How to keep from overpampering a new relationship

Dramafrick asks: I have always been involved in various relationships, and along the line they just become difficult to sustain, and I think its because I let my feelings all out and I care too much and overpamper my partners. And now I am about to get into another one but I don’t want to have same experience again, because my intention for this one is to walk down the aisle together. I need advice on how to make that a reality.

Hi Dramafrick –



I certainly understand your concern.  I tend to like people who pamper me, and it makes me want to come back to them for more petting/scratching/playing/treats.  But I know that humans, especially in romance, can be like the cats I see being more attracted to people who avoid them than those who want to give them affection.

But no two people are just alike, and some people like lots of attention just as much as others avoid it.  And if you’re going to commit yourself for life to anyone, you want it to be someone who loves you the way you are, not insisting that you have to pretend to be something you’re not.

It’s like when I hear about people who train dogs not to lick them.  I guess that’s okay, and the dogs feel okay about it, but I sure love that my friend Handsome loves being kissed by me, maybe even more than I love being kissed by him on my nose.

But you say something particular, that makes me think I can help you.  You say that you overpamper.  I’m going to guess that this means you can actually feel that you’re doing too much.  Maybe you’re trying too hard to keep that partner around, to make them love you?

You see, that can make your partner uncomfortable.  We love being with someone, and being loved by someone, who is thoroughly into us.  When I get petted by someone who’s trying to be “nice” and pretend they like me when they really don’t, I can feel it.  And you might be dealing with partners feeling it, feeling that you’re doing more than feels natural to you.

So my advice is to keep being the wonderful, loving, giving person you’ve always been.  But to also put some extra effort into self-awareness, to where, when you’re overpampering, you can feel it and stop it.

And what do you do then?  Instead of keeping the overpampering going?  You do anything.  You get up and get a glass of water.  You talk about a movie you like.  You say you’ve got to go home.  Now your partner might react to this by worrying you’re upset, or feeling a bit abandoned.  And if so, do you go back to overpampering?  Nope.  You smile, clarify that you’re not upset and you’ll be back, but stay strong.

And what will this achieve?  Well, first you won’t feel bad about overpampering, but second, you’ll manage something you probably never have: you’ll become mysterious!  And with that, you might find that you actually become more attractive!


So of course, I don’t know your partner, and I don’t know exactly what it is that you do that you think is overdone.  But I’d say to give this a try.  And see what happens.

And please let me know.  I’d sure be thrilled to know I had something to do with that walk up the aisle!  We pups normally only get walks around the neighborhood, on the leash!


All my best,


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