How to make friends when you have anxiety from being mistreated your whole life.

Roma asks: I am not part of a very good family relationship. My mother lost custody of me last year and I’ve been devastated ever since. I seem to have these breakdowns and anxiety every couple days or even more often than that. I have a decent life outside of home, but my grades aren’t great because I have no one who helps me with my homework. I get by with the whole homework situation fairly easily on my own, but now I seem to miss at least two homework or classwork assignments every single day. And I don’t even know the rules of my own school because when I started the school, my grandparents, whom I live with, just tossed the information we were given without acknowledging it. I intend to learn them, but am afraid to ask anyone what they are. I have ADHD and ADD and my hearing and sight are very bad. However, only my eyesight has even been thought about by my grandparents. I suffer from bad re-flux as well, and as you have probably guessed, they don’t care at all. But anyway, the question is: we have a field trip in May and my anxiety is so bad that I start hyperventilating at the thought of just about anything. The field trip is to the mountains. We’ll have fun I’m sure, but how do I prevent or reduce the effects of these serious breakdowns? I’ll be with thirty other sixth-graders, only three of them being my friends, and we are there for a week, 500 miles from where I live. I just don’t know what to do.

Hi Roma –

 

My friend, you are going through a LOT.  I know, no one ever said life was supposed to be fair, but your situation is simply UNfair.  I don’t know what your mom did or didn’t do to lose custody of you, but whatever it was was unfair to you.  The fact that your father is so not in the picture that you didn’t even mention him here is unfair to you.  And the fact that your grandparents – who at least are qualified enough to keep you – aren’t paying attention to everything you’re dealing with… is unfair too.

 

Then there are the other issues – the ADHD and ADD, the hearing, the eyesight, the reflux… and all this is SO unfair.

 

Which is all going to make my answer to your question sound weird, or even unfeeling.  Because I’m going to tell you to Continue reading

How to get a child to be willing to sleep alone.

Linda asks: Hello Shirelle, My questions have to do with my little granddaughter . She will be 4 years old soon and I am concerned about her emotional development. All of her short life she has not slept in her own bed not once. Her father and mother never married and are now separated. She lives with her mother who is a very good mommy. My concern though is that she is not allowed to sleep alone in her own bed in fact her mom never used the crib or even converted it to the youth bed for her. She has no bed of her own at all. She can’t sleep by herself even when she visits her dad who has provided her with her own room and bed. When she visits me overnight she needs to have me right there with her. She has severe separation anxiety regarding her mother but as soon her mom leaves to work or out the door she’s calmed down. I sense something is not right but I am not sure. Is all this just normal?

Hi Linda –

When Handsome first brought me home, he read every book he could find about raising puppies.  And while they had lots of different advice, one thing they all agreed on was that humans shouldn’t let puppies sleep on their beds, as it just creates problems.  But Handsome didn’t follow that rule.  He understood the problems they were concerned about, but he wanted his dog to sleep on his bed; he liked the idea of us cuddling up together at night.

And it’s been great, for both of us.  But the only reason it’s been good is that he never wanted me to stop sleeping there.  If he had, that could have gotten really difficult.

The problem your daughter has created is that, like me, her daughter is used to falling asleep next to an adult human.  And she doesn’t know how to sleep by herself.

As with a dog, this is a problem, but not a giant one.  What needs to happen – someday – is that Continue reading

4 The philosophy of Chuck Berry.

Bye Bye Johnny …a philosopher of the joy of life…

(Now you all know about Handsome, right? My human, the guy I live with, and who I love more than anything? And who loves me more than anything?

 

Well, nothing’s changed about that, thank goodness. But of course, I’ve never been the only thing he loves. He has favorite movies and foods and cars, just like most humans. And of course, he has favorite music.

 

In fact, as you can probably guess (as he named his puppy after a singing group), music is one of his greatest pleasures. And the songwriters and singers and instrumentalists who create his favorite music… why they’re just earthly gods to him, almost as great as dogs!

 

And while he has introduced me to all kinds of sounds, from stately classical symphonies to sweet sentimental ballads to noisy gangster rap, whenever anyone has asked him who his favorite musician, favorite performer, favorite entertainer ever was, he’s always had the same answer. A man who didn’t put out all that much material in his long life, but what he put out was so magical it changed popular music forever, rolling Beethoven over and telling Tschaikovsky the news.

 

Maybe you’ve guessed already? Yes, a few weeks ago, we lost him. One of the most brilliant artists who ever lived. The Amazing Chuck Berry.

 

Most of what you hear about him is how he was one of the originators of rock ‘n’ roll in the 1950s, how he came up with new ways of playing guitar, or how his songs had such clever poetry about everyday life. And all are true, but these are like saying Picasso gave women three eyes or Michelangelo was good at ceilings – they leave out the pure soul and brilliance that filled his art.

 

And here’s the craziest thing about this. Handsome says that, beyond Berry’s genius with guitar, songwriting, dancing, and singing, what he loves most about him is the spirit in his songs – a spirit he insists is a lot like MINE!

 

So I’ll admit that, as a dog, I just can’t write this. I like music and have written about it here before, but for this one, I’m going to turn it over to Handsome and let him write his first Pawprint all on his own. And maybe he can explain to you what he’s talking about.

 

Love and Licks,

Shirelle)

 

 

 

 

 

(written by Handsome)

 

My dog Shirelle says that she can’t really talk about Chuck Berry, that he didn’t affect her life that much. But I disagree. When she was a puppy, she was vicious with biting, and my only way to control it was to play tug-of-war with her, with a huge rope. And if music was playing in our home, it might turn into a kind of dance. Slow, fast, cheerful, sad, whatever.

 

But no matter what I was doing, if Chuck Berry music came on, her heart rate shot up like a rocket, she’d grab the rope and run to me, and the dance became a tornado. That guitar, those drums, would shoot into both our hearts like lightning bolts, and she and I and Chuck would all become one. One glowing testament to the thrill of life.

 

Which, of course, Shirelle tends to be all the time anyway. And she shares his music’s mix of joy and sadness and anger – sometimes all at the same time. And the way that two beats can exist at the same time too, creating something magical and far truer to life than a simple unified drum machine (piano laid back and guitar firing forward, like the hilarious way sometimes her back legs and front legs seem to be running different directions, which expresses her crazy heart perfectly). And a moral view that celebrates open desire but never cruelty or rudeness.

 

And a love of speed, of going as fast as possible. Like in “You Can’t Catch Me” when, in the middle of a race, Chuck barks out,

I put my foot on my tank and I began to roll

Moanin’ siren, ‘twas the state patrol

So I let out my wings and then I blew my horn

Bye-Bye New Jersey, I become airborne…

 

And while pop singles will dominate his legacy, I also have to talk about the way he moved. As Shirelle is the greatest runner and jumper I’ve ever known (to a degree that can be a royal pain!), no one has ever used his body quite like Berry. Most famously, he had a move he called The Scoot, where he’d sit down very far on one leg, stick the other out in front of him, and kick it up and down as he scooted across the stage. Many people call that the Duck Walk, but Duckwalking was actually a different, and equally glorious, dance he’d do, squatting down on both legs and walking while jutting his chin forward with every step. But reading about these, or seeing others imitate them, isn’t enough. Like Astaire, Chaplin, or Cagney, Berry’s movements were purely his own, and no one else could ever capture them.

 

But back to the songs, here are five of his most famous recordings. You can easily find them online or on any number of collections. Check them out and see if you can hear that joy of life. Or better yet, if it fills your heart, the way it does to Shirelle and me.

 

  • “Maybelline” – Chuck’s first hit record was an complete breakthrough. From the opening notes, we hear a guitar sounding like none had before, a sort of call-to-arms, notifying us of his arrival, before slipping into this fun upbeat country rhythm. Then this joyous friendly voice jumps in, “Maaaaaaybeline, why cancha be tru-u-ue? Ya done started back doin’ the things you used to do!” Wait, is he happy, like he sounds, or angry or sad, like the lyrics say? Then with the next line, he completes his full mark: “As I was motorvatin’ over the hill, I saw Maybelline in a Coupe DeVille.” “Motorvatin’?!” Sure many songwriters have made up words before, but this is such a cool one, and so casually thrown out, explaining that for him to drive requires both motor and motivation, while his beloved is in a big fancy luxury car…   Everything is simple, exciting, fun, and pure. (Then the song becomes a story about him trying to catch up to her – it does have suspense, but the early line “But nothin’ outrun my V8 Ford” does give a hint of how it’s going to work out).

 

  • “Too Much Monkey Business” – No it’s not about monkeys, but rather a series of complaints about daily life, set in a ferocious, almost machine-gun delivery. Much has been said about its effect on greats from Bob Dylan to Grandmaster Flash, but no one has ever quite matched it. Chuck’s wordplay was never better, “Workin’ to and fro, hard workin’ at the mill, never fail in the mail, yeah come a rotten bill! Aagh!”   Just listen to it and let your brain spin with all he’s putting out there, and how much you might relate: “Same thing every day, getting’ up, goin’ to school, no need to me complainin’, my objection’s overruled!”

 

  • “Johnny B. Goode” – His most famous song, and deservedly so. While countless bands have incorporated his guitar licks into their music, no one has ever captured the sound of this one – a brag about someone a lot like himself, who “could play a guitar just like a-ringin’ a bell.” One issue to bring up here is his race – Berry was African-American, and worked as hard to bridge racial gaps by incorporating “white” words and sounds into his blues-based music as Elvis Presley did by going the other way. So with some of his songs, he began them with more of a statement about his race, that he later pulled out. With this one, it’s just that instead of it being about “a country boy,” Berry had originally written his hero to be “a colored boy.” Another one of his masterpieces, “Brown-Eyed Handsome Man,” is even more clearly a hidden message, as the lyrics really refer to the glories of being a brown-skinned handsome man!

 

  • “Memphis, Tennessee” – a song so famous, and so frequently covered, that people forget, or never notice, how original it is. First of all, the simple guitar riff he created for it is now so common you don’t even notice it, but guitar textbooks do refer to it as “the Memphis riff.” But just listen to those lyrics – the way they lead you to believe the song is about a lost romance, then that maybe it’s even about an interracial love (as “her mom did not agree”), and then, heartbreakingly, in the last lines we learn the truth of what and who he’s seeking. Also note the quiet singing, far from the jubilation of “Johnny B. Goode,” the sound of a sad and sweetly longing heart.

 

  • “Nadine” – Another all-around masterpiece so simple and elegant, you’d swear it came from a style that had been around for years, but no, this was a melody, a beat, an unbeatable lyric, and a whole sound that he created himself. And don’t kid yourself that something this perfect was created overnight – Berry actually wrote this over a two-year stint in jail! No matter how great a writer is, it’s still got to be pure magic when you come up with an opening like “As I got on a city bus and found a vacant seat, I thought I saw my future bride walkin’ up the street. I shouted to the driver, ‘HEY Conductor you must, SLOW down I think I see her, PLEASE let me off this bus!’”

 

In “Maybelline,” Chuck caught his girl and the Cadillac. He eventually wrote a sequel song to “Memphis” with a happy ending. But “Nadine” offers no such closure. For fifty years after he wrote it, he kept performing around the world, yelling out “Nadine! Honey is that you?!” And never finding an answer.   Maybe he’s found her now?

 

 

 

Chuck Berry died on March 18, at ninety years old. Instantly social media exploded with tributes from nearly every great rocker alive. Though I suppose his most beautiful eulogy was given decades ago on a talk show by John Lennon, who said, “If you had to give rock and roll another name, you might call it Chuck Berry.”

 

And if you had to give art, or music, or the joy of life, another name, you wouldn’t go astray by calling them by the same name too.

 

She finally got the letter she was dreaming of
Johnny wrote and told ‘er he had fell in love
As soon as he was married he would bring her back
And build a mansion for ’em by the railroad track
So every time they heard the locomotive roar
They’d be a’ standin’, a’ wavin’ in the kitchen door

Howling, bye, bye, bye, bye
Bye, bye, bye, bye
Bye bye Johnny
Good bye Johnny B. Goode

Is it wrong to go out with a boy you just like, when you still have a crush on someone who rejected you?

Sonia asks: Hi just so you know, I have gotten over that boy I asked you about months ago! And also I am not the kind of girl who goes after any guy they see. Anyway back to the subject, basically I have had a crush on a sweet guy for about 4 and a half months and we are pretty close, but someone found out I liked him and told him (I had a HUGE breakdown!) And anyway I have the feeling that he isn’t gonna ever like me since my friends and him were talking and he said he only liked me as a friend and I’m happy with that but for some reason I just always get jealous when he seems more interested in my friend than me. But the strange part is I met my friend’s brother a few weeks back and yesterday I slept over at her house and hanged out with him, he was really cute sweet and reminded me of my old crush, and HE genuinely seemed interested in me and I have the feeling I’m falling for him and I don’t know what to do, try and become closer with my crush or become close with someone who I really like and even seem to have a better chance of liking than my crush will ever have of liking me?

Hi Sonia –

 

 

As I read this, it takes me back to my days in the pound, when I had been there longer than was supposed to be allowed (an employee there had been so nice as to hide my information from her boss, to keep me alive longer!).  Every few minutes, people would walk in and look at me, and all the other dogs there.  Some of them looked nice, and some smelled just terrific.  Eventually, one of them asked to take me out of the cage, and played with me a little.  I jumped on him, licked him, chewed on his finger… we had a great time.  And after a bit, he decided to take me home.  Which is where I’ve lived ever since.

 

Now I want you to try to imagine me, instead of licking him and playing with him, being standoffish.  Saying “I’m not so sure I want this one to take me.  I liked that other one, the one who was here yesterday morning and bought the Labrador.  She was better.”  What would have happened?

 

I know the answer!  Handsome would have said “Oh, she’s not what I thought she’d be like,” put me back in the cage, and taken another dog home – one who liked him better.  And I would have been taken, within a couple of days, down the hallway, through the door, to the room from which no puppies ever return.

 

Now your fate isn’t quite as frightening as mine, but to my mind, you’re in the same situation.  A boy you like tons isn’t interested in you, and actually is interested in some other girl.  A boy you like, but maybe not quite as much, is interested in you.  So you’re not sure what to do.

 

My advice is 100% GO OUT WITH HIM!  See how he treats you.  And if he’s nice, and fun, and treats you well, you’re going to like him more and more!  I promise!

 

Now if he doesn’t treat you so well, or if he’s a crashing bore, then yes, you may start thinking about Boy #1 again.  But as long as he’s good, I believe you’ll start to feel he’s actually great – very soon!

 

Best of Luck!  Let me know what happens!

Shirelle

How to deal with criticism from an aged mother.

Deb asks: Really need help on this. How do I (age 61) not care about what my mom (age 90) thinks about my clothes. I love my clothes, I love where I buy them. I (age 61) have a certain style I wear: Underblouse (long sleeve blouse worn under my) OVERblouse: loose fitting sleeveless top and I only wear pants. I don’t wear skirts, dresses, tank tops or anything slutty. I purchased all my clothes from the three 99 cent stores where I live. And I always get compliments on what I wear from strangers. A few months ago I learned from a childhood friend that seven of our childhood friends passed on. All but one died of cancer. The one that didn’t die from cancer died of an infection that attacked her heart. Then on Sunday, February 19, 2017: I play the piano very well – playing since I was 12 years old. When I play my mom (age 90) knows I am going to play the piano because either I tell her or she is in the living room when I play. This past Sunday she was in her room and I didn’t tell her. I closed the door that separates the bedrooms from the living room/dining room area so I wouldn’t disturb her while she watched a show. Then after I stopped playing I went into her bedroom. I told her I am not playing any more today. She told me she thought the music was on TV, she didn’t realize I was playing. I played the day before that, so I got a little upset thinking she was putting down the other days I played and confronted her about that. So then a little tiff happened and out of the blue she mentioned my stomach issue I am having right now, which didn’t bother me, but she also thru out AIDS. I got mad at the AIDS part, because I knew what she was referring to which was when I found out four months ago that one of my childhood friends died of an infection she said that I shouldn’t buy my pants at the 99 cent stores – I could get AIDS. So when she referred to AIDS on Sunday I knew what she was referring to and I confronted her, and that is when she attacked my clothes. We had some fight. Yesterday I confronted her about what she had said about my clothes, and she told me she really doesn’t remember what she said, at first I called her a liar that she did remember but she claimed she really didn’t. Then when I confronted her one more time yesterday she put down my clothes saying they are dirty, you don’t know who wore the pants, you can get AIDS. We had some fight and I said a lot of horrible things to her. I don’t care if she doesn’t like my clothes, or my sense of style, I just don’t like her to put them down. BTW I hate the way she dresses. She wears jeans with a long sleeve blouse two or three sizes too small, or black pants (in the winter) and only beige or white pants in the summer with a Tee shirt.

Hi Deb –

I have some strong opinions on this issue (none of which have to do with dressing well; we dogs have no sense of style at all, which is why we are happiest running around naked or with just a collar!).  But first I need to explain something about my relationship with Handsome, and really all domesticated dogs’ relationships with their humans.

People say we love our humans.  That puts it far too mildly.  We adore them rapturously, and we also see them as our unquestioned leaders.  We might disobey our people, but that’s like a little child disobeying their parent; we don’t actually think we’re in charge, but we love testing the boundaries of what we can and can’t do.   I don’t know any feeling in the world worse than when I’ve truly hurt or disappointed Handsome.  I’m not exaggerating when I say I’d rather die.

So this is going to sound weird, coming after I’ve said that, but what I really need for you to do, Deb, is to Continue reading

What to do when your taste in clothes is different from most people’s.

Reena asks: Is it weird than more than 50% of my wardrobe is black? I’m not into black magic, I’m not evil, not depressed, not goth, not trying to hide my weight. I wear black, bcoz I love black. That’s it. But I’ve noticed how ppl stare at me and the looks on their faces. I mean, I don’t wear everything black all the time, I always do match it with other colours too, but they look at me like I’m some kind of a villain or something. Also, I’m from India, and ppl here are conservative. I hate being stared at, so how do I deal with the unwanted attention?

Hi Reena –

 

 

You might have heard the partial-truth that dogs don’t see color.  Actually, we just don’t see hues; we see something like what you see in a black-and-white movie – so a similar shade of red and green look just the same to us.  (I was very excited a while back to hear a movie was coming out called “Fifty Shades of Grey,” thinking this was something made for us pups, but Handsome explained to me that it was more like a very rough obedience class!)

 

So the fact is, we dogs see black in just the same way you people do.  But the difference is that it doesn’t have the same meaning to us.  After all, we dogs come in all sorts of colors, which don’t have anything to do with any choices we’ve made.  Black Labrador Retrievers are a lot like Blonde Labrador Retrievers, you know?  But we can develop prejudices of sorts.  For example, I was attacked by a full-grown black dog when I was a puppy; years later, Handsome was walking me near a very large black Newfoundland, and I suddenly found myself on my back nervously submitting to her, although she was perfectly nice; I had learned as a puppy to be scared of black dogs that were that much bigger than me!

 

What I’m getting at is that black clothes are popular for many reasons – including the ones you mention (goth fashion, depression, making one look thinner) – but also because people think they often just look great.  And you might have looks that particularly look great in black, and maybe not as great in certain other colors.  But you’re dealing with the meanings that are in other people’s heads, not your own.

 

Or are you?

 

Is it possible that those people are looking at you because they find you pretty?  Or maybe there’s something else that’s affecting them, besides your color choice?  I find people are very good – too good – at coming up with ideas of what other people are thinking about them.  Not always correctly!

 

But let’s say those people actually are bothered by your black clothes.  Well, then I’d say your best way to avoid being stared at is to dress the way they do.  Do they wear white? Bright colors?  Denim?  Brown?

 

Or, here’s my real advice: Continue reading

Why do older children wet their bed?

miles asks: My biggest secret is I still wet my bed and I have to wear pull ups to bed. I don’t want to but I have to. Why do I still wet the bed? I worry people will find out. I never told anyone my secret before.

Hi miles –

 

 

I don’t know if there’s another issue that causes so much shame in humans as inability to control their bladder or bowels.  I suppose it’s because parents put such importance on it in child-raising.  There’s really no reason why it should be any more embarrassing than a runny nose or an uncontrollable cough, or tripping and falling down – these are all areas where one fails at what they’re trying to control – but it is.

 

I don’t know your age, miles, but I’m going to assume you’re over six.  If you were younger than that, I’d say not to worry too much.  But if you are, there really are two things to do, and they come in a very clear order.

 

First, you should Continue reading

How to get better at talking to strangers – and crushes.

arjai101 asks: Dear Shirelle, I feel like I’m delusional. I constantly seem to be coming up with arbitrary and false reasonings for claims I hope to be true. Particularly, this is true if I like someone. Or, If I hope they like me. Most of the time, I would never date the person. But, no one has ever liked me before or expressed any feelings for me outside of the delusions in my head. I feel like I make up things that have never happened or turn small things into things that are bigger. When in reality, it is impossible. I don’t know how to stop. Or, maybe I can’t stop because it’s easier to accept a bunch of self-constructed lies. It’s a little hard when everyone around you seems to have experienced some kind of romantic occurrence except you. Before, It kind of fit in with the whole awkward adolescent vibe. At this point, it is actually embarrassing. In addition to this, one of my delusions might be true or just another way of rationalizing it all. I feel like maybe I’m intimidating. Maybe, people are scared of me or I have RBF(Resting B—- Face). It’s not like I’m some broody loner in the corner. I’m extroverted. I love being around people. But if I like someone or if I’m hallucinating that they like me, I have this way of ignoring people. Not blatantly, I may have never uttered a word to them before. It’s kind of an instinct, to pretend like there not there. (Not look at them, acknowledge them etc.) I would talk to them. Sometimes, I do. It depends on the situation. For example, there is one person, who I never really talked to just because I guess I found them intimidating. And now, I would love to talk to them but it would seem so weird if I did because social dynamics are so set in stone at this point. I’ve had opportunities for small talk but I can hardly make a good impression as I lose words. It’s particularly those times I do the whole instinctual ignoring thing. Maybe they’re just as intimidated by me as I am by them? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Or, how to stop doing the things that are screwing everything up? Or, am I just crazy? Anyway it goes, I need advice.

Hi arjai101 –

As a dog, I don’t think or talk much about the subconscious.  Sure, I like to dream, and Handsome tells me I’m just ridiculously cute when I dream I’m chasing a lion or fighting a polar bear, and my feet run and my mouth twitches, sometimes even barking myself awake.

But there’s the other kind of subconscious.  The part that, with full reasoning, controls our actions without our knowing about it.  One of the main ways it works is with fear.  I’ll see a dog who reminds me of one that beat me up as a puppy, and I’ll be submissive on my back in under a second – I’m not consciously thinking it’s that dog, but my subconscious takes over and makes this happen.

I think that’s what’s going on with you.  Let’s be honest – other people can be scary.  And even more so when you’re attracted to them.  They aren’t aware of it, but they hold such enormous power over you at that time.

And if, as you say, you’ve never known someone to have strong feelings for you (ARE THEY CRAZY?!  YOU’RE AMAZING!), then you have no reason not to expect a new person to feel just the same.  Which, if they expressed it, would make you feel hurt.  Of course.

So, as a human, you don’t fall on the ground with your tummy exposed, the way I do.  Instead, you withdraw.  Shut down.  Almost like a deer or rabbit, the way they go still when they see me around.  And not only do you physically shut down, but your brain goes numb too, and you can’t think of anything to say.

This is totally normal.  Though, as you say, it sure doesn’t help get relationships going.

 

So in terms of what to do about it, I’m going to recommend something completely ridiculous.  I want you to Continue reading

When your friend goes after your crush

AudreyKimberly146 asks: So I entered high school last July. It has been a big surprise and emotional roller coaster! I mean, gosh! The projects and assignments were terrible.–. We divide semesters into 2 quarters. So by the end of 2016, I have finished my 2nd quarter. You see, there’s a week between Q1 and Q2 and it’s basically the ‘white week’–it belonged to no quarter. In that white week, you can’t believe how our class received bookings of big projects for the 2nd quarter!! (AND THE 2ND QUARTER HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED YET, OH SWEET CHEESE CRACKERS ;w;) So the school tasks have been overwhelming, and I’m bittersweet in enduring yet enjoying my time. But! This is not the reason why I’m here XD Let’s cut off to the chase–I have a friend named V. She’s a new student and I befriended her by a chance. She attends my class, we’re almost like best friends! …except she did something I’d say horrible 🙁 Well, maybe it’s because I’m a kind of biased–you’ll get it (kinda) as we go on :)) So recently, by recently I mean the end of August 2016, I have come to acknowledge that I’ve officially moved on from my painfully endured first love!! :)) I endured like 8 years, I think I’m pretty faithful XDXDXD Well, I decided to share this secret to a friend of mine (this was a HUGE mistake) and she friggin’ spreaded it in like, a flick of a finger!! XDXD I’m not mad at that fact, just as long as the person himself doesn’t take notice and started to act funny in front of me.–. Well, let me tell you, it was CRAZY! sigh In less than a month, the whole class already knew and the secret is now spreading to other classes–I really wish I hadn’t told her aarrghhh X”D im laughing in regret Oh, ‘-‘ but again, that’s not why I’m here today too. So, V. She knew that I like him. And she ‘said’ she “ship” me with him== I call that BS. Because of the amount of projects, we need to start to work together in groups. The teacher made groups, instructed us to make groups, and V–I really don’t like to accuse but at this point I must say that she looked like she was infatuated on my crush–she really wanted to be with my crush! Here’s an example: when she edited this video for this certain project, she’d sit beside my crush and carry along–editing with no care of the world–except she’s like 5 inches away from my crush!! You see, I don’t really know about other people, but if Ia bold on the ‘I’ knew a friend of mine had a crush on a certain someone, I would, by all means, avoid that certain someone because I’d want to be a good friend. She continued that ‘betraying-like’ thing for a while, and my other friends started to feel irritated too–because they know I have a crush on the boy. (Oh by the way she’s still VERY sticky with him==) One day, I decided to confront her. I told her “girl, I don’t want to rule your life or anything, but to me you are doing something which a ‘good’ friend will never do. Do you like him? Just tell me the truth.”–I mean, everything’s possible right? She’s being especially close with him, maybe she developed a special feeling for him. If so, then I can’t blame her. But she went from an “oh, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to” to TRIGGERED!!! XDXDXD She said to me “Oh you think I like him?? Fine!! Believe ANYTHING you want!! You won’t believe in me anyway!!” I decided to stay calm and apologize to her. But her snotty reply and very ignorant ‘ok’ reply had my blood boiling. Why am I the one apologizing?? She should know that she’s breaking my heart by ‘betraying’ me! And afterwards, she didn’t even lessen her stickiness and urgh== One time, a friend of mine got very mad, she just blindly started yelling “OMG!! SUCH A B—-!! THIRD PERSON!!! SO ANNOYING!!” and all other mean things. I was also mad, and to be honest, I felt a bit of a relief when she yelled those, but I also thought it was wrong. So I immediately stopped my raging friend XD and asked her to calm down. Also, that boy I’m crushing on?== Urgh, he’s a dense lil’ rock== That’s all I can say about him XDXD What should I do?? I’m completely lost at this point to be honest XDXD And my best guess for your potential solution is to retalk with Vanessa, rediscuss, and come up with a satisfying, mutual agreement. I’d say that’ll be perfect–except I don’t think I can put myself through a rampaging beast again XD It was a pretty toxic week after that ==” She treated me like a two-faced=_= So, what do you think? Any feedback or critiques?? I’d gladly receive anything I can improve from my side. Thank you!! :))

Hi AudreyKimberly146 –

 

So you’re right, my general inclination would be to try to talk things out with Vanessa.  But on the other hand, that’s exactly what you already tried!  And she turned on you for it.

 

It reminds me of my neighbor Sophie.  She’s a Spaniel, and although we’ve always barked at each other across our fence, I’d always hoped we could play together.  One day her human Suzie brought her over so we could try it.  I was all happy to jump in, but Sophie turned on me and started a fight, biting and growling and all.  Now I’m a good fighter anyway, but I’m also a lot taller than Sophie, so it was easy for me to use my long legs and roll her over onto her back, and put my very long mouth over her throat, so any move she made could hurt or even kill her.  But I didn’t want to hurt her; I just wanted her to stop fighting.  Sure enough, she got the idea, and stopped.  So I let go of her and stepped back, ready for fun… and she started right in on me again, biting, yowling, trying to beat me up.  Idiot!  So I rolled her over, mouth on throat again, she stopped again, I stepped back again, and she started all over again!  Finally, Suzie gave up and took her back home, and we never tried to play again.  It was really sad.

 

And it seems to me Vanessa’s being a Sophie here.  She did something mean to you, you tried to work it out, so she got mean at you again.  I’m all for you trying again with her, but there has to be a point sometime when you just give up.

 

I’ll admit, I’m also thinking something else here.  I’ve seen this a number of times, where one friend admits their interest in someone, and the other friend starts going after that person.  Not so much out of attraction as for desire to be the more powerful one in the friendship.  And I’m thinking that might be what’s up with Vanessa.

 

So what I really want is for you to feel good about yourself.  It does sound like you’re over the guy, which is great, since that just seemed to be going nowhere.  But now the best thing is for you to be so cool with yourself that Vanessa feels no power over you at all.  Because then, maybe, unlike Sophie, she’ll come back to you with her paw out, ready to give you a little lick on your nose, and play nice.

 

Thanks again!

Shirelle

 

How to give enough time to your oldest child.

Jordan asks: I’ve recently had my 3rd baby girl and it’s gotten a lot harder to spread my love and attention evenly. I feel I’m failing especially with my oldest. Since then, her dad has not picked her up once. She’s not taking it as hard as I thought, she loves her step dad and her sisters so much. But her sisters are both under 2 and they take every ounce of time and energy I have. I find it so hard to keep the house clean, have 3 meals prepared, and bathe everyone every night by the time everything is done, it’s bed time and I realize I haven’t worked on my oldest daughter school work or read her a story or even played with her. I think about this all the time. The only time I get to spend with her is on the weekends when her sisters go to bed and she stays up late with me. It’s not enough, I’m not doing enough for her and it breaks my heart every day. Not that long ago it was just the two of us for 4 years.

Hi Jordan –

 

I do apologize for it taking me eight days to get back to you, but I’m sure glad things have improved in my system and it’s not eight months! I’ve had to write nearly 200 people in the last couple of weeks, which adds new meaning to the old term “dog-tired.”

 

And ironically, that apology is the same one you’re giving to your daughter. I don’t care about you any less than anyone else in my pack, but I had to treat those other letters as more urgent, because they had come first.

 

The difference is that I only need to apologize to you once about it, while you will likely be apologizing to your daughter a lot.

 

Oh and there’s another difference: you’re an adult, and I have every reason to believe you’ll fully understand the position I’m in. Whereas your daughter might get a lot more resentful.

 

And there’s no villain in this story. You’re a loving and caring mom, and she’s just being a kid. (Or one could argue that her dad is the bad guy, as he’s not spending the time with her he should. But she’ll reach a point in her life where she’ll let him know how she feels about that, and make him pay in guilt, I’m sure!)

 

Of course, there’s no perfect solution to this situation. You can’t be there for her 100% of the time, and she can’t replace what she’d get from you completely either.

 

There are two things she likely wants deep-down. And they’re opposites. One is to be completely special, have you treat her in a way that’s like no one else. The other is to get equal treatment, exactly the same amount of attention as her sisters. Both of these are, again, impossible to achieve. But what we can do is to try to feed both of these needs in certain ways.

 

First, I really suggest arranging a regular date with her. Just as I’d suggest you and her stepfather plan a couple’s night out every week or two, it would be great for you and she to have a regular day together. Maybe you two go to a movie, maybe just a restaurant. But it’s a set of regularly scheduled hours when the other girls stay home with their dad or a sitter. Today, this will be good because it will make her feel special and get your attention. But in a few years, this will matter enormously more, as it will give you time for “girl talk,” when you’ll be able to talk about her life in a special way that many parents never get, when she will likely be able to talk openly with you about things like mean girls, cute boys, and what substances kids at school are using. Exactly what parents most want to know about!

 

Secondly, there’s a quality in you humans that seems to go back throughout history, where first-borns take on leadership roles in their families. Lots of the great family therapists (Alfred Adler, Murray Bowen, for example) have written lots about this. The fact that she’s being so mature and responsible is wonderful – and pretty normal. You can build on this. Giving her ways to be a big sister to those two little brats can do wonders for her self-esteem. When she’s old enough, sure, have her babysit for them (when you and their dad have those fun romantic nights out!), but there are lots of other jobs that can even be better. Like what if she’s their tutor in their schoolwork? What if she’s the one who’s in charge of everyone getting their chores done? Each of these jobs makes her feel special, and closer to you and her adored stepfather – which is what she, I’m sure, wants most.

 

Of course, this won’t be enough. There will be times when she really resents the girls, and your not being there enough. But this is human nature.

 

(And not just human – I can become enormously jealous when I see Handsome, my human, playing with or petting another dog, and I treat him really coldly when he hasn’t been paying enough attention to me.   And I don’t feel one bit guilty about it either!)

 

What will matter in the long run is that doing these things show her that you really care about her. She might not fully see it now, and she almost certainly won’t appreciate it when she’s fifteen, but later, she’ll remember, and it will help define the relationship you two have for the rest of your lives.

 

A relationship that might be as good, and trusting, and open, and loving as my relationship with Handsome. And there is nothing better than that!
Thanks for being a great, caring mom!

Shirelle

 

ps: Oh, and while her dad is being so absent, what would also be great is if Mr. Stepfather could also, occasionally, have some alone time with her, or if she could get some time with the two of you. All of these will really help her feel special. Maybe not as special as she really is, but close!

 

 

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