Bella asks: Hi, I am in love with a guy, but he has a girlfriend. They have been going out for almost 4 years now. I’ve tried forgetting about him, but I can’t! They are thinking of getting engaged by the end of the year. The worst part is that she is one of my friends. What should I do????
Hi Bella –
There are some decisions in life where it’s clear that we should do what we want. Then there are those where it’s kind of confusing. And then there are those where it’s clear that we should give up.
For example, let’s talk about lamb roast. Now I loooooooove lamb roast! If Handsome is cooking one, I can smell it even before he starts the oven. And then once the cooking starts, ooooooohhhhhhhhhh that aroma! Luscious!
So let’s say that Handsome has roasted up a beautiful leg of lamb, and while he starts to carve it up for his guests, he hands me a beautiful juicy piece. Should I take it? Of course I should, are you nuts?! I take it and then sit very politely on the floor, with perfect posture and my mouth just non-stop salivating and licking, and hoping for more.
But what if, say, Handsome accidentally drops a piece of that yummy roast lamb on the floor? Should I eat it? That’s a tougher question – he might expect to get it back, and he might be upset if I take it, but he also might be okay with my taking it and just blame himself for being clumsy… and if I don’t take it he might take it back… which means the smartest and best thing for me to do is to be proactive and JUMP on that piece! Even though it could result in him getting angry!
But now, what if he puts it on a plate on the counter, and walks out of the room? Should I grab it then? If I do, there’s absolutely no question, he’ll be furious with me. But it is roast lamb… it might be worth it!
And then a fourth scenario: What if his dinner guest has the lamb on her fork and she’s putting it into her mouth? Should I jump onto her, grab the fork in my mouth, and try to steal that little piece? Of course not! Why? Because the little bit I might get isn’t worth the awfulness of the consequence to my actions.
Bella, if you were interested in a boy who showed interest in you, I’d say that was like Handsome handing me the piece of lamb. If the boy was with someone else but you thought you might have a chance with him, then I’d say it was like me taking the food that Handsome spilled onto the floor. If he’d been with her for years, I’d say it would be like my taking the food off the plate, that you were likely going to get some heartbreak in the process.
But with them getting engaged? Oh my dear Bella, I’m very afraid you’d be jumping onto the table and grabbing that fork! You might lose both these people in your life. So my general thought is to step back, grieve that a guy you really love is marrying someone else, and move on in your life.
With ONE exception. If you think there’s a chance, if you really think he and you are right for each other, and especially (and I mean this very harshly) if it would be worth the risk – if all that’s true, you could go talk with him and tell him what you feel, and see if he has any interest. At least they’re not married yet. It has worked.
But the risk is huge, Bella. And so I really urge you to think first. Remember, there will always be other legs of lamb!