Why do teenagers get depressed?

Tulla123 asks: Dear shirelle, I think I’m starting to go through depression. I think this because of my mum; at the moment she constantly hates me. I feel like I’m worthless and I don’t want to live with her anymore. Usually I would just ignore it, but I’ve got to the stage when I sit in front of the mirror and ask myself “who am I?” I’m only 12 and I don’t talk to my dad so I can’t move in with him. I’m worried I’m going to get to the stage where I want to kill myself. How can I stop this from happening?

Hi Tulla123 –

 

It sounds to me like you have two things going on at the same time.  And both of them are very tough.

 

The first is just what you say – you’re feeling unloved by your mother, and you have no relationship with your dad.  This is HARD!  No question about it!  I believe you’ll get through it just fine, but this is really painful and difficult… and UNFAIR.

 

My guess is that your mum doesn’t really hate you.  She’s just Continue reading

8 How to Catch a Squirrel …the importance of optimism…

How to Catch a Squirrel …the importance of optimism…

As you know, I spend most of my time sleeping, sniffing around, cuddling up with Handsome, and hunting.  It’s a good life.

 

But sometimes I like to pay attention to new research.  For example, an interesting study just came out from University College London.  They had some people guess the likelihood that something good would happen to them.  Maybe they’d say “a one-out-of-five chance.”  Then they told them that the odds of that thing happening to someone was twice that.  And when they did, most of those people would change their minds, and figure that now their chances were better, say “a two-out-of-five chance.”  But when they told those people that the odds were worse, say “a one-out-of-ten chance,” they found that the people did not adjust their beliefs about that good thing happening to them.  They kept it at, say, one-out-of five.

 

This says a lot about you folks!

 

To put it in less confusing terms, what they found is that people are naturally optimistic.  You humans will take good news as proof that things are getting better, but take bad news as not so bad.  Some people will say this means people are stupid, or can’t learn.  But I disagree.  In fact, I think it’s necessary for you to be this way.  You see, it all comes down to Squirrel-Chasing…

 

We pups are programmed deep in our brain to chase animals.  And those of us who live with suburban humans usually don’t see a lot of antelope or monkeys to chase… but we see a lot of squirrels.  And where I reside, these sassy, chattery, rude little beasties like to run over my roof and make all sorts of noise.  And so, just like any other dog, I just live to chase them every chance I get.

 

Now that means I might chase five or ten squirrels a day.  So how often do you think I catch one?  Once a day?  Not on your life.  Once a week?  Nope.  Once a month?!  Uh uh.  Try maybe once a year.  Mathematically (and no, I couldn’t figure this out, but Handsome is good with numbers), that means my odds of catching a little seed-nabber are somewhere between eighteen hundred and three thousand six hundred… to one!!!

 

Now those are some pretty awful odds.  But does that keep me from chasing them?  No Way!

 

Because I know that every time I chase one of those little guys, there’s a chance I’ll get him.  And even though the chances aren’t very good, I know that the more I try, the faster I get, the more tricks I’ll learn (like guessing which tree the varmint will run to), and the better those chances get.

 

Meanwhile, this also gives me some added benefits:  my life stays fun, I don’t get so bored when Handsome’s not around, and I stay beautifully fit from the exercise!  While, if my brain concentrated on the probability of my failing to catch one of these little monsters, I’d sit around home lazy all day, depressed, lonely, and fat.

 

In fact, do you know what the definition of “depression” is?  It’s having the exact opposite of that natural optimism you guys and I tend to have.  It’s lacking hope, lacking the belief that things will go your way, and seeing no reason to do anything because things are just going to stay lousy, or even get worse.  It’s just as unrealistic as the optimism, but without the fun (and without the occasional triumph of a squirrel in your clutches!!!).

 

So here’s my theory about all this: Some people, and some dogs, have always been more or less optimistic.  But over time, the people (and the dogs) who weren’t optimistic enough to believe in possibilities better than the reality they faced didn’t survive!   They had to believe things were a lot better than they were, in order to make things a little better than they were, throughout history.  Really, it was the only way to make their lives any good at all.  So that optimism, to my mind, isn’t a weakness; it’s a strength!

 

However, meanwhile, there’s another side to all this.  Some people, using this same optimism, will say that nothing bad will ever happen to them.  They’ll drive drunk, or take dangerous drugs, or get into relationships with bad types, thinking they’re safe, when they’re really not.  So that that same optimism that makes some lives better can make their lives worse – or even end them!

 

So here’s my request for you, my dear friends.  Let your optimism make you try way harder.  Let that optimism get you to take daring risks.  Let it make you brave and romantic and impetuous.

 

But don’t let it make you stupid.  Don’t let it make you forget how valuable you are, to everyone who loves you today, and everyone who might meet you in the future.

 

You see, if I chase a squirrel in my yard, Handsome has no trouble with it (though I often sense he’s cheering the squirrel on to get away from me!).  But if I chase a squirrel across a street, it makes his heart stop.  He’s terrified.  He knows I could get hit by a car anytime, and it scares the daylights out of him.  And I know he’s right – but I also forget, because that squirrel (or cat, or whatever) is right there, running, in my sight.

 

So my request to you is the same as his to me:  Run like crazy and live your life to the fullest.  But don’t take risks that are too foolhardy.  Use your brains.

 

And live to be optimistic another day!

How to help a friend who’s an addict

pumpkin asks: My best friend is using illegal drugs. He once went to a rehab and was successful in overcoming his addiction. But few days back we had a big fight and he started doing drugs again. When I got to know this I tried my best to make him get out of this, but I’m no use to him. I have become hopeless. I don’t know what I should do to make him clean. He too, for me, tried to get rid of this addiction but he has become powerless. He has lost his strength. He now has no power over his addiction and he has admitted this thing! So he tries no more for it! He often thinks of suicide now. He can’t stand how he is hurting his loved ones. His heart is pure, but these drugs are ruining his life – and mine too! He does not want to go to rehab again; he says he’ll become mad over there if he has to stay for six months! I can’t see my best friend crying daily in front of me. He had good plans for his life, but now he has become hopeless. I want to do something for him. Please help me through this?!

Hi pumpkin –

 

This is a universal problem.  I heard someone say recently that, in my country at least, one out of every ten people suffers with some sort of addiction. This is simply awful.

 

You see, people often miss the point about addiction.  They say it’s fun to go have a drink, and so there’s nothing wrong with having fun.  I agree with that (as any dog would!).  But addicts don’t take their substances for fun – they take them because they lose their ability to not take them – even if they don’t want them.

 

So, for example, I love chicken broth.  I’d eat it every day if I could.  But that’s not an addiction.  But if I found out one day that eating more chicken broth would put my life in danger, would make me do awful things, and hurt or even damage those I love – and I still lapped up that broth, because I couldn’t keep myself from it… THAT would be an addiction.

 

Your friend is living through Hell on Earth, pumpkin.  And it is impossible for that to not be affecting you and anyone else who loves him.  This situation is so incredibly sad.  I am so very very sorry.

 

Your friend also gives a perfect example of the insanity of addiction, when he says that he’s thinking of killing himself because he feels so bad about how he’s treating his loved ones, but he won’t go back to rehab because he hates it there!  This makes no sense.  But addiction, by its nature, overrules the part of a person’s brain that cares about making sense.

 

So you are in this horrible position, and are asking me what to do, “to make him clean.”  I hate to do this, but I have to give you the worst answer in the world:

Continue reading

How to keep from getting over-stressed

Max asks: Everything I do, like any task in hand, I tend to get hectic when I perform that task. For example, just now I forgot my password for this site, and then after out of nowhere I started getting hectic – couldn’t calm myself even doing the simple thing of opening my email and clicking the link! How can I keep myself collected when I feel kind of hectic?!

Hi Max –

 

 

Oh wow, do I relate!  I’m not quite as hyper as when I was a puppy (then I was a complete turbo-engine!), but I’m still a dog with tons of energy, and I get absolutely wild at lots of times.  Some are obvious (when I see a cat or a squirrel in our yard, or when someone comes to the door), but others are, well, frankly, a little weird.  Like I’ll be in the car with Handsome, and we’ll be driving along, and I’m checking out everyone we pass, perfectly happy and content, and then suddenly I’ll see one person and start barking like crazy at them.  Even I don’t know why!  It just happens!

 

The most important thing for you (or me) to do in a situation like this, Max, is to be Continue reading

What to do if you think you’re bisexual

Bosho asks:  I have been recently conflicted in the romantic sense.  I am a teenager who always thought I was straight.  However; I have became friends with this guy whom I really get along with.  We have hung out a few times and it has been really nice for me; I feel really happy with him.  But, whenever I think about it, I get really confused about the whole thing.  I feel I am bi-sexual but he is openly gay.  I also don’t feel I can express anything with my other friends, even my closest friends.  I am so scared that they will abandon me in this situation.  This has been plaguing me for the past few weeks and I really want to know how I can solve it.  I feel I should talk to him about it and get his opinion about the matter.  I feel he would listen to what I have to say, but I have a “I don’t want to rock the boat” nature and I don’t want to offend him or hurt his feelings.  Even though this is holding me back big time, I still want to solve this issue.  I figure that my options are talking to him about it and possible ceasing our friendship or worst of all, coming out as bi-sexual and facing the likely harsh consequences of doing so.  

Hi Bosho –

I am a dog.  I have no concerns about who is “normal” and who should be attracted to what sort of person.  I only care about my Pack Members being happy.  And it’s clear that you’re pretty confused and frightened right now.

Studies say that somewhere between 2 and 5% of people identify themselves as bisexual, and many more women experiment with bisexuality (and we can guess that at least that many feel it but don’t admit it).

You ask what you should do.  I would say to Continue reading

What to do when love fades out.

brena asks: My boyfriend does not spend time with me. He hardly texts or even calls me. I used to love him, but now my love for him has died. I want to leave him, but we have been through so much, it’s kind of hard for me to do. He is the best boyfriend I have ever had, and he used to show me how much he really loves and cares for me, but not now. I am really hurt. He keeps accusing me of cheating, which I would not do – but it has got to so I’ve thought about it (but I won’t do it because I know it’s not right to do such a thing). What do you think I must do? I really want it to work, but does he? It hurts!

Hi brena –

 

 

Your letter makes me think of a squirrel I was chasing a few weeks ago.  I was having the best time chasing it, and then I caught it, and was so excited.  And I grabbed it and threw it in the air, and it was all scared and yelling at me, and I threw it in the air again, and it was chattering and yelling at me, and I grabbed it in my mouth and shook it really hard… and it went limp.

 

Now I know that the goal of hunting small animals includes killing them – that’s part of being a dog.  But I didn’t really want the game to end.  But what I wanted really didn’t matter.  The fact was that this squirrel was dead, and there was nothing I could do about it.

 

You and your boyfriend sound like you’re in the same situation as I was.  You had wanted this relationship, and for a while, you were both really enjoying it; you loved each other, you were good to each other, all was great.  But then it kind of died.

 

And now, your boyfriend isn’t in touch much.  And he accuses you of cheating.  And you’re even thinking about it.  And neither of you wants to be the one to say the relationship’s over, but… it’s really just a dead Continue reading

How to talk to someone whose party you skipped

problempup asks: My friend had this birthday party and invited all my friends, including me, and everyone said yes except me. So everyone went and I didn’t, and now I feel that none will talk to me anymore. This was the biggest party ever –she even got a limo for it. How should I react to this?

Hi problempup –

Thanks for your question about your friend’s party (and I really apologize for taking so long to answer it; Handsome was out of town for the holidays and I couldn’t turn the computer on with my paws!).

I guess I’m a little confused here.  Your friend had a really great party, and invited you, and you didn’t go?  Why was that?  I’ll throw a few thoughts at you, but until I know why you didn’t want to be there, I’m not sure if my ideas will be right.
First of all, there’s a really important issue here, that I talk about a lot, because it’s so important.  When children’s bodies grow, so do their brains.  And when a human reaches about sixteen years old, their brains are fully developed, with one exception.  And that’s the part of their brain that has a conception of Time.  Teenagers are brilliant and passionate and creative and glorious – but don’t have the sense that adults do of the effects and meanings of time.  (This is why Shakespeare made Romeo and Juliet teenagers.  If they’d been in their 20s, they would have just made plans to sneak away, get married, wait for their parents to cool off about it, and all would have been fine; instead, they had that “It’s now or never, there’s no tomorrow, we have to get married tonight” attitude, which was good for the play, but pretty rotten for them!)

So my initial advice to you is to stop worrying so much; while this is a big deal today, there’ll be another big deal tomorrow, and no one will even remember that you weren’t at the party.  In fact, over time, I’ll bet a number of the guests will remember you were at the party, even though you weren’t!

Secondly, though, if you offended anyone, it is only the Continue reading

Leashes! …the odd nature of love…

Leashes! …the odd nature of love…

How often do I hear humans – humans who aren’t dog-lovers I should add – talk trash about how stupid we dogs are when we get wildly excited at the sight of a leash.  “You see?  Dogs are so dumb, they’re happy to see that thing that’s going to tie them up and hold them back.  They don’t have real self-respect at all.”

What a bunch of hooey!

Now sure, when we’re young, and first getting trained on leashes, we fight them like crazy.  We’ll pull on them till we nearly collapse from choking, we’ll bite and paw at them.  And, embarrassing as it is to admit, we’ll have tantrums as bad as any two-year-old human, where we roll around on our backs, screaming as though that leash were torturing and killing us.

Sure we do that.  It’s part of growing up.  We have to rebel, just like human kids, to test our limits – to see if there’s anything we can get away with.  (And just as with human kids, we usually find that there’s a lot we can!)

But once we’ve gotten through that, and especially once we’ve gotten trained well enough that being walked doesn’t mean we’re constantly being yelled at or jerked…  leashes become something we absolutely love!  Leashes mean walks around the neighborhood, so we can smell all the things we’ve been curious about since we were last there.  Or they mean trips to other places, for nature hikes or fun restaurants where we can sit under the table and catch food when you guys clumsily (or kindly on purpose) drop it onto the ground.  Or they could mean any other number of things – going to friends’ houses for play dates, going on a real vacation where we drive for days (or fly, though I’ve never done that).  Really, they mean two things – Getting Outside of Where We’re Locked In – and Being There With Someone!

Don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out with Handsome in our home.  And I love sniffing around by myself.  But how much more fun it is if he takes me on a trip – whether to the mountains or the beach, or just a hamburger stand.  We pups spend so much time alone at home (and that’s if we’re the lucky kind who live with nice owners, instead of at a shelter or in a lab), so it’s always a treat to get to be out with others.  Even a trip to the veterinarian (which makes me shudder) is more interesting than just hanging out next to the couch.

 

Now this much is absolutely true.  But I’m really writing this because of something else those stupid comments from people make me think about.  Which is: you aren’t all that different from us!  Humans have lots of leashes, and absolutely love them.  How many of you wake up in the morning and instantly check your email, or your mobile phone?  Sure, you could have a more relaxed, pleasant morning.  But you are tied to other people, and want to connect to them – and be at least mentally out from your comfortable home – at once.  What happens if you leave the house without that phone?  Do you feel “oh good, I’m free,” or do you feel disconnected, nervous, almost naked?  “What if someone called and I wasn’t there to answer?  What if someone needed me?  What if that person I’m really into texted to ask me out for tonight?!  AUUGGH!!”

And then there’s that other really obvious kind of leash.  The kind that humans put on each other’s finger.  The kind that says “I am pledged to this one other person, for the rest of my life.”  That’s a huge leash!  And one that we dogs, with our innate loyalty, relate to fully!

 

And this is precisely my point.  Why do we get excited about leashes?  Because we associate leashes with love.  Just the way you get excited when your phone buzzes to tell you a text has come in, or your heart skips when someone you really like walks up and asks you for a favor.  And just the way you all get all soppy and teary-eyed when you watch two people exchange rings and promise to be each others’ forever.

 

We’re not stupid, you see.  Leashes are just the visible version of the much stronger ties that bind our hearts to yours, every minute of our lives, and beyond.

How to be good at dance parties

xxyte asks: I always go to these discos/parties every month (the discos/parties are for my age in case your wondering), but this month loads of people in my year in school are going – and I’m such an awkward dancer (I’m okay when I don’t know the people there) and the ‘popular’ girls are going to this and so I’m really nervous. I would just not go but the guy I like is going, so could someone PLEASE give me advice on how to dance and act at a disco/party for teens? And how to chat to the lad you like at it? It’s a no-alcohol event by the way.

Hi xxyte –

 

I really have two sorts of advice for you, and they’re completely the opposites of each other.

The first is to find a school or teacher near you who can teach you basic dancing really quickly.  To be the best dancer in the room, and no longer awkward.  And similarly, to get someone to help you with social skills like talking to cute guys (maybe a therapist).  But the problem with both of these is that they take time.  And you’re in a rush.

Now you point out that this is a non-alcohol event.  Lots of adults use alcohol to ease their anxiety about occasions just like this.  Drinking helps them feel less worried about what they say, so they talk more freely (and then sometimes say waaaaaay Continue reading

1 How to make an apology

Mandhie asks: I have had crushes on other guys that last for a few days, but I have liked this one guy for five good years. At times, I can feel he likes me, and at others, I feel he doesn’t. Recently, I asked him to come over and he did. We took pictures, and I walked him about halfway home, till I got tired. The next day, I sent him one of the pictures we took, and asked him if I could use it as my Facebook profile picture. He said I should never do it, so I said okay. Then, I sent the picture to his “school father” (it is something playfully done in schools in my country; they act like your caretakers in school. Now the whole point is that people tease us both that we like each other. I like him, and I know he likes me, but he hasn’t confessed anything to me – and as I said before, he gives me mixed signals. So now, he is angry with me because I sent that picture to the other boy. Now, I don’t know why I sent the picture, and seriously speaking, I like it when people tease us; and that was what I wanted, for the boy to tease me to make me feel like he likes me, but it didn’t go the way I planned. He saw it on Facebook (because another friend of his school father took a screenshot of the picture and put it online). And now as I am writing, we are not talking, and it hurts. I have said I’m sorry a thousand times, but he is neither replying to my messages nor calling me. I have offended him before, and I feel so bad because I feel the way he feels for me might change. I know he likes me because he acts shy and doesn’t look at my face when we are talking, but I do look at his face. I don’t even understand why he is so offended! You have no idea how I feel right now; I am afraid he will be taken away by another girl. I love him so much. Please help. I don’t want him to leave my life.

Hi Mandhie –

 

Mandhie, I won’t pretend to understand nuclear physics – no dog does.  But I know that the basis of the atom bomb came when humans learned how to split an atom, which then set off energy that split the atoms around it, and those the atoms around them, and so on, creating enough energy to destroy a city.  All from the energy inside a tiny weensy atom.

 

Well, my dear friend, that little picture was just an atom, but it seems that, in this boy’s world, you set off an atom bomb!

 

You say in your letter that I have no idea how you feel.  Actually, I probably have a pretty good sense of it (kind of like the day I, as a puppy, felt like chewing on something and found a piece of cardboard very handy, only to discover later that it was the cover of a decades-old record album that Handsome really treasured, as he screamed as he grabbed me and heaved me through the air).  What I don’t have a good sense of is what this boy is feeling.

 

Why is he so upset?  Is he just super-private?  Is he worried because he likes another girl and doesn’t want it to look like you and he are a couple?

Is he embarrassed, because he likes you and doesn’t like having his feelings shared around publicly?

 

From what you say, I think there’s a Continue reading

1 72 73 74 75 76 147