Should one get back together with an ex they dislike but are drawn to?

lovelyme asks: My ex and I didn’t talk for a long time. Now that we have just started talking, he’s driving me crazy (in a good way). I think I’m falling for him just a tiny bit. The sad part is that I don’t like him at all! My mind says, “Don’t you fall for that again!” But then my heart says “maybe or maybe not!” I really don’t know what to do!

Hi lovelyme –


I assume you already realize this, but your situation sounds like about ten thousand romantic comedies – you hate the boy but you just can’t get over him.  I don’t have an easy answer (unless he’s Clark Gable and you’re Claudette Colbert, or you’re Irene Dunne and he’s Cary Grant – because in those cases I know you’re right for each other!).


Of course, there are really serious reasons not to get back together with someone – if he was physically abusive to you, if he cheated on you, or if in some other way he showed you serious disrespect.  But if you just hate the fact that he’s obsessed with basketball or science fiction, or that he hangs out with friends you find jerks, or he votes for politicians you can’t stand… you’re in more of a quandary.


The trick – which I can’t give you an answer for – is in your sentence “I think I’m falling for him just a tiny bit.”  How big is that tiny bit, lovelyme?!  If he’s not a terrible person, and you’re falling for him enough, then sure, go out with him again.  What’ve you got to lose?  If you try again and the relationship is better this time, then that’s great.  And if you try but it’s even worse than before, then just break up with him.  It’s not like you’ve left your marriage for him (I hope!).  Just give it a chance.


But the real truth here is that the answer is inside your heart.  You’re the only one who can know whether you actually want to get back together with him.  Sit down alone in a quiet room, close your eyes, breathe deeply and slowly, and see what your heart – and your gut – say.  If what comes up is fear and disgust, then you really don’t like him enough to get back together.  But if you feel longing and affection, then sure, give it a try.


But if you do get back together with him, be sure to take care of yourself.  Don’t move too fast; let him prove to you that it can be better this time, before you do anything you might regret!


And please let me know how it goes.  This sounds like a fun story to follow!




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