0 What’s Next? …planning for an uncertain future

Last month I struggled like crazy to find a hundred things I’m grateful for during this insane time, and sent them to you.

But that only goes so far.  And sometimes, things you’re grateful for slip away, like squirrels in a tree while you’re sleeping. 

In just this last month, my sniffing buddy Cloud, my and Handsome’s dear friend Sherry, and countless other friends or family of friends have wandered off to the field over the horizon.  And as our treasures disappear, focusing on just what we’re grateful for doesn’t feel like enough.  What would happen if they all went away?

So I’m writing a sequel to last month’s Pawprint.  This mad, awful, time will end.  I don’t know when, and neither, apparently, does anyone else (Certainly not the idiots who told us it would be gone by April or May.  I mean, I’m a dog, and I have enough brains to have not said something that unscientific!).

But when it does end, the world will be different.  Some things will be like before, some will have become more like now, and some will be able to change in ways they never have, because of all this turbulence.

And I’m making wishes.  For what that world around the corner is like. 

I hope you like them, but what I’d love even more is if you could come up with some of your own and send them to me.  Maybe we can create a whole new list!

Anyway, here goes:

1. Working from Home.  One benefit of this awful lockdown, at least where I live, has been the incredible decrease in traffic.  So many people who were working in offices and shops are now working from home (and so many others aren’t working at all, which is of course horrifying).  Of course, when things open up, this will change: lots of people will go back to their work places, and hopefully millions and millions of unemployed will find work again.  But wouldn’t it be great if a number of the companies, that have insisted their workers stay home during this, now allow them to keep working at a distance?  Parents can be closer to their children, tons of people will have more time since they skip their commutes, and that reduction in traffic could continue – including reducing pollution, crashes, and lots of anger! 
2. Theaters Somehow Return.  I mean movies, I mean plays, I mean concerts, I mean children’s shows, I mean sports events, I mean monster car rallies, I mean ice skating, I mean operas, I mean ballets, I even mean Dog Shows!   Throughout recorded history, humans (sometimes with us pooches) have congregated together to be entertained, taught, amused, moved, excited, frightened, and changed.  And while television and the internet are amazing, there’s nothing like the effect of a group experiencing the same thing at the same time.  The laughter, the gasps, the applause.  I want everyone safe, but can it PLEASE come back?!
3. The End of Factory Farming.  There will always be improvements in efficiency in every business, of course.  But over the past century, too many farms have moved from soulful healthy environments to cruel toxic monstrosities, where animals are so imprisoned and pushed together that their lives are pure misery and new diseases are created and spread.  A while back, Mad Cow Disease got some countries to change their laws, but, if the word is correct, the accidental creation of Coronavirus-19 on such a farm has shown the entire world that things need to change, right now!  How great it would be if an international committee created laws for the entire planet illegalizing these moronic and (yes I’ll use the word) inhuman animal factories. 
4. Greater Understanding Between People.  There are those who’ve tried to say this virus came from one race, or is one country’s fault.  No. However it began, it has spread due to globalization and willful ignorance.  But it’s been awfully interesting how this problem – which has attacked all people all over the world – has coincided with a greater attention to how some people have gotten treated way worse than others, for a very long time.  Could this be one of those great moments when the world awakens to a better understanding of the simple fact that all humans are siblings?  I know things won’t be perfect, but might they get just a bit better?  That would be a beautiful morning.
5. I Want Touch Back!  As a dog, I’m considered pettable by the same people who would pet me before this.  But all the close contact I used to see between people – hugs and kisses of course, but also handshakes and high-fives and friendly punches and even whispering – they’re all gone.  And it’s changed you guys; it’s changed the way you even treat us.  Connnection used to be something people craved and drew to; now it’s feared.  And I hate that.  So yes, I want everyone to stay as safe as they need to.  But once you can, please… MAKE CONTACT AGAIN!
6. Population Control.  A half-century ago, the whole world got frightened about how quickly the human population was growing.  But while it’s only grown more and more quickly, we almost never hear those worries anymore.  We should!  People are wonderful, but just as there shouldn’t be too many dogs in a kennel, it’s unhealthy to have such a growth of humans.  Imagine what it would be like if the growth stopped – if just this number of people remained on the planet.  Suddenly, instead of governments and charities having to help growing numbers of humans, they’d be able to help the current numbers more.  Poverty could be eased, health care could be provided more easily, and all sorts of growing international tensions could get reduced.  Now I hear people argue that the world’s economic systems rely on regular population growth.  But economic systems are created by humans, to help humans.  So couldn’t you guys create a new economic system that doesn’t rely on it?  Couldn’t it be way better than the way things are now?
7. New Manners.  A few years ago, I wrote a Pawprint where I tried to come up with new rules for Politeness.  And I still like all those.  But I’m talking here about actual “Manners,” how you physically act around others.  While we dogs love to get right up in everyone’s faces and butts, this virus will probably result in people giving each other a bit more space, especially total strangers.  And that will be good on a number of counts.  Sure it’ll reduce the spread of other viruses and germs, but also it’ll help vulnerable people feel safer in public, and create less chance of accidents – like doggies getting stepped on!  So I’m all for it.  But please, it doesn’t mean you can’t pet or hug your favorite pooch just as you always have!
8. More and Better Plant-Based Foods.  Let’s get this straight – I’m a dog, and I love hunting and catching other animals.  Always will, nothing I’d change about it.  But I also love when Handsome feeds me some of what he’s eating.  And you know what I’ve found?  If he’s eating one of those really great new pretend-burgers that are all made of plants, I can’t tell the difference between it and real meat.  Now remember what I said before about factory farming?  Imagine if people bought, ate, and invented way more of these “fake animal” foods, and way less from actual animals.  Wouldn’t that be great? Again, I love chasing those squirrels and mice, but it’s no fun for me that some poor bird or beast was cramped in a cage all its life for my dinner.  And everyone knows having fewer farm animals would be better for the world in countless ways.  I’m not pushing that everyone has to become vegans – I’m certainly not one myself – but could we all be healthier and happier with a better diet?  Oh yeah!
9. Keep Reading!  One great thing I’ve seen during this lockdown is people reading way more than before.  Maybe you’re catching up on some classic you’ve never gotten to, or a new book about current events to help your understanding of the world, or maybe you’ve dug up some old bones from the back yard… oops, some old favorites from your childhood that you always wanted to read again.  Whatever it might be, I sure hope this continues when things get better.  Reading exercises parts of the mind that even the most brilliant movies or tv shows never touch.  Sure, have fun rewatching all the episodes of Game of Bones or Dogton Abbey (oops, did I make a typo or two there?  heh heh), but don’t let the love of quietly losing yourself in a great novel or treatise go away.  There’s nothing like it.
10. At Last, Environmental Sanity.  When I was a puppy, Handsome started training me very mildly.  He’d gently push my butt down and say “sit,” and give me a treat for doing it right.  But over time, he started to get tougher; he’d expect me to sit without him pushing me down, and even without a treat.  It was no longer acceptable for me to not know how to respond to that command.  Well that’s where the human race is today, when it comes to the environment.  For nearly a century, the planet has been letting you all know what was necessary – to put less pollution into the air and water, to not spread certain chemicals, and to work your way out of the overuse of potentially harmful substances.  And some humans have heard it, a few have yelled about it, and many have ignored the warnings.   But now there’s no more excuse.  This year of wildfires, hurricanes, floods, melting ice shelves, rising oceans, and pestilence, is like nothing anyone’s ever seen.  Take any culture’s great ancient writings, squeeze every disaster story in them, which covered centuries, into one year, and that’s 2020.  It Is Time To Wake Up.  I bow my floppy-eared head and pray that you all heed the warnings: start preserving nature, move on from fossil fuels, find solutions to waste and pollution, and for the love of all of us, PLEASE stop electing leaders who deny what’s going on.  So many people talk about protecting the planet, but that’s not the point.  The planet’s going to survive whatever humankind does.  But humankind might not.  And we pups are dependent on you.  So please, for us, learn from this year.  And change.  Things can survive, and can get so much better.  And we will love you for it.

So that’s my wish list.  Do you have others you’d add?  I’d love to hear them, and share them with the rest of the pack!

And then will come the really interesting part: Doing what we can to make these wishes come true.

In fact, maybe that’s my greatest wish – that humans will come together to do just that, to make the world better.  Just that energy would make the future greater than any past that’s ever been.

0 What to do when you have different standards of intimacy with friends

Awerpia asks:

Of late I’m finding it difficult having discussions with my girlfriend because they only end up with her misinterpreting what I mean, crying and accusing me of having insecurities. But truthfully I really trust her; it’s just that sometimes I just want to get sometimes right. I just want to understand why she does certain things! Before this corona outbreak I remember visiting her and spending some time together. It was all great until she got a video call from a so-called male friend. I questioned her and she only retorted in anger! You see I don’t have any problem with my girlfriend having male friends. But I personally think video chatting someone is very intimate. Apart from her, I don’t video chat anyone. Sometimes it hurts when you try to keep something special for someone but actually they don’t regard it as such.  I mean how and why on earth would I video call my best female friend. The best I would do is to call on phone.  There are so many options for communication, so why choose video call?  I trust her when she says that the guy is just her friend. No doubt about that. But does the guy just want friendship? Because I don’t see the necessity of video calling my best female friend unless it’s really some pictorial aid I need, which is very rare. But the way she defended the whole act made me look like a fool.  I’m still not comfortable with this video call issue but it’s like I have to swallow it. 

Hi Awerpia –

            What I want to do is to bring the two of you into a room and ask you both some questions.  And there’s SO MUCH about that wish that I can’t do!!!

            But mainly I want to ask you why her having videochat with him bothers you so much, and I want to ask her why it’s so important to her to do it.

            Now I’ll start on you.  You say it’s “intimate.”  But isn’t videochatting what’s happening with every business meeting, cocktail party, yoga class, and therapy session in the world right now?  Does she not videochat with her female friends, her relatives, or her coworkers?  Now you’re right that someone could use videochatting for VERY intimate exchanges.  But what is it that makes you feel so strongly about it?

            And with her – what’s the big deal?  Sure it can be fun to videochat, but if your boyfriend is bothered by you videochatting with this one guy, then why not talk on a phone instead?  Lots of people choose the phone these days just because they haven’t showered yet, or because they don’t want to put on makeup.  What’s so bad about doing that?

            In other words, to me it feels like both of you are acting out of some anxiety that I don’t quite understand.  But let’s be clear – we dogs greet each other by sniffing each other’s butts, so our concerns about intimacy are very different from yours!! 

            Meanwhile, in terms of how best to deal with this, I’d suggest you do some soul-searching and figure out the answers to my questions to you, and then tell them to her.  Explain what it is that bothers you so much about this (again, versus her videochatting with other people).  And then tell her, “I know it might be silly, but it really bothers me.  Would you be willing to give me this?” 

            If she agrees to stick to the phone, then fine.  But if not, then feel free to ask her the things I asked you.  And then see if you two can work something out. 

            Truly, whatever it is that you decide is fine, as long as it’s together!!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you’re asked to have an affair

Chandrani123 asks:

I have been in a relationship for four and a half years. My boyfriend is ten years older than me, he is very mature, cool minded & never gets angry upon me. We have a delightful relationship; sometimes I fight with him but he manages my anger really well. He never gave me chance to doubt him. He loves me very much but the turning point in our relationship began when once we decided to disclose our relationship to our family members. My boyfriend tried to convince his mom for marriage but she refused, wanting her son to marry by her choice. At last, my boyfriend gave up. I didn’t pressure him ever. Now my boyfriend says he is bound to marry by his family choice but he wants to keep his relationship with me just like now. But I am very afraid of extramarital affairs, and I think it is sinful to destroy his married life. So what should I do?

Hi Chandrani123 –

            I can’t tell you how many letters I’ve gotten in the past few years about just this issue – people who are dating someone, and have fallen in love with them, but then their families step in and one or both say they want their kid to have an arranged marriage.

            As a dog, I’m not opinionated on whether arranged marriages or the unarranged kind where people date to find who they want are the best kind.  Either is fine.  But it sure strikes me that this merging of cultural systems, where young people date and get involved with someone, and then their families pick someone, is a road to heartbreak! 

            First of all, you’re hurt by the fact that he’s not going to marry you.  And secondly, he’s almost guaranteed to not like or love the woman he’s paired with as much as he does you – at least for a long time. 

            And as a big-hearted dog, I hate anything that causes that kind of sadness.

            But you are bringing up a third point – this guy wants to keep you, even when he marries.  To keep you as a mistress, a lover.

            And while he might not be thinking this way, that is an absolute guarantee of hurting LOTS of people.

            Think of it.  First, he’s humiliating the woman he loves – asking her to commit adultery which she considers a sin.  Second, he’s planning on cheating on the woman he’s going to marry, before he even knows who she is!  But third, if the word gets out, what would this do to his family?  To your family?  To any children he and she have together?! 

            I have known numerous cases of people finding love outside their marriages.  Even if it’s the best choice for them, it’s always painful and difficult.  But in this case, he’s planning on it in advance!

            If you hadn’t told me so many wonderful things about him, I might assume he’s a selfish jerk.  But it’s clear he’s not.  So I’m going to guess that he’s just simply not thinking this through fully.

            Which means you’re going to have to do the thinking, and deciding for the two of you.

            Which is hard.  Really hard.

            My friend, I don’t see any possibility here except for you to break up with him.  And I know that’s the most hurtful thing I can say.  But it’s clearly the best thing for both of you.

            If you do, one of two things will happen.  First (and most likely), he’ll marry the woman his family chooses for him, treat her well (as he’s done with you), and learn to love her over time as she does him.  You may well remain the secret love in his heart, but life will move on.  And you will slowly get over this pain, and meet another man, one who’s available to you, and move forward with him – likely with more happiness than your current boyfriend is going to have (because you’ll have chosen this next guy).

            OR… it goes a different direction.  Your boyfriend tries to play by his family’s rules, but it doesn’t work.  He misses you.  He gets angry with his parents.  He gets introduced to the sorts of women they want, and doesn’t feel anything for them.  And eventually he breaks off from agreeing to their idea, and comes back to you, begging you to take him back.

            But that second idea, romantic as it is, can’t happen until he is forced to make up his mind.  His idea of you as his lover is a great way of him avoiding that choice – but you (and any woman he’s paired up with) deserve him to be forced into it!

            I’m so sorry this situation is so hard.  But truly, if you can do this (maybe the most difficult thing you’ve ever done), it ought to free you both up to far better lives than his idea can possibly offer you.

            With all my love,

            Shirelle

0 What to do when your relationship is faithful but disrespectful.

Yara asks:

            I have been in a long distance relationship with a guy for about one and half years. I am constantly feeling confused with my relationship, for while it is the most relaxing time to be with him, at the same time there are a lot of questions beating my head. We do fight a tad more than normal because I expect some things from him and he sometimes fails to do them. And recently I found that he is following a girl on Instagram from his past who he had a fling with. When I confronted him, he said I am not giving him any privacy, that I’m spying on him and my asking about it shows I don’t trust him. It’s not that I don’t trust him, but I feel uncomfortable that he follows her. At the end of the day I always end up feeling like I shouldn’t have asked this and that, because I don’t trust him. And he keeps saying that it is my insecurity that I ask this from him He shouldn’t have pinned it on my insecurity.  I am torn between whether it is my fault, that I shouldn’t have made it an issue. I am on the brink of breaking up. I love him a lot ,but why is it always my fault? I want a relationship with understanding and love with him. Am I fooling myself and being blind to the truth because of the love I have for him?

Hi Yara –

            I often talk with humans about how different I am from you guys, but in this case you and I are a lot alike.  My human friend Handsome is my favorite thing in the world, and I’m his.  But he of course is very fond of all other dogs as well, and loves to pet them and cuddle them and play with them and let them lick and chew on him and… you get the idea.

            Well, if he does this when he’s away from me, and he comes back with their smell on him, I have to admit, I love it!  I’m excited to sniff him all over like crazy.  I love his smell normally, but with them added he’s so much more interesting!

            But if we’re “in-person,” it’s another story.  He’ll see some puppy and pet it and tell it how cute it is, and I get furious.  Not at him (who probably deserves it more), but at the dog!  I’ll run up and bark and snarl and almost attack the poor pooch, letting it know “That Man is MINE!” 

            So what did the dog do to deserve this?  Nothing.  And why is it okay when Handsome does it away from me but not where I can see it?  Because of my pride.

            I feel completely disrespected.  Dishonored.

            Now I’m not here to say whether or not your boyfriend ought to be following his ex on Instagram.  Maybe it’s fine (Handsome stays in touch with lots of his exes, completely innocently), or maybe it’s suspicious.  But that’s up to you to decide.

            But it sounds like you already have decided.  You trust him.  You fully believe that his following her on Instagram is harmless and does not imply that he’s doing anything remotely wrong with her.

            But you don’t like it!

            And I’m thinking that the reason you don’t is because it’s so public, so “in your face.”  And just like me when Handsome pets some cute pup, your emotions get triggered.  And then you want to lash out, but, again like me, there’s no correct target for it!  In my case, I jump on some innocent pooch.  And in yours, you “confront” him about it.

            So it makes sense that he’s confused.  If you do trust him, then what’s so bad about his following her?  Right?

            What’s missing is that you’re not telling him about the disrespect you feel.  That he’s making a public showing of his interest in her, that all your friends can see, and that feels bad to you.

            Now if you do talk with him about it, that conversation can lead many ways.  Maybe he agrees to stop following her.  But maybe instead he agrees to post more pictures of the two of you together on Instagram, making it clear that you two are a couple, and he makes any comments about her photos include the word “friend.”  Like “This is hilarious!  I’m so glad we’re friends!” or “Hey pal, that’s a great photo!”

            Do you see where I’m going? 

            Trust is one thing.  I know Handsome’s not going to take me back to the pound and exchange me for another dog.  But respect is another – and is way subtler.

            So if I’m right, let him know what’s up, and see if the two of you can work something out about it.  Again, it sounds like neither of you is doing anything wrong; you just want to find out how to make each other feel as good as possible – for him to maintain his friendship, and for you to feel honored.

            I think you two deserve it!

            Good Luck!

            Shirelle

0 Should you leave your current relationship because you never got over an earlier one?

Shreyash1009 asks: Two years ago I proposed to a girl with whom I’d been in love for five years. That time she rejected the proposal saying we were friends, but after a year she proposed back to me. It was my first relationship and I could not build a good bond with her. After two months she told me that it was not working between us. I was heartbroken and it took some time to be back. After some months I tried to propose to my friend’s ex-girlfriend and she was convinced. I was not serious with her, but she was having strong and serious feelings for me. We have been together for a year and a half, and I am not serious for her but she loves me. I am still not able to forget the girl from before. I am very much worried and don’t even know what to do.

Hi Shreyash1009 –

This is a really tough situation.  I’m sorry for you, and for both of the girls.

Humans tend to believe that romance will be like… well, like buying a dog.  You find one you like, you take them home, you train each other, and after six months or so it’s a perfect relationship with unconditional love and loyalty till death do you part.

Yeah… no.

Romance between humans is way more complex than that, with all kinds of opinions and resentments and hurts that happen all the time.  And, yes, sometimes a spark just doesn’t happen, or it goes away.  And that’s really really sad.

As with your letter – you don’t say a single word against either of these ladies.  It’s not that one cheated, or started hitting you, or stopped bathing.  This is just a case where feelings are inconvenient. 

So, I hate to say it, but if you’re sure about the way you feel about the second girl, I think that probably the best thing to do is to let her go.  Will it hurt her?  Absolutely.  Just as it hurt you when the other one rejected you.  But you did survive it, and this one ought to as well.

If you and this girl had been married for years and were raising children together, I might say something different here – I might argue that if you two get along okay, it could be worth it to stay together for all the good things your marriage gives you, even though you’re not feeling that romantic thrill.

But you’re not married, and you don’t have kids.  And the best thing for you and her might well be to move on and find someone else better for you. 

But wait, I’ll also argue against this!  ARE you sure that you’re not interested in the girl you’re with now?  Is your love for the other one more a fantasy than a real interest?  After all, I’m not hearing you say that you’ve spent the last couple of years pursuing her.  Could you actually be happier with this one than with someone else?

No one fits every wish anyone has for a partner.  There’s always compromise.

Your job, my friend, is to figure out which is the best way for you to go.  To hurt this girl’s feelings so both of you can be free, or to work harder to make things work with her.

I’ll be glad to help with whatever you decide.  But the decision is, and has to be, yours.

I wish you great wisdom and the best of luck

Shirelle

0 What to do when you’re being shamed for what you did in a previous relationship

Arpita asks: I had broken up with my boyfriend 3 months ago. Then I found a guy withnwhom I want to spend the rest of my life. It’s too new, but he is everything I wanted.  My ex recently found out that I had cheated on him once (I had kissed a guy during my internship). My ex is shattered as he still has feelings for me, and I feel horrible about what I did. His friend has been abusing me in messages, slut-shaming me. Of course I can’t discuss all these with the guy I’m with now. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Arpita –

You’re in three situations, one is shockingly awful, and the other two are more normal than you realize.

The normal ones are that you have a new boyfriend while your former one still has feelings for you, which creates a problem, and that you did something that you’re ashamed of in that previous relationship.  Again, both of these are very common, and I’d even argue that most people have to contend with them.

Then you have something else that’s horrible and inexcusable, which is your ex’s friend doing all this slut-shaming abuse.

So let’s start with my strongest statement here – you KISSED a boy.  Yes, you shouldn’t have, and you wouldn’t have wanted your boyfriend to have kissed another girl.  But it was KISSING.  You didn’t have an affair, you didn’t sleep around, you didn’t do anything to embarrass or shame your boyfriend.  And you know what else you didn’t do?  You didn’t allow (or encourage) a friend of yours to say awful things to or about him!  I’m sorry but that’s SO MUCH WORSE THAN KISSING SOMEONE.  It’s cruel and pathetic and often traumatizing.

No one has ever been in a relationship for any serious length of time without doing things they regret.  I have tons of regrets for things I have done that hurt my human friend Handsome, and he might have even more about me.  But those mistakes are part of how we’ve learned to love and trust each other over the years.  Because we’ve seen how much the other regrets the things they’ve done that have hurt us.  And how much we each want the other to be safe and happy.

So my first advice would be to reach out to your ex, if you’re comfortable doing that, and let him know that what his friend is doing is enormously hurtful to you, and gets in the way of your having any relationship to him, even friendship.  Then it’ll be interesting to see what he says or writes back: If it’s “I had no idea!  I’m so sorry, I’ll call him right now and stop this!” then that’s not so bad.  But if it’s “Well you deserve it, since what you did was unforgivable,” then you might consider blocking them both at least for a while.  (I’m assuming you’ve already apologized to him for having kissed the guy, right?  Ideally more than once?  Because if so, enough is enough!)

But now when we get to the other guy, the new wonderful one, what to do?  Well, again, I’m going to go to my line that it was only kissing.  And suggest that maybe your best bet is to tell him.

Here’s my thought.  Maybe you even start with “What’s the worst thing you ever did in a relationship?”  And when he answers, tell him, “here’s mine.”  And describe it to him.  Tell him how ashamed you are of it, how sorry you are, and (and here’s the big one) what you learned from the experience which guarantees that you will never do that again.  And tell him that you want him to know about it, because you value him so much and you don’t want to take a chance that he might hear it from someone else.  But also, you’re caring so much that it’s a little scary.  And you don’t want to live in a situation where you get so committed to someone who can’t accept you as you are, flaws and all.

(That’s why I want you to ask what he’s done wrong – so you can both accept each other’s flaws.)

If this guy can’t accept that you were in a relationship that wasn’t as good as the one you have with him, and kissed another boy once, then maybe he’s not as wonderful as you think.  But if he hears it, and says that it would break his heart if you did that to him, so he’s counting on you to stick to your word and not kiss another boy as long as you’re together… then I say you’re right, and he’s absolutely wonderful!

So those are my thoughts.  Maybe there’s something I’ve gotten wrong, and if so please let me know.  But the one thing I’m absolutely sure of is that you deserve better than you’re getting now from that friend of your ex’s.  And somehow or other, I’d love to see that stop.

All my very best,

Shirelle (who likes to kiss EVERYBODY!)

0 Should one only be with people of the right height?

Awerpia asks:

My girlfriend is 150cm tall (4 feet.) She’s short. And I am 165cm (around 5 feet). You see I love her so dearly that I don’t care about what other people see as flaws. My grandmother is a short woman around the same height as my mum and aunt, and coincidentally my girlfriend too. She blamed her children being short on her accepting short men. As such she vowed never to allow any of her daughters marry a short man. And her dream worked at least for my mum. My “stubborn” aunty married a short man (and yes her daughter is extremely short). You see, since my cousins and I were born, the only thing these three seemed to care about was us growing taller than each other. They just despise being short.  My mum in particular believes people look down on short people and that when you marry a short person you will end up with dwarfs as children. Even to the point, my grandmother behaved rudely to an innocent short girl who visited my male cousin. Thank God I don’t live with my grandmother and aunty. You see my mother never warned me initially about short girls. I would have killed the love I had for the girl if I knew it was a “taboo.” You see, as we speak now, I’m so much in love with the girl. And I really fear what these women would do if I introduce her in person. Right now my mum has only seen pictures of her because she lives in another part of the country. It’s not like I really care about my girlfriend’s height. She gives me the best hugs in the world. I tease her about her height, and I can easily carry her in my arms. She’s just cute. But right now I wish I could make her taller. And she’s already 25. I wish God could just add some 10 cms to her height overnight. I have searched everywhere from yoga to subliminal to exercises to meditation to pills, and I don’t even know if they will work or if she would have the time for it. And coming home and staying with mum makes me feel like it’s bad to be short. I look at her and she’s become fat and small and shorter because of her weight. It makes me question myself if that’s how my girlfriend would be one day, and if our children would be too short. If they would also fall into the “curse of being short.” This whole thing is just eating me up and I sincerely don’t know what to do.  I wish I could make her taller. I wish I could blind them from seeing her height. I wish I knew that my children would have a good height. But on the other hand I love my girlfriend so much. I’m in tears right now. I don’t know what to do. She’s my first girl and I want her to be the last!

Hi Awerpia –

The values humans put on physical attributes just fascinate me.  Where I live, I don’t see anyone look down on short women, but it’s very difficult for tall girls, especially growing up.  Boys don’t want to date or dance with them, because they think they’ll make them look less masculine.  (Of course then, some of those women use their height to go into modeling, which suddenly makes them “trophies” in men’s eyes!).

Meanwhile, of course, I see people judge others drastically based on the color of their skin, their skinniness, curviness, or weight, and even hair color! 

Now don’t get me wrong.  Everyone has the right to be attracted to what they’re attracted to.  I know a woman who’s happy to date any guy as long as his feet aren’t smaller than hers; that creeps her out!  And my human friend Handsome, who has dated many women most men find gorgeous, is actually more attracted to a woman’s voice than her looks.  And because of that, a “knockout” whose voice doesn’t attract him is far less appealing than a less-pretty girl who melts him with every word!

But I’m talking about values.  My woman friend doesn’t look down on men with small feet, and Handsome doesn’t disrespect women with unappealing voices.  But your family seems to actually devalue short women – even though many of them ARE short women!

So here’s the funny fact about this.  Humans have been growing taller, as a species, for the last thousand years.  Have you ever seen actual suits of armor from the Medieval era?  The brave knights who wore them, the ultimate macho-men of all time, were the size of today’s twelve-year-olds!  Improved nutrition, better medicine, and knowledge of best exercise have all helped people grow everywhere.  My guess is that your family’s five-foot men and four-foot women are the descendants of three-and-a-half-foot ancestors, maybe even shorter!

And so, there’s a really good chance that if you and your four-foot beloved have children, the girls will end up taller than her, and the boys taller than you.  Just by a centimeter or two, but enough to quiet your family’s concerns.

But that’s not what I care most about.  After all, shortness isn’t all that big a problem.  Vladimir Putin is just a bit taller than you.  The great musicians Paul Simon and Prince are/were your height.  And if you ever watched the popular show Game of Thrones, you know that Tyrion Lannister is the coolest character EVER, and is close to your girlfriend’s height!

But you know who’s way shorter than them?  And everyone I know thinks the world of?  ME!  On all fours I’m not quite three feet tall.  But I fill every room I enter – everyone wants to pet me except those who find me frightening!  “That’s a big scary dog!”

I’m sure your grandmother, mother, and aunt have suffered from being short, and the fact that they want the children in their family to skip that suffering is a virtue.  But they also need to realize that, by being wonderful women, they taught you to LIKE women like them, and seek out that sort of girl.

Normally I’d push all sorts of great stories on you about love overcoming prejudice, from West Side Story and Marty to The Shape of Water.  But in this case, it’s not that your family insists on you finding someone like them, but that they want someone different from them.

So I’d like you to look them each in the eye and tell them that you think she – your grandmother, your aunt, and your mother – is perfect.  Just the way I see Handsome and he sees me.  There’s nothing you’d change about them.  And that that means that you know a bunch of perfect four-foot-tall women.  And you’d like to introduce them to another.

And then you can add that, if they can’t accept her, that you’ll have to keep her away from them.  And that that would be for the stupidest reason EVER, that they can’t accept someone like them!

And my guess, Awerpia?  My guess is that they’ll all roll their eyes, sigh at the fact that your kids will have the same problems they did, and then accept her – and fall as much in love with her as you have.

And hopefully, they’ll learn a bit about accepting others, and about valuing themselves.  Which will be just great for everyone.

With HUGE GIGANTIC hopes for you!

Shirelle

PS: Oh I almost forgot.  While there are supplements and things you can give your kids to help them grow taller, nothing’s going to make an adult taller without causing severe spinal damage.  Love her as she is.  After all, you already do!

0 What to do when two great guys are both interested in you

Devikas asks: I am stuck in a complicated situation. There are two guys who are best friends and they both love me. One of them is my best friend from a long time, and I met the other one about two months ago. They both have been asking me out lately and I guess I have feelings for both. This complicated situation is also affecting the friendship among the boys. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Hi Devikas –

You’re in that crazy situation I dream of, where someone puts a pizza on the floor at one end of a room, and someone else puts a lamb chop on the floor at the other end, and I have to decide which way to run.  Especially as I know that the one I don’t run to might disappear if I don’t pick it!

The funny thing about these dreams is that I don’t know if they’re good or bad dreams!  Sure, they’re frustrating, but at the same time, I either get pizza or lamb (or maybe both!).  So there’s nothing really bad in them, right?

Now, you’re very confused and frustrated in this situation. But I think you can look at it in a different way, and see it as a delightful treat.  You like both these guys, and they like each other too, right?  So what if you asked them if you could date both, for a while?  Just dating!

And — and this part is very important — make it clear to both men that you WILL eventually decide to get into a committed relationship with one of them, or break up with both.  You won’t make this a long-term game and just keep toying with them like a cat with a bird.

Now if you do this, sure, you’ll miss out on some of the nice parts about a committed relationship for a while.  But at the same time, you’ll be pursued by two awesome guys, both trying to outdo the other, and you’ll get to feel the joy of being the powerful one (unlike the way one feels having a high school crush, or finding out your boyfriend has three other women!).  

But, like the pizza and lamb, could something go wrong? Absolutely.

And that might prove to be the best thing about this whole deal.

Let’s say one of the guys says “No way, I’m not going to be treated like that!  If you can’t commit to me on faith, then forget it, I want nothing to do with you!”  Well, my friend, that will mean you’ve dodged a bullet!   You will have found out that that guy is bitter and vindictive, and doesn’t really care about your feelings.  It will be the best possible result of this whole story!

So I’d say to go for both.  Maybe even give them a time limit “I promise I’ll get out of this two-relationship thing by New Year’s” or whatever works.  

My guess is, there’s a really good chance you’ll figure out what you need to within a few weeks.  The one guy will not be as interested in you as he advertises, or the other won’t be as good at dropping those other women as he thinks.  

But in the meantime, how nice to be fought over!  In fact, I don’t know your diet, but maybe you could fulfill MY fantasy, and have one of the guys take you out for a great pizza, and the other to a restaurant where they serve lamb!  YOU’D TRULY BE LIVING MY DREAM!!!

Have fun with this!

Shirelle

6 Gratitude Anyway – sticking positive in negative’s face

Gratitude Anyway – sticking positive in negative’s face!

            I was getting depressed.

            All the people around me have been down or stressed or terrified for months.  And we dogs are big empaths (which means we feel what you guys are feeling), so I’ve been down too.

            But that was just from the stupid virus.  Now it’s worse – the continuation of the lockdown far past what anyone envisioned, the billions of people suffering from this around the world, the continuing death rate from the illness but also from accidents and murders from people’s stress and misery, all the fear going around…  it’s enough to make a tail unwaggable.

            But that’s not the way I choose to live.  So I decided to change my feelings.

            I can’t change what’s happening around me, of course, but I know that I’ll be more energetic, and more helpful, if I can also focus on good things, and feel grateful for them.  And there ARE still so many of them, despite everything.

            So I gave myself a task: Come up with 100 things I’m grateful for.  Grateful for right now, at this exact moment.  It wasn’t easy, but I did it.  And do you know what?  I felt better right away.

            So maybe you can try it too.  Stay upset, stay angry; we need that to beat this awfulness.  But also, appreciate what you’ve got that’s absolutely wonderful.  And struggle to think of it.  It is possible, I promise!

            Here’s mine:

Scientists are working for a vaccine.

Most people are behaving intelligently to slow the virus down.

The lockdown has been great for pet adoptions – many shelters have been emptied by people enjoying raising puppies and kittens in their time at home.

The lockdown has kept you guys home so much more, which we love.

Taylor Swift put out a new album that many say is her best ever (though I haven’t heard it yet)

I’m very hopeful about the upcoming US election, that new people will take charge who reduce the amount of poison in our air and water, and work to combat global climate change.

There’s Handsome.  Always there’s Handsome.

Pizza.

Trees.  I love trees so much – the shade, the squirrels, the place to squat or lift my leg…

Water.  Maybe there’s nothing more important out there.

YOU!  My pack, my readers, and every question I get from any of you!

Animal Rescuers.

The couch I’m not supposed to climb on but I do when Handsome’s not at home

Zoom, FaceTime, Doxy… imagine how much worse this lockdown would be if you guys didn’t have these!

Dogs Don’t Get COVID-19.  (at least so far)

Cheese.  All kinds.

Squirrels.  How boring life would be without them!

Naps.

Unlike you guys, we can bend around and lick and chew just about anywhere that hurts or itches or is dirty!

Walks.

My neighborhood – especially the dogs I get to see occasionally.

Buster Keaton’s movie Steamboat Bill, Jr.  Handsome had never seen it before, and it was glorious to sit in the room with him when he watched it in breathless awe last month.

Flowers.

The people who pick up our garbage and recycling and drive it away.

Leashes.  I know it sounds weird, but I’ve explained this before – they give me safety with some freedom.

Veterinarians.  I know that sounds weird too, but they’ve saved my life numerous times, whether I liked their methods or not.

Groomers…  well, really I don’t like doing that at all, but I do appreciate their being as nice as they can!

My house.  And all shelters.  For so many reasons.

My friend Dilla, who makes the funniest sounds and has a tongue that sticks out the side of his mouth.

My friend Aria, who melts my heart and teaches me new things all the time.

My friend Kuma, the best playmate I ever had.

Opera.  Of all the music Handsome plays in our home, this is the closest to what my heart is like.  Passionate, dramatic, and loud!

Grass.  To roll in, to run in, to sniff and pee on.

Memories.  Of lost friends, of great meals, of the best vacations.

Dog Parks!

Beaches!

Forests!

Beverly Cleary – the great children’s book author who always has done such a good job of helping her readers understand weird kids (and dogs!)

Trumpets.  I’ve always loved the sound of trumpets!  No matter how well or badly they’re played.

Bruno Mars.  Because if I could be a human, he’s the kind of human I’d want to be!

Dog Food.  Duh.

Treats.  Double-Duh.

Whatever it is in the human brain that makes so many of you want to befriend us, adopt us, care for us, play with us, fall in love with us. 

Speed Limits on cars!

And that there are NO SPEED LIMITS FOR RUNNING DOGS!

Ice Cream.  And because Handsome doesn’t like to eat too much dairy… all those fake ice creams!  Based in almonds, coconut, soy, cashews… all of them YUMMY! (the little bits he shares with me)

The shower in our house, which on hot days like today is the coolest place to lie down, with my back against the tile wall

My ability to run

My ability to jump

My ability to bark (even though it annoys people)

My ability to lick people’s faces

My ability to wag my tail!

The fact that, however smart he might be in other ways, Handsome’s love for me makes him too stupid to kick me out of the house for making noise and shedding hair all over the place.

The smell of chocolate (Handsome won’t let me eat it but… wow!)

Cool night air

Warm sunshine

Ear scratches

Head scratches

Nice soft stroking petting

Huge overwhelming hugs

Tummy rubs

And best of all, tummy KISSES!

Every moment someone I love comes to my home

The fun of barking at anyone I don’t know who walks by my home!

Governments and Charities who help their people devastated by this tough economy

Health care workers risking their lives to help people with this horrible virus

Scientists working to find treatments to help people with this horrible virus

Scientists working to find a vaccine for this horrible virus (I know I said that before, but isn’t it worth two counts?!)

Chew Toys

Bones

Tennis balls

Harnesses for us dogs that tie us to cars’ seatbelts so we’re safe in case of an accident

My doggy optimism that tells me things will get better eventually

The fact that even if people can’t get together as they used to right now, they can still laugh, cry, and dance.

Birds.

People who push to make this world a better place

People who risk their lives to keep this world safe for others

Dogs who do both

The feel of the ground when I lie on it

The smell of the ground when I lie on it

The sound of the earth when I lie on it

Other dogs’ butts!  Hey, just because you don’t appreciate them doesn’t mean I can’t!

The way some guys are so wildly attracted to women

The way some women are so wildly attracted to guys

The way some guys are so wildly attracted to guys

The way some women are so wildly attracted to women

The way we doggies are so wildly attracted to all you people!

The way so many of you people are so wildly attracted to us doggies!

The way (amusingly incomprehensible to me) so many of you people are so wildly attracted to nasty old kitty cats!

The stars in the sky at night

The clouds in the sky at daytime

Butterflies

The fact that history tells us no plague lasts forever

Firefighters

The new really amazing vegan meat substitutes that taste so much like the real things, but without anyone getting hurt!

Happy Couples

Good Marriages

Amicable Divorces

Did I mention how grateful I am for Handsome?

Did I mention how grateful I am for YOU?

And okay, #101 – a third shoutout to those scientists working so hard to get us to a new world where we don’t have to worry about this stupid virus anymore!!!!

So what do you think?  Can you do that too?

I know you can!

Shirelle

0 Is it wrong to marry someone when that will bring them into your family’s problems?

Kiran1209 asks:

 In my family, there is no good communication between my mother and father. And the situation has been like this for years. There is always a difference in opinion between them and this leads to fighting. Often I don’t like the atmosphere that is created in the house. There is never a normal discussion in our house, it always ends up in fighting ( verbally). I always have to intervene and lighten the atmosphere.  I hope you get what I am trying to tell. If it had been a little abnormal, I would have not mentioned this to you.  So, the girl I met comes from a different atmosphere (normal family ). It’s much better than our house. So, a thought comes to my mind “why a girl like her should be exposed to such a negative atmosphere?” And this thought goes through my mind continuously when I am at home (dealing with the condition).  And in arranged marriage it’s not just two people but the families are involved too.  I told her about the family situation too and asked if she wouldn’t rather have an arrange marriage with a more suitable option than me (family being my main concern). But even after telling her this, she wanted to go ahead with me. I didn’t understand why she still wanted to go ahead in this process with me. On asking her she told me “I discussed the above point with my mother (her mother) and she said you want to live with the person most of the time and his behavior matters the most.” Yes, the person who you are marrying matters the most, but the family’s behavior is also important, right?  I just can’t get rid of the thought that, why should such a person come into a negative atmosphere of our family.  How would you look at this situation??

Hi Kiran1209 –

There’s an old story about a traveling salesman.  He goes to a small town and wants to get a haircut.  He finds out there are two barbers in the town.  He walks around to check them out.  The first barber’s shop is a disaster – it looks like it hasn’t been swept up in weeks, the equipment is old, and the barber himself has sloppy hair and clothes.  He then goes to the second shop.  It’s neat, clean, and fashionable.  The barber is smartly dressed and groomed, everything in place.

He goes to the first shop.  Why?

Because that’s the barber who gave the second barber his haircut!   The neat one gave the crummy cut to the slob!

Now back to you, you are absolutely correct that families matter enormously in all relationships, and even more in arranged marriages.  But I’m guessing that this girl has seen that, in her family where her parents get along so well, she or one of her siblings is the “difficult one” in the house.  And the parents have to calm that person down.  Whereas in your home, you are the mediator, you’re the one making everything better.  Isn’t that the ideal guy she ought to consider marrying?!

I’ll add something else.  She’s heard your pain.  You hate what’s wrong in your parents’ marriage, and want so badly to have something different from that.  Well, when she hears that, she’s hearing “I don’t want endless fighting.  I want to work things out and be happy.”

I’m no mind-reader, but if I have this correct, this lady is S M A R T !!!!

All my best,

Shirelle

ps: Oh one other thing – she also sees that your parents, who struggle in their marriage, have still stayed together.  That also might mean a lot to her – this isn’t a family where people are going to divorce at the first disagreement!