teenwolf2725 asks: My friend is getting married. I’m happy for him, but at the same time, I’m kind of sad. We grew a love for each other and I always talk to him, but now he’s engaged and there’s nothing I can do about it. I love him, but he’s taken. Shirelle, what do I do now?
Hi teenwolf2725 –
Oh how many songs have been written about THIS situation! You’ve done nothing wrong, he’s done nothing wrong, she’s done nothing wrong – and still it’s sad.
There really isn’t a perfect solution to it, teenwolf, except to know that your feelings will almost certainly cool down over time. Yes, we hear about exceptions, but almost always, especially if you are a teenager, your life will change in so many ways that it’s pretty guaranteed that you’ll change too.
But for now, how can you speed that up? Well…
1) Find someone else! If you meet another boy you like and you two start dating, you’re going to find very quickly that he becomes a lot more interesting! You might still idealize this married guy (comparing how perfect you think he is to your humanly-imperfect new boyfriend), but the fact that this new guy cares about you and likes you the way he does will probably make this other fellow a bit more forgettable.
2) Date a lot of boys! The more guys you get to know, the more you’ll develop a sense of what’s just normal about them all. That doesn’t mean they’re not still great (Hey I’ll jump up on any of them and lick their nose any time!), but it’ll be easier to deal with the fact that that one is with someone else.
3) Best of all, if the above don’t work, take his wife out sometime. Buy her lunch. And steer the conversation around till she starts complaining about him. Even if their marriage is fantastic, there’ll be things about him that irritate her, even infuriate her. And the more you hear these, especially from her point of view, the more chance you have to say “Whew! I sure dodged a bullet on that one!”
Oh, I’ll add one further thing. No matter what you’re feeling, respect that marriage. It’s okay for you to adore him from here to eternity, but don’t do anything to mess things up for them. If you do, you’ll become an enemy to the marriage, and lose him completely. If not, if you stay a friend to them both, then you just have that much better a chance of meeting another guy with some of his great qualities. Or – if the marriage should actually not succeed – you’re the great friend who’s always been there for him and always supportive… and who knows where that could lead! So be kind, be supportive, and – most important – take care of yourself!
All my best,