What to do when your girlfriend doesn’t want sex

jaatt asks: I am very shy. I want to have sex with my girlfriend, but she doesn’t like sex. So please tell me how I can force her into happy sex.

Hi jaatt –

Okay, let’s start with one simple statement, that means a GIGANTIC amount:  You should not, EVER, force anyone into sex.

I realize that lots of my Pack members aren’t that great with English, and so you might not have meant your question the way it came out.  But that’s really the point about this issue: you need to be extra-super-careful to make sure of two things:  first, that you never make someone feel like they’re being forced into sex; and second, that you never let anyone misinterpret that you have forced someone into sex.


Now this is a kids’ website, so what do I mean by the word “Sex?”  I mean anything, yes anything, that seems sexual.  So do I mean that you shouldn’t force a kiss on someone beyond a friendly level?  Yep.  Do I mean that you shouldn’t grab someone at a part of their body where their underwear goes?  Yep.  Do I mean that you should never ever EVER try to remove any part of anyone’s clothing without their willingness?  ABSOLUTELY!

Does this all sound unromantic?  Maybe so.  But it’s really important.  First, because you want this girlfriend, or anyone else you’re attracted to, to want you, and you’ll just make them repulsed by you if they feel you’re trying to force them into anything.  And second?  The times have changed.  You might get kicked out of school, lose your job, or even be arrested or jailed, for trying to force any sort of sexuality onto someone, even in a very slight way.

(And you might even get beaten up!  For example, check out my response to HarrietteS’s question on the AskShirelle website, explaining how I dealt with a pooch who didn’t understand when I said “no!”)

Okay, jaatt, so let’s get to what I hope you were asking.  Which is how to get your girlfriend to want to do the things that you want.

Most mammals want sexual/romantic contact.  It’s how species are able to continue:  if dogs didn’t want to have sex, there’d be no puppies; if people didn’t like touching each other in certain ways, there’d be no new babies.  And while there are occasional people who really just hate any of that sort of contact, the vast majority of humans like to be touched by people they’re attracted to.  And I’m guessing that this is true of your girlfriend.

But most likely, she just doesn’t want to do certain things yet.  Someday, she’ll probably love having the lover in her life, whether that’s you or someone else, do just exactly those things with her.  But right now she feels it’s too soon, or she’s too young, or that she’s not sure enough about your relationship.

And now I’m going to say something that will probably annoy you:  Most likely, I’m on her side.  I don’t know how old you and she are, but if you’re teenagers, you both have your whole lives ahead of you.  What’s the rush?  I know you feel like doing things, and you almost certainly have friends who have done things you haven’t, and are pressuring you.  But look at this girl.  Is she special to you?  And if so, isn’t the most important thing about your relationship how you feel about each other?

I’m not suggesting you just put all your feelings on hold and stop being romantic.  Rather, I suggest you find other ways for your relationship to grow, till the day when you and she (or someone else) are really ready.  For example:

1)    Sit in a candle-lit room and write each other a poem.

2)    Write a song about her and sing it to her.

3)    Give each other a relaxing massage (non-sexual) for at least half-an hour each.

4)    Go on a day-long hike together.

5)    Get face-paint and paint on each other’s faces.  Take your time!

6)    Tell each other five things you haven’t yet… and make one of them something you’ve never told anyone!

7)    Take dancing lessons, in a style of dancing you’ve never done before.

8)    Spend a day together doing things you’ve never done – whether that’s going to a sports event or playing Laser Tag or visiting a zoo or… whatever!

9)    Decide on a book you’d both like to read, and talk to each other every night about that day’s chapter

10) If it’s appropriate to your lives and homes, go buy a DOG together, and have fun with it!


My point here, jaatt, is that there is nothing wrong with you having the feelings and desires you have.  But what you’re dreaming of is going to be absolutely glorious when you’re with someone who really wants it too.  And right now, your girlfriend isn’t ready for that.  So enjoy doing other things in your relationship, which will give her time to grow and feel more comfortable with you.

How will this result?  Well, maybe you two will end up more intimate than you’ve been.  Or maybe you’ll realize that you aren’t really that great a couple, and move on to other people.  Either is fine.

And anything, ANYTHING is better than the horrible guilt you’d feel if you’d forced her into anything.


Thanks for the great question.  May your romance blossom!!!



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