How to become fat

shaun army asks: How can someone become fat?

Hi shaun army –

It’s funny, I get asked how to lose weight all the time, but you’re the first one to ever ask me how to become fat!

Well, you can tell from my picture that I’m a pretty skinny pooch, but I think today’s world offers a huge number of opportunities for people (and dogs) to find out how to gain non-muscular weight.  Among the best ways are:

1)    Eat lots of unhealthy food.  Sugars, fatty meats, fried foods, and processed carbs (like cakes and cookies) are especially good for this.

2)    Drink lots of sugary drinks, and, if you’re of age, lots of alcohol (which turns to sugar inside your body).

3)    Exercise as little as possible.  Certainly don’t play sports or work out or swim, but better if you don’t even stretch out or walk your dog.  Sitting all day at work, and then all night in front of a television set, is a superb way to reach this goal.

4)    Hang out with other people who live this same lifestyle.  Don’t ruin your day by playing outdoors with children, going on hikes, or engaging in sports with friends.  Only spend free time with people who also want to sit in front of a TV drinking beers and eating hamburgers.

Now of course, I’m having a lot of fun writing this, since I’m writing the exact opposite of what I tell people to do to be happy.  But this is because I’m writing this today.  Things used to be very different.

You know Handsome, the human I live with?  Both of his grandfathers weighed over 300 pounds (over 136 kilograms).  One of them got that way because he just loved food so much, but the other grew that weight because he wanted to!  See, in those days, being big around was a sign of success, and he wanted to look like a successful businessman.  So when he first began working in an office, he reserved one drawer in his desk for peanuts and bottles of Coca-Cola!  And as long as he lived, he was proud and happy to look kind of like Winston Churchill!

So I suppose it’s not impossible to want to be fat.  And it’s not my place to tell anyone that they’d be wrong to do so.  But I sure know that I’d hate it.  I love being able to squeeze through tight places, to run fast after squirrels and cats, to be able to jump up on Handsome’s bed at night… and I don’t know if I could do any of those things if I put on a lot of weight.  Plus, being overweight contributes to lots of other health problems in both humans and dogs, like diabetes, heart failure, and bad hips.

So, as much as I looooooooooooooove pizza, I really do enjoy being fit.  And I suggest that that’s probably a happier way for anyone to live.  At least today.



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