about them, but also, the more I find some aspects of them really silly.


Now I understand that if I get a chance to eat four pizzas in one night, I’m going to feel really bad in the morning, but if I get another chance to eat four pizzas I’m going to do exactly the same thing!  But when it comes to relationships, I take care of myself better than that.  I tend to run up and jump on people and assume they’ll like it, but if one of them kicks me, I’m going to avoid that person from then on.  And if I sense that someone else is going to be just like them, I’ll tend to avoid them too.  I don’t mean that it’s a great idea to be prejudiced about people, but I do believe in paying attention to what’s really there.


Now your friend has been hurt in love.  Really badly.  And that’s a very sad thing, that most humans live through.  I certainly don’t look down on her for having loved, and having been betrayed.  Sometimes it’s because the other person’s a jerk, and sometimes it’s just bad luck or timing (you’re dating someone and they meet someone and fall in love with them, and have no choice but to hurt you by breaking up, no matter how good they are).  But the one good thing that comes from experiences like this is that one can learn something about themselves.  Some women absolutely love dating players, just like some love narcissists or cheaters or liars.  They find them a challenge, and thrive on the excitement.


Your friend is not one of those women!


Your friend has been devastated by a boyfriend treating her love casually.  She might have trouble trusting even the most wonderful guy in the world.  The thing she needs most is to not be hurt that way by her next relationship.  (Oh there are lots of other things to go wrong, of course.  I’m just saying she should avoid that one!).


So, do I think it’s a good idea for her to go out with someone, anyone, just to help herself move on?  Absolutely.  ANYONE EXCEPT A PLAYER!  Go out with a nice guy she has no interest in.  Go out with a funny friend who is very open about being in love with another girl, who has no interest in her.  Go out with a gay guy!  Anything but the one she’s looking at going out with!


As you know, I don’t preach a lot of religion on here.  But there does seem to be a force that works to teach humans lessons, especially in romance.  And if, for example, a boy dates a vain girl who ignores him, and eventually breaks up with him, I can promise you another vain girl will show up in his life soon, just as a test for him.  And if he dates her, she’ll do the same thing to him, and his heart will be broken again.  And it’ll keep happening until he finally, one day, meets a vain girl he really likes, and says, “No, I’m not going to date her!  I’d rather be alone a while!”  And somehow, after some time, another girl will come into his life who isn’t so vain.  (Again, she might have lots of other flaws, but they’ll be new ones for him to contend with!  He’ll truly have moved on.)


So I think this is exactly what’s happening with your friend.  And so you can be the great pal you are and give her lots of good advice, but it’s really up to her.  If she goes out with this guy, one of two things is going to happen.  Either he’ll prove you right by being a total player, and she’ll feel just awful, or he’ll prove you wrong, and be great.  And there’s no way of knowing just yet.


But if it’s the first one, if she’s hurt again, then that means she just wasn’t ready to move on to the next level in her learning.  It’s like she’s having to take Algebra over and over again till she passes, and only then can she move on to Geometry!


Here’s hoping she’s a quick learner!

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