pkt asks:
My boyfriend and I decided to completely break it off. Because of his family, he feels like there is no chance for us in the future and it will be good if we don’t stay friends because that will help him to move on. I still feel little hopeful about our future but obviously I can’t ask him to go against his family for me or even just lie to his family for now .And I also don’t want him to do something that feels wrong to him. But I feel very scared. We were together for 2 years and I have no idea how I’m going to move forward without him. What if I can’t find a connection like that again? I wanted this to work so badly but we just couldn’t. I don’t want to lose him. I was fine with being friends. I just wanted him to be there in my life. I know he’s right but I don’t know how to move on. Should I be still hopeful about this whole thing or just let it go?
Hi pkt –
I know that fear, and I’ve experienced it, and I see it all the time. And my answer to you is… yes and no.
My human friend Handsome had a dog when he was 10 to 13 years old who he still idolizes, named Wolfgang. No dog can ever mean to him what Wolf did. When Wolf had to be given away, Handsome still says, it created the biggest wound his heart has ever suffered, and it’s never gone away. Later he had a dog named Ygor who no one but him thought much of. Ygor lived to be eighteen years old, and Handsome loved him more than anything else in the world. And that whole part of his heart still loves Ygor as much as ever. Then I came along. And Handsome will gladly tell you he’s never loved anything the way he loves me. But at the same time as he’s had me, he’s fallen in love with girlfriends, he’s loved friends enormously, and he’s been completely devoted to his family whom he adores.
So are you right? Will you find a connection like this guy again? Probably you won’t – not exactly like you have with him. And that’s partly because you’ll never be exactly the same person again, with the same needs, so you’ll connect differently. But will you connect as strongly again? I’ll bet you’ll connect with someone else more strongly than you ever did with this guy. And will you love again? Oh, only more so! And will you forget this guy? No chance.
The way I see it, when we go off to whatever comes after this lifetime, our hearts are just loaded. We have the love we felt for our parents and caretakers, the loves we had for our childhood friends, the loves we had for the teenagers we couldn’t stop laughing with (or in my case, couldn’t stop play-fighting with), the loves of our passionate romances, loves of beliefs and causes, loves of books and movies and songs, and if we’re so lucky, the biggest loves of all – for our children. Does one make another go away? Nope.
But that’s our hearts. Our brains do make room. You’ll think about this guy all the time for a while, but there’ll be a day you realize you barely thought of him at all. And then you’ll realize you went a week without thinking of him.
And then you’ll bump into him on the street, and feel all the love you felt all over again. But you’ll be strong enough to move on.
One of Handsome’s favorite songwriters said “He not busy being born is busy dying.” Well you’re still being born, my friend. And your newborn heart will love again like crazy.
And here’s my big compliment to you and this guy – it’ll be easier for it to happen because you two have been so good with each other. This relationship isn’t saddled with lies and betrayal. No, you both have been honest and up-front and communicative. Your trust has been rewarded.
So you’re going to be fine. Not today, not tomorrow. But you’re going to be okay.
You see, I know. Because if Handsome was still only able to love Wolfgang and Ygor, I wouldn’t be here at all!
All my very best,
Shirelle