Category Archives for "Growing Up"

Should you be friends with someone who “only wants to be friends”

Nicnak asks: Dear Shirelle, There is this boy that I like, and he is a year older than me. We have been talking a lot, and he found out I liked him. He said he likes me in a way, but doesn’t want to date a person a year younger than him. Do you think I should just be friends with him?

Hi Nicnak –

 

Thanks for your question.  You’re actually in a kind of funny situation, because normally boys like to date girls a year or so younger than them.  It actually makes a lot of sense, as girls mature earlier than boys, so very often a girl of, say, 15 is a better match for a boy of 16 than of a boy her own age!

 

But given what he’s told you, I think you’re asking the wrong question.  It’s not “should” you be just friends with him, as much as it’s Continue reading

How can a teenager feel comfortable about themselves?

tweety asks: l’m a 14-year-old teen and currently confused about life. How can l feel comfortable about myself and every one around me?

Hi Tweety –

 

Thanks for writing me about this really important issue.

 

Humans often feel uncomfortable about themselves.  It’s a very difficult situation, and one that drives me nuts.  You see, we dogs only feel uncomfortable about ourselves if something really odd is going on.  Like, if Handsome tries to dress me up in some outfit on Halloween, then I definitely do not want any other dogs to see me.  I know they’d never take me seriously again!  But I see people who feel all the time the way I feel when I’m wearing that stupid costume – and that’s just awful!

 

Now let me explain one thing about that here, though, that’s very important.  If an adult feels uncomfortable about themselves and everyone around them, the name for that is Neurotic.  It’s a difficult situation to live in, full of anxiety, and really needs help from outside – maybe a therapist or some other sort of helper.  But when a 14-year-old feels that way, I call that Continue reading

Do you have to like all your classes at school?

Gracie asks: Hi. I like maths but hate English, although I do very well in both subjects. Everybody I tell about this tells me that I have to like English because it’s compulsory. What do I do?

Hi Gracie –

 

It’s great that you do well in both subjects.  I’m not sure why anyone’s upset then, but since they are, let me talk about your words here for a second.

 

There are certain things in life you ‘have to’ do.  You have to breathe and eat and drink, for example!  You also, in order to get along in your society and family, have to do your homework, treat people with some politeness, and sometimes hold your temper in.  But Gracie, I’m here to tell you that you don’t ‘have to’ like anything!

 

There are things I have to do.  I have to obey when Handsome tells me to sit or come or stay.  I have to keep myself from jumping out the Continue reading

How to control yourself from talking too much.

Shefar asks: Hey Shirelle, can you tell me how to be quiet? I know this is lame to ask, but I can’t shut my mouth up in classes or anywhere else!

Ha!  Oh Shefar if you only knew my neighbors, you’d know how funny your question is.  Me teaching how to be quiet is like Marley teaching self-discipline or the hundred and one Dalmatians teaching birth control!

 

But I’m guessing that you’re not jumping up in class and barking because you hear someone walking around outside.  Or standing in the yard barking to hear if anyone responds.  You’re probably conversing, or at least responding to something someone else says.  This is a really common problem for young people (and some adults), and pretty easy to fix.

 

It tends to come from being very uncentered.  You’re in that giddy, excitable state of mind (which I know well!), and it’s hard to hold that excitement in.  Or you’re just being kind of unconscious, saying things without Continue reading

How a teenager can stop smoking

Bieberfever asks: I’m 13 years old and I smoke. How do I quit when I’m addicted to it?

Hi Bieberfever –

I’m so glad you asked this.  It’s such a huge topic.

There’s good news and bad news.  I’ll start with the bad.

 

To begin with, let’s talk about Addiction in general.  We all have things we like, and we want more of them.  I love pizza, for example, and will eat it whenever I get the chance.  But that doesn’t make me a Pizza Addict.  Addiction is an actual physical thing, where the brain creates new neuron pathways, such that the person actually feels bad if they’re not getting the substance they’re addicted to.  It can be mild (like when we hear some grownups say, “I’m no good in the morning till I’ve had my first cup of coffee”) or severe (like alcoholics who ruin their lives by their need for self-destructive drinking), or even deadly.

At it’s core, Addiction is simply Stupid!  Think about it – if there’s something that you have to do even if you don’t want to, and it doesn’t serve you in any way, and you do it… that’s the definition of Stupidity, isn’t it?

But I’m not putting you, or any other addict, down.  We all have brains that are capable of addiction.  Yes, even us dogs (Even mice and rats can become addicts, which is one reason scientists use them for experiments on addictive substances a lot).  There’s nothing to be ashamed of about becoming addicted to something.  The trick to beating the stupidity – the sometimes very hard trick – is stopping the habitual taking of what you’re addicted to.

Now if you’ve been following me, you’ll realize that stopping taking that substance doesn’t mean you’re no longer an addict!  Millions of people have stopped drinking alcohol but still will tell you “I am an alcoholic.”  And they’re right:  their brains still have that pathway in them.  So again, the job they have to do is to keep themselves from indulging their addiction… every day of their lives.

 

Okay, that’s half the bad news.  The other is about cigarettes specifically.  While a dog will do lots of self-destructive things, one thing we never do is smoke.  Why?  Because our lips don’t work that way!  So I’ve never had a cigarette, though I’ve certainly smelled them.  Sometimes they smell kind of nice; but most of the time they kind of burn my eyes and nose so I’m not really into them anyway.

But what’s worse is when you learn what they do to you.  If people only smoked natural tobacco, the stuff we see cowboys smoking in those old westerns, they’d be hurting themselves, but nowhere nearly as badly as our modern cigarettes do.  In particular, when you start smoking anything, you destroy some very fine fibers in your lungs called Cilia, which help clean out the lungs when you have a cold or flu.  In other words, those first few packs of cigarettes mean that every respiratory illness for the rest of your life will last longer and be worse!

But today’s cigarettes have so many more toxic chemicals in them than even the natural tobacco does.  You’re literally inhaling poisons into your body, along with extra nicotine that the manufacturers add in to make it more addictive!  Truly, there aren’t a lot of legal substances out there that are nearly as bad for you!  Plus, they make you stink!

Okay, so enough with the bad news.  Here’s the good news.  Quitting smoking when you’re young has been shown to drastically reduce the long-term consequences (those really scary ones like emphysema and cancer).  If you quit now, at 13, you have all those best years ahead of you, where you can look better (cigarettes tend to give teens lots of zits), feel better, and be able to look at the other kids smoking and feel superior to them!

There are TONS of methods out there to help you quit.  Nicotine gum, the nicotine patch, mouthwashes that make your mouth taste bad if you smoke, and many many more.  But the truth is, none of them will work unless you truly want to quit.

And if you truly want to quit, nothing can stop you.

 

My suggestion would be to start by doing three things.  Do these for one week.

First, every time you really want a cigarette, and would have had one before, let yourself have one, but only smoke one third of it.  That way you’ll satisfy your craving, but start reducing the amount of nicotine your body’s receiving.  (Note: but don’t then start smoking more cigarettes than you used to, to make up for it!!  Keep the number of cigarettes down to equal or less than your current habit.)

Second, about every half hour, drink a glass of water.  And if you can drink more, do so.  Cigarettes dehydrate you, and if your body starts getting all the water it needs, it’ll like the idea, and crave cigarettes less.

And third, do some exercise every day that makes you breathe.  Run, walk, or (best) swim.  Your body will be gasping for oxygen, and, just as with the water, that will make it start craving the cigarettes less.

 

Okay, great.  If that worked, then, after that first week, keep doing all the same stuff, but make yourself hold off on smoking till the sun has gone down.  And then don’t allow yourself more than one (1/3) cigarette every two hours.

And then, third week?  Quit.  Stop.  Cold Turkey!  Your body will complain, you’ll crave all sort of other things.  Fine, do them!  Eat a chocolate cake, drink two liters of Pepsi, eat a bag of chips, who cares!  You might get headaches.  Okay, pop an Aspirin or something.  Big deal.  All that matters is that you’re freeing your body from its worst enemy.

And if you can make it through that week, Bieberfever, I can almost guarantee you that you will start to feel better.

 

Did I say “better?”  How about… way better!  You’ll like the way you feel when you wake up, you’ll smell better, you’ll have more energy, you’ll look lots better, you’ll have a better attitude, you’ll start to enjoy your life more, like other people more, have an easier time with your schoolwork…

And yes, you might feel so good that you start to tell yourself that what would feel especially great would be to have just one more cigarette, that it’ll be fine, because you’re over your addiction… right?

Wrong!!  Don’t do it!  Your addiction will just kick right back in, and you’ll get right back into your old habits, and have to go through all this again!

 

You see, my friend, this may be one time when you want to go against the advice of that idol of yours.  He said to never say never?  I think saying “Never smoke again” would be a great exception to his rule!!!

 

Good Luck, and please tell me how it goes!

Shirelle

 

How parents can help teenagers grow socially safely.

Smith2 asks: Hi. We immigrated to Australia 3 years ago. My daughter is 14 years old, very shy, and has only managed to make a few friends in this time, whom she holds on to dearly. She does not socialize with anyone else but these friends. She chats to her friends on Facebook only, but last night we found out she was chatting to a strange boy, younger than her. How do we explain and show her the dangers of this without causing her to rebel?

Hi Smith2 –

 

Thanks for your really interesting letter.  It hits me that you’re really asking about three things, all separate issues though they overlap.  Let me go through them individually though.

 

First, congratulations on your immigration.  I know that it’s very hard to immigrate to Australia (and extremely hard for us dogs, since they have very strict quarantine policies, to protect their wonderful wildlife).  But of course, this great adventure, that will give your daughter emotional and intellectual gifts for the rest of her life, also has a cost, and you’re seeing it now.

 

Moving is always tough on kids.  And moving to a new country is especially difficult.  She walks into a new classroom full of kids who not only have a different life experience, but have different accents, different educations, maybe even a different language.  And if she was shy before, of course this will only exacerbate her problem.

 

Now in the long run, there’s a really good chance that the opposite will happen.  Her exoticism will make her more popular, and she will learn social skills that will enable her to feel comfortable in any Continue reading

2 Will raising grades make parents proud?

star asks: How do I, as a 17-year-old student, improve my grades enough for my parents to be proud of me?

Hi Star –

 

Sorry I wasn’t able to answer your question earlier.  I must say, I’m impressed with your persistence in “hounding” me to answer you, though!  If you show that same persistence in your studies, I’m sure you’ll do great!!

 

My main answer to you, in terms of how to improve your grades, would be the same as my answer to CaNdAcE’s question about school skills for teenagers (You can find it by typing keywords into the search box on the right side of the page here).

 

But Star, I think there’s another issue here I want to address with you.  You want to make your parents proud.  Now I don’t know you or your parents, but I know enough humans to know that Pride is a very, very tricky thing.  Some parents are proud of their kid no matter what bad things that kid does.  Other parents can’t be made to feel proud of their kid, no matter what good or great things that kid does.  The kid could get straight-A’s in school, rescue a drowning child in a river, or make millions of dollars and buy those parents a mansion and three cars… and they still won’t feel proud!  It’s not about the kid; it’s about them.   They’re just incapable of feeling pride.  Or maybe they’re able to feel it, but they’re not able to express it to their child.

 

Again, I don’t know you or your parents, so perhaps it is possible for you to win their pride through better grades.  But I just want to warn you, if you raise your marks and still don’t feel they’re taking pride in you, your job is to feel that pride about yourself!  Let them have their own strengths and weaknesses, and move on in your own life.  The more real pride you feel in yourself, the less you’ll need others to feel it about you.

 

And this is a terribly important lesson to learn in life, Star.  One which learning at 17 is a wonderful fantastic accomplishment.

 

So hit those books, raise those grades, and see where that takes you.  You’re at the beginning of adulthood, Star.  Your whole future lies ahead.  Do your best, and step forward.  The world is yours!

 

Cheers,

Shirelle

 

How a kid can make money.

harley asks: I’m ten and I need ways to make money for a school trip to Mexico. Do you have any ideas on how I can get money? My parents are low on money so I can’t ask them.

Hi Harley –

How great!  I will love throwing some ideas at you, especially as I’m such a fan of travel, and I’m so impressed with your willingness to work for the money for this cool trip!  Mexico is really beautiful, and I’m sure you’ll have a great time.

But how to get there?  Well, I don’t know where you live, but a few kind of universal ways would be:

1)    Yard and House Work.  Most of your neighbors, and your friends’ families, probably have some sort of projects they’d love to get done around their homes.  Maybe it’s continuing work, like keeping their lawns mowed.  Or perhaps it’s some one-off project, like putting a new coat of paint on something, or clearing out an overgrown area.  Of course you don’t want to offer your services for a job that you’re not qualified for, but if it’s just simple labor, people will pay well for a good cheerful hard-worker.

2)    Vacation Care.  When people leave their homes for a vacation or work trip, it’s great to know there’s someone taking care of the place.  Maybe that means feeding pets, watering plants, picking up newspapers or Continue reading

What are good plays for children?

Elizabeth asks: Do you have some play scripts for nursery schools?

Hi Elizabeth –

 

Thanks for writing and asking me about play scripts for nursery schools.

 

I really don’t know about those things, but I am a big fan of getting children to perform, for many reasons (building self-esteem, body awareness, imagination, etc).

 

I found a good web page that talks about this subject.  You might want to check it out:

 

http://www2.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=983

 

 

But really, I don’t think you need to find pre-written plays.  At the preschool age, children won’t last long in a play, so you could probably write something yourself, based on a story you like.  Or even (and I love doing things like this) having the KIDS write it!

 

Good Luck!

Shirelle

 

2 What does it mean when a teenager feels alienated?

teejay96 asks: Hi, Shirelle. I feel like my life is taking a spiral turn towards its end. I feel so bitter inside, like I am angry inside. I don’t act as cheerful as I used to. I am more concerned about my looks and what people think of me than what I think of me. Despite my admitting this to my self, it still does not seem to go away. I used to have this self-destructive habit that no one knows about (I’d rather not share, and no it is not smoking – I am only 14). The point is that I know I am in my teenage years but I just want to feel as happy as I was in my childhood years – even if it is not constant, as long as it is there. My parents are not the understanding type, so you are the only one that can help me.

Hi teejay96 –

 

Wow, what a compliment!  I have no doubt that there are many others who could help you through this very tough time, but I am so honored that you think I’m the best one!  Thanks!

 

So, at risk of you losing all respect for me, I’m going to say what’s probably the last thing you expect to hear:  Congratulations.

You are in a situation that is officially called Existential Despair, and it usually shows up in people a couple of years older than you.  You are doing great, ahead of schedule, and this probably means you’ll be out of this difficult period sooner than some of your friends.  So, again, congratulations.

What’s going on is that your brain is developing, and you’re beginning to see the world very differently from the way you did as an innocent Continue reading

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