Category Archives for "Questions"

0 How to deal with your boyfriend making false accusations at you.

Paballo asks: I’m 21 years old and I have been dating my boyfriend for over 6 years. He is my first and since him I haven’t been involved with anyone. Things we going great for the first years, but as time went by he cheated continuously, and when I asked him why, he would turn the blame onto me. I was patient thinking he would realize how much I love him, but it got worse when he cheated on me with the same girl for the past 2 continuous years. Last year I then decided to break up with him. As hard as it was, I continued to be single for couple of months. Then, during December, I saw him by the club and we ended up having sex, and after then I thought things were working out. He then started to dig into what I was doing during the break up and found nothing. Then one time when we were chatting on social media he asked me if I had a thing for his cousin’s ex, and I tried to tell him that I did not. He continued to stress the fact that I had a thing for him, I felt cornered and I snapped out of anger and admitted something I didn’t do. I feel like he needed closure from our first break up, that that’s why he came back to me, and needed a reason to leave me. It is hard for me to accept and move on more, especially as he made me believe in us when I was already trying to cope. Please help coz this is affecting my college grades.

Hi Paballo –

I am so sorry about this! I wish I could just climb up onto you, put my paws on your knees, stare into your eyes and whine to say “I feel for you!” This is just so painful!

So, first of all, I have to say, I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. You gave him a chance when you first caught him cheating, but left him when you caught him at it again (and I can’t even imagine what it must have felt like to learn that it had been going on so long). Then you gave yourselves the chance to rekindle the relationship after a while… and then he pulled this nonsense about his cousin’s ex. And now you know you need to move on from him. Absolutely correct.

But you’re wondering why it’s so hard. Well, I have two thoughts.

First, you’re Continue reading

0 How to work out issues between your boyfriend and your parents.

Confused Asks: So, I’m not allowed to date. However, I didn’t listen and I am dating my current boyfriend. My dad said that it’s okay that we like each other, but nothing serious can happen until I’m 17. I’m about to be 15. He makes me happy, and just makes me a better person in general. However, because I’m not allowed to date, I can’t hang out with him alone; we have to hang out with friends. The problem is, I’m not friends with any guys that he knows. We both came from the same middle school, so it was easy to hang out; some of my friends would go, and some of his friends would go. We all knew each other. However, now that we’re in different high schools, things have changed. He doesn’t want to meet up if it’s just my friends and me (because he would be the only guy). And my dad wouldn’t like me to hang out with just him and his friends. The thing that’s so hard about this is that my dad barely knows my boyfriend. I previously went to a catholic school from Kindergarten all the way until 8th grade, but we moved to a different building in the 6th grade. Because of this, my parents aren’t really familiar with any of my friends that I made past the 6th grade. My boyfriend came in 7th grade. I feel like if he had been in the school longer, my parents would be okay with me hanging out with him and his friends. Also, I take school very seriously, and I put it before anything. I’m on the swim team and I’m in a lot of different clubs/programs, so it’s really hard to balance school with family and with him. I haven’t been giving him as much attention as I used to; we barely get to talk now. When we do talk, 70% of the time we’re arguing. Recently, he told me that he doesn’t want to be together anymore because I’m not giving him enough attention. (I used to text him 27/4, but recently my schoolwork and clubs haven’t been giving me enough time to spend all day texting him. We also used to hang out before we went to high school, but now our circles of friends are different. Now we barely hang out, too. I also never get to FaceTime/call him nowadays. So now he feels like I stopped giving him attention.) I told him that I can change and find a way to give him more attention. But the truth is, I’m not sure how. I was going to try to talk to my mom and get her to let my dad let me hang out with him alone, but I highly doubt that would work. I don’t want to lose my boyfriend. What should I do?

Hi Confused –

So I’m seeing one solution to both your problems.  At least a bit of one.  Now maybe this idea is awful, but just in case…

Why not set up a time for your parents and your boyfriend and you to get together?  Why not all four of you hang out?

Your family could have him over for dinner, or the four of you could meet at a restaurant.  This would give your boyfriend a chance to show himself to your parents at his best, give them a chance to see him as a person (and not just as some ghostly figure their wonderful beloved daughter runs off with into the night!), and give you a chance to show your boyfriend how important he is to you!

Maybe this needs to happen more than once.

Then, if it goes well, your dad will have a better sense of this guy.  And if your boyfriend did his job and made a good impression, your dad will likely relax a little about the time you two spend together.

But don’t expect too much!  Handsome loves to tell about his girlfriend from high school, whose Continue reading

0 How to work out social problems at school.

3Valentina3 asks: At school I feel like such an outsider. Or like an extra (like in the movies). I also don’t have the courage to tell my friend G that I don’t want to be friends anymore. I don’t know what to do and I’m feeling so upset. I would tell my mom but she wouldn’t understand and she would say something like, “just focus on school – you’re not there to make friends”. But if she understood then it would mean the world to me! How can I tell her what’s going on?

Hi 3Valentina3 –

Really, you’re asking me three questions. They’re all tied up together, but you’re trying to juggle three problems at once. And I relate to your difficulty with this – the best I’ve ever done with juggling is to have a tennis ball in my mouth and throw it up in the air and catch it. Once.

So let’s try to make it easier by splitting it into three parts.

First, you’re feeling like an extra at school. This is COMPLETELY normal. I know it doesn’t look like it, but every kid and teen goes through feeling this. If someone’s popular, they feel like they’re not being seen for who they are, and can’t express themselves. If they’re not popular, they feel unseen at all, and unheard, no matter what they say.  And everyone, at times, feels misunderstood.

I’m not saying this to say it’s not a big deal; it’s gigantic. It’s a horrible feeling, I know. It’s like the way I feel when I’m locked in a cage at the veterinarian’s office – there’s nothing I can do, I feel abandoned by everyone I trusted, and I’m scared to death!

But the good news is just Continue reading

0 How to make friends when you have anxiety from being mistreated your whole life.

Roma asks: I am not part of a very good family relationship. My mother lost custody of me last year and I’ve been devastated ever since. I seem to have these breakdowns and anxiety every couple days or even more often than that. I have a decent life outside of home, but my grades aren’t great because I have no one who helps me with my homework. I get by with the whole homework situation fairly easily on my own, but now I seem to miss at least two homework or classwork assignments every single day. And I don’t even know the rules of my own school because when I started the school, my grandparents, whom I live with, just tossed the information we were given without acknowledging it. I intend to learn them, but am afraid to ask anyone what they are. I have ADHD and ADD and my hearing and sight are very bad. However, only my eyesight has even been thought about by my grandparents. I suffer from bad re-flux as well, and as you have probably guessed, they don’t care at all. But anyway, the question is: we have a field trip in May and my anxiety is so bad that I start hyperventilating at the thought of just about anything. The field trip is to the mountains. We’ll have fun I’m sure, but how do I prevent or reduce the effects of these serious breakdowns? I’ll be with thirty other sixth-graders, only three of them being my friends, and we are there for a week, 500 miles from where I live. I just don’t know what to do.

Hi Roma –

My friend, you are going through a LOT.  I know, no one ever said life was supposed to be fair, but your situation is simply UNfair.  I don’t know what your mom did or didn’t do to lose custody of you, but whatever it was was unfair to you.  The fact that your father is so not in the picture that you didn’t even mention him here is unfair to you.  And the fact that your grandparents – who at least are qualified enough to keep you – aren’t paying attention to everything you’re dealing with… is unfair too.

Then there are the other issues – the ADHD and ADD, the hearing, the eyesight, the reflux… and all this is SO unfair.

Which is all going to make my answer to your question sound weird, or even unfeeling.  Because I’m going to tell you to Continue reading

0 How to get a child to be willing to sleep alone.

Linda asks: Hello Shirelle, My questions have to do with my little granddaughter . She will be 4 years old soon and I am concerned about her emotional development. All of her short life she has not slept in her own bed not once. Her father and mother never married and are now separated. She lives with her mother who is a very good mommy. My concern though is that she is not allowed to sleep alone in her own bed in fact her mom never used the crib or even converted it to the youth bed for her. She has no bed of her own at all. She can’t sleep by herself even when she visits her dad who has provided her with her own room and bed. When she visits me overnight she needs to have me right there with her. She has severe separation anxiety regarding her mother but as soon her mom leaves to work or out the door she’s calmed down. I sense something is not right but I am not sure. Is all this just normal?

Hi Linda –

When Handsome first brought me home, he read every book he could find about raising puppies.  And while they had lots of different advice, one thing they all agreed on was that humans shouldn’t let puppies sleep on their beds, as it just creates problems.  But Handsome didn’t follow that rule.  He understood the problems they were concerned about, but he wanted his dog to sleep on his bed; he liked the idea of us cuddling up together at night.

And it’s been great, for both of us.  But the only reason it’s been good is that he never wanted me to stop sleeping there.  If he had, that could have gotten really difficult.

The problem your daughter has created is that, like me, her daughter is used to falling asleep next to an adult human.  And she doesn’t know how to sleep by herself.

As with a dog, this is a problem, but not a giant one.  What needs to happen – someday – is that Continue reading

0 Is it wrong to go out with a boy you just like, when you still have a crush on someone who rejected you?

Sonia asks: Hi just so you know, I have gotten over that boy I asked you about months ago! And also I am not the kind of girl who goes after any guy they see. Anyway back to the subject, basically I have had a crush on a sweet guy for about 4 and a half months and we are pretty close, but someone found out I liked him and told him (I had a HUGE breakdown!) And anyway I have the feeling that he isn’t gonna ever like me since my friends and him were talking and he said he only liked me as a friend and I’m happy with that but for some reason I just always get jealous when he seems more interested in my friend than me. But the strange part is I met my friend’s brother a few weeks back and yesterday I slept over at her house and hanged out with him, he was really cute sweet and reminded me of my old crush, and HE genuinely seemed interested in me and I have the feeling I’m falling for him and I don’t know what to do, try and become closer with my crush or become close with someone who I really like and even seem to have a better chance of liking than my crush will ever have of liking me?

Hi Sonia –

As I read this, it takes me back to my days in the pound, when I had been there longer than was supposed to be allowed (an employee there had been so nice as to hide my information from her boss, to keep me alive longer!).  Every few minutes, people would walk in and look at me, and all the other dogs there.  Some of them looked nice, and some smelled just terrific.  Eventually, one of them asked to take me out of the cage, and played with me a little.  I jumped on him, licked him, chewed on his finger… we had a great time.  And after a bit, he decided to take me home.  Which is where I’ve lived ever since.

Now I want you to try to imagine me, instead of licking him and playing with him, being standoffish.  Saying “I’m not so sure I want this one to take me.  I liked that other one, the one who was here yesterday morning and bought the Labrador.  She was better.”  What would have happened?

I know the answer!  Handsome would have said “Oh, she’s not what I thought she’d be like,” put me back in the cage, and taken another dog home – one who liked him better.  And I would have been taken, within a couple of days, down the hallway, through the door, to the room from which no puppies ever return.

Now your fate isn’t quite as frightening as mine, but to my mind, you’re in the same situation.  A boy you like tons isn’t interested in you, and actually is interested in some other girl.  A boy you like, but maybe not quite as much, is interested in you.  So you’re not sure what to do.

My advice is 100% GO OUT WITH HIM!  See how he treats you.  And if he’s nice, and fun, and treats you well, you’re going to like him more and more!  I promise!

Now if he doesn’t treat you so well, or if he’s a crashing bore, then yes, you may start thinking about Boy #1 again.  But as long as he’s good, I believe you’ll start to feel he’s actually great – very soon!

Best of Luck!  Let me know what happens!

Shirelle

0 How to deal with criticism from an aged mother.

Deb asks: Really need help on this. How do I (age 61) not care about what my mom (age 90) thinks about my clothes. I love my clothes, I love where I buy them. I (age 61) have a certain style I wear: Underblouse (long sleeve blouse worn under my) OVERblouse: loose fitting sleeveless top and I only wear pants. I don’t wear skirts, dresses, tank tops or anything slutty. I purchased all my clothes from the three 99 cent stores where I live. And I always get compliments on what I wear from strangers. A few months ago I learned from a childhood friend that seven of our childhood friends passed on. All but one died of cancer. The one that didn’t die from cancer died of an infection that attacked her heart. Then on Sunday, February 19, 2017: I play the piano very well – playing since I was 12 years old. When I play my mom (age 90) knows I am going to play the piano because either I tell her or she is in the living room when I play. This past Sunday she was in her room and I didn’t tell her. I closed the door that separates the bedrooms from the living room/dining room area so I wouldn’t disturb her while she watched a show. Then after I stopped playing I went into her bedroom. I told her I am not playing any more today. She told me she thought the music was on TV, she didn’t realize I was playing. I played the day before that, so I got a little upset thinking she was putting down the other days I played and confronted her about that. So then a little tiff happened and out of the blue she mentioned my stomach issue I am having right now, which didn’t bother me, but she also thru out AIDS. I got mad at the AIDS part, because I knew what she was referring to which was when I found out four months ago that one of my childhood friends died of an infection she said that I shouldn’t buy my pants at the 99 cent stores – I could get AIDS. So when she referred to AIDS on Sunday I knew what she was referring to and I confronted her, and that is when she attacked my clothes. We had some fight. Yesterday I confronted her about what she had said about my clothes, and she told me she really doesn’t remember what she said, at first I called her a liar that she did remember but she claimed she really didn’t. Then when I confronted her one more time yesterday she put down my clothes saying they are dirty, you don’t know who wore the pants, you can get AIDS. We had some fight and I said a lot of horrible things to her. I don’t care if she doesn’t like my clothes, or my sense of style, I just don’t like her to put them down. BTW I hate the way she dresses. She wears jeans with a long sleeve blouse two or three sizes too small, or black pants (in the winter) and only beige or white pants in the summer with a Tee shirt.

Hi Deb –

I have some strong opinions on this issue (none of which have to do with dressing well; we dogs have no sense of style at all, which is why we are happiest running around naked or with just a collar!).  But first I need to explain something about my relationship with Handsome, and really all domesticated dogs’ relationships with their humans.

People say we love our humans.  That puts it far too mildly.  We adore them rapturously, and we also see them as our unquestioned leaders.  We might disobey our people, but that’s like a little child disobeying their parent; we don’t actually think we’re in charge, but we love testing the boundaries of what we can and can’t do.   I don’t know any feeling in the world worse than when I’ve truly hurt or disappointed Handsome.  I’m not exaggerating when I say I’d rather die.

So this is going to sound weird, coming after I’ve said that, but what I really need for you to do, Deb, is to Continue reading

0 What to do when your taste in clothes is different from most people’s.

Reena asks: Is it weird than more than 50% of my wardrobe is black? I’m not into black magic, I’m not evil, not depressed, not goth, not trying to hide my weight. I wear black, bcoz I love black. That’s it. But I’ve noticed how ppl stare at me and the looks on their faces. I mean, I don’t wear everything black all the time, I always do match it with other colours too, but they look at me like I’m some kind of a villain or something. Also, I’m from India, and ppl here are conservative. I hate being stared at, so how do I deal with the unwanted attention?

Hi Reena –

You might have heard the partial-truth that dogs don’t see color.  Actually, we just don’t see hues; we see something like what you see in a black-and-white movie – so a similar shade of red and green look just the same to us.  (I was very excited a while back to hear a movie was coming out called “Fifty Shades of Grey,” thinking this was something made for us pups, but Handsome explained to me that it was more like a very rough obedience class!)

So the fact is, we dogs see black in just the same way you people do.  But the difference is that it doesn’t have the same meaning to us.  After all, we dogs come in all sorts of colors, which don’t have anything to do with any choices we’ve made.  Black Labrador Retrievers are a lot like Blonde Labrador Retrievers, you know?  But we can develop prejudices of sorts.  For example, I was attacked by a full-grown black dog when I was a puppy; years later, Handsome was walking me near a very large black Newfoundland, and I suddenly found myself on my back nervously submitting to her, although she was perfectly nice; I had learned as a puppy to be scared of black dogs that were that much bigger than me!

What I’m getting at is that black clothes are popular for many reasons – including the ones you mention (goth fashion, depression, making one look thinner) – but also because people think they often just look great.  And you might have looks that particularly look great in black, and maybe not as great in certain other colors.  But you’re dealing with the meanings that are in other people’s heads, not your own.

Or are you?

Is it possible that those people are looking at you because they find you pretty?  Or maybe there’s something else that’s affecting them, besides your color choice?  I find people are very good – too good – at coming up with ideas of what other people are thinking about them.  Not always correctly!

But let’s say those people actually are bothered by your black clothes.  Well, then I’d say your best way to avoid being stared at is to dress the way they do.  Do they wear white? Bright colors?  Denim?  Brown?

Or, here’s my real advice: Continue reading

0 Why do older children wet their bed?

miles asks: My biggest secret is I still wet my bed and I have to wear pull ups to bed. I don’t want to but I have to. Why do I still wet the bed? I worry people will find out. I never told anyone my secret before.

Hi miles –

I don’t know if there’s another issue that causes so much shame in humans as inability to control their bladder or bowels.  I suppose it’s because parents put such importance on it in child-raising.  There’s really no reason why it should be any more embarrassing than a runny nose or an uncontrollable cough, or tripping and falling down – these are all areas where one fails at what they’re trying to control – but it is.

I don’t know your age, miles, but I’m going to assume you’re over six.  If you were younger than that, I’d say not to worry too much.  But if you are, there really are two things to do, and they come in a very clear order.

First, you should Continue reading

0 How to get better at talking to strangers – and crushes.

arjai101 asks: Dear Shirelle, I feel like I’m delusional. I constantly seem to be coming up with arbitrary and false reasonings for claims I hope to be true. Particularly, this is true if I like someone. Or, If I hope they like me. Most of the time, I would never date the person. But, no one has ever liked me before or expressed any feelings for me outside of the delusions in my head. I feel like I make up things that have never happened or turn small things into things that are bigger. When in reality, it is impossible. I don’t know how to stop. Or, maybe I can’t stop because it’s easier to accept a bunch of self-constructed lies. It’s a little hard when everyone around you seems to have experienced some kind of romantic occurrence except you. Before, It kind of fit in with the whole awkward adolescent vibe. At this point, it is actually embarrassing. In addition to this, one of my delusions might be true or just another way of rationalizing it all. I feel like maybe I’m intimidating. Maybe, people are scared of me or I have RBF(Resting B—- Face). It’s not like I’m some broody loner in the corner. I’m extroverted. I love being around people. But if I like someone or if I’m hallucinating that they like me, I have this way of ignoring people. Not blatantly, I may have never uttered a word to them before. It’s kind of an instinct, to pretend like there not there. (Not look at them, acknowledge them etc.) I would talk to them. Sometimes, I do. It depends on the situation. For example, there is one person, who I never really talked to just because I guess I found them intimidating. And now, I would love to talk to them but it would seem so weird if I did because social dynamics are so set in stone at this point. I’ve had opportunities for small talk but I can hardly make a good impression as I lose words. It’s particularly those times I do the whole instinctual ignoring thing. Maybe they’re just as intimidated by me as I am by them? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Or, how to stop doing the things that are screwing everything up? Or, am I just crazy? Anyway it goes, I need advice.

Hi arjai101 –

As a dog, I don’t think or talk much about the subconscious.  Sure, I like to dream, and Handsome tells me I’m just ridiculously cute when I dream I’m chasing a lion or fighting a polar bear, and my feet run and my mouth twitches, sometimes even barking myself awake.

But there’s the other kind of subconscious.  The part that, with full reasoning, controls our actions without our knowing about it.  One of the main ways it works is with fear.  I’ll see a dog who reminds me of one that beat me up as a puppy, and I’ll be submissive on my back in under a second – I’m not consciously thinking it’s that dog, but my subconscious takes over and makes this happen.

I think that’s what’s going on with you.  Let’s be honest – other people can be scary.  And even more so when you’re attracted to them.  They aren’t aware of it, but they hold such enormous power over you at that time.

And if, as you say, you’ve never known someone to have strong feelings for you (ARE THEY CRAZY?!  YOU’RE AMAZING!), then you have no reason not to expect a new person to feel just the same.  Which, if they expressed it, would make you feel hurt.  Of course.

So, as a human, you don’t fall on the ground with your tummy exposed, the way I do.  Instead, you withdraw.  Shut down.  Almost like a deer or rabbit, the way they go still when they see me around.  And not only do you physically shut down, but your brain goes numb too, and you can’t think of anything to say.

This is totally normal.  Though, as you say, it sure doesn’t help get relationships going.

So in terms of what to do about it, I’m going to recommend something completely ridiculous.  I want you to Continue reading