I have always wanted a good father, at least a sensible one whom I could look up to.
Until now, I have been thinking maybe I have given less effort, or maybe I’m not understanding mine, but his ego is so big and it has overshadowed him as a father, a husband, and most importantly his humanity.
He’s very good for others, very helpful, calm, understanding and every good thing possible, maybe because he feels they’re his family and we are nothing.
No matter what I do, he is never gonna appreciate or satisfy or even congratulate one of us.
Everyone I try making a step ahead towards him, he does something to push me back 10 steps away, but now I feel I have lost him for life.
Now maybe he’s just my biological father and nothing else.
He wanted me to learn scooty, he taught me how to, but then he wants me to drive only the way he says. The second I started driving he was screaming for no reason and kept on saying you are not driving, not driving, like this, like that, more than I could take. I got scared of such nonstop poking continuously, and in that nervousness, I got unbalanced and he had to take over. I started driving again after a year and today again it happened; he just started off with his babble. I was asking him not to, saying I’ll drive nicely, at least trust me once, but he again gave me an anxiety attack.
I don’t know how can someone be so egotistical that they can’t even understand a normal thing.
I now feel it would have been better if I didn’t have him in my life.
He’s the worst thing ever happened in my life
Hi Soumyaguna –
There’s an old saying, “You can pick your friends but you can’t pick your relatives.” I’d add “you can pick out puppies too!” but you get the idea. And it’s true – everyone is stuck (and/or blessed) with the family they’re given.
It’s also normal and true that every human goes through a time in their lives when they can’t stand their parents, and when their behavior makes them intolerable to their parents too. With most people, there are more than one of those times!
And it sounds to me like you’re dealing with both of those issues right now. An imperfect father, and a tough specific time.
Now of course I don’t know him at all, but from what you say, he sounds like a very good man to the world, who’s just inept at his relationship with his child or children. That’s what I mean by “imperfect.” I’d love to improve him, but unless he starts writing me too, I can’t do much on that count.
What I can do is to suggest to you that you try doing something extremely mature. Many people don’t achieve this till their 40s or so, and lots don’t ever accomplish it. And that’s to look at your father as a complex person, with strengths and faults, and accept him as he is.
Why is that so hard? Because you have ingrained in you a sense (every child is born with this) that your parents are perfect. And as you get older, and see how imperfect they are (and everyone is highly imperfect!), that gets enormously frustrating!
There’s lots of filmed record of Adolf Hitler with children. He seems very kind, supportive, and fun with them. And most people consider him the greatest monster in the history of humanity. Again – people have strengths and weaknesses; your dad isn’t as good with you as Adolf was with those kids, but your dad hasn’t murdered half the continent either!
Your dad is a LOUSY driving instructor! TERRIBLE! But I’m sure he sees it a different way.
True story: a few years ago, my human friend Handsome needed to make some extra money, and found out that a friend of his had a daughter who was struggling in her learning to drive, so he took a job to tutor her at it. He was surprised to find that she was actually quite good for a beginning driver, and just needed a few pointers to help her become that much better. He and she talked about how odd this was – why had her parents thought she was so bad at it? Then one day he went out to lunch with his friend, her mother. And she was a HORRIBLE driver! Distracted, even dangerous! SO much worse than her daughter! He found this hilarious – and, credit to her – so did his friend. The fact is, your parents changed your diapers, they taught you to walk, they taught you to speak; and after all these years, they still see that completely helpless little child when they look at you. How comfortable would you be seeing a 3-year-old driving?! That’s probably what your dad sees in you now!
In other words, just like Handsome’s friend, your dad is condemned to being a really lousy and inept driving instructor – as well as failing at letting you know what he really feels about and toward you. And this last one, I promise you, is a lack in him that causes him great pain. The lack you feel is matched by so many others in his life. Have you ever heard that beautiful song “To Make You Feel My Love?” He can’t achieve that at all!
I’m not telling you to not be angry with him. You get to. You deserve to feel his love, and he fails at that.
But this is who he is. And you have the rest of your life ahead of you, and I hope will find the love you haven’t felt many times over.
So do your best, my friend. You deserve better. But Handsome deserves a dog who doesn’t shed everywhere and never pulled him down a hill so hard he nearly broke his arm and doesn’t bark super-loud right next to his ear — but he’s got me instead. And loves me more than life.
Someday you might even feel that way about your dad. But not now. And that’s okay.
Just get through this. (And find a better driving instructor!!!!)