Category Archives for "Parenting"

0 Why are young people into negative things?

lynch asks: Why are young people so hooked on the negative things?

Hi Lynch –

I don’t fully agree with you – I see young people hooked on positive things all the time – but I know what you’re talking about.  In particular, I imagine that, when you say “young people,” you’re referring to teenagers and people in their early 20’s.

There is a definite thing about that age that draws humans to a certain negativity.  They’ll often speak with a cynicism, listen to harsh music that says unpleasant things, and show great scorn for their parents and other authority figures.  And that’s the “good” kids – while others are smoking cigarettes, drinking, or doing illegal drugs, joining Continue reading

0 How to resolve a fight between your children

Erika asks: My two sons, aged 11 and 13, had a fight over a remote control a month ago and surprisingly they have not spoken to each other after that. I am quite worried. I have asked them to shake hands several times, and threatened to remove some privileges if they continue to not talk to each other. They would ask nonsense questions just to please me, but when left alone, they are back to their non-speaking situation. What else should I do, as I am so worried sick that this situation will remain for the rest of their lives!

Hi Erika –

It’s so interesting how these things happen.  Today, I also got a letter from Ricca (even a similar name to yours), about a fight she was in with her sister.  I want you to read that one, because I think it applies, but of course you’ll need more than just that.  (Just put her name in the Search box, and you’ll get it).

Of course the difference between you and Ricca is that she was in the fight and you’re not.  You’re on the outside, just like me!

But from my outside vantage, I need to point something out, that’s very clear from this distance (but maybe not up-close).  This fight is not about a remote control.  It never was.  No one cares this much about a remote control!  This is about your sons’ issues with each other, which existed long before that fight, and are continuing.  Now I don’t know exactly what the issues are or were, but that’s our job to figure Continue reading

0 How to resolve a fight between sisters

ricca asks: Today my sister and I were having a big war, and we’re still not settled down. What should I do?

Hi Ricca –

Thanks for your question about your fight with your sister.

Of course, I have no idea what your fight was over, or who was right or wrong.  But in the end, that really doesn’t matter anyway, does it?  What’s bothering you is that your fight is continuing, and that you need a way to resolve it.

Now if that’s only your feeling, and not your sister’s, that’s your first problem.  Somehow, you need to convince her to work with you to move past the fight.  I usually find that the best way to get that going is to find some part, any part, of the fight that you can acknowledge was your fault.  Or where you were wrong.  Let’s say the fight was because she set your bed on fire by accident.  Now you’re not about to say that was okay, but maybe you could acknowledge that if you had made your bed, the sheets wouldn’t have been touching the floor, where the gasoline she spilled could reach them!  (Don’t ask me how she got gasoline into your room or how it got lit – this dog’s imagination only goes so Continue reading

0 How to handle a stressful family

Mandy asks: I’m a young teen in need of help. Pressure and stress have gone to my head, and I have had enough with my family! My stepmother and biological mother are smothering me! I am tired of living. Can you give me something to raise my spirits? That’s really what I need right now.

Hi Mandy –

I know exactly how you feel!  And I can promise you one other thing – so does every person reading this!!!  EVERYONE goes through it!  Especially when you’re a teenager!

You might have heard of a famous actor named James Dean.  His most famous role was in a movie called “Rebel Without a Cause,” where he played a teenager pushed to the edge in lots of ways.  At the beginning of the movie, he gets in trouble with the cops, and his parents come to get him, arguing and worrying and criticizing and scolding until he finally screams, “You’re tearing me APART!”

Sound familiar?

Mandy, I would love to give you something to raise your spirits.  But I don’t know you well enough to know what kind of songs or jokes or food you like (for me: Artie Shaw, watching cats slip on bananas, and cheeseburgers!  Just in case you were wondering).

So instead, I’m going to make a point that I often do, but I think it just can’t be emphasized enough – This Will Pass.  It is very hard for teenagers to believe this, and there’s a very important reason for that.

In the last decade or so, scientists have discovered a fascinating thing about brain development.  By the time a kid becomes a teenager, their brain is fully complete, with one exception.  They don’t yet have a full sense of Time.  That sense isn’t full till one is 19 or so.

This is why teenagers are so passionate and intense (which is great) and why they so often feel that what they’re going through at the time will last forever.  (I love to point out that Shakespeare was totally right to have Romeo and Juliet be teenagers; if they were in their 20s, they’d have calmly worked to find a way to either make their parents get along, or sneak away.  So what a bore that play would have turned out to be!)

Mandy, it totally stinks that you’re having to go through all this with your mother and stepmother.  It’s not fair and it’s not reasonable.  But it is temporary!  The day will come when you can move out, or you can get them to treat you better.  But for now, my impassioned advice to you is to do what every dog in the world does when they’re left at home alone.  Trust that somehow, in some way, life will get good again.  And it almost always does.

And in the meantime…   songs, jokes, and food…  hey those can really help!

Cheers,

Shirelle

PS:  But if there’s anything I can suggest, to make dealing with these ladies easier, just let me know.  I’m always glad to help.

0 How to tell an only child they’re about to have a younger sibling

Haj asks: How should parents deal with the first child, when the mother is about to have a second child? How she should prepare and give time to the first one, to make sure they don’t get emotionally disturbed?

Hi Haj –

What a great question!

You are absolutely right to want to prepare your child for having a younger sibling.  For many kids, this is the biggest event of their lives, and the most difficult.

It’s easy to understand why.  Since they were born, that child has been the center of your universe, and felt it!  No matter what scary or upsetting things came at them in their life, they knew one really important fact: I am the person my parents love more than anything else in the world!

And now, suddenly… oops!  What’s about to happen?  Their whole world is about to crumble!  Their parents have chosen, chosen!, to bring another kid into this home, to split their attention between us instead of giving it all to me, to love that other kid as much as me, or maybe Continue reading

0 How to deal with a child’s stage fright

parents asks: My 6-year-old daughter is in grade one this year and she is really good in her studies. Now the school is having a spelling competition, and I want her to participate in it because she is a good speller, but she doesn’t want to do it. She told me she’d have to go up the stage alone and everyone would be watching her try to spell a word, and she’s too shy so she doesn’t want to do it. What worries me is why she is labelling herself as ‘shy.’ It is o.k if she doesn’t do it, but I am afraid that later in her life she might see herself as a shy and miss out on chances, whether in her study or her career. Can you tell me how to act in this kind of situation, what I should say and do? Do I have to push her to take the spelling quiz, or tell her it is o.k if you she’s not ready? For now, every time she tells me she’s shy, I tell her she’s not, and that everyone feels shy but they go ahead and do things. Is this right?

Hi Parents –

Thanks for your question about your daughter’s shyness.

If your daughter were older, I’d be giving her all sorts of suggestions, as I have to others here, on how to get comfortable with public speaking.  But a child of six really doesn’t need these skills yet.  What I want you to do, instead, is to work to build her self-esteem, so she’s able to confront her fears later on.

There’s even a really good chance that your daughter doesn’t really fear getting up in public, but hears other kids at school saying that they’re scared of it, and wants to fit in with them. That’s totally normal for this age, and not a bad thing at all.  If so, when she sees other kids get onto that stage, she’ll suddenly crave to do it herself, and your concerns will be all Continue reading

0 What to do when your father hits your sibling

Shae asks: What can a kid do when their father hits their sibling?

Hi Shae –

Thanks for your question about your father hitting your sibling.

Now I don’t know two very important things.  First, I don’t know where you live (and what the laws are there), and Second, I don’t know exactly how your father is doing this hitting.

I do know that, where I live, it is actually illegal for parents to hit their children unless it’s minor (the thing to remember is the three O’s – Open-Handed, Over the clothes, and On the Continue reading

0 How to convince parents to allow a piercing

George1997 asks: How can I persuade my parents to get a piercing?

Hi George1997 –

I’m guessing that you mean that you want to persuade your parents to let you get a piercing.  But if I’m wrong and you’re actually wanting to persuade them to get piercings themselves – I’d strongly advise you to give up!    If someone doesn’t want something shoved through their skin, it’ll be very hard to change their mind about it!  (I can tell you that I hate having anything shoved through my skin, whether it’s a needle from the vet or an angry dog’s fang, and both cases involve me being forced against my will!)

But it sounds like you really want to have one yourself.  Well, at least I’m glad you’re saying you want your parents’ permission.  There are lots of places where it’s actually a law that a minor has to have parental permission to get a piercing or a tattoo, but regardless of whether that’s true where you are, I think it’s a very good idea to get their okay first.

Now I realize that lots of people love piercings (and tattoos) and see them as very fashionable and cool, while others see them as Continue reading

0 Is it okay for older siblings to play rough with their younger ones?

Jessie James asks: I like to stuff my little brother in the hamper and make him sit all squished up while I think of commands that he must obey or I punish him somehow. Others have suggested that this is abusive, but I find it appropriate to teach him discipline and compliance. I don’t see it as any worse than you trapping a squirrel in a hole of a tree and making him wait until you get called for dinner by your master. What do you think, Shirelle?

Hi Jessie James –

Thanks for your question about how you treat your brother.

Well, I guess I should first explain that, when I trap a squirrel in a hole, I’m not doing it to tease him or even “abuse” him.  He’s trapped himself in there till I get called to dinner, because he knows that if he comes out – he’ll be my dinner!  So it’s not quite the same thing here – which is very good news for your little brother!!!

In fact, the sort of teasing you’re describing sounds a lot more like something a cat would do than a dog.  Cats like to play with their prey a lot.  In fact, I get the sense that they’d rather play with a mouse or a bird than eat it.  We mutts aren’t that way at all – if we catch that animal, we want the reward of a full tummy right away!

Okay, so onto exactly what you’re doing with your brother.  I’ve known younger siblings who absolutely love games like you’re describing.   And the fact that he’s staying in the hamper, and playing with you at all, makes me think he’s one of those (other kids would scream their Continue reading

0 Kids’ need for free time

Soontobeloner asks: My mother doesn’t respect what I want to do. I go to a stage school, and I like it and all, but it’s ruining my life! I can’t go out with my friends, and if I keep this up I won’t have any friends at all! So what should I do?

Hi Soontobeloner –

I’m pretty confused here.  When you say you go to a “stage school,” I assume you mean a school of drama, dance, music, etc.  Many kids here will envy that you go to a school like that (as opposed to the ones they have that are all about math and history).  But then you say that you can’t go out with your friends.  And that’s where I’m confused.

Are you saying that your school keeps you so many hours that you can’t have any time with your friends?  Or that your mother is just insisting that you can’t go out with them in the free time that you do have?

Either way, this hits one of my pet peeves.  Kids and teenagers absolutely need time with their Continue reading