sazuna45 asks: When people date and they break up, they stop talking and they get awkward and they ignore and sometimes even hate, each other. I find that very sad. When best friends start dating and they break up, they stop being friends, they cant even look each other the same way after all that. Don’t you find that sad? Do you think its normal for people to act that way? But most importantly, is it okay if past lovers stay friends? Do you think they can remain friends?
Hi sazuna45 –
Your timing is perfect.
You see, Handsome’s had a lot of girlfriends over the years. I always like them at first, but some weren’t so crazy about me, so I learned to stay away from them (and eventually, so did Handsome!). But of course, at least at the beginning, he was nuts about all of them.
Now most of the time, when they broke up, it was the way you describe. Not necessarily that he hated her or she hated him, but they learned that they were happier keeping some distance from each other.
I guess I both understand and don’t understand it. See, on one hand, it makes no sense to me that one day I could look at someone and think they were brilliant and great-smelling and wonderful, and then the next day, just because they wanted to go away or pet some other dog, I would decide I didn’t like them and didn’t think anything of them, and didn’t even like the way they smelled. That just sounds crazy to me!
But on the other hand, I know what it’s like to be hurt. And it hurts so much when you really love and want someone, and they say they don’t want you. And that hurt can be so deep and painful that you can’t stand the sight of them – not that you think they’re ugly now, but that you can’t stand their beauty! Everything about them just feels bad to you, because you let them into your heart, and they didn’t choose to stay there.
But remember what I said about your timing? Well, today, Handsome and I went out for lunch with my absolute favorite of all the women he ever dated.
Now when they were a couple, I was really hoping they’d stay together forever, because I felt a connection with her that was downright eerie – like we were sisters or something, even though we’re different species! He loved her, I loved her… and she loved us both too. But eventually she knew she didn’t want to stay with him in that way. So she had to move on. It was very sad for all three of us.
And after the breakup, it was really hard for both of them. They did try to stay friends, but one would say or do something that would hurt the other one, not out of meanness, just out of confusion. And while neither ever said, “Stay away,” they started seeing a lot less of each other. Like only connecting every few months, when something would happen with a mutual friend or something.
But then the oddest thing happened: She met the love of her life. A really great guy. And he and Handsome met, and got along great. And Handsome realized – She Had Been Right! This was the guy she should be with! This is why they had to break up! This is exactly where she should be!
And today, you know what? Handsome and she and I… and the beautiful baby girl she and that Mr. Right had… had lunch together. And all of us were so happy! All the connection that he and she had had was there, and all the connection she and I had was there, and the baby kept dropping food that I got to eat off the floor! This was pure unfettered joy!
So that’s my long answer to your question, sazuna45! Breakups are always sad, and while it can be good to try to stay friends afterwards, sometimes it’s just too hard. But if the two people really want to create a new relationship as friends, and if they like each other so much that they can overcome any hurt that ever happened before… it’s just great!
Especially if one of them has a kid who’s having great trouble mastering holding onto whatever she’s trying to eat!!!
All my best,