Category Archives for "Family"

0 Can we ever trust friends as much as our family?

Wooff asks: Are we all alone at the end of the day except family? Recently I have gone through a bit of depression. But I know happier days await me. I think it started when I realized no one, even your closest friend, trusts you fully. They might say they do but at the end of the day they don’t. I have experienced this in almost all of my friendships. As a child I’ve valued friendships a lot. My friends used to mean so much to me. I always try to see the best in people, despite everything. My mom always used to tell me that these friends won’t matter to me soon enough. I refused to believe so. There was even a point where my friends mattered more to me. But as I’m growing up, I’m learning family indeed comes first; but can your friends never trust you and love you as much as you do? You see Shirelle, with me, all sorts of relationships are a disaster or they turn out to be. I either ghost a person or avoid them. Believe me, I am great at doing both. I lost several relationships because of doing so. As I start spending more and more time with these people, I end up getting hurt or end up hurting someone. Which mostly results in me ghosting them. I do realize, people change. Friendships are not constant. But does that really mean that I won’t have a single lifetime friend? Are all those movies lying about finding a true friend? I still believe that every individual is beautiful in some way. But do they not want the same thing as I? A true friend? (I’m really sorry if my thoughts are all over the place, but my head is sort of dizzy.) I hope I can find someone like Handsome. You are lucky, and he is also lucky to have you. Despite everything, I do believe that there are true friendships. But is everyone selfish and self absorbed? Can a person never trust you fully? Can you never find a true friend? Are we all alone at the end of the day? Can your friends never be like your family?

Hi Wooff –

I see your question as really being two questions. One about whether anyone can be as great as family, and one about whether anyone can ever fully trust. I’ll jump to the last one first.

Betrayal stinks. No way around it. When a friend does something that takes your trust away, or when someone who should trust you doesn’t, it’s just about as bad a feeling as exists. I’m sorry you’ve had to suffer it so much.

But I think there’s a different way to look at it. Because sometimes we learn that someone is trustworthy… to a limit.

My best example from this is when I was young, maybe a year old. I had tested Handsome a million times over, and knew deep in my heart that he was absolutely perfect and always there for me. And one day he excitedly told me we were going to the park – my favorite place in the world – and took me outside and opened the back door to his car, and I jumped in joyously, and he slammed the door shut… right on my Continue reading

2 How to co-parent with different values

mrsstar922 asks: My husband and I just recently married, but have known each other for over 25 years. I came into the relationship with a 5-year-old daughter. He is the middle of three boys and I have one younger brother. My mother was very strict as I was growing up. I am not as harsh with my daughter as my mother was with me but I rarely have discipline issues with my now 7-year-old daughter. My husband is EXCESSIVELY critical and barks at her for things as simple as screaming when something scares her or talking during a TV program. I have learned patience with her over the years and I know her better than he does. Obviously. He has no children of his own but wants one. We have two totally different parenting styles. I cannot get him to compromise, or even to listen to me for advice on how to handle her when she misbehaves (But don’t get me wrong; he is not abusive in the least, and would never lay a hand on her). I need to know how I can get him to listen to me and maybe compromise on punishment. Or even know when punishment is necessary. I will get my tubes tied or get a divorce shortly if we can’t come to a happy medium.

Hi mrsstar922 –

This is a huge issue. I’ve dealt with it a lot in my own life. My human, Handsome, and I have as perfect a relationship as you and your daughter – when we’re alone. We understand each other, and respect each other (but not too much!), and mainly just love each other like crazy.

But when Handsome has friends over, they often are bothered by how free I am. After all, some people don’t allow dogs in their kitchens, or onto their beds, or even in their homes. And when he has girlfriends, it gets even more dicey! After all, he really wants to make them happy! So I find myself spending the night outdoors, or not getting as many treats as usual. And I still have nightmares about the work he did to make sure I never jumped on one particular frightened girlfriend again (it involved her carrying a squirt bottle, and I shudder to think of it).

And actually, this goes the other way too. When I have a pooch friend over for a playdate, sometimes I’m bothered by the way they behave (especially if they’re too nice to Handsome – or he’s too nice to them! GRRRRRR!).

You use the exact correct word – what’s needed is Continue reading

0 How to be kinder to a sibling

Wooff asks: We all have sibling problems. But I just realized, I’m an ass to my sister. She can be very unreasonable but I think she at least deserves the respect. I’m nice to her at times but I get super mad at her when she touches me. I don’t like being touched at all. How do I become nicer to my sister? How do I bring patience in me? How do I become a good sibling?

Hi Wooff –

I was born in a litter of… well I don’t remember exactly because we were separated soon after, but my memory says there were about thirty-seven of us.  From the moment I was born, all I remember is struggles.  Struggling to get to feed at Mommy’s tummy, struggling to sleep comfortably on top of my brother who kept annoyingly kicking and whining, and especially lots of struggling to be the best fighter (and guess what – I was!).  At that time, that was the relationship I had with them.  They were my pillows, my playmates, and my competitors.  Not much else.

Now if I met up with those siblings today, once we’d sniffed and growled and eventually figured out who each other was, I think we’d become great pals.  We’d play together, we’d sniff around together, we’d tackle our humans together, we might even sleep together on cold nights (though not quite on top of each other like before!).

The difference is that we’ve matured.  Each of us.  We’ve grown from the perfect puppies we once were into complex, powerful, experienced dogs.

Now if you ask our mother, she’ll tell you that her life would have been a LOT easier if we’d done that maturing a bit more quickly.  Say, in our first couple of weeks.  But since our brains weren’t so developed, we did all sort of immature, bratty, mean behaviors to each other (and yes, again, I was the Champion of those behaviors!), and she had to spend her time forcing us to act mature.  You know, I was supposed to not bite my sister’s Continue reading

0 Is it okay to feel ambivalent?

Shikuza blue asks: I have quite a big family. Sometimes I feel that it would be better if I could live on my own alone. But now when my house is empty because everyone is abroad, I am alone – and not liking it too much. Even though I know that my parents will return from their trip and I will go back to my wanting a more solitary life, I can’t live it now.

Hi Shikuza blue –

To put it in the most confusing way I can, you’re not alone in your wish to be alone but not be alone!  This feeling is very very common, especially in teenagers.  It’s called Ambivalence, and its what we feel when we either don’t want anything, or we want two or more things that are completely opposite.

There are lots of things that look a bit like Ambivalence, but aren’t.  For example, when you’re wanting to diet so you can lose weight, but you really want that yummy chocolate cake you just saw.  You’re not ambivalent about it – you just want two things and have to decide which you want more.

But when you really want to be alone but don’t want to be alone, or when you really want to hang out with someone you often don’t like, or when you want to try something new that you think you won’t like – those are Ambivalence.  And it’s really difficult!

The most famous case of Ambivalence ever was a character named Hamlet, in a play by the same name.  This poor guy was a prince who found out his uncle had murdered his father, and then goes pretty much nuts trying to figure out what he should do about it.  But he also struggles over a bunch of other things too.  At one point, he’s so confused, he considers ending his own life, and famously even struggles with that (“To be or not to be, that is the question.”).

So Ambivalence can be a mess, no question.  But there’s one thing about it – it shows Continue reading

0 Why people act different when loved ones die

WILBUR asks: My father passed away last Tuesday. I was left out of all the funeral plans. I am handicapped, but my husband isn’t. My sister, who has taken it upon herself to do everything for my mother, had her two sons, daughter, and husband give a eulogy. I was never asked to speak, and neither was my husband. All plans for the wake were done without anyone asking my opinion about anything (all the way down to refreshments in the coffee room – they didn’t even tell me there were any until I went for coffee). My husband says that my sister was trying to help me avoid any more pressure over the death. If you agree let me know please.

Hi WILBUR –

First of all, of course, my head is bowed down for your loss – fathers are just so wonderful.

I’m not brilliant enough to be able to read your sister’s mind – your husband has a lot more knowledge about her than I ever could, so his thoughts might well be correct.

But I do know a few things about humans. And one of them is that nothing, and I mean nothing, brings out the shadow-sides of personalities like the loss of a loved one. And when that loved one is a parent, humans start to act based on very old, deep baggage. Maybe your sister is someone who goes into take-charge mode when she’s under stress (which would fit with your husband’s view of her taking responsibility for your pain).

Or maybe this is a bit tougher than that – maybe she has always had some deep-down resentment, if she felt you were closer to your father than she was. Or maybe she still looks at you as the child you once were, and figures you can’t handle pressure or pain.

It could be any of these, or something completely different I never thought of.

What’s important is that you realize two things: First, that this might well be Continue reading

2 Do colleges and universities care more about grades or the prestige of a high school?

Navyaashali asks: I am going to class eleventh now, and I study in a big boarding school whose cost is a lot. If I stay in school then I will have the school name and my principal’s CV, which will help me get into a college, but I will have very little time to study. But if I leave school then maybe I would have a high percentile, and it would help my parents financially, but I would not have the extra stuff which is helpful to get into a good college (provided you are a brilliant student). Please give me some advice.

Hi Navyaashali –

You seem to have the pros and cons of each decision very clear:  If you stay at the boarding school, you’ll have lower marks from a higher-rated institution; and if you go to another school, you’ll likely have higher marks from a lower-rated place.

I don’t know that I can choose between these two, any more easily than you can – based on what you tell me here.  So I would suggest that you bring another issue into the mix.

When a human applies to colleges and universities, the admission staff does look at the prestige of the schools the person attended, and at their grades.  But they also look at the Continue reading

0 Should an adult leave home or help their family?

Agnes asks: I’m kind of lost in the middle of this world, bringing me to stress & depression. I’m a 32-year-old woman, working in Sales operations, and I just broke up with my boyfriend. But that is not my problem, because I know it’s totally over. My big dilemma is that I’m currently living in the City, but since my Mother and other family back at hometown found out about the end of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, they have several times asked me to come back for good and run our small family business there. The problem is it’s hard for me to leave this city. I have been here for fifteen years, since I was in Primary school, and I’m comfortable here. And I have this thought, that when you go back to your hometown, it means you failed to make a living in the city. At the same time, I know Family is a priority, and a good future waits for me if I continue my family business (my current job is just for survival income). I really need your advice. Should I continue living in the city or go back? With my unstable emotions these days, I really don’t know what to do with my life now.

Hi Agnes –

The problem you’re having, Agnes, is a universal one.  Everyone struggles between the wish for the security and stability of home, and the desire to determine their own life.  Even look at us dogs – we’re so loyal to our humans, but always digging and clawing to find ways to get out of our homes and go explore.

The issue is the timing.

With us, it’s pretty simple.  Most of us start as puppies, afraid to be away from our mother or other caretakers, but then as we get more confident, we struggle to get away whenever we can.  Then eventually we mature, and get to loving staying near our human or dog friends, and guarding our homes.

With you people, though, it seems to come in waves.  You’ll be a toddler hiding behind your mother’s leg, then a few months later, you’re the kid scurrying around the mall with all the adults frantically trying to find you.  Then you’ll become the home-bound kid who wants to play video games all day and not even go out with friends, but then turn into the teenager who can’t stand having to leave their peers and be home by a curfew.

As adults, except for the most confident humans, things often get determined by who else is in their life.  So, for example, you, Agnes, were content to live in the city as long as your boyfriend was there.  It’s only after that relationship ended that you’re feeling pulled in two directions.

So, naturally, I have two thoughts on this.  The first is that, if there’s a really major Continue reading

0 When your parents won’t let you join a team

problempup asks: I have asked to join the school’s athletic team, but my parents said no. Help, Shirelle – this could be my big break!

Hi problempup –

There’s not a lot I can say, without knowing why your parents said no.  But I’m going to guess their refusal comes down to one of two reasons, and I’ll offer you my best thoughts on those two (but if I’m wrong, and it’s another reason, let me know!).

Usually, when I hear parents refusing to allow their kid to do an activity, it’s because they’re concerned that the youngster isn’t devoting enough time to their studies.  And that’s especially true when an activity is as time-consuming as an athletic team.

But if that’s the case, you can give a decent argument.  Firstly, you can tell them that Continue reading

0 How to keep listening to music your parent thinks is harmful

BVB ARMY asks: I took your advice and I’m 2 months clean (I haven’t cut in 2 months) but my mom says that the music I listen to is having a bad influence on me (I listen to rock and metal, etc.), and she thinks I’m going to become a Satanist. I’m really annoyed because it’s so hard to reason with her, and now she’s convinced because one of my mom’s stupid friends told her about a guy who liked the same type of music as me who then became a Satanist, and he started cutting and stuff and he went and joined with a Satanist group and has never been seen since. And since I’m a little depressed, my music is my only escape – and my mom wants me to stop listening to it even though it helps me. She just doesn’t get it! I tried to explain to her, but she says music can’t help anyone unless they want to go hell (my family is really religious), and she says if I listen to them I will become depressed (which I already am but she doesn’t know – and I can’t tell her because I don’t know how she will react. Once I tried to tell her and I almost started crying, so I changed the subject.

Hi BVB ARMY –

Thanks for telling me about your two months without cutting!  That’s GREAT news!  You’ve made my day!!!

I’ve written other pieces about the question of what kinds of music are good or bad.  But I think the real issue here isn’t about the music itself, but about your relationship with your mother.  She doesn’t sound like a bad woman to me – she sounds scared.  And scared because she loves you more than anything else in the entire world.

Now , I don’t agree with her opinion (or rather, her friend’s opinion) about heavy metal.  But I know that if I were doing something that Handsome thought was harmful for me, he would do everything in his power to stop it.  Like when I built up the strength and know-how enough to get over the fence and go out of our yard.  He had other stuff he had to do, but put it all aside to put up more fencing, so I couldn’t get out.  It’s not that I was being bad, it’s that he was petrified I’d get lost or run over or picked up by dogcatchers!  That’s how your mom’s feeling.

Your best bet, now, is to Continue reading

0 Why should a person hire a psychotherapist?

Salvatore asks: You had asked me before whether I am consulting a psychiatrist or a therapist or not, for my grief and depression over the loss of my mother. The answer is ‘NO’ for the following reasons: I am of the view that a psychiatrist is an ordinary guy who will try to fix my problems because its his profession; I feel that opening my heart and my life history will induce the same pain I felt when I actually went through the painful circumstances; I also feel that if I go to a psychiatrist and tell him everything, God may not like it – He’ll think that I am complaining for what happened; and last, but not least, my elder brothers and sister don’t have time to take me for sessions (my brothers have consuming jobs and my sister’s in a very difficult school program). I share all I have to you, instead of a therapist, because it doesn’t give me mental fatigue. Nowadays, everyday when I wake up, the first thought that comes in my mind is that my mom is dead. I feel shallow. The normal routine is almost restored. Sometimes i feel there is nothing wrong, while at other times I feel that life is unnatural’. I get the feeling that I can never achieve my goals. But my brother often reminds me that, ”God doesn’t burden a soul more than his strength.”

Hi Salvatore –

Of course, I’m not one to demand anything of anyone (except squirrels – I do yell at them to get off my roof!).  But I would like to throw one more argument at you, about talking to a professional (doesn’t have to be a psychiatrist – they tend to cost so much! – but a school counselor, a therapist, a spiritual leader… just someone who knows what they’re doing).  It’s a story I heard recently.

There was a man, of great faith.  The weather forecasters told everyone in the area that a huge flood was coming.  And this man knew, deep in his heart, that God would save him.  So when it started to rain, and some neighbors stopped by in their truck and asked if he wanted to come with them to escape the flood, he said, “No, for I know God will save me.”  So they drove off.  It rained and rained and rained, till all the ground was covered in over a foot of water.  Some people rowed up to his house in a boat, and asked if he would climb in, so everyone could get to safer ground.  “No thank you, I know God will save me.”  So they rowed away.  It kept raining and raining, till the only place the man could be was on the roof of his house.  A police helicopter flew down and lowered a ladder to him.  “No thank you, officers.  I’m fine.  I know God will save me.”  Finally they pulled the ladder up and flew away.  And it kept raining and raining, and eventually the water overtook him and he drowned.

He then went to heaven, and beheld Continue reading