prettyndsweet12 asks: I recently found out my best friend is pregnant. I’m really happy for her, but I wish I could be there with her to support her. She means so much to me: she’s a second mom to me, she taught me a lot and treats me as if I’m her own. I asked her if anything was gonna change between us, and she said she won’t be able to talk to me a lot – which is hard because she lives far away (well it’s not really far, but it seems like it because I hate not being able to see her). She said I’ll never lose her and we’ll still remain close, so my question is how can we remain close friends if I won’t be able to talk to her, and how do I get used to her being pregnant?
Hi prettyndsweet12 –
I have a more long and serious answer to your question, but first I have to say: one thing about pregnancy is that you don’t have to get used to it, because once you get used to one stage, another one is happening, and before too long the pregnancy is completely over! Then what you’re getting used to is a completely new and original tiny human being! (Or sometimes more than one!)
What you’re really dealing with, prettyndsweet12, is mourning. You had a relationship – a really great one – and it’s ending. It will never be the same again.
Sometimes this happens because someone’s personality changes, sometimes it happens because someone moves away, and sometimes it happens because someone dies. In your case, it’s none of those. It’s just that the most wonderful amazing spectacular thing you could ever wish for has happened to your friend. And while she’s still the lovely and loving person you’ve always known, your relationship to her will be as changed as in any of those other situations.
The important thing for you to realize is that the big word here is CHANGED. Your relationship is not over. Not in any way.
Your job now is to try to stay aware of what your friend is going through. There will be times when she’s really overwhelmed with all she’s about to experience. Those are good times to let her know you’re thinking about her, but to not ask for her time – she has none to give. Then there will be others when she’s feeling scared or sick, and can really use a supportive friend. Those would be great times for you to have a little chat.
Then she’s going to have that baby – and if all goes well, she’s suddenly going to find herself stuck at home for long periods, including in the middle of the night, often with no one to talk to except a gurgling burping peeing pooping sleeping crying hunk of living tissue. And one of those times, it might be just great for her to be able to have a long long talk with her beloved prettyndsweet12, and hear about everything interesting going on in your life, just so she feels reconnected to reality!
And then? Well, that kid’s going to grow. And your friend will be a mom more than anything else. And maybe your friend will bring a little brother or sister into that kid’s life, making ‘momness’ even a bigger part of who she is. And oh how much would she then love a visit from her dear friend, or even for that friend to babysit and give her some time to herself, or for her to have a social life.
Meanwhile, you’re going to be growing too. And the more you grow, the more your relationship with her can change, from “second mom” to friendship, because you’re going to be so much older and more mature than her child(ren). And you can talk with her about the same things you talk with me about, and she’ll talk with you as a confidante, as a girlfriend.
This happens with us dogs all the time. We have one owner, then our owner meets someone who they fall in love with, and suddenly we have two. Then they have a kid or two, and we’re the Family Dog, and our main job in life is playing with and protecting the magical beings we’ve seen (and smelled) grow since the day they were born.
It’s not a bad thing, prettyndsweet12. It’s actually very wonderful. The best friendships we have do change over years, and support and make room for all the changes individuals have.
Are you losing your “Second Mom?” Yes you are. But you’re gaining something new. And you’ll always have that Second Mom in your memory and in your heart, as you and that woman move on into new and amazing adventures in your lives.
Congratulations to her, and all my best to you,