0 Should a teenager try to get to know the father who abandoned them?

tinno 06 asks: I am hurting. I really want to know my dad, and I have tried, but I have failed. It hurts me so much that am expected to be like everyone else and forget about him because he walked out on my mum when she was pregnant. Am I wrong to do this?

Hi tinno 06 –

One of the saddest things a human can go through is being abandoned by a parent.  For lots of people, it means they spend their life angry at, or even hating, that parent.  But as you point out, for some others, it’s a different pain – that they want to find that parent and get to know them, maybe even get close to them, while those around them tell them not to.

Deep down, the basic fact is that it’s all unfair, tinno 06.  It just stinks that anyone ever goes through this.  And, given that fact, your job is just to figure out how you Continue reading

0 How should people in conflict speak with each other?

shahzaibj1 asks: What should be the etiquette of speaking, especially in conflict?

Hi shahzibj1 –

What a great question!  Parents spend so much time teaching kids to say “please” and “thank you,” to wait turns, to not interrupt, all that sort of etiquette.  But what about when one’s in a conflict?  What is the best way to communicate then?  Are there rules?

Well, I guess the truest answer is No, that there are no real rules.  People can insult each other, bring up past events, exaggerate, lie…  And those are just in formal political debates!  In regular arguments, people can walk away, slam doors, throw plates, or punch each other in the Continue reading

0 Why are kids at school easier to understand than those in your family?

smart panther asks: As a teacher, why it is easy for me to understand my students, but hard to understand my own kids? Or is it that our own kids just don’t understand our instructions?

Hi smart panther –

I think the answer is pretty simple.  Think about dogs.  I’ll bet you think dogs are pretty easy to understand.  They have a few drives, some friendly, some aggressive.  They want food and play and love, and do what they can to get them.  Right?

But that’s because you don’t know them well.  Handsome has spent years studying me, because he finds me fascinating.  He is absolutely amazed and perplexed by the ways my mind works.  Now I’m not that different from other dogs; it’s just that he’s looking at me so closely.

When you go to your school to teach, every child there has a bunch of Continue reading

0 Is it uncool to hang out with younger kids?

lolly asks: I’ve just moved to a new house and made some new friends. Two of them are seven years old, and one of them is ten. Do you think I’m a bit too old to play with them? All the other teens are laughing at me, but I just don’t want to break their little hearts!

Hi lolly –

This is a great question.  Particularly because it says so much about you and the place you’re at in your life.  There are four important facts here:

1)    You have new friends and like them

2)    Some would say you’re too old to play with them

3)    Other teenagers laugh at you for your friendship with them

4)    These kids really care about you and you don’t want to hurt them.

Cool.  You are in a fantastic place to make a determination about the person you want to be.  And there are a few perfectly good choices you could make (and I guess one bad Continue reading

0 What to do with a child who has rejected the family, and wants to come back

husky asks: My son is 18 years old, and first left home at 17 for 3 months. He returned and stayed for about two weeks, then left again when he was 18. He said he’s old enough and wants his freedom, but at the time he was still in high school. I’m very hurt by this. When he left the first time, I could not sleep and could hardly eat anything. Why was this child doing this? My family brought him home: and I was so happy he was back. When he left again I was heart broken, this is my first born, and I’ve done everything I could possibly do for this child. This has really hurt me and I’m awake at night sometimes crying to myself. Everybody in my family has had their say, but not one of them knows how I feel. I have not spoken to him in 6 months, but now he wants to come back home. He is my son, but he has stolen from me and he disgraced our family name when he left. He said he did not need me and that he had another mother to take care of him. It looks like the world was not the place he thought it would be so he wants to come back home. What should I do?

Hi husky –

What a sad tale this is!  It reminds me of some very old stories, from ancient legends, from myths, and even the famous tale of the Prodigal Son from The Bible.  There’s a lot I don’t know about the situation, but I think I have a suggestion.

First of all, I don’t know why your son left.  I don’t know what he was angry or dissatisfied with.  I do know, though, that at 17, many teens are so Continue reading

0 How to get into the top university or movie studio

Cremy B asks: I’m 15, and about to enter high school in Ghana. My dream is to go to Harvard, but I don’t know how to go about it since I’m still here. My dad, however, is adamant on deciding on my career because he says I’m too ‘defensive.’ He is therefore having second thoughts on it. I really need help if I want to make it there. I don’t even have a passport or a visa and over here it’s quite hectic getting them too. What should I do please? Are there any financial services available for me if he approves? And I also want to go to Disneyland one day, and possibly become a Disney star (I can sing very well and can dance too).

Hi Cremy B –

I love your dream!  In fact, I love both of your dreams, and I don’t want to do anything to get in the way of your dreaming!  But I want to change them in one tiny way: I want you to become a bit less focused on Continue reading

0 What are some acts of compassion from history

MASHOOD asks: Can you name a few major accounts of compassion from history?

Hi MASHOOD –

You bring up an interesting point: Most of the history that gets taught to children doesn’t include much about compassion.  It’s full of battles and wars and vengeance… mostly just the stuff we’re hoping to reduce in the world!

So I’ll throw in a few that I know of.  But it’d be awesome if you could collect a better list than I can!

1)    Saving the European Jews in World War II.  This story does get told, thank goodness.  When the Nazi government tried to kill off the Continue reading

0 Back-to-School Tips

prettyndsweet12 asks: Can you give me some tips for going back to school?

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

I don’t know your exact age or school year now, but here are some tips in general for anyone going back to school:

1)    Try to schedule your time as well as you can from the beginning.  If a teacher tells you on the first day that you’ll have a big Continue reading

0 Time Management for Teenagers

a query asks: I am 17 and have just joined a job, but now my college timings and my job timings are clashing, and I am not getting time to study or be with my friends. Should I leave the job?

Hi a query –

What you’re dealing with is maybe the toughest issue for a 17-year-old: Time Management.  Your brain is still forming its sense of time (it’s the last part to develop in a growing human), which is why, normally, humans arrange for people of your age to live in strictly-enforced schedules (whether that’s at a school, the military, or entry-level job).  Because you’re being so hard-working and responsible, though, you’re having to struggle in this.  And that’s really tough.

The only answer I can give you is to spend some Continue reading

0 How can a parent ensure their child’s happiness and safety after they’re gone

sos asks: How can I ensure the safety and happiness of my child after my death?

Hi sos –

Of course, your question is one that every parent in history has asked.  Although some other animals only nurture for a short time (like us dogs), or don’t nurture at all (“Hey I laid the eggs, you’re on your own now!”), humans have a gigantic protective instinct that kicks in during pregnancy and never leaves.  Can you imagine any other species insisting on getting together every year for holidays, or leaving inheritances of property to their young?!

This is one of humans’ greatest qualities.  I suppose it exists because human babies are born so early, compared to other species.  We puppies are able to walk almost as soon as we’re born; most humans take a year to learn that skill.  Imagine what would have happened to any human baby who didn’t have at least one parent who wanted to stick around and take care of them for more than a month after birthing them!

Because of this instinct, every parent wants to ensure that their children are safe and happy throughout their lives (I know some readers will point out that there are parents who don’t seem to have this instinct at all, and abandon or even abuse their children.  I would argue, however, that those parents are in conflict with this instinct inside them, but it is still there).  And that wish continues, as you express in your question, to after their own passing.

So is it possible to ensure this?  Of course not.  A parent can’t guarantee that their child is safe in a car next to them, or on a playground with them watching, or even in their own house.  And no one can ever guarantee happiness, for themselves or any other person.  At any time – much less after they’re gone.

What a parent can do, however, at any and all times, is their best.  They can do everything in their power to help their children have the possibility of safety and happiness.  Here are a few suggestions for ways to do this for your children, given the assumption that they will outlive you.

1)    Leave a will.  As the old line says, you can’t take it with you.  If you have any money or property, arrange to have it bequeathed to your children when you’re gone.  And the more you can do to make sure that it’s fairly distributed, if you have more than one beneficiary, the better!

2)    Give them self-esteem now.  We hear every day of rich kids becoming drug addicts, alcoholics, etc.  Money sure didn’t keep them safe.  Whether your values are religious or intellectual or even purely social, you are the person who has the most power over your kids’ views of their own value and importance.  Let them know how special they are.  Let them know what you hope for, and expect from, them.  And let them know that, when you go, their happiness and safety will be all you’re hoping for.

3)    Live a good life yourself.  If your kids are stuck with cleaning up a big mess of debt, guilt, and shame from your actions, that’s not helping them towards happiness and safety.  But if, instead, you leave a legacy of kindness and honesty, all they’ll have to do when you go is grieve.  Which they’ll likely have to do a lot!

4)    Leave the world a better place.  You can’t control everything in the world – no one can – but every time you throw trash out into nature, or shame a child, or commit a cruelly selfish act, you make the world a worse place for the future.   See if you can live a life such that, at the moment you leave this life, you can look back and say that the world was better for you having been here.  If so, that means a better world for your kids and theirs.

5)    And here’s my favorite – write them a letter.  If it can be book-sized, so much the better.  Tell them what you’ve learned in your life.  Tell them the mistakes you made, and what you think you should have done differently.  Tell them the best decisions you made (which might include having had those kids!).  Tell them what you did differently from your parents, and how you hope your children will make different decisions to yours.  And tell them what you feel for them.  That gift would, I think, do more than anything else to make their lives better after you’re gone.

Though, yeah, money never hurts!
Thank you for the wonderful question!

Shirelle