Category Archives for "Family"

0 Who should know about teen pregnancy?

Bambam asks: who will benefit from talking about teen pregnacy and why??

Hi Bambam –

Thanks for your question about talking about teen pregnancy.

But I have to admit, it’s a pretty funny question in a way.  I mean, it’s not really going to do grandparents or monks a lot of good to talk about it, is it?  But there are three groups of people who should be talking about it – a lot!

The first is, of course, teenagers.  Teens need to be aware of the choices they have, the science of biology and anatomy, the laws about sex and parenthood, and most importantly, they need to know the truth about all these things, and not just some silly stuff someone made up for popularity or political Continue reading

0 How to convince a parent to let you start dating

Sweetchocolatechip asks: I’m 15 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I used to think this was cool — you know, saving myself for the ‘right one’ — but now when everyone asks this mean question, “Do you have a boyfriend?!” and I say no, I feel like they believe I’m undesirable. All my life, whenever a guy has asked me to be his girlfriend, I’ve always said “thanks but no thanks.” But now I’ve met someone who has loved/liked me since primary school, and I think I’m ready to say yes! The only problem is that my aunt [whom I live with] is afraid of me having a boyfriend, and so is my mom. I’m recently baptized, so I don’t want to lie to anyone, but I feel its time now for me to have a boyfriend. What should I do?

Hi Sweetchocolatechip –

Thanks for your question about a first boyfriend.

I would first recommend you check out my earlier post about when it’s right to start dating.  But you have a very tough situation besides that.  I think it’s totally great that you’ve waited till you knew what you wanted, and it’s absolutely splendid (and sooooo romantic!) that this boy has wanted you for years, and you think you’d like to go out with him!  But now you have to deal with your aunt and your mom.

This is such a tough problem.  I know they mean well.  But you and I both know what they’re really frightened of – and that is the key to the Continue reading

0 How to handle excess worry, even if it’s about real things

everyday96 asks: I feel like nothing I do makes sense. I can’t remember the last time I actually smiled or laughed from my heart. You see, my parents are both a little overaged (56 and 57 years old), but more importantly they both have diseases from which they can drop dead at any moment. I try to help out best I can, but I’m just a kid, and even if I do help, I always feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’m not only worried about them, but now I’m also worried about myself. I haven’t been able to sleep lately because I’m afraid that if I do I might wake up an orphan. Sometimes I think they would have been better off if I wasn’t born at all. They do everything for me, but I don’t know if I can give it back. Please help me – I don’t know what I have to do to make them feel better. If I can see them smile again I’d be the happiest boy in the world.

Hi everyday96 –

There’s a word for what you’re suffering, and it’s called Anxiety.  Anxiety is what you have when you worry all the time, and worry too much.  Now note, no one is saying that you’re worrying about ridiculous things (like, say, worrying that bears will turn into bunnyrabbits).  But it is when you worry so much about even sensible things that the worry becomes a bigger problem than the problems you’re worrying about!

Now I don’t know what diseases your parents have, but I can say that 56 and 57 aren’t all that Continue reading

0 Should parents search their children’s phone?

Mika asks: Should parents search their children’s phone?

Hi Mika –

This is a really tough question.  Of course parents should do anything and everything they can to keep their children safe.  And if they’re truly worried about something happening on their kid’s cell phone (for example, creepy adults contacting their kids, or something about drugs), they absolutely have every right and responsibility to check.

But then I hear other cases, like a letter from abcdefg I got a while back, a parent who had been looking on her teenage daughter’s cell phone and wanted to know what to do about the relationship she’d discovered.  You can find it here on this site if you like.

The real point here is that cell phones are like many other things in our world – public items that involve privacy.  Humans can keep people from reading their Facebook page, they can put blocks on their kids’ emails, etc.  It’s all very Continue reading

0 How to talk freely with your parents

Priya asks: I’m not able to talk to my parents freely. What should I do?

Hi Priya –

Thanks for your question about not being able to talk to your parents freely.

The tough question here is whether it’s because they are impossible to communicate with, or because you’re unwilling or scared to try.  Either – or both – is possible.

I’m going to guess that it’s a bit of both, which is what I usually see in families.  If that’s the case, you need to do two things.  First, you need to do whatever you can to help them improve communication with you.  That probably means that they need to develop a trust that you can have a mature conversation with them, about a difficult subject.  And the only way you can prove that is to do it:  Go to them with a subject that is slightly difficult, and sit down and talk openly about it.  Let’s say, for example, that you have no interest in Continue reading

0 How to resolve a fight between your children

Erika asks: My two sons, aged 11 and 13, had a fight over a remote control a month ago and surprisingly they have not spoken to each other after that. I am quite worried. I have asked them to shake hands several times, and threatened to remove some privileges if they continue to not talk to each other. They would ask nonsense questions just to please me, but when left alone, they are back to their non-speaking situation. What else should I do, as I am so worried sick that this situation will remain for the rest of their lives!

Hi Erika –

It’s so interesting how these things happen.  Today, I also got a letter from Ricca (even a similar name to yours), about a fight she was in with her sister.  I want you to read that one, because I think it applies, but of course you’ll need more than just that.  (Just put her name in the Search box, and you’ll get it).

Of course the difference between you and Ricca is that she was in the fight and you’re not.  You’re on the outside, just like me!

But from my outside vantage, I need to point something out, that’s very clear from this distance (but maybe not up-close).  This fight is not about a remote control.  It never was.  No one cares this much about a remote control!  This is about your sons’ issues with each other, which existed long before that fight, and are continuing.  Now I don’t know exactly what the issues are or were, but that’s our job to figure Continue reading

0 How to resolve a fight between sisters

ricca asks: Today my sister and I were having a big war, and we’re still not settled down. What should I do?

Hi Ricca –

Thanks for your question about your fight with your sister.

Of course, I have no idea what your fight was over, or who was right or wrong.  But in the end, that really doesn’t matter anyway, does it?  What’s bothering you is that your fight is continuing, and that you need a way to resolve it.

Now if that’s only your feeling, and not your sister’s, that’s your first problem.  Somehow, you need to convince her to work with you to move past the fight.  I usually find that the best way to get that going is to find some part, any part, of the fight that you can acknowledge was your fault.  Or where you were wrong.  Let’s say the fight was because she set your bed on fire by accident.  Now you’re not about to say that was okay, but maybe you could acknowledge that if you had made your bed, the sheets wouldn’t have been touching the floor, where the gasoline she spilled could reach them!  (Don’t ask me how she got gasoline into your room or how it got lit – this dog’s imagination only goes so Continue reading

0 How to handle a stressful family

Mandy asks: I’m a young teen in need of help. Pressure and stress have gone to my head, and I have had enough with my family! My stepmother and biological mother are smothering me! I am tired of living. Can you give me something to raise my spirits? That’s really what I need right now.

Hi Mandy –

I know exactly how you feel!  And I can promise you one other thing – so does every person reading this!!!  EVERYONE goes through it!  Especially when you’re a teenager!

You might have heard of a famous actor named James Dean.  His most famous role was in a movie called “Rebel Without a Cause,” where he played a teenager pushed to the edge in lots of ways.  At the beginning of the movie, he gets in trouble with the cops, and his parents come to get him, arguing and worrying and criticizing and scolding until he finally screams, “You’re tearing me APART!”

Sound familiar?

Mandy, I would love to give you something to raise your spirits.  But I don’t know you well enough to know what kind of songs or jokes or food you like (for me: Artie Shaw, watching cats slip on bananas, and cheeseburgers!  Just in case you were wondering).

So instead, I’m going to make a point that I often do, but I think it just can’t be emphasized enough – This Will Pass.  It is very hard for teenagers to believe this, and there’s a very important reason for that.

In the last decade or so, scientists have discovered a fascinating thing about brain development.  By the time a kid becomes a teenager, their brain is fully complete, with one exception.  They don’t yet have a full sense of Time.  That sense isn’t full till one is 19 or so.

This is why teenagers are so passionate and intense (which is great) and why they so often feel that what they’re going through at the time will last forever.  (I love to point out that Shakespeare was totally right to have Romeo and Juliet be teenagers; if they were in their 20s, they’d have calmly worked to find a way to either make their parents get along, or sneak away.  So what a bore that play would have turned out to be!)

Mandy, it totally stinks that you’re having to go through all this with your mother and stepmother.  It’s not fair and it’s not reasonable.  But it is temporary!  The day will come when you can move out, or you can get them to treat you better.  But for now, my impassioned advice to you is to do what every dog in the world does when they’re left at home alone.  Trust that somehow, in some way, life will get good again.  And it almost always does.

And in the meantime…   songs, jokes, and food…  hey those can really help!

Cheers,

Shirelle

PS:  But if there’s anything I can suggest, to make dealing with these ladies easier, just let me know.  I’m always glad to help.

0 How to tell an only child they’re about to have a younger sibling

Haj asks: How should parents deal with the first child, when the mother is about to have a second child? How she should prepare and give time to the first one, to make sure they don’t get emotionally disturbed?

Hi Haj –

What a great question!

You are absolutely right to want to prepare your child for having a younger sibling.  For many kids, this is the biggest event of their lives, and the most difficult.

It’s easy to understand why.  Since they were born, that child has been the center of your universe, and felt it!  No matter what scary or upsetting things came at them in their life, they knew one really important fact: I am the person my parents love more than anything else in the world!

And now, suddenly… oops!  What’s about to happen?  Their whole world is about to crumble!  Their parents have chosen, chosen!, to bring another kid into this home, to split their attention between us instead of giving it all to me, to love that other kid as much as me, or maybe Continue reading

0 How to deal with a child’s stage fright

parents asks: My 6-year-old daughter is in grade one this year and she is really good in her studies. Now the school is having a spelling competition, and I want her to participate in it because she is a good speller, but she doesn’t want to do it. She told me she’d have to go up the stage alone and everyone would be watching her try to spell a word, and she’s too shy so she doesn’t want to do it. What worries me is why she is labelling herself as ‘shy.’ It is o.k if she doesn’t do it, but I am afraid that later in her life she might see herself as a shy and miss out on chances, whether in her study or her career. Can you tell me how to act in this kind of situation, what I should say and do? Do I have to push her to take the spelling quiz, or tell her it is o.k if you she’s not ready? For now, every time she tells me she’s shy, I tell her she’s not, and that everyone feels shy but they go ahead and do things. Is this right?

Hi Parents –

Thanks for your question about your daughter’s shyness.

If your daughter were older, I’d be giving her all sorts of suggestions, as I have to others here, on how to get comfortable with public speaking.  But a child of six really doesn’t need these skills yet.  What I want you to do, instead, is to work to build her self-esteem, so she’s able to confront her fears later on.

There’s even a really good chance that your daughter doesn’t really fear getting up in public, but hears other kids at school saying that they’re scared of it, and wants to fit in with them. That’s totally normal for this age, and not a bad thing at all.  If so, when she sees other kids get onto that stage, she’ll suddenly crave to do it herself, and your concerns will be all Continue reading