Category Archives for "Parenting"

0 Is it okay to feel ambivalent?

Shikuza blue asks: I have quite a big family. Sometimes I feel that it would be better if I could live on my own alone. But now when my house is empty because everyone is abroad, I am alone – and not liking it too much. Even though I know that my parents will return from their trip and I will go back to my wanting a more solitary life, I can’t live it now.

Hi Shikuza blue –

To put it in the most confusing way I can, you’re not alone in your wish to be alone but not be alone!  This feeling is very very common, especially in teenagers.  It’s called Ambivalence, and its what we feel when we either don’t want anything, or we want two or more things that are completely opposite.

There are lots of things that look a bit like Ambivalence, but aren’t.  For example, when you’re wanting to diet so you can lose weight, but you really want that yummy chocolate cake you just saw.  You’re not ambivalent about it – you just want two things and have to decide which you want more.

But when you really want to be alone but don’t want to be alone, or when you really want to hang out with someone you often don’t like, or when you want to try something new that you think you won’t like – those are Ambivalence.  And it’s really difficult!

The most famous case of Ambivalence ever was a character named Hamlet, in a play by the same name.  This poor guy was a prince who found out his uncle had murdered his father, and then goes pretty much nuts trying to figure out what he should do about it.  But he also struggles over a bunch of other things too.  At one point, he’s so confused, he considers ending his own life, and famously even struggles with that (“To be or not to be, that is the question.”).

So Ambivalence can be a mess, no question.  But there’s one thing about it – it shows Continue reading

2 Do colleges and universities care more about grades or the prestige of a high school?

Navyaashali asks: I am going to class eleventh now, and I study in a big boarding school whose cost is a lot. If I stay in school then I will have the school name and my principal’s CV, which will help me get into a college, but I will have very little time to study. But if I leave school then maybe I would have a high percentile, and it would help my parents financially, but I would not have the extra stuff which is helpful to get into a good college (provided you are a brilliant student). Please give me some advice.

Hi Navyaashali –

You seem to have the pros and cons of each decision very clear:  If you stay at the boarding school, you’ll have lower marks from a higher-rated institution; and if you go to another school, you’ll likely have higher marks from a lower-rated place.

I don’t know that I can choose between these two, any more easily than you can – based on what you tell me here.  So I would suggest that you bring another issue into the mix.

When a human applies to colleges and universities, the admission staff does look at the prestige of the schools the person attended, and at their grades.  But they also look at the Continue reading

0 What to do when your parents won’t give you, or let you earn, what you want

Casca00 asks: I’m 17. I have not been the perfect daughter but I believe I have been respectful to my parents and fulfilled my responsibilities. But here’s the issue. My father is a Doctor and my parents’ financial condition is fine. But I am pretty much broke. My brother and I don’t even own cellphones. We don’t have any working computers because they broke and nobody seems to care. I had to borrow my friend’s laptop and ask our lovely neighbor for the password to their wireless. My dad uses the computer at his workplace and both of my parents have Samsung Galaxy something something mobiles. They don’t give me regular pocket money, so therefore I can’t even save up, though there is so much I want to do, like taking cello lessons or learning foreign languages. Last summer I stayed home for the vacation instead of going with my mother, and begged my father to let me find a job. I even found many workplaces that are looking for employees in our neighborhood. He refused without giving a reason. Most of my friends are working on holidays and such, so I don’t see why I couldn’t. I tried reasoning with them and asked for them to at least give me a regular allowance or give me some chores to do. But it’s impossible to make them listen to me. They don’t refuse me on this; they just say ‘OK’ then leave it as it is. I am starting to get tired of this. To be fair, we live in a nice house, they recently restored my room, and they never ask for anything I can’t do. I am grateful for things they’ve done but… I want my financial freedom. What should I do?

Hi Casca00 –

This is a really perplexing situation.  I often get letters from kids who resent that their parents can’t afford things for them, or from parents who refuse to give their kids stuff and want them to get jobs instead.  But you’re saying your parents are refusing both.

And this leads me to only one conclusion – that it’s not about money, it’s that your parents don’t want you to have certain things.

Is it possible that they simply don’t believe someone your age should have a cell phone, or a computer?  I can see why a parent might feel that way, as we hear so many awful stories about what kids find online or write about each other.

Although, even if that were the case, it wouldn’t explain them not wanting you to take cello lessons or learn foreign languages.

So I’m stuck.  With one possible exception.  You could have a parent who thinks like Handsome’s mother’s father!

Handsome’s grandfather was, like your parents, a caring and generous soul.  And he was also very Continue reading

0 When your parents won’t let you join a team

problempup asks: I have asked to join the school’s athletic team, but my parents said no. Help, Shirelle – this could be my big break!

Hi problempup –

There’s not a lot I can say, without knowing why your parents said no.  But I’m going to guess their refusal comes down to one of two reasons, and I’ll offer you my best thoughts on those two (but if I’m wrong, and it’s another reason, let me know!).

Usually, when I hear parents refusing to allow their kid to do an activity, it’s because they’re concerned that the youngster isn’t devoting enough time to their studies.  And that’s especially true when an activity is as time-consuming as an athletic team.

But if that’s the case, you can give a decent argument.  Firstly, you can tell them that Continue reading

0 How to keep listening to music your parent thinks is harmful

BVB ARMY asks: I took your advice and I’m 2 months clean (I haven’t cut in 2 months) but my mom says that the music I listen to is having a bad influence on me (I listen to rock and metal, etc.), and she thinks I’m going to become a Satanist. I’m really annoyed because it’s so hard to reason with her, and now she’s convinced because one of my mom’s stupid friends told her about a guy who liked the same type of music as me who then became a Satanist, and he started cutting and stuff and he went and joined with a Satanist group and has never been seen since. And since I’m a little depressed, my music is my only escape – and my mom wants me to stop listening to it even though it helps me. She just doesn’t get it! I tried to explain to her, but she says music can’t help anyone unless they want to go hell (my family is really religious), and she says if I listen to them I will become depressed (which I already am but she doesn’t know – and I can’t tell her because I don’t know how she will react. Once I tried to tell her and I almost started crying, so I changed the subject.

Hi BVB ARMY –

Thanks for telling me about your two months without cutting!  That’s GREAT news!  You’ve made my day!!!

I’ve written other pieces about the question of what kinds of music are good or bad.  But I think the real issue here isn’t about the music itself, but about your relationship with your mother.  She doesn’t sound like a bad woman to me – she sounds scared.  And scared because she loves you more than anything else in the entire world.

Now , I don’t agree with her opinion (or rather, her friend’s opinion) about heavy metal.  But I know that if I were doing something that Handsome thought was harmful for me, he would do everything in his power to stop it.  Like when I built up the strength and know-how enough to get over the fence and go out of our yard.  He had other stuff he had to do, but put it all aside to put up more fencing, so I couldn’t get out.  It’s not that I was being bad, it’s that he was petrified I’d get lost or run over or picked up by dogcatchers!  That’s how your mom’s feeling.

Your best bet, now, is to Continue reading

0 How to get past a trauma

Cashy asks: I am socializing now, but only with people I am familiar with. But I always feel awkward around boys I don’t interact with much (friends of friends mainly). I see them on a daily basis but I am still not comfortable with them. I am very quiet when I am around them. And I don’t like staying around boys when I am the only girl there, even if my guy best friend is there – I usually leave when my girl best friend leaves without even a goodbye. And I don’t actually know why. I have two theories as to why I am so awkward around them. One could be because I spent most of my childhood with no boys, only my sisters, or it could be because I was molested several times by different people when I was younger. Do you think my social awkwardness around unknown people is because I was molested? I mostly feel awkward around boys but I also feel awkward around normal people (waiters, cashiers, etc.). How can I cure myself of this? For example, I had several flashbacks of my molestations today, so I was super quiet. Should I share this with my friends? I shared this with one friend already who had been molested once too, and it felt better to know that I am not alone. So I want to tell another best friend, who I highly doubt has been molested. How do I move on with my life with knowing what happened to me? I know you would like me to see a therapist, but I would like to recover first without one. But if I am not able to move on, I will see a counselor if necessary.

Hi Cashy –

We dogs aren’t known for subtlety or “beating around the bush.”  So I’ll jump in on this one the same way I would on a squirrel or a pizza:  Yes, I think your social awkwardness is absolutely related to having been molested!  And yes, I want you to seek out better help than this loving, caring pup can give.

Here’s the deal.  Of course I don’t know the details of what was done to you, but children live in a world where they feel vulnerable and attacked all the time – a mean kid, an angry parent, a mean teacher, or (I hate to admit it but) a nasty dog all are really frightening to kids.  And yet, somehow they survive all that, and learn from it, and are able to grow into healthy adults.  But sometimes, an adult does things to a child that go beyond what’s normally Continue reading

0 How to hang out with friends when you can’t drive

prettyndsweet12 asks: I’m finally 15 ! It seems like just yesterday I was 12 years old, struggling with my medical condition asking you for help. Now my life has changed a lot. I’m tired of people asking me to hang out and having to turn them down because I have no ride, or I’m scared to ask my mom. I wanna be the 15 year old that shops with her friends, has sleepovers, hangs out and even gets in trouble for being out to late! Where do I start – but most importantly how do I start? I don’t feel comfortable asking my mom to let me get picked up by a 16-year-old boy, but I want the teenage experience!

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

So if I understand your question rightly, you’re saying that your friends are asking you to come out and have fun, and you’re eager to do it, but you feel you can’t because you don’t have a ride and you’re not comfortable asking your mom.  Is that right?

I might be missing something here, but my first thought is — how are they getting to where they meet up?  Can they pick you up, or could their parents pick you up?  And if they’re too far away for that, can you take a bus or even a cab, to get to them?

I’m wondering if you’re being more Continue reading

0 Why should a person hire a psychotherapist?

Salvatore asks: You had asked me before whether I am consulting a psychiatrist or a therapist or not, for my grief and depression over the loss of my mother. The answer is ‘NO’ for the following reasons: I am of the view that a psychiatrist is an ordinary guy who will try to fix my problems because its his profession; I feel that opening my heart and my life history will induce the same pain I felt when I actually went through the painful circumstances; I also feel that if I go to a psychiatrist and tell him everything, God may not like it – He’ll think that I am complaining for what happened; and last, but not least, my elder brothers and sister don’t have time to take me for sessions (my brothers have consuming jobs and my sister’s in a very difficult school program). I share all I have to you, instead of a therapist, because it doesn’t give me mental fatigue. Nowadays, everyday when I wake up, the first thought that comes in my mind is that my mom is dead. I feel shallow. The normal routine is almost restored. Sometimes i feel there is nothing wrong, while at other times I feel that life is unnatural’. I get the feeling that I can never achieve my goals. But my brother often reminds me that, ”God doesn’t burden a soul more than his strength.”

Hi Salvatore –

Of course, I’m not one to demand anything of anyone (except squirrels – I do yell at them to get off my roof!).  But I would like to throw one more argument at you, about talking to a professional (doesn’t have to be a psychiatrist – they tend to cost so much! – but a school counselor, a therapist, a spiritual leader… just someone who knows what they’re doing).  It’s a story I heard recently.

There was a man, of great faith.  The weather forecasters told everyone in the area that a huge flood was coming.  And this man knew, deep in his heart, that God would save him.  So when it started to rain, and some neighbors stopped by in their truck and asked if he wanted to come with them to escape the flood, he said, “No, for I know God will save me.”  So they drove off.  It rained and rained and rained, till all the ground was covered in over a foot of water.  Some people rowed up to his house in a boat, and asked if he would climb in, so everyone could get to safer ground.  “No thank you, I know God will save me.”  So they rowed away.  It kept raining and raining, till the only place the man could be was on the roof of his house.  A police helicopter flew down and lowered a ladder to him.  “No thank you, officers.  I’m fine.  I know God will save me.”  Finally they pulled the ladder up and flew away.  And it kept raining and raining, and eventually the water overtook him and he drowned.

He then went to heaven, and beheld Continue reading

0 How to help an oldest child deal with feelings of sibling rivalry

Candy kids asks: I have three boys ages 3, 4, and 6. My 6-year-old is very unhappy lately. He pouts a lot, and does not smile or act silly like he used to. He gets mad at his little brothers often and has been getting aggressive and angry with them. I am concerned about him and want my happy little boy back. He gets very upset when he doesn’t get his way and acts more like a 2-year-old than a 6-year-old. He was never a child to throw tantrums or fits when he was younger, but is doing it now. He never seems happy with all that we do or with what he gets, and recently always wants more. I am concerned he is becoming a spoiled brat. I just want him to appreciate and be happy with what he has and to be nice to his brothers. Please help! What can I do other than discipline him?

Hi Candy kids –

If you read what I post on here, you’ll see that very often I’m kind of, sort of, I don’t know, unsure about my answers.  I’ll say something like, “Well it might be this, but it might be that… I just don’t know enough to be sure…”

Yours isn’t one of those cases.  I’m about 99% sure I’m right about this one!

You see, I have this wonderful human I live with, Handsome.  He’s my favorite thing in the world, and I’m his.  And I know very well that he could never love anything in the world nearly as much as he loves me…

…and then he sees some cute puppy.  And he runs to it and plays with it and pets it and gives it a kiss on its head, and it rolls over, and he rubs the little thing’s warm chubby tummy, and…

…and I go BALLISTIC!  Not at Handsome, I just want him to like me better.  I go angry at that sweet little innocent Puppy!  I jump right on top of that little beast, growling, snarling, showing just how big and sharp my teeth are and how much bigger I am than that little cutie is, and give one clear message:  “STAY AWAY FROM HIM!  HE’S MINE!”

You see, although I have lots of interests (pizza, squirrels, who’s been at the fire hydrant lately, pizza, this website, other dogs, other people, pizza…), the most important thing in my world is, and always will be, Handsome.  I depend on him for my home and my food, and my faith in the world is all based in my sureness of his love.  And while I’m fine with him being friendly to others, and even all huggy-kissy with his girlfriends, I can’t deal with the idea that I might have to share his love for me with another dog.

Now your son, when he was two years old, had the same view toward you that I have toward Handsome.  He knew he was the center of your whole universe.  And suddenly, something very strange happened, and you went out to the store and came back with this odd pet called a Continue reading

0 What to do if a boy hits a girl in fun

prettyndsweet12 asks: I recently had an encounter with a boy slapping me in the face. I did hit him back and just assumed he was just playing. I told my mom about only to find out that she told my grandma and my dad. I told my mom as a way to bond with her and let her know I’m trying to be more open with her and it was only supposed to between her and me. How do I explain this to my mom nicely and how do I tell my dad I don’t want to talk about it with him?

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

You’re dealing here with two problems.  One is with your actual relationship with the boy.  The other is about how different people see certain actions.

With the boy, it sounds like you’re feeling okay about what happened.  I’ll allow that, though I will say that I get a bit concerned about a boy who thinks it’s “just playing” to hit a girl.  When I play with other dogs, it’s very rough, as you can probably guess.   But we have some very specific rules.  One is that if one of us yelps, the other pulls back right away.  Another is that, if one of our humans tells us to stop, we have to stop (at least for a second!).  The problem I’m having is that most boys have a similar rule, to never hit a girl.  So the fact that he slapped you, even in play, means he’s playing by a different set of rules.  And I don’t know what they are.  I certainly don’t want to see a wonderful girl like you in a relationship where it’s considered “okay” for you two to be hitting each other (eventually it wouldn’t be fair to you, just by the nature of the way boys’ arms and shoulders are built).  So I’d really like you to feel like you could talk to him about it – maybe to say “That was okay, and I made it even, but don’t ever hit me again – it won’t be okay next time.”  Something like that.  If you do that, and he respects what you say, all is fine.  (And if he doesn’t, I hereby give you the right to get your friends together to pound him!)

Now, about your parents:  It’s impossible for a kid or a dog to understand the way our Continue reading