Tuktuk asks:
I met a guy in college, a senior. We talked on insta and snapchat for some time and then we met. I didn’t set any boundaries and it was go with the flow concept. We met and we got intimate. Our relationship was more of a physical one than an emotional one. We used to meet and used to make out. Then I broke my leg and went home. When I was home, we started talking and slowly connecting on emotional level. After I came back, we were still more physically involved. Since he is in his final year he didn’t have time to meet and we used to meet only to get physical. In December, I went back home and we decided we’d spend some more time when I came back. But after few days when I asked him about the plan, he started ignoring me. On my asking what was the matter he told me that he doesn’t have time and he needs to focus on his studies. I understood and gave him his space. And he didn’t contact me after that. Then recently, I came to know from a junior of mine that while he was talking to me and was with me, he was talking to another girl as well. Till this point I was kinda over him and talking to another guy, but then all of this started coming in my mind again and again. It’s been like 3 to 4 days since I came to know. I know that we weren’t committed but still I felt used. I felt that I wasn’t enough. I am so disturbed and disappointed. I feel numb. I can’t focus on anything. Please help me deal with this.
Hi Tuktuk –
I’m not going to disagree with anything you say here, about the guy, about you, about your relationship, or about what you did right or wrong.
To my mind, you had a perfect experience with him. Nothing bad happened, no one got a disease or an unwanted pregnancy, no one’s chasing anyone in a jealous fury, it’s all just fine. To quote that old song, “I used her, she used me, but neither one cared – we were gettin’ our share.”
However, you do care! The only thing wrong is that, by pursuing exactly the relationship you knew you were gladly in, you’ve ended up feeling bad, “not enough,” “disturbed and disappointed,” “numb,” and “used!” Not exactly our romantic ideal!
It reminds me of when someone goes to their first university party, and is thrilled to at last be able to do all the things they can’t do in their parents’ home, and smokes cigarettes and a cigar and drinks six beers and a few vodkas. And the next morning, wakes up feeling like a truck ran them over and spilled all its exhaust into their mouth – and wonders what they did wrong. NOTHING! They got exactly the consequences they ought to, from the actions they embraced, and all rightly so!
Tuktuk you’ve just had a true learning experience. Some people hate commitment, and would find your situation just perfect. You had lots of fun with the guy, and now you’re both free – all’s fine. But I think we’re learning that that’s not you. You didn’t want full commitment, but you felt more attached to that guy than you’d expected. My guess is that you’ll find that this is true of you from now on, too. You care, you get attached, and you’re going to have to take responsibility for yourself in that.
I don’t mean that you’ve been irresponsible. But just that you’re learning what you like and what you don’t, and even a good honest guy like this one can’t make you happy unless you clarify what you need in relationships.
So while you’re feeling all these awful feelings, I’m going to say to you, “Congratulations!” Because you had a fun exciting experience, and learned some really important things about yourself.
I couldn’t wish anything better for you!
So feel those bad feelings, but be ready to move forward out of them. Now that you know what you don’t like, you’ll be able to take better care of yourself next time.
Just like the person who goes to their next university party and says “Oh yes, I’ll have one beer, thank you!”
All my best,
Shirelle