Category Archives for "Family"

4 Sniffing for Enthusiasm – keys to re-finding motivation

            Handsome doesn’t talk with me about his work very often, but lately he sure has.  You see, he’s a therapist who works with lots of young people, and usually his job is full of variety – this 5-year-old is going through her parents’ divorce, this 9-year-old is getting bullied, this 12-year-old is acting depressed while no one knows why, and this 16-year-old has been sneaking out at night and smoking cigarettes with the wrong friends. 

            But not now.  Today nearly every youth Handsome sees has the same issue: Motivation.

            Now sure, that’s nothing new.  Kids get bored, and teens get boreder.  Always have.  But – and you know very well what I’m getting to here – this Coronavirus year isn’t like anything that’s happened before.  Children who have the same instincts as puppies – to get out and play and tumble and grab and hug and punch and kiss and pull hair – are stuck alone inside, with just some electronic screens to entertain them.  And teens who, just as instinctually, crave to be out laughing and flirting and showing off in the best ways, are trapped, being told to just do the rest of their overlong homework.

            And both, instead of spending their school hours trying and competing for grades, or passing notes to their classmates with silly drawings of the teacher, are (if they’re lucky enough to be able to afford it) sitting in front of a boring computer, where their teacher is trying as hard as they can to keep their students awake and focused on some subject that…  well… if they found it all that interesting, they’d have been learning about it on their own, right?!

            NO one is enjoying this, NO one wants it to continue, but NO one has a solution just yet.  So EVERYone is annoyed, frustrated, bored, and ANYthing but motivated!

            And how does that show up?  Kids sending in blank homework assignments, good students falling behind because they can’t focus, or top-level students just turning their screens off and saying “This is a waste of my time and theirs.  I’m learning nothing.  I quit.”

            What’s anyone to do?!  Is there a solution? 

            Well sure.  A cure, a vaccine, a treatment good enough for everyone to dare getting into groups again – that’ll fix this beautifully.  But for now, what can students do?  Or teachers?  Or parents?

            Now… you know what I’m going to say, don’t you.  There is an answer:  Stop asking machines or humans, and study us dogs instead!

            In most ways, our brains are just simpler versions of people’s.  Yeah, we have better smelling, and more squirrel-focus, but our relationship to motivation is just like yours.  So what do we do when we’re stuck inside an apartment or a yard all day, or even a cage?  Or when we’ve had our joy beaten out of us by abuse or neglect?  Or when we’re just plain old lonely?  How do we get motivated?  And how can that apply to you?

            Here are a few suggestions:

1. Bribery Works!  No pooch was ever born wanting to sit or stay or heel on command.  And trainers have found that punishment isn’t half as effective a teaching method as reward.  Fill your pockets with good-smelling treats, and your pup will be happy to train for as long as you wish, constantly doing their best to please you.  So why not do the same with students?  A full school day earns a chocolate cupcake.  A good grade on a test earns a trip to the ice cream shop, and a great report card brings in that video game they’ve wanted for months.  Yes, over time you want them to feel motivation in themselves, but THIS ISN’T THE TIME FOR THAT!  (And for those of you too old to be bribed – nothing wrong with bribing yourself.  “Finish this paper, and I get to watch the big game with a beer!”)
2. Get Outdoors!  There’s a reason we pups go crazy when we see you pull out a leash – our instincts are dying to get us out away from our homes, exploring, sniffing, experiencing, and especially MOVING.  Don’t forget – until very recently, humans spent most of their time outdoors too.  We species share a deep connection to nature that replenishes and invigorates us all.  So get out there – take a walk, work in your garden, or just roll around in a park.  And please don’t tell me “But I’ll get dirty!”  That’s not dirt – that’s nature, that’s God, that’s history and beauty and meaning out there.  What you’re wearing is chemicals and dyes and plastics and stuff. Roll in something way better!
3. Try to Get Curious.  Stick a dog in a yard for eight hours while our family is away, and what do we do?  Do we stare at the wall, complaining we’re bored?  Nope, we sniff.  There’s nothing interesting to us yet, but we look around for it.  Our ears twist around like sails, we check out every corner, we find what different places feel like to lie down.  And almost every time, we find something interesting.  A lizard ran by here.  A bird is singing in a tree over there.  Someone spilled something really delicious all over this place.  And how does that apply to school?  Well, let’s say you’re studying history, and that’s never been your thing.  A bunch of kings and national boundaries.  Borrrring.  But what if you think of it like a gang war, with every leader trying to hold on to their turf while someone else on their side plots to take their place.  Or an intergalactic battle for planets that will be won by the side with the greatest new weaponry.  Or a group of sly crafty mean girls each plotting how to become the alpha of the group.  Suddenly this is interesting to you?  Then you’ve already succeeded.
4. Socialize!  Yeah I know what we’re after here is motivation to study harder and do more work.  But wasn’t that easier when everyone hung out together, even in classes and in between them?  Now, everyone’s feeling this gigantic hunger for community and contact, so bad it hurts in the heart!  And of course that’s getting in the way of your motivation.  So reach out – call a friend you haven’t spoken to in months (or years), set up a way to meet either virtually or safely in person, and tell dumb jokes, reminisce about good times, talk about crushes, ANYTHING.  And you’ll find it helps the rest of your life too.
5. Look Forward!  We dogs don’t have nearly the sense of time you humans do.  We live in the moment mostly.  But your sense of motivation has a lot to do with what’s coming up.  “I gotta study my French tonight because there’s a test tomorrow.”  “I need to get better at kicking before the game next week.”  “I have to get this dress cleaned and pressed before the dance!”  But now, since no one seems to know what’s coming up anytime soon, that whole part of your brilliant brains is sitting unused.  But it doesn’t have to.  Just think further into the future:  SOMEday you’ll be able to go to regular schools again, and you’ll want to have moved forward with the rest of your class.  SOMEday you’ll want to go to college or university or get a job, and how you did today in school will matter.  And SOMEday you’ll be sitting around with your friends and family, and talking about how crazy a time 2020 was.  These WILL happen.  So focus on them, as much as you can.  Motivation will build there.

So that’s what I’ve got for now.  If you have any other suggestions, please let me know and I’ll put them into the next newsletter.

But for now, just know, I have only one motivation for writing here, and it’s YOU.  You’re what matters to me, you’re my whole reason for writing at all. 

So thank you.  Without you, I’d only be able to walk around my yard, sniffing at the fence, hoping to find a little scent, somewhere, of squirrel!

0 What to do if you broke your family’s rule of not talking with someone

Jerry asks:

            A boy proposed to me but I denied him and talked to him for some time to make him understand why I did. He is a good guy by heart but he had many temporary relationships with many other girls. So after making clear that I can’t talk to him because of my very strict family whom I don’t want to betray, we didn’t talk for almost 1 year.  But now he wished me happy birthday and I talked to him for the whole night. We just talked about our common friends and nothing romantic, but now I’m feeling guilty that I have betrayed my family. I shouldn’t have talked to him for the whole night but I couldn’t stop myself. What do I do to get over this feeling? I also think wonder what that guy is thinking about me.  I said to him “I don’t talk to boys because of my family,” but I talked to him whole night, and he said “I don’t think anything like this about you. I like you and you can talk to me anytime you feel like, without having a concern of what I will think about you. I know that you are a different girl,” but still I’m feeling uncomfortable.

Hi Jerry –

         This is one of those situations where we dogs are at a loss.  Because we don’t have cultures, in the way you humans do, our ideas of right and wrong are much more blunt than yours: it’s mean to hurt someone, it’s wrong to do things that hurt others unless it’s necessary… and that’s about it.  Now in my home, there are other rules – don’t bark early in the morning, don’t get on the couch – but those are just for me, and not something I’d tell others not to do on this website.

         So did you do something wrong by talking to this boy all night?  To my mind, not at all.  After all, what if you’d been on an international flight and chatted with the stranger sitting next to you for hours on end?  Would that make you a bad person, a flawed daughter?

         But if that’s the rule your parents put onto you, then sure, I guess you broke it.  Maybe you need to confess it to them – and maybe not.  It’s not my place to say.

         But you seem especially worried about what this boy will think of you, even though he’s told you the conversation didn’t change his opinion of you at all.  So I’m wondering if there’s more to the story.

         For example, it makes sense that this boy who a) has been interested in you, and b) has more dating history than you, would be a better conversationalist than you’re used to, and probably really enjoyable to talk with for a long time.  Especially during this lockdown, when so many people feel so isolated and lonely!  And I’m wondering if that’s kind of new for you, so you feel there might be something wrong with it (even though it looks as though there really isn’t).

         But also, I’m wondering if, after that fun long call, you’re starting to feel something for him, something you weren’t planning on.  And something that isn’t convenient for you, given that you believe that getting involved with him would be a betrayal to your family.

         So my main suggestion right now is two things:  First, to talk with your parents more, and find out their boundaries.  Would you getting involved with a man who’d dated women in the past be all that bad, as long as you and he followed all the rules, and he made his respect clear to them?  Or would it just be ‘not ideal?’

         And second, for you to spend some time and look into your own heart, and ask if what’s difficult here isn’t more about you starting to like this guy more than before, and not just that you guys talked.

         And maybe these will lead to you starting something new and wonderful with him.  Or, if not, at least you’ll have had a good learning experience – and a really fun long conversation!

         Best,
         Shirelle

0 What to do when your family is pushing you to a profession you don’t want

Tuktuk asks:

I’ve been happy these days and mostly avoiding any negative thoughts, but then suddenly I had a thought that I am not going into the right profession. I am a medical student. I feel like I am not in the right profession because my parents and my family expect a lot out of me. They say there’s no pressure but indirectly I can feel the tension. My mother has said since I was young that she doesn’t compare me with other kids, but indirectly she used to, and I used to feel pressured all the time. I had to be on my best behavior because she was a teacher in my school, and now when I am in college they constantly remind me that I have to be a successful doctor. I get overwhelmed by everyone’s expectations these days and due to this thinking I haven’t been doing anything. My career choice was the only thing I never doubted, and felt that it was my own decision, but now I feel that even that was forced on me indirectly. I feel I have no uniqueness in me. I don’t feel useless but rather tired of everything that’s going on around me and just want to run away. I feel like when I’ll die no one will know me because I couldn’t leave a mark, and was rather like a piece of dirt which goes away when the surface is cleaned.

Hi Tuktuk –

            I have so much to say to this, but let me start with your last sentence.  I believe that you feel this, but I promise you the opposite is the truth.  Even if you stay on exactly the path you’re on right now, you are clearly the focus of your parents’ dreams, and would become someone who would care for, and maybe even save the lives of, hundreds or thousands of people.  I remember when I broke my toe by jumping on the fence to bark at our neighbors.  I was maybe a year old?  But I can tell you everything about that pet emergency hospital, each person who worked on me, and what the needles felt like going in, how kindly they wrapped up my foot (and how frantic Handsome was while waiting for me).  And that was a broken toe – I was maybe there an hour.  You might become a lot more involved in some people’s lives than those professionals were in mine!

            But that’s all about if you stay on the same path.  A path you’re beginning to doubt.

            Don’t get me wrong – I love doctors and believe there’s no more noble profession.  But I also absolutely LOVE that you’re going through this – wherever it leads.

            Here’s what’s going on, my friend.  Your brain is developing in a way it couldn’t when you were even just a year or two younger.  You’re starting to question everything in your life – and that’s the BEST THING YOU CAN DO!  You’re realizing that decisions you believed were your own were actually your parents’. 

            This doesn’t make them villains, at all.  What’s important here is that you’re doing something really important that we dogs can’t do, and about half of people can’t do.  It’s called Metacognition, and means the ability to think about your own thinking.  You are going through a profound reassessment of your whole life so far, that’s going to determine a great deal of your future. 

            I imagine you’ve heard the term “Midlife Crisis.”  This is something that happens to lots of humans around age 40 or so, when they suddenly question everything in their lives, such as their marriages and careers.  How fortunate that you’re doing that NOW! 

            And here’s what’s so important about this – whatever decision you make about your career WILL be yours now.  If you decide to become a professor of Philosophy (which would suit your deep-thinking brain), or a struggling pop singer, or, yes, a doctor – any of those choices will be yours, and you’ll know it!

            But now here’s the bad news.  I can’t help you with your decision.  Not because I don’t have opinions, but because it has to be your decision!  And maybe that’s something you can’t decide right now.  Maybe you need to take some time off of school (if so, this might be a great time to do it, while many of your classes are likely online); maybe you need to travel the world (if so, this is a lousy time to do it, with the border closings and all the fear); or maybe you can stick with your classes for another term while you try to figure things out.

            Have you ever heard of the movie director George Miller?  He was you!  He was the son of proud, hard-working Greek immigrants in Australia, who’d always dreamt that their bright son would become a doctor.  And so he did.  He studied hard, and got his degree, and in his first residency, he worked in an emergency room.  And every night, he’d see people come in with horrible injuries from auto accidents.  And bit by bit, he talked about what these brought to his mind with a friend of his who wanted to produce movies.  And eventually he quit his medical job and they made a violent low-budget film with a bunch of car action.  It was called Mad Max.  Three sequels, many other films and minseries, and Oscar nominations and wins later, he’s pretty happy with his decision.

            Another similar story is of a great cartoonist.  I don’t know if they print Pearls Before Swine where you are, but it’s Handsome’s favorite comic strip these days.  Its creator, Stephan Pastis (hmm… also of Greek heritage) did what he was supposed to do and became a lawyer.  And hated it.  And would sit around bored, doodling little funny images to keep himself amused.  And eventually… well you get the idea.

            And then there’s the other story.  Not of one person but of millions.  Who went into the profession that was chosen for them, experienced just the doubt you’re having, but then found a way to do those jobs that inspired them, gave their lives meaning, and connected directly to their hearts.

            What’s important to me is that you’re asking this question.  Whatever answer you find, your life will be beautifully improved by your having gone through this.

            And, while I’ve got nothing against dirt – I love to roll around in it and track it into our house – whatever you become will, I promise, not be seen as just a speck of it.  You will be amazing.

            Cheers,

            Shirelle

0 What to do when you realize you can’t save your parents’ marriage

Wooff asks: So, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will be moving out next year. I can avoid looking at the problem straight in the face, but the problem will still continue to exist – especially when it’s not my problem to solve.
I started writing to you when it became clear that my parents did not want to be with each other and I didn’t know what to do. Sadly, well I see it to be sad, they are still together and that was back in 2012. Two individuals who lack harmony within themselves and with each other. For a long time, I thought that suicide was the way out of my situation, then I thought it was love from other people, but as I’m growing older I’ve come to understand that the way out is me. Only I can remove myself from this toxic situation. Well, when my parents were considering getting a divorce, my mom didn’t have much support from her family and my older sister. I was the only one then who wanted them to get a divorce or at least that’s what I know. But like I said, they didn’t. My dad is short-tempered, biased, and not easy to talk to. Whereas my mom is immature at times, seeks validation and has a victim mentality. This is not to say that they don’t have good qualities but I’m not writing this letter to let you know that they are good people – which they are, but in different ways. What I’m trying to say is, they are not a good match. Now for the longest time I thought that I could fix this. But coming back to the beginning of this letter, I’ve realized that it’s not my problem to fix. I see the problem, yet I avoid it, but it continues existing. I thought my suicide would finally shake them enough to be mature and make changes (whatever they may be). Morbidly enough, I do get in that mindset sometimes although it’s very rare now, as I do want to live a good fulfilling life. I don’t want my life to be a sad one. Second came love from other people. As time old tales keep telling you, love cannot fix you or your problems. The problem still exists even if someone loves you or if you love someone else. Finally, I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s me. It’s me that needs to get myself out of this situation. The thing that stops me the most is my mom. She’s always been trying to ensure I don’t leave her. I think it’s because she doesn’t want to be left alone with my dad, who she shares no connection with and feels like a slave to as he is the breadwinner. Although I do feel guilty about wanting to leave this situation and move away (to another country which I love, not because of wanting distance), I don’t see any other option. By staying back, I end up giving up on my dreams, staying stuck in this continuous time loop, and may resort back to my old ways. I do think the way out is by actually physically leaving. But I don’t want my mom’s heart and soul to break as I do. I’ve come to the understanding that her life and situation is not and was never my responsibility; it was hers. I try to make her understand that she is the only one who can improve her life and situation, but my mom cannot see out of her ways. So, I can’t but help feeling guilty. I know you’ve been able to find a flaw in my way of thinking before, and I want to know what you think it is. Where my thought pattern is wrong and where it is right. If I’m right or where I am wrong.

Hi Wooff!

Oh I see you as so flawless, you would never believe!  

Though I do have a very small disagreement with something you say – or maybe an addition to it.

Marriage is a very funny, very profound, thing.  Couples who seem perfect find they can’t stand living together, and other couples who seem just awful for each other actually depend on each other in many ways.  Someday I recommend you read or see the play (or the movie) Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.  You can’t imagine a more horrible, destructive couple – yet they’ve stayed together.  

My point is this – to you, divorce might be the best answer for your parents.  But this is their choice.  Either one could leave the other if they chose, and neither has.  For whatever reason, every day, they choose to stay together.

Is that because one of them is weak?  Maybe, but you’re saying both are unhappy.  So maybe it’s because, for all the problems you see, there’s something each of them values and depends on in the other.  

I’m not here to say they’re right or wrong, but it is their choice.

And that mindset of mine is exactly why I don’t just agree with you, I urge you to follow through on your dreams.  Your mother has made her choices in her life; they’re not yours.  You don’t just have the right to move on; you need to.  Whether that’s moving to another country or just to another home, or even staying there but working on your personal growth, you owe this to yourself.  And, ironically, to them.

Haven’t they spent your entire lifetime providing for you, educating you, supporting you?  For all the lousy things you see in their marriage, IT CREATED YOU, and for that alone it is WONDERFUL.  

If you do move away, they might bicker more, or they might start treating each other better because they can’t focus on you.  They might fall in love again, or they might divorce.  I don’t know, and neither do you.

But you have YOUR life to lead, my friend.  Your adventures to take, your loves (right and wrong) to fall into, your mistakes to make.  

Love your parents.  They’re clearly good people and deserve that.  But don’t live for them.  Ironically, living for them would be the one way you could make all their work in raising you meaningless.  Instead, honor them by living a life greater than they can.

(And ironically, that would “kill” your old self much more than a suicide would have, and not destroy their lives as your death most certainly would).

All my very best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when one of you wants children and the other doesn’t

Ray asks: I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years. At the beginning of the relationship, we had discussed that I didn’t want children, and he had said that he too didn’t want any. After all this time he has changed his mind and has decided that he wants children. I have given this a lot of thought and tried to compromise into agreeing to have children too. But I feel suffocated by the idea of it, and the only reason I’d be doing it would be to keep his wishes. He still wants to stay together. And says that down the line we’ll figure it out. I am sure that I will not be changing my mind or feel differently about this. And I cannot expect him to give up such a huge thing. We really love each other, and it would be difficult to breakup. But is breaking up the only solution here?

Hi Ray –

You are asking JUST the right question about this issue.  There are so many concepts that couples fight over that are easily resolvable.  But kids is a gigantic one, and there might not be an answer to it.

The problem is that there isn’t a lot of room for compromise.  I’ve known people who were willing to adopt and raise children, but just not give birth to any.  Okay, that might work.  But when one person strongly wants children and the other strongly doesn’t… I don’t see a way past it.

Here’s the problem – for many humans, children are the meaning of their life.  If one of you really loves cats and the other doesn’t, there are short-term solutions (the cat-lover could volunteer to care for cats at a shelter, for example), but not a real long-term problem (I’ve never heard of anyone on their deathbed regretting not having raised enough kittens!).

But children are a different matter.  People do become bitter and angry over not having become a parent.  And others do for having to raise kids they didn’t want or plan.

And there’s another part to this.  If you two married, each of you believing you’d be able to bring the other one around to your way of thinking, you’d be setting up with possibility of a really hateful relationship, each resenting the other about this issue forever.  And it sounds to me like both of you are really good people and deserve better than that.

So it does sound to me like you need to have a VERY difficult talk.  And one from a place of blunt honesty and absolute love.  Working to give each the best life possible.

Which may, or may not, include keeping this beautiful relationship going.

Wishing you strength and wisdom,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your family beats you

Pennelope asks:

I belong to a family of 4 – my father, mother, elder brother and me. I study in another city for my college, but due to COVID-19, we were sent back to our homes. I have basically been a lazy girl who wouldn’t help her mom with her chores, due to which she used to be very mean to me. This time I decided it was my mistake and I didn’t want to be that person anymore. Therefore from day 1 onwards I helped her in everything from breakfast to dinner. It was going well, she wasn’t mean to me anymore, and we started getting close. But then, when my brother came to town, my mother started being mean again. She would taunt me, complain to my brother that don’t help her, and she would curse me, saying after my marriage my in-laws would commit suicide. So eventually I started talking back and refuting her. My father, who was there the whole time I was helping her, wouldn’t say a word. Eventually my brother concluded that I have a sore spot for my mom, and therefore I say things unnecessarily about her. When I tried to make him understand, he beat me A LOT, and eventually my father and mother both joined him in beating me. I started living fearfully, ignoring even the brutal-est thing they say to me but I have stopped caring for them. I don’t have any soft spot for them. Being my family, they did something so indecent and uncivilized. I could not have imagined that they would beat me. I know they are my family but it’s like I can never forget what happened and would never be able to forgive them for it.

Oh Pennelope!

I’m so sorry to get this letter.  It breaks my heart.

But the only way for me to respond to it is to split it into two parts.

First, about your mother saying you’re the way you used to be.  That is very normal – in fact I’d say I see it more often than not in families.  Someone was a poor student as a child, and now they’re a doctor, but their family still treats them as the “dumb lazy” one.  Or someone was a great student as a child, and has never done anything with it, just sits around watching TV all day, and their family still considers them the smart, successful one.

It’s annoying to everyone, and at times, as you’ve found, really hurtful.  My best suggestion in those cases is to confront your family members with the truth, “Look, I know I was this way in 1997, but I’ve changed and you’re not seeing it.  I’m successful and you should be feeling proud of me, not putting me down!”

But you are NOT in a normal situation.

Pennelope, I don’t know where you live or what your situation is financially or with extended family or anything, but I am not okay with ANYONE getting beaten by their family.  Even if you “deserved” it, though I’m not sure what that would even be.  Let me be clear on this – Handsome has never beaten me, and I’ve broken every rule he ever made, pooped on the rug, and even snapped at him a couple of times – beating is just simply NEVER okay!

So the questions I have for you are legal:  Does your family have the right under the law there to do such things?  Are you able to move out of that house and go to another relative’s or friend’s place? 

The things you say about whether or not you could ever forgive them – I don’t even care about that now.  That’s a choice to make later in life.  But right now, I JUST WANT YOU SAFE. 

And particularly, I want you safe from your brother.  Parents might feel they have the right to hit their children, and even though you’re older now, as I said above, they still might see you in that same way as before.  But what in the world is your brother doing hitting you?  Would he hit another woman your age?  Does he realize you could tell any woman he’s interested in about his doing this and that they would almost certainly leave him at once – and I’d be cheering them on?!  What kind of man is he, to beat his sister?

So again, my giant question to you – not an answer so much – is Is There A Way For You To Get Out Of There?  Whether through the law, or through someone helpful, or whatever.

Everything else is secondary. 

All my love,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you’re asked to have an affair

Chandrani123 asks:

I have been in a relationship for four and a half years. My boyfriend is ten years older than me, he is very mature, cool minded & never gets angry upon me. We have a delightful relationship; sometimes I fight with him but he manages my anger really well. He never gave me chance to doubt him. He loves me very much but the turning point in our relationship began when once we decided to disclose our relationship to our family members. My boyfriend tried to convince his mom for marriage but she refused, wanting her son to marry by her choice. At last, my boyfriend gave up. I didn’t pressure him ever. Now my boyfriend says he is bound to marry by his family choice but he wants to keep his relationship with me just like now. But I am very afraid of extramarital affairs, and I think it is sinful to destroy his married life. So what should I do?

Hi Chandrani123 –

            I can’t tell you how many letters I’ve gotten in the past few years about just this issue – people who are dating someone, and have fallen in love with them, but then their families step in and one or both say they want their kid to have an arranged marriage.

            As a dog, I’m not opinionated on whether arranged marriages or the unarranged kind where people date to find who they want are the best kind.  Either is fine.  But it sure strikes me that this merging of cultural systems, where young people date and get involved with someone, and then their families pick someone, is a road to heartbreak! 

            First of all, you’re hurt by the fact that he’s not going to marry you.  And secondly, he’s almost guaranteed to not like or love the woman he’s paired with as much as he does you – at least for a long time. 

            And as a big-hearted dog, I hate anything that causes that kind of sadness.

            But you are bringing up a third point – this guy wants to keep you, even when he marries.  To keep you as a mistress, a lover.

            And while he might not be thinking this way, that is an absolute guarantee of hurting LOTS of people.

            Think of it.  First, he’s humiliating the woman he loves – asking her to commit adultery which she considers a sin.  Second, he’s planning on cheating on the woman he’s going to marry, before he even knows who she is!  But third, if the word gets out, what would this do to his family?  To your family?  To any children he and she have together?! 

            I have known numerous cases of people finding love outside their marriages.  Even if it’s the best choice for them, it’s always painful and difficult.  But in this case, he’s planning on it in advance!

            If you hadn’t told me so many wonderful things about him, I might assume he’s a selfish jerk.  But it’s clear he’s not.  So I’m going to guess that he’s just simply not thinking this through fully.

            Which means you’re going to have to do the thinking, and deciding for the two of you.

            Which is hard.  Really hard.

            My friend, I don’t see any possibility here except for you to break up with him.  And I know that’s the most hurtful thing I can say.  But it’s clearly the best thing for both of you.

            If you do, one of two things will happen.  First (and most likely), he’ll marry the woman his family chooses for him, treat her well (as he’s done with you), and learn to love her over time as she does him.  You may well remain the secret love in his heart, but life will move on.  And you will slowly get over this pain, and meet another man, one who’s available to you, and move forward with him – likely with more happiness than your current boyfriend is going to have (because you’ll have chosen this next guy).

            OR… it goes a different direction.  Your boyfriend tries to play by his family’s rules, but it doesn’t work.  He misses you.  He gets angry with his parents.  He gets introduced to the sorts of women they want, and doesn’t feel anything for them.  And eventually he breaks off from agreeing to their idea, and comes back to you, begging you to take him back.

            But that second idea, romantic as it is, can’t happen until he is forced to make up his mind.  His idea of you as his lover is a great way of him avoiding that choice – but you (and any woman he’s paired up with) deserve him to be forced into it!

            I’m so sorry this situation is so hard.  But truly, if you can do this (maybe the most difficult thing you’ve ever done), it ought to free you both up to far better lives than his idea can possibly offer you.

            With all my love,

            Shirelle

0 Should one only be with people of the right height?

Awerpia asks:

My girlfriend is 150cm tall (4 feet.) She’s short. And I am 165cm (around 5 feet). You see I love her so dearly that I don’t care about what other people see as flaws. My grandmother is a short woman around the same height as my mum and aunt, and coincidentally my girlfriend too. She blamed her children being short on her accepting short men. As such she vowed never to allow any of her daughters marry a short man. And her dream worked at least for my mum. My “stubborn” aunty married a short man (and yes her daughter is extremely short). You see, since my cousins and I were born, the only thing these three seemed to care about was us growing taller than each other. They just despise being short.  My mum in particular believes people look down on short people and that when you marry a short person you will end up with dwarfs as children. Even to the point, my grandmother behaved rudely to an innocent short girl who visited my male cousin. Thank God I don’t live with my grandmother and aunty. You see my mother never warned me initially about short girls. I would have killed the love I had for the girl if I knew it was a “taboo.” You see, as we speak now, I’m so much in love with the girl. And I really fear what these women would do if I introduce her in person. Right now my mum has only seen pictures of her because she lives in another part of the country. It’s not like I really care about my girlfriend’s height. She gives me the best hugs in the world. I tease her about her height, and I can easily carry her in my arms. She’s just cute. But right now I wish I could make her taller. And she’s already 25. I wish God could just add some 10 cms to her height overnight. I have searched everywhere from yoga to subliminal to exercises to meditation to pills, and I don’t even know if they will work or if she would have the time for it. And coming home and staying with mum makes me feel like it’s bad to be short. I look at her and she’s become fat and small and shorter because of her weight. It makes me question myself if that’s how my girlfriend would be one day, and if our children would be too short. If they would also fall into the “curse of being short.” This whole thing is just eating me up and I sincerely don’t know what to do.  I wish I could make her taller. I wish I could blind them from seeing her height. I wish I knew that my children would have a good height. But on the other hand I love my girlfriend so much. I’m in tears right now. I don’t know what to do. She’s my first girl and I want her to be the last!

Hi Awerpia –

The values humans put on physical attributes just fascinate me.  Where I live, I don’t see anyone look down on short women, but it’s very difficult for tall girls, especially growing up.  Boys don’t want to date or dance with them, because they think they’ll make them look less masculine.  (Of course then, some of those women use their height to go into modeling, which suddenly makes them “trophies” in men’s eyes!).

Meanwhile, of course, I see people judge others drastically based on the color of their skin, their skinniness, curviness, or weight, and even hair color! 

Now don’t get me wrong.  Everyone has the right to be attracted to what they’re attracted to.  I know a woman who’s happy to date any guy as long as his feet aren’t smaller than hers; that creeps her out!  And my human friend Handsome, who has dated many women most men find gorgeous, is actually more attracted to a woman’s voice than her looks.  And because of that, a “knockout” whose voice doesn’t attract him is far less appealing than a less-pretty girl who melts him with every word!

But I’m talking about values.  My woman friend doesn’t look down on men with small feet, and Handsome doesn’t disrespect women with unappealing voices.  But your family seems to actually devalue short women – even though many of them ARE short women!

So here’s the funny fact about this.  Humans have been growing taller, as a species, for the last thousand years.  Have you ever seen actual suits of armor from the Medieval era?  The brave knights who wore them, the ultimate macho-men of all time, were the size of today’s twelve-year-olds!  Improved nutrition, better medicine, and knowledge of best exercise have all helped people grow everywhere.  My guess is that your family’s five-foot men and four-foot women are the descendants of three-and-a-half-foot ancestors, maybe even shorter!

And so, there’s a really good chance that if you and your four-foot beloved have children, the girls will end up taller than her, and the boys taller than you.  Just by a centimeter or two, but enough to quiet your family’s concerns.

But that’s not what I care most about.  After all, shortness isn’t all that big a problem.  Vladimir Putin is just a bit taller than you.  The great musicians Paul Simon and Prince are/were your height.  And if you ever watched the popular show Game of Thrones, you know that Tyrion Lannister is the coolest character EVER, and is close to your girlfriend’s height!

But you know who’s way shorter than them?  And everyone I know thinks the world of?  ME!  On all fours I’m not quite three feet tall.  But I fill every room I enter – everyone wants to pet me except those who find me frightening!  “That’s a big scary dog!”

I’m sure your grandmother, mother, and aunt have suffered from being short, and the fact that they want the children in their family to skip that suffering is a virtue.  But they also need to realize that, by being wonderful women, they taught you to LIKE women like them, and seek out that sort of girl.

Normally I’d push all sorts of great stories on you about love overcoming prejudice, from West Side Story and Marty to The Shape of Water.  But in this case, it’s not that your family insists on you finding someone like them, but that they want someone different from them.

So I’d like you to look them each in the eye and tell them that you think she – your grandmother, your aunt, and your mother – is perfect.  Just the way I see Handsome and he sees me.  There’s nothing you’d change about them.  And that that means that you know a bunch of perfect four-foot-tall women.  And you’d like to introduce them to another.

And then you can add that, if they can’t accept her, that you’ll have to keep her away from them.  And that that would be for the stupidest reason EVER, that they can’t accept someone like them!

And my guess, Awerpia?  My guess is that they’ll all roll their eyes, sigh at the fact that your kids will have the same problems they did, and then accept her – and fall as much in love with her as you have.

And hopefully, they’ll learn a bit about accepting others, and about valuing themselves.  Which will be just great for everyone.

With HUGE GIGANTIC hopes for you!

Shirelle

PS: Oh I almost forgot.  While there are supplements and things you can give your kids to help them grow taller, nothing’s going to make an adult taller without causing severe spinal damage.  Love her as she is.  After all, you already do!

0 Is it wrong to marry someone when that will bring them into your family’s problems?

Kiran1209 asks:

 In my family, there is no good communication between my mother and father. And the situation has been like this for years. There is always a difference in opinion between them and this leads to fighting. Often I don’t like the atmosphere that is created in the house. There is never a normal discussion in our house, it always ends up in fighting ( verbally). I always have to intervene and lighten the atmosphere.  I hope you get what I am trying to tell. If it had been a little abnormal, I would have not mentioned this to you.  So, the girl I met comes from a different atmosphere (normal family ). It’s much better than our house. So, a thought comes to my mind “why a girl like her should be exposed to such a negative atmosphere?” And this thought goes through my mind continuously when I am at home (dealing with the condition).  And in arranged marriage it’s not just two people but the families are involved too.  I told her about the family situation too and asked if she wouldn’t rather have an arrange marriage with a more suitable option than me (family being my main concern). But even after telling her this, she wanted to go ahead with me. I didn’t understand why she still wanted to go ahead in this process with me. On asking her she told me “I discussed the above point with my mother (her mother) and she said you want to live with the person most of the time and his behavior matters the most.” Yes, the person who you are marrying matters the most, but the family’s behavior is also important, right?  I just can’t get rid of the thought that, why should such a person come into a negative atmosphere of our family.  How would you look at this situation??

Hi Kiran1209 –

There’s an old story about a traveling salesman.  He goes to a small town and wants to get a haircut.  He finds out there are two barbers in the town.  He walks around to check them out.  The first barber’s shop is a disaster – it looks like it hasn’t been swept up in weeks, the equipment is old, and the barber himself has sloppy hair and clothes.  He then goes to the second shop.  It’s neat, clean, and fashionable.  The barber is smartly dressed and groomed, everything in place.

He goes to the first shop.  Why?

Because that’s the barber who gave the second barber his haircut!   The neat one gave the crummy cut to the slob!

Now back to you, you are absolutely correct that families matter enormously in all relationships, and even more in arranged marriages.  But I’m guessing that this girl has seen that, in her family where her parents get along so well, she or one of her siblings is the “difficult one” in the house.  And the parents have to calm that person down.  Whereas in your home, you are the mediator, you’re the one making everything better.  Isn’t that the ideal guy she ought to consider marrying?!

I’ll add something else.  She’s heard your pain.  You hate what’s wrong in your parents’ marriage, and want so badly to have something different from that.  Well, when she hears that, she’s hearing “I don’t want endless fighting.  I want to work things out and be happy.”

I’m no mind-reader, but if I have this correct, this lady is S M A R T !!!!

All my best,

Shirelle

ps: Oh one other thing – she also sees that your parents, who struggle in their marriage, have still stayed together.  That also might mean a lot to her – this isn’t a family where people are going to divorce at the first disagreement!

0 Should you stay in a relationship with someone who says it can’t last long-term?

Suzyz asks:

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and I love him very much.  We belong to different religions. He sometimes says he will be with be and sometimes says that there will be a lot of problems we could not face and stay strong. He says he would have to separate from his family which he can’t do. He says let’s just be together till time permits and then we will go our separate ways. When I try to reason, he says that this is life and you have to move on. I know I am going to lose him but why is this happening to me?  If he can’t stay with me in the future because of his parents, then why not leave me today? I just don’t have the courage to stop talking to him or end this relationship. We are in the same college and class which only makes the situation worse.  Plz help, I am tired of crying. 

Hi Suzyz –

I’m so sorry! I hate it when my friends cry!

Have you ever heard of John Gray?  He wrote a famous book called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and a number of sequels to it.  At one point, he wrote about the question of whether couples should share interests, or have an “opposites attract” dynamic.  

His answer was that it doesn’t matter.  That it can be delightful when both of you like horror movies or football, and it can be fun when you disagree about lots of things. But, he argued, what matters is that the partners share Values. Core moral values.  Especially if they’re thinking of having and raising children.

So she loves reading sappy romantic novels while he plays violent first-person-shooter video games?  That can be okay, if they agree about those big issues – like whether it’s ever okay to break the law, or about religion in their lives.  

That last one is a big one.  Because you can disagree about politics and just avoid discussing it, but religion is about values, and about eternity.

So you can probably see where I’m going with this.  You say you’re in college.  Well that’s a good age for casual dating – so if you want to have someone to go to dancing with, then all I care about is that he treats you respectfully. But if you’re thinking about a serious partnership – then my simple answer is No.  You have different religions, and he’s treating you like I treat a chew toy – enjoying it but tearing it to bits and leaving it strewn around the yard.

You. Can. Do. Better!

And so can he.  Better for him to find a woman who fits his religion (who’ll probably then turn his life upside down by being ten times as demanding as you’d ever have been!), while you find a good guy who respects you, works to understand you, and maybe even shares your religious beliefs.

Some questions are hard.  This one’s easy.  For me anyway.

For you, now comes the hard part.  Especially as you’re in classes together.  And it will hurt like blazes, I know – especially as you love him so much.  But once you’ve freed each other, your lives will be so much better! 

Best of luck with it,

Shirelle