Ygor asks: What is so special about you? Why should we care what you say?
I think the best thing about me is how good I smell. I smell fantastic. Particularly in places you don’t even know about. The only time I don’t like the way I smell is when Handsome shoves me in the bathtub and rubs shampoo all over me. Even after I’m rinsed and dry, everything I liked about my smell is gone. The weird part is that humans seem to like my smell so much better after that.
But why should you listen to me? Oh I have a lot of reasons for that, which have nothing to do with how lovely my reek is. Here are ten:
a) Who, in the average household, always pays attention to what’s going on in the family, and sees what’s going on objectively? Only one: the Dog (Cats are objective enough, but they tend not to care).
b) No matter how many doors are shut, or how softly people whisper when they tell secrets, dogs’ ears hear EVERYTHING!
c) A lot of family therapists work very hard to treat their clients with something called Unconditional Positive Regard. Well heck, that’s what dogs have been giving you silly humans for centuries! We have other words for it, such as Love. But what it really means is that we aren’t going to look down on any humans for whatever silly things they might do or feel. (Unless they’re really mean. Then we’re happy to bite!)
d) Because our brains aren’t as complex as yours, we see things in much simpler lights. We can take complex situations and reduce them to pure truths.
e) Dogs don’t adhere to any organized religion or philosophy. So our advice is as good for a devout Muslim as for a Scientologist, as true for a nun as for an atheist.
f) People usually ask advice because something or someone is getting in the way of their pursuing what they want. Well nothing except a six-foot wall (or orders from Handsome) has ever kept me from pursuing what I want. So I’m really good at cutting through the doo-doo and helping you get to the state I’m in.
g) Dogs relate to kids. We understand you kids a lot. More than you adults do. But we’re also caretakers, so we know that nothing is as important as protecting our family. So we can relate to you oldies too.
h) We’re all about feelings. We feel all the time. We feel what people feel, often more than the people feel it themselves. So we’re good teachers about feelings.
i) I don’t care what you think of me, so I’ll always tell you the truth. What are you going to do, take away my obedience-school diploma?!
j) Well, besides smelling good, I’m really cute.