Category Archives for "Growing Up"

0 How time feels different after a trauma

Salvatore asks: I have been facing this tiny problem that sometimes depresses me, so as I have come home from hostel to prepare for my 1st Professional, I thought of writing to you. I think too often about how quickly time flies…and it seems really abnormal due to: 1) how we all SCHOOL friends suddenly became UNIVERSITY going students, 2) how My mom’s 3rd death anniversary is this month though it feels like JUST yesterday she was among us, 3) one of my cousin got married last year, it feels so abnormal cuz we used to play together in our childhood (although she is 5 yrs older than me), and I always knew she was gonna get married way before me. But still it feels unreal how we all became adults from being just under 15 yrs old… It doesn’t feel normal that 4 yrs have passed since my Dad’s death and all the plants that he had planted in our lawn, are still ok and there… Why does time pass by so quickly… I can’t answer this question so could YOU help me understand if there is an abnormality with the time or with my way of processing things… I think in my brain I am standing at the same place I was 7,8 yrs ago while everyone around HAS changed.

Hi Salvatore –

I have to admit, I have a very poor sense of time. All dogs do. That’s why, when you’ve been gone from our house for two hours, we go nuts upon seeing you return – we have no idea how long you’ve been gone, and weren’t sure you were ever coming back!

When you’re young, you humans have a similar sense of time to ours. Remember when you were a little child and you couldn’t understand even the concept of it being a year till your next birthday, or how long a schoolday lasted? Well some of this is because, when you’re that young, a year (or a day) is such a big chunk of your life. But it’s also because your brain hasn’t fully developed. In fact, a sense of time is usually the last part of a human’s brain to develop in their adolescence (you might be finding that you’re more able to schedule your schoolwork now than you were a year or two ago; that’s why – your brain is actually more able to conceive of such things than it was. And far more so than mine will ever be. Isn’t that cool!).

So your sense of time would be changing at this age, no matter what.

Then there’s your recent transition. Starting a university life will change anyone’s sense of time’s movement – you move away from your old friends, and they stay the same in your mind, while their lives move on, they age, they change, etc.

But then there’s of course a far bigger reason for you, in particular, to be having this sort of confusion. And that’s the horrible experiences you went through over the past few years.

Some time back, I was in the back seat of a car that Handsome was driving, and he made a small mistake, and the car suddenly spun out of control across the highway, when we were going around 80 miles an hour (that’d be about 120 kilometers). It was amazing that neither of us was killed.

(Quick note here: the main reason I wasn’t killed was that Continue reading

0 How to deal with having a special-needs sibling

Starlight asks: My big brother is two years older than me. He has a disability that makes it hard for him to talk. He can talk but he can’t say the words right so you can’t understand him a lot. We go to the same school. He is grade 6 and I am in grade 4. Why is his schoolwork a lot easier than mine? His work is like grade 1 work. I am on a higher reading level too. He still reads books with pictures in them. His homework is so much easier then mine. The kids at school are mean to him and he doesn’t have many friends, so I some times feel sad for him. My mum and dad treat us different. I don’t know why but I feel like I am older and he is more like my little brother.

Hi Starlight –

I don’t know anything about your brother except what you’ve told me, of course, but it sounds to me like you’re right – in a lot of ways you are the older one. But I’ll change that and say, you’re the more highly developed one.

Let me explain what I mean. If you and I were born on the same day, we’d have both begun as helpless little infants. But a month later, you’d still have been a helpless, gurgling baby, while I’d have started walking already. And by the time we were six months old, you’d be maybe starting to crawl, while I was running laps around the yard, and starting training classes where I’d learn about ten words. And when we were each a year, you’d be just starting to walk, and I’d already be my full adult size. So I would have been far more developed than you.

But then, you’d have started to pass me waaaay by. You’d start talking, which I still can’t do. And while your walking wouldn’t be as graceful as mine yet, you’d have kept learning more, to the degree that by the time we were three or four years old, you could start dancing school if you wanted, or karate classes, or tennis lessons – none of which I could do. I really stopped my development by age one, except in some emotional maturity, which I reached around age five. Which is when you would be starting school and learning to read, write, do mathematics… and on and on it goes.

My point is that age isn’t really all that important. There are other differences between us that matter more, in terms of development. So sure, your brother was born first. But he has some developmental issues (though I can’t say what they are) that have hurt his speaking abilities, and have the school believing that he’s not capable of the same level of schoolwork you are.

Teachers try to give all their students work that challenges them, but isn’t too difficult for them. So it sounds like they’re giving you more advanced work than your brother because they believe you two are at these two different levels. If they’re correct, it’s likely you will continue to be ahead of him in that area, and possibly some others. It doesn’t mean anyone’s doing anything wrong; everyone’s doing their best to give you and him the best treatment they can. Including your parents.

But I will throw one story in about this. When my human friend Handsome was growing up, he knew a family where the oldest child was considered very developmentally delayed, to the degree the family put him in a special home, and raised his two younger siblings instead. But at some point, the home found out that the oldest boy just had a learning problem, and with the right help was able to speak, read, and write just as well as his younger brother and sister. And by the time Handsome met them, he couldn’t tell what problems the oldest boy had ever had.

So that’s why I can’t say what your brother’s issues are. Maybe he just has a speech impediment, and is a slow learner, and maybe there’s more going on. But for now, your job is to be a wonderful supporter of him (especially when those other kids are mean), but to also make sure you get the attention you deserve. Because whatever his issues are, you matter too. Just as much.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to deal with being the youngest at a college

arjai101 asks: So, I applied to that technical university I told you about, and I got in. And, I decided to dual enroll there full time. Up until now, I’ve felt confident in my decision, but now I feel like I’ve just signed myself off to two years of loneliness. See, we were supposed to have a practice class or some orientation. But, it turns out that wasn’t for us!!! So, I have no idea how I’m supposed to meet other students like me on campus. It will literally be like finding a needle in a haystack. One of the reasons I chose to dual enroll was I thought it would be a good way of finding a tight-knit group of friends. But now, it will be absolutely impossible. I’m going to be on that campus all alone, and all my friends at my high school don’t exactly have flexible schedules, and I can already feel myself drifting away from the group. It’s just a natural thing that happens. Some might suggest, just make friends with those college kids; it’ll be fun blah blah. But let’s be realistic, what college kid is going to want to hang out with a 16-year-old?! It’s like being a freshman times two. And even if I miraculously did manage to make some college friends, it’s not like my mom would approve. So, I’d just be sneaking around her all the time, which would just be a massive headache. My mom will argue that there will be some nice campus kids from church on campus. But, I don’t want anything to do with them. I don’t want anything to do with our church; I can’t wait until I don’t have to go there. I don’t agree with about 90% of their views. Plus, the campus church kids will just want to make me study the bible, and I’m not exaggerating at all. So I guess my question is, what am I supposed to do about this? I’m still in clubs at my old school, but nothing is the same now that I’m not there every day. They went back to school three weeks ago and my first day is this Monday, so I’ve had three weeks to realize how lonely it is. I thought that this practice class/ orientation would help me meet some people, but apparently, that isn’t the case. What do I do? I don’t want to go back to my school. Plus, it’s a little late for that.

Hi arjai101 –

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

I am so impressed, and, to whatever degree a loving pooch can claim connection to you, SO PROUD OF YOU!!! I’m gonna be walking around today with my chest sticking out EXTRA far! WOW!

Meanwhile, your question makes lots of sense. I think I’ve told you about my friend who started college even a bit younger than you, who had mixed feelings about having done that – in some ways great to be the youngest there, and in some ways not.

But as to your overall question, I actually have an answer. Not based on her experience, but on my own.

When Handsome first brought me home from the pound, I was only three months old, and the veterinarians told him not to take me to a dog park for another few months, so I’d be old enough to handle possible diseases that might be there. I’m a very social pup, so it was really hard for me to handle being kept away from other dogs for that long. And when he finally took me to a huge park with tons of dogs, I was ecstatic – ran around ready to play with everyone. And they were…

Well, some of them were only barely interested in me. Sniffed me, let me sniff them, but then they went on their way. Others wouldn’t even notice me. And then there were still others who barked at me and chased me away. I was miserable. I mean, I had Handsome there, who would come up and give me pats and hugs, but no one would play with me. I was crushed. And on the way driving home, Handsome told me, “I’m so sorry, puppy. You reminded me of being a kid on my first day at school. In fact, I think you reminded me of every kid the first day at school.”

But he then did something very smart. He brought me back the next day. And this time I wasn’t as eager or pushy, and a few dogs walked up to sniff me. And then, as I walked around, I found a dog who’d play with me for a minute. And then I found another. And another.

And soon, I met someone who would change my life. An Akita-mix named Kuma. Kuma had come from an abusive past, and was afraid of most people, and played so roughly most dogs didn’t like him. But he and I were made for each other! We played so hard and crazy that both of us were exhausted by the time we left the park. We did so well that Handsome and Laura, Kuma’s human, started planning to be at the park at the same time so we could beat the daylights out of each other. And then to have some play-dates outside the park, and even sleepovers when one of the humans was out of town! Kuma became the best dog-friend I ever had.

So why am I telling you all this? Because this is exactly what’s going to happen to you at college. You’re going to go and feel there’s something wrong with you because you’re young. Someone else will feel there’s something wrong with them because they’re older, or short or tall or skinny or plump or athletic or unathletic or a certain race or a certain religion or… Everyone there is going to feel like an outsider (except those who have friends there already – and they’re likely to wish they could get away from them and meet the cool new people around them). And this feeling might last five minutes or five days.

But it will end.

Somehow, you’re going to meet someone you like. Who likes you. Who is interested in the things you’re interested in. And who’s going to want to hang out with you.

And how do I know this?

Because everyone starting school there wants exactly what you want – friends, ways to have some fun, and to stop feeling so alienated and lonely!

So you have two jobs, arjai101. The first is Continue reading

0 How to deal with a shame-based parent

G-face asks: I’ve had a lot of problems over the years that I’ve struggled with and gone to counseling for, and one of my biggest problems is my mom. I love her, but she’s always been a really judgmental person to me. She nit-picks on everyone and everything. It’s like if she doesn’t approve of something, she’s going to shame it until you don’t approve of it, either. And I feel like she does this with me a lot. She judges a lot of the things I say or do and acts as if they’re the stupidest things ever, and sometimes her negative comments really make me feel bad about myself. She’s also starting to see every difference of opinion as an argument, so if I say one thing wrong she starts raising her voice and defending herself. It’s come to the point where I don’t feel safe with her anymore. I can’t even have conversations with her and if she gets upset I just have to keep my mouth shut so she can have the last word. As I said earlier, I’ve gone to counseling for this before cause it got really bad at one point and I started having mental breakdowns. She even came to a couple of the sessions for group therapy, and that just made things worse. My relationship with my mother is starting to feel like a lost cause. And it’s hard because she’s really the only relationship I have right now. I just moved to a new city and I know no one, so I’ve been isolated for a while and have no one to talk to except her. I’m not really sure what to do about this situation. How to fix things with my mother, and also how to feel less isolated and lonely. Any ideas?

Hi G-Face –

This situation you’re in is awfully sad to read about, and way more common than you probably realize. I get lots of letters – from people of all ages – about situations like this.

In fact, I guess you could say that what I see as the big issue here is really the main reason I have my website.

Let me explain. I live with a wonderful human I call Handsome. I love him more than anything and think he’s absolutely brilliant (He knows how to go to a store, get let in, and come out with bags of food! I could never do that!).   But as I’ve watched him and his family and friends over the years, I’ve noticed a quality that their giant brains have that I don’t, and which I’d never want to have. It’s called Shame.

Shame is the most awful, destructive, quality I’ve ever seen. What cancer does to bodies, Shame does to souls. It tells people they’re not good enough, that they aren’t lovable, that they’re fundamentally alone – and leaves them to struggle with that pain. Even dogs who’ve been abused don’t have Shame (They might believe that they can’t trust anyone, that no one will ever love them, but their small brains don’t follow that up with a logic that says there’s something wrong with them – they’ll just believe the world is a mean place. That’s bad enough, but Shame is even worse!).

And if all that isn’t enough, Shame makes a person see the world through a Shame-lens, and hear and speak through a Shame-Language. So the way they treat the world, and the way they see even those they most love, is all about their feelings of being unwantable and unacceptable.

Sounds like the definition of Hell, doesn’t it?

Well, to me, it sure sounds like that’s the problem your mother is suffering from.

You see, people see so much of their self-worth in their children; they feel that if their kid succeeds, that means they’re good parents, but if their kid fails at something, then that must mean they’re not good enough. (This is all COMPLETELY UNTRUE, by the way – children of great parents fail at things all the time, and children of lousy parents can be great successes in all sorts of ways. But I’m talking about the way the parents judge their children and themselves).

So when your mother sees you do or say something she doesn’t love, she’s personally offended – in her mind, you’re making her look bad. (I can only imagine how crazy it would make me if every time I pooped in public, Handsome was shocked and humiliated, feeling that it was the same as if he were doing it!) And because you’re “doing” this to her, she’s very angry with you. And if you talk back to defend yourself, you’re “doing” it to her even more!

Now you and I know that you’re not actually doing anything to her at all. But she can’t see it that way.

So what should you do to Continue reading

0 How to deal with realizing how different you are from others

Wooff asks: Recently, I’ve made some lifestyles changes. You could say, I’m going through a spiritual awakening. I have the years of hardship I’ve gone through to thank. I understand that these life lessons are our teachers. I want to delve into more before I get into the question. With this spiritual awakening, I’ve come to listen to my thoughts and decide on how to use these thoughts. I know everything in this world is up to you. But I’m in college at the moment. I have a diverse group of friends and sometimes I get sucked into their thought processes where we talk about other people or treat other people a certain way. I didn’t really have this problem back in high school when I mostly kept to myself and didn’t have many friends. So, how do I control how I think and behave around people who act and behave a certain way? Because it takes a lot of self control. Another question would be, why is it so hard to find people like you? I would really appreciate finding someone whose going through the same things as I am. I know there are people like me. But sometimes it gets lonely and hard to control myself.

Hi Wooff!

I’ll say it simply, my dear friend: this is hard. It always has been, and always will be.

Most people don’t get the clarity you’re having. Because they had more friends from ages ten to eighteen, they have always adjusted themselves to their peers’ beliefs and attitudes, and by your age are just beginning to question those (often because they’ve left home and discovered new friends whose views are very different). But you’ve been more of a loner and individualist. So now you’re discovering these conflicts and wondering what in the world happened!

Well I’m going to start with the bad news (which I personally think is wonderful, but will be bad for you right now). Which is that, when you say that you know there are people like you, I disagree. Yes, there are people who will share your spiritual or political views, or your moral sense, or sense of humor. But my friend, you are absolutely unique. Hey, we dogs have a lot less variety than you guys do, and I’m the only one of me, right?   So you might well need to face a new world where you realize you are, in many ways, going to always be alone (Handsome just yelled to me that, if you aren’t familiar with it, you should take six minutes to close your eyes and listen to one of the most amazing recordings ever made, Bob Dylan’s famous single “Like a Rolling Stone.” It might define exactly the way you’re feeling).

And my answer to your question really relies on your realizing this fact.   In many ways we are all one; I love the idea that we’re all part of one gigantic soul. And I certainly believe that life is better the more we realize how connected we all are (clearly – otherwise I’d never have this website!). But it’s also true that we’re each unique and magical and perfect and flawed and… hey look, every dog is really good at knowing who was in their neighborhood that day by sniffing trees, right? So believe me, EVERYONE is unique!

So the trick I’d offer you has two steps. First, you just need to accept that you’re where you are in life, and that this is a time for everyone where this issue is difficult. Forgive yourself, and give yourself some slack to make some mistakes as you learn how to handle it.

But second, I suggest you take up a little meditation ritual. Every morning and every night, just for a couple of minutes, close your eyes, breathe deeply, and concentrate on this paradox – that we’re all one, we’re all alike, and yet we’re all different. Let your brain struggle with that a bit. See the frustration of it, and the wonderful beauty. Think about how there could only be one Beethoven, yet his music has affected everyone. Think about all the millions of soldiers that have given up their identities to serve in war, and how the loss of each of them has been the worst thing that ever happened in someone else’s life (their mother, their lover, their wife, their child). Think about how every person in a traffic jam is annoyed that there are so many other people in the traffic jam!

And the more you focus on this issue, the more it will become just a part of you, to see everyone as individuals and as parts of all of us. And to realize that you always have the choice to conform or to differ, to join or to step away, to commit or to flee. And that the choices you make define who you are.

Though I can say that the choices you’ve made over all this time, to write and talk to me about so many things, mean that I see you as absolutely wonderful. And it would be very hard for anyone, even you, to change that definition in my heart!

All my best,
Shirelle

0 How to improve a child’s memory

Join my pack asks: I have a 9-yr-old son. How can I improve his memory power, as he always forget his stuff in the school and never completes his work? He is a very active child and very talkative. Then what is the reason that he is so lazy with his school works?

Hi join my pack –

I’m going to give you the worst answer in the world, one you’re likely to hate:

Your son is right on schedule.

You say your son is active and talkative; that tells me that he’s curious and interested in things, and he doesn’t suffer from depression or some debilitating disease. But he doesn’t complete his work, and forgets things in school. Like most nine-year-old boys.

Of course, it’s easy to say, the best way for him to remember more of what he learns in school is for him to complete his work (that’s what it’s there for, after all). But the more important fact is that we remember much more of what interests us than what doesn’t.

My human friend Handsome told me a story about this. When he was just older than your son, he had to write a report about every book he read. Nothing big, just a paragraph or two. At one point, he read a 300-page book about a family raising lions. Nothing against lions, but he barely managed to come up with three sentences about it. He simply couldn’t remember any more of it than that. Then one night he read a 50-page book about horror movies – the first time he’d ever seen a book about these flicks he loved so much. And it excited him so much, he wasn’t able to fit his report into the teacher’s form – he needed three pages to write it up! In fact, I’ll bet if you asked him about it a month after he read it, he could have easily told you a hundred facts he learned from it.

So your son needs one simple thing – to Continue reading

0 How to try veganism safely

Wooff asks: I’m thinking of going vegan. My family is not on board with this idea mainly owing to the fact they think this life style is damaging. I’ve completely cut off beef from my diet and I don’t consume pork anyway. I really want to study abroad for my university and I’ll be living alone then. I think I’ll try going vegan then. What do you think about the vegan life style? I’m willing to wait 2 more years before I can go vegan because of my parents but what do you think I should do?

Hi Wooff –

You are so sweet to always refer to me as a person, but of course you know I’m not. And we dogs are very carnivorous. In the wild, we and our wolf ancestors pretty much live exclusively on animals we catch or find. That’s the way our systems work best.   Yes, you’ll see exceptions all the time – most dogs love carrots, and of course you’ll see us eat grasses a lot when we’re feeling nauseous – but in general, we are hunters.

You humans are much more complex in this area. Over the millennia you’ve been around, you’ve developed very complex and varied diets, largely dependent on your locations and your cultures. The hunter-gatherer peoples ate somewhat the way we dogs do, though bringing more fruits and vegetables in than we tend to. The agrarian peoples developed brilliant and insightful farming skills, not only raising grains and such but even using animals in ways other than for meat, such as eggs and milk products.

These systems worked just fine in their times and in their places. But today, everything has shifted.

First of all, of course, as long as one has the economic means, they can eat pretty much any diet they like anywhere. Living in northern Europe doesn’t mean you’re stuck with what you can find or hunt, and living in Russia no longer means you must eat a potato-based menu every day. Grocery stores everywhere sell oranges and tuna and chocolate chip treats. You can eat what you like. It’s just fantastic!

On the other hand, these advances have also created lots of problems. The changes in wheat in numerous parts of the world (such as the United States, where I live) have made it far cheaper, more plentiful, and longer-lasting, but also resulted in many allergies and illnesses that we didn’t see before (Some even see a tie between wheat gluten and Autism, which, if ever proven, could really change things a lot). And while we’ve eliminated a lot of the problems people used to have with meats going bad, our factory farms have also created all sorts of horrible health issues from hormones and antibiotics in the food to Mad Cow disease.

What’s the answer?!

Well, there’s no absolute one. But I do know two things. And those are the only advice I can really give you.

One is that Continue reading

0 How to deal with someone harassing you on social media

Reena asks: Four years ago, I had joined a job (mom had told me to work there temporary), but honestly it was more than a year and I got stuck there because we needed the money. The place was making me miserable because I wanted to join Aviation back then and because the money there wasn’t good. I couldn’t even mask my feelings anymore and it showed in my body language and some colleagues knew that something was wrong with me. This became apparent to my Trainer too, who assumed that I’m dealing with a breakup! There’s a saying here in India, “We as Indians love to do two things. 1st stare at people, 2nd assume things about people”. To add to it, some people in the batch told my trainer some good things about me and then this guy started chasing and dropping hints shamelessly that he wanted to be friends. He gave me the impression of being a terribly lonely person because no one in their right mind decides that you have become their best friend overnight. It takes time, it’s a process. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m not friendly but honestly I didn’t want to be friends with this guy for a number of reasons. Things that I had observed about him during training: He had intimacy issues, he wasn’t comfortable with emotions. He could be very cold to you, if it wasn’t his need (selfish). He could lie shamelessly to protect himself (manipulative). If you and he are not on the same page in life, he won’t even make an attempt to understand where you’re coming from. He just can’t understand why you are like that (lack of empathy)! I saw all these things, never said a word but decided, I don’t want this guy in my life at least. I used to royally ignore him but he just didn’t want to take a hint and leave me alone. Of course it hurt the irrational male ego. He wouldn’t let go. He started cornering me in class, asking questions he knew I wouldn’t be able to answer, damaged my reputation at work, telling people that I’m selfish and insensitive. To be honest, Shirelle, if he had ever come to me, told me like an adult that he wanted to talk to me, we could have sat and had a mature adult conversation where he could be transparent about his intentions and tell me upfront what he was looking for and I could honestly tell him that I’m not on the same page in life, not looking for the same things as him. I could tell him that if he is trying to move on from me, I could help him. I would be able to genuinely respect this guy. But no, that hurts the male ego. He wouldn’t do that. He would rather use indirect tactics, talk behind my back, make faces when I passed by, lie shamelessly, etc. Today, we’ve both left that job. However, he has now started to attack me on Facebook. Back then, he was telling people that he wants to help me out of humanity because it looks like I’m dealing with problems, he has no other intentions (remember, manipulative). Trust me, I am genuinely fed up of this guy who won’t take a hint and leave me alone. I want absolutely nothing to do with him. He is pretending like he doesn’t want to be friends with me but he complains about me saying I’m not very social blah blah blah. I don’t care. He is very immature and I don’t know how to get rid of him. Please help. I will not reciprocate, that is 110 % sure. However, if he needs my help to move on, I can definitely help.

Hi Reena –

I’ll be happy to help you, but I’m going to jump on your case on one issue first. As a dog, I tend to see people as all the same, or as individuals. Most broad-brush statements about groups (all women are emotional, all Americans are loud) I find incorrect and often really wrongheaded. Now I completely understand how a woman has to deal with the worst qualities of men, especially in the workplace. But I can promise you, from everything I’ve seen, men do not have a monopoly on fragile egos! I’ve seen women pull just the same garbage this guy is doing, and I know that when people read your question, some of them (particularly the men) will pull back, and relate less to you, because you keep talking about male egos. So while I fully agree that this guy’s ego is running things, and much of it may be about his bruised sense of masculinity, I’d love you to be careful about making statements like that.

Well, except if you’re talking about cats. Then you can say they’re all sneaky and stupid and smelly and…

Ah well, back to your question.

Okay, this guy is AWFUL!!! I don’t blame him for being quiet or shy or even unempathic, and I certainly don’t blame him for trying to be friends with you (oh if I worked there, I’d be sniffing around your chair, jumping up on you, nipping at your shoes every day!). But he is being a total jerk right now. No two ways about it.

So maybe there was something you could have done better last year. Maybe it would have been best to talk to him more directly, like “Hey it seems to me you’re wanting to have a closer friendship with me than I’m comfortable with. I appreciate it, but I’m sorry I can’t do that right now.”

Or maybe not. I don’t know.

But you have a very different problem now, and it needs to be dealt with. But how to deal with it is tough. Here are a few possibilities:

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0 How a teen can best deal with their parents’ divorce

paytay143 asks: I’m 18, and about to be a sophomore in college. And I don’t even know where to begin. I came to you once for advice about an issue with my boyfriend and it really helped so much. So now I’m here again. But this time, the issue I’m having revolves around my parents. You see, my parents are in the middle of a very nasty and ugly divorce. It started really in the fall of last year. So not exactly great timing for me, as things between my parents escalated right as I was starting my first year of college. You see my dad is somewhat of a functioning emotionally abusive alcoholic. And he has never once treated my mother the way she deserves to be treated. I could go on and on about how horrible it was to be around him most of the time, but to sum it up, being at my house, it was like walking on eggshells around him. Even the slightest thing would set him off. Then he’d scream and yell and blame us and then go out and get wasted with his friends. Then he’d come home and just be awful to all of us. My mom has tried to leave him TWICE. But stayed with him for the sake of my sister and I. Well eventually sometime this past December, my dad moved out. Things were great at my house. My mom, my sister and I were all getting along awesome and everything was great. We were like our own cute little sorority house. Then dad started getting nasty and saying awful things to our friends and family about my mom. He called her horrible names and even said he wished she was dead. When my sister and I confronted him about this, he denied everything. And things kept getting uglier and uglier. At this point, this whole ordeal is a rollercoaster. Some days are fine and everyone is civil. And some days my father is just an awful person and says horrible things and then tries to manipulate us into thinking he’s a victim and that everything is my mom’s fault. At this point I just want this all to be over. I’m just waiting for the day that this divorce is final, but my father is doing everything in his power to prolong the ordeal. And now he is threatening to push the sale of our house. Yep. My father is basically trying to kick my mom, my little sister and I out of our own home. And apparently there’s a 50/50 chance that he’ll get away with it. He has constantly ruined so many things for me. He ruined my first year of college, he scarred a good part of my childhood because he was drunk for a good 75% of it, and now he’s trying to take my home away. And I can’t help but feel like this divorce is my fault. That me going to college, and working so much, and having a boyfriend and not being around so much, created problems. It wasn’t always bad around my home, ya know? Sure there were bad days, but my dad had a lot of good days too. He’s a goofball and he made us laugh and he loved to be outdoors and do something cool. But in this case, that little amount of good wasn’t enough. And I can’t help but feel like I’m to blame sometimes. Like I could have done more to help. And throughout this whole year I have let so much guilt and anger and sadness consume me and I really sucked at my first year of college. I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed everyone around me; my mom, my dad, my sister, my boyfriend, my friends, my family. And I feel like I’m not good enough for them and that I don’t deserve any of them. And I have never felt more useless, pathetic, and alone. I have no idea how to make things better for myself. I have no idea even if things will ever get better. I had an enormous breakdown last night and I needed someone to talk to and no one was around. I felt all of these crazy thoughts and feelings and I even almost called a suicide hotline but didn’t because I felt pathetic. I am so lost and I don’t even know what to do to move forward. I’m not even sure if you can help me, but I just need someone to tell me something that isn’t just “oh don’t worry everything will be okay.” And I guess that’s it. I could go on and on but I’d probably just be repeating myself.

Hi paytay143 –

So first of all, I want you to look at a post I have on the AskShirelle website, about when divorces are the kids’ fault.  It was submitted by MyrnaFan1.  Please read it first.

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Okay.  Did you cheat and keep reading?

Well, if you did, here’s the answer:   NEVER.  It is literally impossible for a divorce to be the child’s fault.

Especially with the situation your parents are in. In fact, you’ve even been told by your mother that she tried to leave him twice before, but stayed for the sake of the children. So one could argue (although it was always her choice) that you were indirectly responsible for them not divorcing sooner.

Now if you’re asking whether having a mediator in the house, someone to work on their marriage, to help your father quit drinking and deal with his rage issues, to help your mother find the strength she needed… this super-person… if that could have helped them work things out and saved their marriage? I honestly don’t know. Maybe, maybe not.

But I do know, as sure as I know lambchops taste good, that THAT HAS NEVER BEEN YOUR JOB. In fact, I’d argue that, if you had tried to make it your job, you’d have failed. Not because you’re not smart or caring, but because you’re their kid. If your pain and wishes weren’t enough ten years ago to keep him from drunken rages, why would you have been able to stop them now? These people changed your diapers and taught you to use a spoon; they’re not going to even be able to see you into a place of power to change their whole way of being.

My human friend Handsome is a psychotherapist, and works with a lot of couples. They pay him well to be the ‘expert,’ and give them ways to fix what’s wrong in their relationships. And at least half of his suggestions never get taken. So I’m saying that there’s no way you could have fixed things if you’d been there.

In fact, from everything you’re telling me, I am thinking things are actually working out for the best. Yes it’s just awful right now, but look at what’s ahead: Your mother will be free of his anger and abuse, and won’t have to walk on eggshells anymore. Your father has a good chance of “hitting bottom,” which experts on addiction refer to as the point when an addict finally admits they need help and takes action to improve their lives. (You say he’s been “functioning;” well I’m liking the idea that he might be reaching the point where the dysfunction gets so strong he does some things to save his life!).

My friend, there’s an experience I see lots of teens go through when they first go to college. They’re away from home, from their parents, from all those rules and problems, for the first time, and it can get a little scary. I see them often start to think about their childhood in ways they never had before, start to wonder about books and movies they liked when they were five, and about things that all seemed normal before and suddenly now they’re realizing weren’t. And become as homesick as me in a kennel when Handsome’s been gone for two weeks!

So I’m guessing that, while your parents tried to protect you from their divorce when you were growing up, their timing has hit right when you were going through all of this. And so you, maybe more than you ever would have before, desperately wish you could put the pieces back together and re-create the best of your childhood, the fun times, the joking and laughter and love.

And instead you’re facing a future where your parents won’t even be in the same home.

This is HARD, paytay143! It’s not fair and it’s heartbreaking. And it’s what’s going on. And, sad as I am to say it, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it.

But you CAN change the future.

How?

Well, for starters, your Continue reading

0 How to deal with a father who’s been in prison

Justinsbae asks: It’s Fathers’ Day once again, and I just feel like crying. I see everyone posting on social media about their dads and I’m just sitting here without one. I haven’t seen my dad since I was 3 or 4. I always assumed it was because he didn’t care, but then I see on the news this year that someone with the same name as him has been in prison for about 10 years, so maybe that was why he hasn’t come to see me. He also has a girlfriend and two other children. Anyway on to the advice bit. I need your help as he is getting out soon, and has contacted my mum and has asked to speak to me. But I’m not sure how I should do that as I hate talking on the phone and a text or letter can come off the wrong way. I feel the best way would be to meet him and tell him how much he has affected me, as that’s what I have always wanted to say to him. But I don’t think meeting him is possible as his girlfriend stopped sending me money through the post in the last two years apparently, so I’m guessing she wants nothing to do with me. Please help what is the best way of contacting him?

Hi justinsbae –

Wow!  This letter makes my heart hurt!  I am so sorry you’re going through all this!

You bring up a number of really difficult issues. Parents who have girlfriends or boyfriends or spouses who try to keep them from interacting with their kids; how to tell your parent about the effect they’ve had on you; how to talk with someone when you don’t like talking on the phone; having a parent in prison; and not knowing why you haven’t heard from your father in years. Any one of these is enough for me to write one of my usual posts on, and all of them together are… WOW!

So I’m going to have to pick and choose. I’ll start with the last one, which I think is the most important for you. The fact that you haven’t known why you haven’t heard from him. Did your mother know he was in prison? Has this been kept from you (maybe out of very loving reasons)? Or did she just find out too? Or are neither of you even sure he’s the man you heard about? Either way, Continue reading