What to do when your social world falls apart

princess23 asks: Lately I’ve been having some problems with some friends; I want to fix things but don’t know how. I started having some problems with my sister, and thought it was she who was the problem maker but then I actually realized it was my friends, they were even backstabbing my sister in my face and in my opinion that’s not what a friend is supposed to do so I started defending her. Then my sister had a problem with her friend, and at the same time my friend made a huge deal of a really small problem (by the way we were all friends). But I decided to step away from my “friends.” I realized that they were really bossy and treated me and the others as if we were their property. Now everyone thinks we’re fighting and that there’s DRAMA going on. I’ve been hanging out with my guy friends since I don’t have many girlfriends in the neighborhood, but my “friends” brought my guy friends into the drama, I don’t really want to give this thing any importance, not even to my “friends,” but the guys say we should talk to the other girls and fix the problem. But I’m afraid of doing it because I know I can get kinda loud and I know I have a temper (I’ve learned to control it but sometimes it gets out of hand!). What should I do? Should I go talk to these girls? I don’t really wanna be friends with them after realizing the kind of people they are! I mean, why are we girls so dramatic, and make a big deal of something meaningless? Why can’t we be like guys who get in a fight and 20 minutes later they’re all good, like if nothing happened? And is there something so wrong with not having girl friends in the neighborhood and just hanging out with guys?

Hi Princess23 –

It sounds very much to me like you’re going through a “Mean Girls” phase, where your group of friends is working very hard to try to control you, your sister, and everyone else.  And it sounds like you and your sister are doing an excellent job of avoiding all this.

Of course, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with hanging out with the guys (as long as you don’t let them define you any more than you let the girls do).  I also think you’ll find that most of those girls will grow out of this phase, and will become women you really enjoy being around.  You might, like most women, eventually begin to feel that it’s females who’ve got a better handle on self-control, and males who don’t (after all, it’s usually men who start wars, for example).  But for now, you and your sister are doing a great job of sticking with the people who are treating you right, and that’s very very smart.  I think it’ll be good for you to keep an eye on those girls, though – so that, once any of them become as individualistic as you, and aren’t controlled by the group, those can be the ones you talk to, and become good girlfriends with them.  I understand why those boys want you to get along better with the girls, but they need to understand that you have your needs too.

Now, about that yelling and anger thing – I’m all for anger management (and have some postings about it on the website, if you want to check them out).  But sometimes people complain about us getting angry, because they don’t like our honest and appropriate response to their stupidity and abuse!  Reading over your letter, I see you’re pretty frantic, so I’m not sure it would be totally wrong for you to lose your temper at these “friends!”  So I think it makes sense for you to keep your distance for now (since they’d likely treat you badly for expressing your feelings), but at the same time, I think you should like that temper of yours – it’s that anger that will protect you at different times in your life.  Think of it as like my teeth:  If I show them, I can’t make friends; but I’m really glad to know that they’re there when I need ‘em!


I hope this helps, princess23.  And again, I’m really sorry you’re going through all this, and hope it passes as soon as possible.




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