Twilight Wolves asks: Hello. I hope you can help me or give me a little insight. In December I made a decision I felt was best and my boyfriend did not approve, though he supported me until I realized he was right and I’d made a terrible decision. Since then, I’ve done everything I can to rectify the situation, but he has decided he needs time to think and won’t tell me why. He simply asks that we remain exclusive and that I be patient while he sorts things out. We text everyday several times, but we haven’t seen each other for three months, and he no longer says or responds to “I love you”. I don’t understand what’s happening!!! Any ideas?
Hi Twilight Wolves –
Of course I don’t know exactly what happened between you two, or what you did, but it sounds like your boyfriend has had some trouble knowing and enforcing his own boundaries. When you did whatever it was, he supported you in it. But then, when you changed your mind, said he was right, and became all there for him, he pulled away and said he needs to sort things out.
The one thing I’m sure of is that he’s right – he does need to sort things out. I don’t know if he’s doing it in the best way possible, but he is, now, really taking charge of himself and opening up about where he’s at emotionally.
I’d have to know what really happened to give any more specific advice, but my main thought is this – he’s saying he really needs space to think. But you (understandably) are texting him several times a day. Maybe what you need is to pull back. To, with love and understanding, say that you want to give him more space, so he can figure out what he needs to do. You see, it sounds like, right now, your relationship has developed a “new normal.” For three months you’ve been two people who text a lot, don’t see each other… and one of you says “I love you” to the other. That might be a place where he feels a lot more comfortable than he did in December. But it’s not where you want things to remain. So I’m thinking, if you gave him more space, he might start to miss those texts! Especially the ones that say “I love you.” And to realize that, after three months of being there for him, you have proven yourself very trustworthy. And so maybe he’s ready for some face-to-face again.
And if, on the other hand, this space makes him realize that he really needs to move on in his life, and that he actually can’t deal with what happened before, then at least you will be able to move on too – though this sounds pretty sad.
I know what he’s going through. When I was getting trained by Handsome, I would get very confused by all the orders, “No”s, treats, frustration, and petting. It simply made no sense to me at all. But then, after each training session, I would suddenly get very tired, and conk right out to sleep. And while I slept, my brain would work like a factory, pumping away. Handsome loved to watch me at these times, because he could see my head moving around, with my eyes moving around behind my eyelids, all these signs of my brain fusing all this confusing information together.
Then, I would wake up, and it would have worked: suddenly I’d understand that if he said the word “Sit” and I put my butt down on the ground, I’d get a treat and lots of pets! And if I didn’t, he’d be stern and a little disappointed.
So it sounds to me like your boyfriend has been like me after the session, for a long time now. And he needs to have that nap, and really decide what he thinks, what he knows, and what he feels. And just as Handsome had earned the right to a dog who could follow simple commands, you have earned the right to either the boyfriend you love, or the freedom to move on.
So again, I’m not saying to get angry at him, or certainly to insult him at all. He’s doing his best. I’m just suggesting that you help him out in his process.
And this, if done right, will show more love than all the “I love you” texts in the world!
Good Luck my Friend!