afrakoma prisca asks: I am a girl of 14 years (I turn 15 in October), and I have a date with a 17-year-old. Because people are jealous of us, they always want a separation between us, so they always report me to my mother and also lie. What should I do? Should I leave that person or continue with him?
Hi afrakoma prisca:
I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough experience. There are a few issues here that I think are really important.
First, three years is a long time when you’re 14. So this boy is a lot older than you. Now when you’re 24 and he’s 27, that’ll feel totally normal. But for right now, I’m not going to say you shouldn’t see him, but it’s awfully important that you make sure that he treats you appropriately for your age. Some things seem very acceptable to 17-year-olds that really aren’t for 14-year-olds. I wish your relationship with your mother was better about this, so she could help you define some healthy boundaries. Is there another woman you trust who could help you with that?
Second, are you sure people are jealous of you? It could just be that they don’t want to see you hurt. But if you’re right, and they are jealous, then enjoy it! I love nothing more than making other dogs jealous of how fast I can run, or how pretty I look!
Third, when you say the people report you to your mother, it sounds like she’s saying you can’t see the boy at all. Is there some possible compromise? Would she be okay with you seeing the boy as long as you were with other friends? Is there something about the boy she actively doesn’t like, or is it just that he’s an older boy? A little conversation on this might go a long way.
And last, to your question of whether you should leave him or not… Oh that’s always such a hard question. But even though it seems like forever, maybe one possibility is to hold off dating for a little while. Would it be more acceptable to others after you turn 15 in October? Or if not, is there another point that they’d say it becomes okay? I know this sounds really hard, but the truth is you’re very young, and have your whole lives ahead of you (which I’m sure is what every adult is saying, and boring you like crazy!). This is a great time to learn to compromise. And if you and he are really right for each other, then you’ll probably still be right six months from now.
Good Luck. I know this is the kind of stuff that makes growing up really hard. Just do your best, and I’m sure it’ll come out all right.