Category Archives for "Family"

0 What to do if a boy hits a girl in fun

prettyndsweet12 asks: I recently had an encounter with a boy slapping me in the face. I did hit him back and just assumed he was just playing. I told my mom about only to find out that she told my grandma and my dad. I told my mom as a way to bond with her and let her know I’m trying to be more open with her and it was only supposed to between her and me. How do I explain this to my mom nicely and how do I tell my dad I don’t want to talk about it with him?

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

You’re dealing here with two problems.  One is with your actual relationship with the boy.  The other is about how different people see certain actions.

With the boy, it sounds like you’re feeling okay about what happened.  I’ll allow that, though I will say that I get a bit concerned about a boy who thinks it’s “just playing” to hit a girl.  When I play with other dogs, it’s very rough, as you can probably guess.   But we have some very specific rules.  One is that if one of us yelps, the other pulls back right away.  Another is that, if one of our humans tells us to stop, we have to stop (at least for a second!).  The problem I’m having is that most boys have a similar rule, to never hit a girl.  So the fact that he slapped you, even in play, means he’s playing by a different set of rules.  And I don’t know what they are.  I certainly don’t want to see a wonderful girl like you in a relationship where it’s considered “okay” for you two to be hitting each other (eventually it wouldn’t be fair to you, just by the nature of the way boys’ arms and shoulders are built).  So I’d really like you to feel like you could talk to him about it – maybe to say “That was okay, and I made it even, but don’t ever hit me again – it won’t be okay next time.”  Something like that.  If you do that, and he respects what you say, all is fine.  (And if he doesn’t, I hereby give you the right to get your friends together to pound him!)

Now, about your parents:  It’s impossible for a kid or a dog to understand the way our Continue reading

0 How loss affects one’s work

Salvatore asks: The first time I wrote you was when I was depressed because of my father’s death. I had the fear that my mom would die too, like my father, but you said that she might live long… your letters were a great satisfaction to me. The problem is this that my mom has died too. After her death it seems to me that the world has stopped, as if life has lost its meanings. Following are the thoughts and problems that have overpowered me: I can’t perform well in studies; I am unable to form concepts; At times I feel too giddy; My mathematics isn’t good; I have nothing that can distinguish me from other people; I overthink the things; I can’t understand how people laugh and talk about silly and useless things. All of this leads me to only one conclusion: ”I CAN’T BECOME A DOCTOR!” I have always wanted to be one. For that I have to get at least 90 percent marks in FSc part 1 and 2. I burnt the midnight oil in part 1, but I got only 84 percent marks because of the totally unfair marking by examiner – and I’m not allowed to challenge him in a court of law. I am really depressed. I am having trouble sleeping, and nightmares. I need a solution!

Hi Salvatore –

Salvatore, you absolutely break my heart.

There are no words I can offer, no licks, no paw, no howling at the moon, that remotely tell how sad I am that you have gone through this second devastating loss so soon.  It’s not fair.  Not in any way.  And if there was something I could do to bring your mother back, I’d do it in a second.  But of course I can’t.  All I can do is look at you with the biggest dog-eyes I can and let you know, I am SO sorry.

I certainly understand your wish to do better in school, and I hope you can.  But I need to tell you, it’s very possible that these two losses have just been too much, and you might not get the best grades right now.  And if so, I have a number of things to say to you.

First, you’re young.  You can take these exams again.  Especially given the reason you can tell the testers about why you were “off” when you took these.  You just might need more time, before you can relax and concentrate enough for them.

Second, the things you tell me about your feelings make me think that you’re still in a state of shock.  This will pass.  You will be affected by these losses forever, of course, but you will survive them.  People do every day.  And you will get stronger.

Third, there’s a thing the great people in Continue reading

0 How to feel comfortable in different environments

Buendia asks: I’m very shy. I know I can talk with people at school and everything but I don’t know what I would do if I saw them outside of school. Let’s say I meet an acquaintance; what do I do? Do I talk with them or not? Do I completely avoid them or try to hide from them? Or what if I see my classmates outside? I would hate them seeing me. This fear of mine has made me come to such a point that I am scared of going out from my house. I am only comfortable going out with my parents and my close friends, (about 6 people). And another thing, I feel embarrassed about being seen with my brother. Like take today for instance, he wanted to go outside and it’s a beautiful day but want I don’t to go outside cause he dresses so loud. I always wanted to be not this person. Hanging out with people judging their looks. But unfortunately I am. I am no racist but I only hang out with people who have a good dressing sense, like my closest friends. So my questions are: What is this problem I have? How do I cure it, and is this just social anxiety? I am sick of living in fear of seeing people I sort of know outside and them seeing me, especially if they are in a group.

Hi Buendia –

I can only guess as to what’s really going on with you, but here are my top three guesses:

1)    A famous US president once said “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”  Most likely, this is your situation.  You meet up with people in a place that isn’t normal for you (“normal” in the sense that you always see them at school), and you wonder what you should say.  Then that makes you worry that maybe you’d say the wrong thing.  Then that makes you worry that you aren’t saying enough.  And that makes you worry that you might look wrong.  And that makes you worry… and on and on.  So the only thing that is truly worthy of your worrying about is all your crazy worrying!  If this is the case, my advice is to Continue reading

0 When people think what you like is weird

McKenna asks: My friends and my family always make fun of anything I like because I like stuff that almost no one else does. I know that I should not care what anyone else thinks, but it hurts when they make fun of the things I like. Also my mom always thinks that I’m too old for this stuff, so she won’t let me get anything I like because she thinks its dumb. How am I supposed to ignore them when it’s all I can think about?

Hi McKenna –

This world would be a lot easier and more fun if everyone would just accept that not everyone likes the same things, and that that’s okay (as long as no one’s being hurt or taken advantage of).

I deal with this all the time.  Handsome thinks about 99% of what I like is just fine.  He loves watching me run, he loves feeding me dinner and treats, he loves that I love him and other people.  But when I smell some really fragrant cat poop and find it delightful to roll in and eat, he’s downright intolerant!  He washes me off with soap, and makes me sleep outside till my breath goes back to normal!  Really, he’s my favorite person in the world, but at moments like that, he’s kind of a jerk!

At the same time, believe it or not, Handsome has had a number of friends (and especially girlfriends – you know, the sort of friends where they hug and kiss and all that?) who have serious problems with how much he likes me!  “What’s the big deal?  She’s just a dog!”  “What’s wrong with you, are you in love with that dirty mutt?”  “You don’t let it near food, do you?”  People are just funny that way!

The problem for you is, like Handsome’s problems with his friends and girlfriends, you can’t just ignore them.  Here’s something you really like, and here’s someone who’s super-important in your life (even your mom!) saying that you shouldn’t like it.  That’s completely crazy-making!

So, to answer your question… You Continue reading

0 Should friends become boyfriend and girlfriend because one of them says they should?

Howling wolves asks: I have a friend that I like, and he likes me. But my mom had a long talk with the two of us and said that she’s fine with us hanging out and liking each other, but she said that I’m NOT allowed to have a boyfriend. I’m ok with it, but lately that friend keeps telling me that we NEED to be boyfriend and girlfriend to be together, and that he doesn’t want to be just friends anymore. I can’t disobey my mother, so what should I do?

Hi Howling wolves –

One of the toughest, and most important, things about growing up is developing a sense of your self-worth.  We dogs tend to have it pretty easily, unless it’s beaten out of us (which happens more often than I’d like to admit).  But you humans, with your giant brains, have a tougher task at hand.

You see, when you’re children, normally you defer to adults’ opinions on everything – and that’s good.  You want to cross a busy street alone, your mother tells you you aren’t ready to do that yet, and while your ego says “Sure I am!” you develop a sense that she might know something you don’t, and so you don’t walk out there (and, by making that decision, you live another day!).

Then you get a little older, and start school, and the same thing happens with the other kids.  You want to wear your Hello Kitty t-shirt to school because you love it, but the kids in your class think Hello Kitty is kind of “last year,” and, although it’s your favorite shirt, you learn to choose the clothes that will help you fit in more.  And again, this is totally okay (as long as you don’t throw the shirt out – since fashions change!).

But then you get a little older, and find yourself in just the situation you’re Continue reading

0 What to do with a new stepfamily

prettyndsweet12 asks: My dad is getting married which means I’ll have lots of new family members; a stepmom, two stepbrothers, a stepsister, and a step-niece, which brings up a question: I’ve never had a stepmom or step siblings before; do you have any tips or advice on that? But my number one question is what do I call her???

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

There are no rules about stepfamilies.  It sounds like you have a great attitude about them (curiosity and excitement, rather than dread and plans-to-dislike).  So my main suggestion would be to hold onto that attitude, and give them all a chance.  You’ll like some more than others, and that’s fine.

You might also find that one or more of your new stepsiblings (or your step-niece) has absolutely no interest in becoming friends with you.  For those, just give them time.

I can’t tell you how many friends and girlfriends Handsome has brought into my life, many of whom were bothered by me or just wanted nothing to do with me at first.  But over time, almost all of them have fallen in love with me, just because I’ve stayed good-natured and friendly with them throughout.  And those few others who just could never get to liking me, I’ve just accepted that that’s their problem; they still tolerate me, so Handsome can still be friendly with them.  They’ll just never get to know how fun and wonderful I can be, which is sad for them.

If you have that experience with any of these new family members, then I’d say the same thing – too bad for them.  Suckers!

Now, though, when it comes to your stepmother, that’s a very interesting Continue reading

0 How to stay patient when it’s impossible

Tech deck12345 asks: My toy is coming in the mail soon but I am getting really impatient, and my sister has the same toy and will not let me do anything with them. Help!!!!

Hi Tech deck12345 –

OH do I get this!  We pups have no patience at all!  We can be trained to sit still, but that doesn’t mean our attention isn’t completely on whatever it is we’re impatient about!

WHY can’t Handsome open the door the second I see a dog outside?  WHY can’t someone feed me the second I smell their food?  WHY do I have to stay perfectly still when obviously the person I love is walking away?  And, every day, why can’t Handsome come back home NOW?!

Apparently adult humans learn a lot of patience.  I guess that’s one reason they do so many things so well – from bringing food home to driving cars, to raising kids.  But the reason kids need to be raised is because they’re like us dogs, and want what we want NOW!

Now Tech deck12345, there’s also a big difference between trying to be patient about something we’re just aware of (like that Handsome hasn’t come home yet) and trying when there’s something we want that’s right in front of us.  I knew a dog named Ygor, who, when his humans would come home, would get so excited and impatient that he’d lose control of his Continue reading

0 Should someone try to be funny at school, they way they do at home?

cutepuppy asks: At school I’m shy, but at home I’m not; I’m funny at home. In school I don’t want to be shy, I want to be really funny, but how? And if I act funny, they might not think its funny!

Hi cutepuppy –

“Funny” is such a difficult thing to define!  Some people find Shakespeare’s comedies hilarious.  Others find “Austin Powers” movies uproarious.  Some people memorize every word ever spoken on “Seinfeld,” while others find it dull, but laugh till tears roll at “Modern Family.”  Was Jerry Lewis funny?  People can get violent over that one!  What do you think of Roberto Benigni, Jim Carrey, Zach Galifanakis, Melissa McCarthy?  Is a person slipping on a banana peel funny?  What about a man in a dress?  What about a pie fight?

There’s no single right answer.  The truth is all of those people and things have been very very funny to a great many people.  Handsome tells me the funniest thing he ever saw was a dog he had before he knew me, holding a very wide bone, trying to run through a thin doggy-door.  Would I have found that funny?  I truly have no idea.  But he still laughs about it, many years later.

Now because of this, you’re absolutely correct that there’s no way you could know that the kids at school would find you funny, in the same way your family does at home.  But I’m guessing that the bigger problem is that you don’t feel the Continue reading

0 Is it a good idea for a teenager to move in with a relative in order to stay in the same school?

irina1997 asks: I’m 17, in high school. My parents want to move away from the city. Partly because they want peace and quiet but also because it’s cheaper there. The house they found is really far away from my school and I would take very long bus rides every day. I have another choice. I could move in with a cousin. She’s about 30 and lives alone in a big apartment, which is very close to my school. I don’t want to move away from the city but I’m kind of sad/scared to live without my parent and with a person I don’t really know. What should I do?

Hi irina1997 –

This is a really tough question.  If you were much younger, I’d say that it’s probably worth more to stay with your parents, as you’ll just get used to your new school and it’ll be fine.  If you were an adult, I’d say you should definitely move out, just for the adventure.  But you’re right on the tightrope between the two.

So I think either one could be fine.  The difference between the two is in the risk you take.  Moving with your parents sets up a risk that you might not like your new school, or make many friends, before you’re done there.  Moving in with your cousin sets up a risk that you might not get along that well with her.

But the difference between these two risks is that one of them offers you a chance to Continue reading

0 How to deal with a parent who can’t compliment you

lover454 asks: How would you interpret what my mom (age 88) said to me (age 59), given the fact she always has to be snide with me. Keep in mind this is the same mother who twice (a year ago and a few years ago) said to me that I was overdressed for an interview. Today I drove her to do some chores and I said to her “Are you really putting down my clothes” and in a sarcastic way she said, “Yes I am”. Anyway I dropped it, and when we finished part of the chores she had one more chore to do, so as I was driving her to that chore I decided to ask her again about my clothes, and she replied, “I would never even tell you if I liked something you were wearing, because if I didn’t say I liked what you were wearing the next day you would get upset.” So I teased her about that answer At the next chore, after she finished, she said to me in the car after I pestered her a little more, “There are some days one looks better than others,” which got me upset and I asked her to clarify, and she said, “The hair can look better some days than others, one has no make up on.” We said a few other things which made her say, “I would never tell you when you look great” (THIS WAS THE LINE THAT GOT ME REALLY ANGRY BECAUSE TO ME THIS IS IMPLYING I DON’T LOOK GOOD UNLESS SHE THINKS SO. We had some fight at home and we are still not speaking. She got really nasty about how I look, telling me all kinds of nasty things. How would you interpret her “look great” remark?

Hi lover454 –

I’m going to make a guess. Now you can be sure, we dogs don’t make correct guesses often, so I know there’s a good chance I’m wrong, but I’m going to risk it anyway:

I’m going to guess that your mother has never been very complimentary toward you. I’m going to guess that when you were young, she criticized how you dressed for school, or how you did on your grades, or how you did in sports – and later, how you looked when you went on a date (and who the person was you were going out with), and who you chose for your friends, and what sort of work you did… I’ll bet she’s always been really tough on you.

The reason I’m guessing that is that most people reach a point in life where they don’t care what certain people think. But one thing that will keep that person’s opinion mattering to you (especially if it’s a parent) is if you’re still Continue reading