Lena asks:
I am currently in a relationship, that is almost shattered. Recently, my boyfriend admitted that he cheated on me, and now I find it hard to process and put up with. He asks me to think about it and give him a second chance. I find it very hard to forgive and forget this.
The person is actually my ex-boyfriend, who I was in a relationship with 2 years ago. We broke up. But, time brought us together, which made me feel like this was God’s plan and things were going to work out with him. But now I’m in distress. He is also a very spiritual and good person, and regrets deeply on what happened. But I am really hurt by his actions and words. I need advice on whether to carry on with this relationship or just break up with him.
Hi Lena –
We dogs trust very easily. A person gives us a treat, or even a pat, and we’re liable to believe everything from them.
Or, to be more specific, we PUPPIES are that way. Whether we keep that trust or not is completely up to how we’re treated by the humans we then meet. A scream or a smack and we trust a little less. One kick in the side and we lose a lot. A true cruel beating, and we may never be able to fully trust again. (My friend Aria lived just this life, and you might want to check out a book about her journey, and what it took her to dare to trust again, A Dog of Many Names).
And in truth, you humans are pretty similar. Babies are born helpless, and learn to trust those who care for them – usually their parents. Then later, with far larger brains than ours, humans learn specifics of trust. Sometimes wise – don’t take candy from strangers – and sometimes very unwise, like don’t believe a person of this or that race.
All of us spend a lot of our growing up dealing with these questions, and usually we have most of it worked out by the time we reach adulthood.
Except when it comes to romance!
As you’re discovering, trust is a whole new game when it comes to letting someone all the way into your heart.
You say this guy is a good man. I believe you. Good people make mistakes all the time. What we don’t know is exactly what “mistake” he made.
Was his mistake that he broke your trust by giving in to selfish irresponsible desires he will work to prevent for the rest of his life? Or does he see it as that he made the mistake of getting caught? Or that it was a mistake to mess around with that particular person? Or that it was a mistake to have desires at all?!
You ask if you should break up with him. Honestly, I can’t answer that question; only you can. But I do believe you should give him a chance to win your trust back. If he can do it – if he can explain what he did and why and why you can trust that he won’t do something like that again – then maybe you two can have a great future together. But if he can’t… if your hurt is too deep for you to ever trust him again, or if the things he says don’t sound convincing to you… then maybe you’re both better off apart, as sad as that is.
My human friend Handsome has a pretty simple rule about this: if someone hurt him by cheating on him or some other error, and he trusted that they learned from it and really wanted him back, he’d happily welcome them into his arms again. “But if they kick Shirelle, they’re out! I can never trust them again!”
We all have rules and boundaries, and that tells you something about his.
To close, I’m thinking of two great sayings. First, an old line that everyone deserves a second chance. And second, one from a great poet, “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.”
So who is this guy, really? Do you know for sure? If you do, then base your decision on that. And if you don’t… then maybe it’s best to give him a chance to prove himself. It’s what he wants.
But if so, let him know this other truth… you only get ONE second chance! Maybe that lasts the rest of your lives, and maybe it lasts one week till he blows it again. After that, he’s asking for a third chance, and that might well be more than you’re willing to give!
Hoping for the best!
Shirelle